Go and read
If you are politically correct you really do not want to proceed past this sentence because you’re going to get really pissed off. Still reading? Too bad deal with it, it’s your problem not mine.
I never cease to be amazed at the fine writing, writing that is straight from the heart and that pulls no punches, that I frequently read over at Broad at Bat. This post is a prime example of why I’m drawn to her site. Go read it.
Had a good read? Great. I know what it feels like to be one of the men she is talking about. No, I’m not going to give you the intimate personal details so don’t bother asking. I’d venture that most of the men, who are not alpha males, that I’ve been friends with also know that feeling to one degree or another but we don’t talk about it. Men are taught from birth to be tough and not talk about their feelings, and except under exceptional circumstances, are punished many ways if they do.
It’s politically correct in modern society to paint men as brutes. Callous, misogynistic, abusive creatures whose only goal in life is winning and when it comes to relationships believe winning can only be accomplished by dominating women, preferably by physically abusing them. There’s no question that some men are that way but the vast, overwhelmingly vast, majority are not. That vast majority of men are really ordinary people who want to love and be loved, who want to be respected and treated kindly, the same thing that apparanty women want. Funny how that works isn’t it.
If you’re a woman you can not imgine what it does to a man to be treated to the kind of abuse that BaB talks about. Society expects men to be strong, in command and there are a thousand ways to punish a man who is not, all of them designed to make him feel a failure. I’ve known so many men who have suffered enormous amounts of emotional abuse at the hands of the woman they loved. Why do they stay in the relationship? Some of the same reasons women stay in abusive relationships: insecurity, love, fear of failure, children (men do not stand a chance in a custodial battle), financial reasons, broken spirit. Many men in such relationships live lives of quiet desperation, sick at the thought of stayin, afraid to leave, afraid if they do they’ll never have another partner, marked loser for life, some invisible cabalistic sigil planted on their forehead that only women can see and immediately reject them as a loser not worth her attention. Oh, most men have experienced that feeling well, but we don’t talk about it.
When you take emotional abuse into the picture in male- female relationships the rate of abuse is pretty even on both sides. When it comes to physical abuse women are much more the victim than the abuser, but when it comes to emotional abuse it is very much the other way around, but we’re not allowed to acknowledge that in this society. In this society, in the 21st Century, only women and children are allowed to be named victims of abuse and that is not healthy for our society. How do you think men feel knowing that they can’t even open their mouths about it without being made to feel like a wuss and a failure.
I don’t know if as BaB implies
we’ve known hundreds of couples over the years and it has ALWAYS been the woman who was the abuser in this way. I’m sure some of the men must have been real stinkers behind closed doors as well - you can’t fight the odds. But when it comes to public degradation and disrespect, it happens way more than my stomach can handle, and always by the women.
that most women are this way. I’ve known a great many who are, but I’m a loner now and I choose my friends and companions very, very carefully. Anyone who acts in that manner simply is cut out of my social circle instantly so I don’t really see them much anymore. Guys like me are very easy to abuse. We love fully, unconditionally. We care deeply for our partners and we do not like confrontation, in fact we avoid it at all costs. That’s what happens to non-alpha type males in this society, if you can’t strut your stuff and rise to the top of the pecking order you better be non-confrontational or you’ll be destroyed. That makes it very easy for women to abuse us emotionally, making you feel even more like a loser.
This is a very sick society. Both genders are basket cases and I’m not optimistic about the chances for healing. There are too many forces in society that need this for their own sustainability and those are the forces that rule this society: money, power, big business, social status. I no longer have time for people, male or female, that treat others that way and in this society that makes me a loser, but I’d rather be a loser than walk over other people for whatever reason.
I hope that one time when I go to the coast to visit family I will have an opportunity to get together with BaB and Doc (her husband) for a coffee. They both set marvelous examples for their kids, they’re good people.
