Doug's Divine Drollery

A lot of visitors are being referred here from StumbledUpon – the original links you are clicking on are redirected here as I am in the process of changing the site – to find the jokes you were trying to get to use the search bar above or the categories off to the side.

These were apparently found in high school essays, these are actual analogies and metaphors found in high school essays, so be afraid… be very afraid…

Some Rendings from Future Literary Giants

1. Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a thigh master.
2. His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.
3. He spoke with wisdom that can only come from experience, like a guy who went blind because he looked at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it and now goes around the country speaking about the dangers of looking at a solar eclipse without one of those boxes with a pinhole in it.
4. She grew on him like E. coli and he was room temperature Canadian beef
5. She had a deep throaty genuine laugh like that sound a dog makes just before he throws up.
6. Her vocabulary was as bad, as, like, whatever.
7. He was as tall as a six foot three inch tree.
8. The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated because of his wife’s infidelity came as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.
9. The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn’t.
10. McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty bag filled with vegetable soup.
11. From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7 pm instead of 7:30.
12. Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
13. The hailstones leaped up off the pavement, just like maggots when you fry them in hot grease.
14. Long separated by cruel fate, the star crossed lovers raced across a grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left Cleveland at 6:36 pm traveling at 55 mph, the other from Topeka at 4:19 pm. at a speed of 35 mph.
15. They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resemble Nancy Kerrigan’s teeth.
16. John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
17. He fell for her like his heart was a mob informant and she was the East River.
18. Even in his last years, Grandpappy had a mind like a steel trap……. except like one that had been left out so long and it had rusted shut.
19. Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do.
20. The plan was simple, like my brother-in-law Phil. But unlike Phil,this plan just might work.
21. Young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while.
22. “Oh, Jason, take me!” she panted, her breasts heaving like a college freshman on $1-a-beer night.
23. He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either,but a real duck that was actually lame. Maybe from stepping on a landmine or something.
24. The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a fire hydrant.
25. It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids with power tools.
26. He was deeply in love when she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up.
27. She was as easy as the TV guide crossword.
28. Her eyes were like limpid pools, only they had forgotten to put in any pH cleanser.
29. She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs.
30. Her voice had that tense grating quality, like a generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightening.
31. It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall.

The following questions and answers are reputed to have been collated from last year’s British GCSE exams. (16 year olds)- something I find hard to believe – Doug

It was the final exam for an English course at a university. Like most freshman courses, it was designed to weed out new students, having over 700 students in the class. The professor was very strict and told the class that any exam that was not on his desk in exactly two hours would not be accepted and the student would fail. Thirty minutes into the exam, a student came rushing in and asked for an exam booklet.

“You’re not going to have time to finish this,” the professor stated as he handed the student a booklet.

“Yes, I will,” replied the student. He then took a seat and began writing. After two hours, the students filed up and handed their exams in. All except the late student, who continued writing. Half an hour later, he finally came up to the professor’s desk and attempted to put his exam on the stack of exam booklets.

“No you don’t, I am not going to accept that, It’s late!”

The student looked incredulous and angry. “Do you know who I am?”

“No, as a matter of fact, I don’t,” replied the professor sarcastically.

“DO YOU KNOW WHO I AM?” the student asked again.

“No, and I don’t care,” replied the professor with an air of superiority.

“Good!” replied the student, who quickly lifted the stack of completed exams, stuffed his in the middle, and walked out of the room.

• you can identify universities by their internet domains.
• you are constantly looking for a thesis in novels.
• you have difficulty reading anything that doesn’t have footnotes.
• you understand jokes about Foucoult.
• the concept of free time scares you.
• you consider caffeine to be a major food group.
• you’ve ever brought books with you on vacation and actually studied.v
• Saturday nights spent studying no longer seem weird.
• the professor doesn’t show up to class and you discuss the readings anyway.
• you’ve ever travelled across two state lines specifically to go to a library.
• you appreciate the fact that you get to choose *which* twenty hours out of the day you have to work.
• you still feel guilty about giving students low grades (you’ll get over it).
• you can read course books and cook at the same time.
• you schedule events for academic vacations so your friends can come.
• you hope it snows during spring break so you can get more studying in.
• you’ve ever worn out a library card.
• you find taking notes in a park relaxing.
• you find yourself citing sources in conversation.
• you’ve ever sent a personal letter with footnotes.
• you can analyze the significance of appliances you cannot operate.
• your carrel is better decorated than your apartment.
• you have ever, as a folklore project, attempted to track the progress of your own joke across the Internet.
• you are startled to meet people who neither need nor want to read.
• you have ever brought a scholarly article to a bar.
• you rate coffee shops by the availability of outlets for your laptop.
• everything reminds you of something in your discipline.
• you have ever discussed academic matters at a sporting event.
• you have ever spent more than $50 on photocopying while researching a single paper.
• there is a microfilm reader in the library that you consider “yours.”
• you actually have a preference between microfilm and microfiche.
• you can tell the time of day by looking at the traffic flow at the library.
• you look forward to summers because you’re more productive without the distraction of classes.
• you regard ibuprofen as a vitamin.
• you consider all papers to be works in progress.
• professors don’t really care when you turn in work anymore.
• you find the bibliographies of books more interesting than the actual text.
• you have given up trying to keep your books organized and are now just trying to keep them all in the same general area.
• you have accepted guilt as an inherent feature of relaxation.

