No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
.
Technorati Tags: jokes, funny, bear warning, humor
Fred Zimmerman sings the Creation Science song. Decent guitar playing too
Technorati Tags: Fred Zimmerman, Creation Science, Darwin, evolution
Ladies this has to be read, laughed at and passed on. There is not a woman alive today who won’t crack up over this—-
I was due for an appointment with the gynecologist later in the week. Early one morning, I received a call from the doctor’s office to tell me that I had been rescheduled for that morning at 9:30 am. I had only just packed everyone off to work and school, and it was already around 8:45am. The trip to his office took about 35 minutes, so I didn’t have any time to spare. As most women do, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn’t going to be able to make the full effort.
So, I rushed upstairs, threw off my pajamas, wet the washcloth that was sitting next to the sink, and gave myself a quick wash in that area to make sure I was at least presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothes basket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room for only a few minutes when I was called in. Knowing the procedure, as I’m sure you do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended that I was in Paris or some other place a million miles away.
I was a little surprised when the doctor said, ‘My, we have made an extra effort this morning, haven’t we?’
I didn’t respond.
After the appointment, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day was normal. Some shopping, cleaning, cooking. After school when my 6 year old daughter was playing, she called out from the bathroom,
‘Mommy, where’s my washcloth?’
I told her to get another one from the cupboard. She replied,
‘No, I need the one that was here by the sink, it had all my glitter and sparkles saved inside it.’
Never going back to that doctor. Ever
Technorati Tags: gynecologist, washcloth, extra effort, glitter and sparkles
You know, we’re really going to miss Bush when he’s gone because he is a natural target for comedians. His mangling of English and his goofy looks were just the thing to make fun of. Obama, however, despite his ability to motivate crowds is just plain boring when it comes to comedic material. Nevertheless, Andy Borowitz had a go at it today
Saying he is “sympathetic to late night comedians’ struggle to find jokes to make about me,” Sen. Barack Obama (D-Ill) today issued a list of official campaign-approved Barack Obama jokes.
The five jokes, which Sen. Obama said he is making available to all comedians free of charge, are as follows:
Barack Obama and a kangaroo pull up to a gas station. The gas station attendant takes one look at the kangaroo and says, “You know, we don’t get many kangaroos here.” Barack Obama replies, “At these prices, I’m not surprised. That’s why we need to reduce our dependence on foreign oil.”
A traveling salesman knocks on the door of a farmhouse, and much to his surprise, Barack Obama answers the door. The salesman says, “I was expecting the farmer’s daughter.” Barack Obama replies, “She’s not here. The farm was foreclosed on because of subprime loans that are making a mockery of the American Dream.”
A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Why the long face?” Barack Obama replies, “His jockey just lost his health insurance, which should be the right of all Americans.”
Q: What’s black and white and red all over?
Barack Obama: The New Yorker magazine, which should be embarrassed after publishing such a tasteless and offensive cover, which I reject and denounce.A Christian, a Jew and Barack Obama are in a rowboat in the middle of the ocean. Barack Obama says, “This joke isn’t going to work because there’s no Muslim in this boat.”
Technorati Tags: Bush, Obama, boring, there’s no Muslim in this boat
The dog was stretched full-out on the back seat and he wanted to impress upon her that she must remain there. He walked to the curb backward, pointing his finger at the car and saying emphatically, ‘Now you stay. Do you hear me?’ ‘Stay! Stay!’
The driver of a nearby car, a pretty blonde young lady, gave him a strange look and said, ‘Why don’t you just put it in park?
‘Lord, that’s the most direct proposition I’ve ever had!’ gasped the girl. Then she looked around the room, smiled and added, ‘Sure, why not? You’re nice lookin’ too, and it’s pretty slow here right now, so why don’t we just slip away up to my room?’
When the pair returned half an hour later, the man sat down at the same table and the waitress asked, ‘Will there be anything else, sir?’
