Doug’s Dynamic Drivel

A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He can’t wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is.

The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.

The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands “Okay, Irving, Fetch!”

Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.

Looking up at his master, he whines, “You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy … This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it’s easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it…it’s too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don’t you try it if you think it’s so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It’s disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can’t remember when!”

The neighbor is absolutely amazed … stunned. In astonishment, he says, “I can’t believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us.”

“I know, I know.” says the owner. “He’s not yet fully trained yet. He thought I said, ‘Kvetch’.”