Related posts
Ya and a Happy New Year to You Too »
Comments
Comment from Doug Alder
Time: 1/5/2005, 6:35 am
Thanks Susan. Violence is violence regardless of whether it is physical or mental abuse, and it is that which we have to find some way to rid ourselves of.
Comment from Kate S.
Time: 1/8/2005, 1:46 pm
First of all, I believe at this point in our society, the term “politically correct” has become an oxymoron.
Regarding BaB’s post and blog, and BB’s dissection, well, there are so many variables that factor into this discussion: geographical, age, demographics, social mores, the way people were raised in their homes, to name just a few.
I came from a section of the country in southern California where I was surrounded by modern couples who share housework, child rearing, supporting each other’s educational and career advancements, so when I moved up here to the Last Frontier I was shocked to see women’s place rolled back literally to the frontier times. There are so many men here who still believe that women “have their place.” It is not uncommon to see constant belittling by the men of their female spouses (we also lead the nation in rapes, domestic abuse and women’s deaths at the hands of their spouses, btw,) — but on the other hand, it is not uncommon to see younger women just lay into some of these old-fashioned men for their patronizing behavior, either.
I’ve seen it all up here. As an older returning student in the classrooms of academia, I witnessed a young generation of women and men who don’t even consider feminism outside the “feminazi” framework, appearing instead to have evolved way past that whole movement entirely, leaving middle-aged women like me in their dust. There is respect and equality shared by both genders here who shrug off any other old-fashioned ways of treating one another like a quaint classic movie filmed in black and white.
So I think it really depends on the age and upbringing of the people involved, where you are located, whether these people are “alpha” personalities or B- or C-type and who you choose to allow into your life. They are all out there. There will always be a wide assortment of humanity to choose from. It’s our responsibility to make these choices, as we can’t really all become Dr. Phils and fix everyone of their ills, can we?
We don’t spend time with those of our friends who treat their spouses with contempt and disrespect. We decided not to, and after turning down several years of invitations, we don’t get them anymore. We still love them, but it’s too uncomfortable to be around them for any longer period of time than exchanging well wishes at the grocery store.
Life’s too short, you know?
Comment from Dirtgrain
Time: 1/8/2005, 6:19 pm
I used excerpts from this post and BaB’s post in my classroom the other day. We connected it to MacBeth. Lady MacBeth doesn’t so much belittle her husband in public (although the scene at dinner when MacBeth sees ghosts might qualify), but she sure let’s him have it when they are alone.
A point I tried to make was that today so many parts of our culture encourage the type of relationship that BaB’s friends have. Sitcoms are guilty. I’m having a hard time thinking of a sitcom that doesn’t portray the husband/father as a dopey type who doesn’t stand up to his wife as she belittles and berates him in public, often when talking to others. Maybe it’s an archetype. Could it be that some people learn the roles they assume as a married people from sitcoms? If we construct our identities based on sitcoms, then perhaps we deserve lives of misery.
Maybe we could change this trend by changing the content of sitcoms and TV. Better yet would be to get people to experience other, more critical and enlightening aspect of our culture (seemingly, competing with TV for the public’s attention is a losing battle, though) that hopefully suggest more positive standards for behavior in relationships.
Comment from Kate S.
Time: 1/9/2005, 2:27 pm
Do you remember a show called “Mad About You”? I loved that show. We watched it faithfully because it seemed like the first time there was ever a realistic representation of a couple on tv the way it’s supposed to be. [Cosby, too, I just remembered.]
You’re right. There are no comedy shows currently representative of an equitable arrangement (that I can think of) where each partner treats each other with respect, without resorting to the wife turning the husband into a doofus.
Whatever gets laughs (ratings,) I suppose. Even if it is canned laughter.
Comment from Susurra
Time: 1/4/2005, 11:14 pm
Hi
Before you get trashed by other female readers I just want to say (as a female reader) that I’m glad you are writing about this, opening up the conversation.