‘Why yes,’ replied the southern gentleman. ‘Ah sure ‘preciate what y’all just did for me; it was real sweet and right neighbourly, but where ah come from in Albama, we lack our bourbon real cold, so ah still need to trouble y’all for a piece uh ass for mah drink.’
Technorati Tags: a piece uh ass
The vet decided to keep her for a day or so. He said he would let us know when we could come and get her.
My husband (the complainer) said, “OK, but don’t forget to wash her, she stinks.” He reminded the vet that it was his WIFE (me) that wanted the dirty cat, not him.
My husband and my Vet don’t see eye to eye. The vet calls my husband ‘El-Cheap-O’, and my husband calls the vet ‘El-Charge-O’. They love to hate each other and constantly ’snipe’ at one another, with my husband getting in the last word on this particular occasion.
The next day my husband had an appointment with his doctor, who is located in the same building, next door to the vet.
The MD’s waiting room and office was full of people waiting to see the doctor. A side door opened and the vet leaned in - he had obviously seen my husband arrive.
He looked straight at my husband and in a loud voice said, “Your wife’s pussy doesn’t stink any more. We washed and shaved it, and now she smells like a rose. Oh, and, by the way, I think she’s pregnant. God only knows who the father is!” Then he closed the door.
Now THAT, my friends, is getting even!
Technorati Tags: vet, complainer, last word, getting even
Technorati Tags: home depot honors fallen soldiers, parody, the Onion
So when Bubba’s 21st birthday came around, he and his pal Jim Bob took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Bubba stepped out of the boat … and nearly drowned! Jim Bob just barely managed to pull him to safety.
Furious and confused, Bubba went to see his grandmother. ‘Grandma,’ he asked, ‘it’s my 21st birthday, so why can’t I walk ‘cross the lake like my pappy, grandpappy, and great grandpappy?’
Granny looked deeply into Bubba’s troubled eyes and said, ‘Because your father, your grandfather and your great grandfather were born in January, when the lake was frozen, and you were born in July, you idiot.’
Technorati Tags: Bubba, family tradition, walk on water, 21st birthday
For all the musicians out there that arrived at a concert and forgot their instruments at home, here’s a lesson in improvisation
h/t GrrlScientist
George Carlin on aging. Damn the man was brilliant.
Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we’re kids? If you’re less than 10 years old, you’re so excited about aging that you think in fractions.
‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m four and a half!’ You’re never thirty-six and a half. You’re four and a half, going on five! That’s the key
You get into your teens, now they can’t hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.
‘How old are you?’ ‘I’m gonna be 16!’ You could be 13, but hey, you’re gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life .. You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony . YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!!
But then you turn 30. Oooohh, what happened there? Makes you sound like bad milk! He TURNED; we had to throw him out. There’s no fun now, you’re Just a sour-dumpling. What’s wrong? What’s changed?
You BECOME 21, you TURN 30, then you’re PUSHING 40. Whoa! Put on the brakes, it’s all slipping away. Before you know it, you REACH 50 and your dreams are gone.
But wait!!! You MAKE it to 60. You didn’t think you would!
So you BECOME 21, TURN 30, PUSH 40, REACH 50 and MAKE it to 60.
You’ve built up so much speed that you HIT 70! After that it’s a day-by-day thing; you HIT Wednesday!
You get into your 80’s and every day is a complete cycle; you HIT lunch; you TURN 4:30 ; you REACH bedtime. And it doesn’t end there. Into the 90s, you start going backwards; ‘I Was JUST 92.’
Then a strange thing happens. If you make it over 100, you become a little kid again. ‘I’m 100 and a half!’
May you all make it to a healthy 100 and a half!!
Technorati Tags: aging
If you’ve ever done tech support you’ll get a kick out of this for sure. Truly a BOFH
h/t Allied
Here’s the ad that J.C.Penny did not want you to see (background info here)
h/t to Shelley