Many of you young persons out there are seriously thinking about going to college. (That is, of course, a lie. The only things you young persons think seriously about are beer, loud music and sex. Trust me: these are closely related to college.)

College is basically a bunch of rooms where you sit for roughly two thousand hours and try to memorize things. The two thousand hours are spread out over four years; you spend the rest of the time drinking, sleeping and trying to get dates.

Basically, you learn two kinds of things in college:

1. Things you will need to know in later life (two hours). These include how to make collect telephone calls and get beer and crepe-paper stains out of your pajamas.
2. Things you will not need to know in later life (1,998 hours). These are the things you learn in classes whose names end in -ology, – - -osophy, -istry, -ics, and so on. The idea is, you memorize these things, then write them down in little exam books, then forget them. If you fail to forget them, you become a professor and have to stay in college for the rest of your life.

It’s very difficult to forget everything. For example, when I was in college, I had to memorize — don’t ask me why — the names of three metaphysical poets other than John Donne. I have managed to forget one of them, but I still remember that the other two were named Vaughan and Crashaw. Sometimes, when I’m trying to remember something important like whether my wife told me to get tuna packed in oil or tuna packed in water, Vaughan and Crashaw just pop up in my mind, right there in the supermarket. It’s a terrible waste of brain cells.

After you’ve been in college for a year or so, you’re supposed to choose a major, which is the subject you intend to memorize and forget the most things about. Here is a very important piece of advice: Be sure to choose a major that does not involve Known Facts and Right Answers.

This means you must *not* major in mathematics, physics, biology, or chemistry, because these subjects involve actual facts. If, for example, you major in mathematics, you’re going to wander into class one day and the professor will say: “Define the cosine integer of the quadrant of a rhomboid binary axis, and extrapolate your result to five significant vertices.” If you don’t come up with exactly the answer the professor has in mind, you fail. The same is true of chemistry: if you write in your exam book that carbon and hydrogen combine to form oak, your professor will flunk you. He wants you to come up with the same answer he and all the other chemists have agreed on. Scientists are extremely snotty about this.

So you should major in subjects like English, philosophy, psychology, and sociology — subjects in which nobody really understands what anybody else is talking about, and which involve virtually no actual facts.

I attended classes in all these subjects, so I’ll give you a quick overview of each:

1. ENGLISH: This involves writing papers about long books you have read little snippets of just before class. Here is a tip on how to get good grades on your English papers: Never say anything about a book that anybody with any common sense would say. For example, suppose you are studying Moby-Dick. Anybody with any common sense would say that Moby Dick is a big white whale, since the characters in the book refer to it as a big white whale roughly eleven thousand times. So in your paper, you say Moby-Dick is actually the Republic of Ireland. Your professor, who is sick to death of reading papers and never liked Moby Dick anyway, will think you are enormously creative. If you can regularly come up with lunatic interpretations of simple stories, you should major in English.
2. PHILOSOPHY: Basically, this involves sitting in a room and deciding there is no such thing as reality and then going to lunch. You should major in philosophy if you plan to take a lot of drugs.
3. PSYCHOLOGY: This involves talking about rats and dreams. Psychologists are obsessed with rats and dreams. I once spent an entire semester training a rat to punch little buttons in a certain sequence, then training my roommate to do the same thing. The rat learned much faster. My roommate is now a doctor. If you like rats or dreams, and above all if you dream about rats, you should major in psychology.
4. SOCIOLOGY: For sheer lack of intelligibility, sociology is far and away the number one subject. I sat through hundreds of hours of sociology courses, and read gobs of sociology writing, and I never once heard or read a coherent statement. This is because sociologists want to be considered scientists, so they spend most of their time translating simple, obvious observations into scientific – sounding code. If you plan to major in sociology, you’ll have to learn to do the same thing. For example, suppose you have observed that children cry when they fall down. You should write: “Methodological observation of the sociometrical behavior tendencies of pre-maturated isolates indicates that a casual relationship exists between groundward tropism and lachrimatory, or ‘crying,’ behavior forms.” If you can keep this up for fifty or sixty pages, you will get large government grants.

