Pecos Bush rides an Iraqi Tornado

Stolen From Yellow Times

Retold by Yusuf Agha
(With apologies to S. E. Schlosser)
YellowTimes.org Columnist (United States)

(YellowTimes.org) – Now everyone in the U.S. knows that Pecos Bush can ride anything. No Democrat could throw him, no sir! Not even Tennessee Al, who durned well went ahead and won the public mandate but lost the saddle. Fact is, I only heard of Pecos gettin' throwed once in his whole career as a cowboy. Yep, it was that time he was up Bagdad way and decided to ride him a tornado.

On second thought, make that twice, I reckon. Yes, sirre, make that twice. The other time was when them stinger-packin' Afghan cowboys riding the Harleys began taking back their wild west from poor ol' Kabul Karzai, and Pecos stood by thunderstruck like one of 'em truants being yelled at by a school marm.

It all started when New York City was turning the sky black and green, and roaring so loud it woke up the farmers way over in North Korea.

Well, the Neocon tribe jest grabbed Pecos, pushed him to the ground, and jumped on his back yelling, "Let's get them Iraqis." But the Generalissimo came to his rescue and said, "Let's bomb 'em Afghans instead."

The Neocons whipped and whirled and sidewinded and generally cussed their bad luck all the way down to Texas. Tied the rivers into knots, flattened all the corporations so bad they had to close down retirement funds for lil' ol' ladies at Enron (now that's what you call one bad Lay.) But the General jest kept on ridin' his catfish down the Rio Grande all calm-like, give 'em an occasional jab with his spurs.

Finally, the Neocons decided it was time getting this drugstore cowboy off his tush. Did they head west to California and jest rain themselves out? No sir, that they left for Arnold Sch-War-zene-Guerre -- to terminate the Democratic guv' there. You've gotta' get them Dems down in every possible way before them elections, so as they look like a defeated war party. (Like they needs help to look that way!)

So the Neocons told Pecos that it was them Injuns making all the trouble. You know, them Iroquois living in them wigwams in Bagdad, baking all that yellowcake, and creating all them bows and arrows and weapons of mess destructun'. Yes, sir, said Pecos, let's make take on Mingo town all over again!

Now Pecos wasn't gonna ride jest any tornado, no ma'am. He waited till his advisors pointed out the biggest gol-durned tornado you ever saw.
Well now, Afghanistan jest became too tame for Pecos once he thought he had killed off all the bad Taliban, so he struck out for Bagdad, looking for a hard outfit. He asked old Congo Lisa he met on the way where he could find a hard outfit, and the trapper directed him to a place where the dictator bit nails in half for fun. It sounded like a promisin' place to Pecos, so he set off.

But his dad's durned fool coalition got its neck broke on the way, and Pecos found himself afoot. Anyhow, he put on his shooting irons and gone snubbed the Frenchies at Ma Kofi's best little whorehouse at the United Nations. Pecos went a walkin' with his saddle on his back. Suddenly, he come face to face with Saddam, one ornery chief lookin' fer trouble. Now Pecos wanted to be fair to the rattler, so he let his posse get in a few jabs before he beat the stuffin' out of him. Being a kind man, when the Republican guards was beat, he knocked Saddam's statue down and let the real thing git away. He jest wrapped the statue around his neck and carried it along with him.

Pecos saddles him up an Iraqi conscript named Chalabi and they tear off across them deserts like forked lightening. Chalabi's the same guy wanted for russlin' cattle in Jordan, and Pecos wanted to give the varmint a parole.

They was a headin' through a narrow canyon when the Iraqi resistance hought they'd have a bit of fun and jumped them. Pecos never turned a hair. He jest put down his saddle and then whipped the tarnation out of the Iraqi civilian
population. Hair flew everywhere, blocking the light sose them cowboys thought it was night and started killing men, women, children and journalists.

"The chick just got in the way," said the soldier, as he knocked off the mother of six with his Colt 44.

Whenever the Iraqi resistance want to rile Pecos up, they just give his boys a tap with a rocket launcher the Americans supplied them to kill them Iranians (that's another Indian tribe in them places). They set such a pace that they soon rolled into the hard outfit Congo Lisa told Pecos about.

Now quick as a wink, Pecos wants to jump off the tornado and help himself to some beans and coffee and blue helmets at Ma Kofi's lil' whorehouse. Wiping his mouth with a prickly pear, he turns to look at the toughs sittin' around the Security Council.

"Who's the boss around here, anyhow?" they asks.

"I was," says Pecos, not feeling a feller about seven foot tall and wide anymore, and dropping fast in them Newsweek re-election polls, "but you are now, strangers!"

Anyway, that's how the American empire almost got started, though most cowboys nowadays think they should stick to a domestic 'genda like jobs and economy and failed energy policies.

[Yusuf Agha is a historian who also dabbles in Information Technology. He reads extensively and has an interest in the visual and performing arts. He has resided in the United States for over two decades, loves its people and the land, but is still trying to figure out whom the government represents.]

Yusuf Agha encourages your comments: yagha@YellowTimes.org

Posted by The Dynamic Driveler at September 01, 2003 11:09 AM