Victoria BC: A Wintertime Emergency
Sorry Yule 
For my non-Canadian readers Victoria is the capital of British Columbia and sits on the southern tip of Vancouver Island where the ocean currents, and the hot air originating from the provincial legislature, moderate the weather and create a milder climate than the rest of BC. Victoria rarely ever gets snow. Its residents are known for rubbing the fact their flowers bloom the earliest in Canada in the noses of the rest of Canada, particularly Vancouver. Such hubris demands a response
Chronology:
- 5:35 p.m. Environment Canada predicts two to five centimetres (.75″ to 2.0″) of snow will fall on Victoria within a 24-hour period. Television weatherman reads the forecast on-air, turns white and faints.
- 5:40 p.m. Victoria Mayor Alan Lowe issues immediate appeal for federal assistance. Prime Minister Paul Martin promises to send in the army.
- 8:45 p.m. Victorians begin queuing at tire stores, leaving vehicles in line overnight to be first served in morning.
- 10:15 p.m. It turns out B.C.’s last army base, CFB Chilliwack, closed in 1998. Martin promises to send in Navy instead.
- 10:20 p.m. Navy announces ship deployment to San Diego and Hawaii for “security reasons.” Conservative Leader Stephen Harper suggests Prime Minister call Quebec advertising agencies to shovel the snow, “since that’s where the Liberals have spent all our money anyway.”
- 6:22 a.m. Temperature plunges. Word spreads that a man has found ice on his windscreen. Curious neighbours gather to watch him scrape it off with credit card. One motorist, a former Albertan, claims use of mysterious “defrost” switch on dashboard can aid in process.
- 8:15 a.m. Terrified downtown skateboarders lose toques to menacing mob of balding, middle-aged men. “We tried to run,” they say, “but these stupid baggy-assed pants made us fall down.”
- 9:30 a.m. Hardware stores sell both of their snow shovels. Islanders begin cobbling together implements made from kayak paddles, umbrellas, plywood, cookie sheets, boogie boards and heavy leather sandals.
- 10 a.m. Golfers switch to orange balls. Cricket players, anxious not to repeat the ugly “snow blower incident” of the Blizzard of ‘96, switch to orange uniforms.
- 12 Noon. Word of impending West Coast snowfall tops newscasts across Canada. Saskatoon hospitals report epidemic of sprained wrists related to viewers high-fiving one another.
- 1:20 p.m. Elementary schools call in grief counsellors. Grief counsellors refuse to go, citing lack of snow tires.
- 2:30 p.m. Rush hour begins early as office workers come down with mysterious illness and bolt for home. Usual traffic snarl is compounded by large number of four-wheel-drives abandoned by side of road.
- 2:50 p.m. Airplanes are grounded and ferries docked. No travel link between Vancouver Island and rest of the world. Victoria Times-Colonist headline: “Mainland Cut Off From Civilisation.”
- 3:22 p.m. Prime Minister Martin announces Canada’s DART rapid-response team can be on the ground within six months. “We can’t leave Victoria to deal with 225 centimetres of snow on its own,” he tells Mayor Lowe. “Um, that’s two-to-five centimetres, not two-two-five,” replies the mayor. The prime minister curses and hangs up.
- 3:33 p.m. Provincial government responds to crisis by installing slot machines in homeless shelters.
- 4:10 p.m. At behest of Provincial Emergency Program, authorities begin adding Prozac to drinking water.
- 4:15 p.m. Fears of food shortage lead to alarming scenes of violence and looting. Grocery shoppers riot across the city, except in affluent Oak Bay area, where residents hire caterers to do rioting for them.
- 4:30 p.m. Bracing for the arrival of snow, the city is gripped by an eerie stillness reminiscent of Baghdad on the eve of the invasion. Searchlights comb darkening sky for first signs of precipitation.
- 4:48 p.m. Panic ripples across region as word comes in that first flakes have fallen. False alarm. “Flakes” turn out to be nothing more than anthrax spores released by terrorists. An uneasy calm returns to city.
- 5:40 p.m. Weatherman, shaking uncontrollably, tells viewers that snow warning has been extended. This weather pattern could go on for days. Mercury plummets to ‘Calgary-in-August’ levels. Martial law is declared. Victoria-area politicians announce plans to establish emergency command centre aboard HMCS Regina once it reaches Oahu…..
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Comments
Comment from Kate S.
Time: 1/15/2005, 12:58 pm
That was hysterical! I love that kind of humor. Did you write this?
Comment from Doug Alder
Time: 1/15/2005, 12:59 pm
No a friend sent it to me - I have no talent for creative writing whatsoever.
Comment from taylor
Time: 7/30/2005, 8:37 am
i would like to know much about victorians sheltes
Comment from Yule
Time: 1/14/2005, 6:53 pm
That was hilarious, Doug — I loved the T-C headline, “Mainland cut off from civilisation” and reports of wrist injuries in other parts of Canada from all the gleeful gloating!!
Well, the snow has melted, but man-oh-man, has it ever gotten cold! It must be close to freezing, at least. No, seriously, it’s way too cold for here. And apparently, it would be much colder if the ocean temperature weren’t one to two degrees above normal: the water surrounding us has been warming things up. I don’t know what’s going on, but it’s pretty freaky. In Europe, they haven’t had a proper winter in years and are hitting record highs. Meanwhile, hurricane force winds devastate the north of Europe. In California, they’re inundated, then covered by mudslides. And on the east coast, it’s warm! Completely topsy-turvy, out of whack. I’m sure eating my words: around the solstice, I gloated about how the light would return, and that darkness is the only thing that really gets a body down around here in wintertime; I said something about, “It’s not going to get any colder as we move into winter.” Hah. It sure has gotten colder.
But I hear that you’re buried under 8 feet of snow and are hovering around 10 below, so I guess I should shut-up.