Doug’s Dynamic Drivel

First, buy a housecoat (shmata) and wear it all day, every day. Then go out and buy a live chicken, carry it wrapped in a newspaper to the shoichet (slaughterer) who will ritually slaughter it before your very eyes. When you get it home, flick (pluck) your chicken and make sure you don’t leave in any pinchus (feather ends).

In the meantime, cover your couch in clear plastic, or floral slip covers, and don’t let anyone into your living room again …unless they are “company.” Now you’re a real balabusta and the essence of your universe is in the kitchen. So get out your wooden matches, light the pilot light, get out the volgar holtz (large dowel like piece of wood used as a rolling pin) and get ready to hock the tzibbeles (chop the onions) and knubble (garlic).

Before we start, however, there are some variations in ingredients because of the various types of Jewish taste (Litvack and Gallicianer).

Just as we Jews have six seasons of the year (winter, spring, summer, fall, slack, and busy), we all focus on a main ingredient which, unfortunately and undeservedly, has disappeared from our diet. I’m talking, of course, about SCHMALTZ (chicken fat)! Schmaltz has for centuries been the prime ingredient in almost every Jewish dish, and I feel it’s time to revive it to its rightful place in our homes. I have plans to distribute it in a green glass Gucci bottle with a label clearly stating: LOW FAT, NO CHOLESTEROL, NEWMAN’S CHOICE, EXTRA VIRGIN SCHMALTZ (it can’t miss!)

Let’s start, of course, with the forshpeiz (appetizer). Gehockteh layber (chopped liver) with schmaltz and tzibbeles (onion) is always good, but how about something more exotic for your dear ones–boiled whitefish in yoyech (gel). It’s fried in–you guessed it–schmaltz, bread crumbs, eggs, onions, salt and pepper. Love it! Then there are gribenes, which are pieces of chicken skin, deep-fried in schmaltz, onions and salt until crispy brown–often referred to as Jewish bacon (this makes a great appetizer for the next cardiology convention).

Another favorite, and I’m sure your children will love it, is pe’tcha (jellied calves feet). Simply chop up some cows’ feet with your hockmesser (chopper), add some meat, onions, lots of garlic, schmaltz (yes, again), salt and pepper, cook for five hours, and let it sit overnight.

There’s also a nice chicken fricassee (stew) using the heart, gorgl (neck), pipick (the navel–chickens have navels???) a great! delicacy, given to the favorite child, a fleegl (wing) or two, in a broth of schmaltz, water, paprika, etc.

We also have knishes (filled dough) and the eternal question: “Will that be liver, beef, potatoes, or all three?” Other time-tested favorites are kishke, and its poor cousin, helzel (chicken or goose neck). Kishke is the gut of the cow, bought by the foot at the kosher butcher. It’s turned inside out, scalded and scraped. One end is sewn up and a mixture of flour, schmaltz (you didn’t think we’d leave that out), onions, eggs, salt, pepper, etc., is spooned into the open end and squished down until it is full. Then that end is sewn, and the whole thing is boiled. Yummy!

Well, we’ve finally finished the forshpeiz. Don’t tell me you’re full because there’s plenty to come. For our next course, we always had chicken soup in a sea of lokshen (noodles), farfel (broken bits of matzah), arbiss (chickpeas), lima beans, pietrishkeh (parsnip), onions, mondlech (soup nuts), knaydlach (dumplings), kasha, (groats), kliskelech and marech (marrow bones).

The main course, as I recall, was either boiled chicken, flanken, kakletten (hockfleish–chopped meat), and sometimes rib steaks which were served either well done, burned, or cremated. Occasionally, we had barbecued liver done to a burned and hardened perfection in our own coal furnace.

Since we couldn’t have milk or any dairy products (milchiks) with our meat meals (flayshiks), beverages consisted of cheap pop (seltzer in the spritz bottles), or a glezel tay (glass of hot tea) served in a yahrtzeit (memorial) glass, and sucked through a sugar cube held between the incisors.

Desserts were probably the only things not made with schmaltz, so we never had any…..unless it was flummen (cooked prunes). Mama never learned how to make schmaltz Jell-O. Oh yes, don’t forget the loud greps (belch)–the louder the better–at the end of the meal as you unbutton or unzip your pants. It’s often the best part of the repast.

Zei mir gezunt (be well)……and savor all the wonderful memories with family during the holidays and always.