• Refrain means don’t do it.
• A virtuoso is a musician with real high morals.
• Handel was half German, half Italian, and half English. He was rather large.
• Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling him. I guess he could not hear so good.
• Henry Purcell is a well known composer few people have ever heard of.
• Aaron Copland is one of your most famous contemporary composers. It is unusual to be contemporary. Most composers do not live until they are dead.
• An opera is a song of bigly size.
• When a singer sings, he stirs up the air and makes it hit any passing eardrums. But if he is good, he knows how to keep it from hurting.
• Music sung by two people at the same time is called a duel.
• I know what a sextet is but I’d rather not say.
• Probably the most marvelous fugue was the one between the Hatfields and McCoys.
• My very best liked piece of music is the Bronze Lullaby.
• My favorite composer is Opus.
• A harp is a nude piano.
• A tuba is much larger than its name.
• A trumpet is an instrument when it is not an elephant sound.
• When electric currents go through them, guitars start making sounds. So would anybody.
• A bassoon looks like nothing I have ever heard.
• Last month I found out how a clarinet works by taking it apart. I both found out and got in trouble.
• Question: Is the saxophone a brass or a woodwind instrument? Answer: Yes.
• The concertmaster of an orchestra is always the person who sits in the first chair of the first violins. This means that when a person is elected concertmaster, he has to hurry up and learn how to play a violin real good.
• For some reason, they always put a treble clef in front of every line of flute music. You just watch.
• Anyone who can read all the instrument notes at the same time gets to be the conductor.
• The most dangerous part about playing cymbals is near the nose.
• Musical instrument has a plural known as orchestra.
• It is easy to teach anyone to play the maracas. Just grip the neck and shake him in rhythm.
• Just about any animal skin can be stretched over a frame to make a pleasant sound once the animal is removed.

You know that book, Men are from Mars, Women from Venus? Well, here’s a
prime example of that. This assignment was actually turned in by two of my
English students: Rebecca (last name deleted) and Gary (last name deleted).

First, the Assignment: English 44A, SMU, Creative Writing

Prof. Miller

In-class Assignment for Wednesday

Today we will experiment with a new form called the tandem story. The
process is simple. Each person will pair off with the person sitting to his
or her immediate right. One of you will then write the first paragraph of a
short story. The partner will read the first paragraph and then add another
paragraph to the story. The first person will then add a third paragraph,
and so on back and forth. Remember to re-read what has been written each
time in order to keep the story coherent. The story is over when both agree
a conclusion has been reached. And now, the Assignment as submitted by
Rebecca & Gary:

At first, Laurie couldn’t decide which kind of tea she wanted. The
chamomile, which used to be her favorite for lazy evenings at home, now
reminded her too much of Carl, who once said, in happier times, that he
liked chamomile. But she felt she must now, at all costs, keep her mind off
Carl. His possessiveness was suffocating, and if she thought about him too
much her asthma started acting up again. So chamomile was out of the
question.

Meanwhile, Advance Sergeant Carl Harris, leader of the attack squadron now
in orbit over Skylon 4, had more important things to think about than
the neuroses of an air-headed asthmatic bimbo named Laurie with whom he had
spent one sweaty night over a year ago. “A.S. Harris to Geostation 17,” he
said into his transgalactic communicator. “Polar orbit established. No sign
of resistance so far…” But before he could sign off a bluish particle beam
flashed out of nowhere and blasted a hole through his ship’s cargo bay. The
jolt from the direct hit sent him flying out of his seat and across the
cockpit.

He bumped his head and died almost immediately, but not before he
felt one last pang of regret for physically brutalizing the one woman who
had ever had feelings for him. Soon afterwards, Earth stopped its pointless
hostilities towards the peaceful farmers of Skylon 4. “Congress Passes Law
Permanently Abolishing War and Space Travel”, Laurie read in her newspaper
one morning. The news simultaneously excited her and bored her. She stared
out the window, dreaming of her youth — when the days had passed
unhurriedly and carefree, with no newspapers to read, no television to
distract her from her sense of innocent wonder at all the beautiful things
around her. “Why must one lose one’s innocence to become a woman?” she
pondered wistfully.

Little did she know, but she has less than 10 seconds to live. Thousands of
miles above the city, the Anu’udrian mothership launched the first of its
lithium fusion missiles. The dim-witted wimpy peaceniks who pushed the
Unilateral Aerospace Disarmament Treaty through Congress had left
Earth a defenseless target for the hostile alien empires who were determined
to destroy the human race. Within two hours after the passage of the treaty
the Anu’udrian ships were on course for Earth, carrying enough firepower to
pulverize the entire planet. With no one to stop them, they swiftly
initiated their diabolical plan. The lithium fusion missile entered the
atmosphere unimpeded. The President, in his top-secret mobile submarine
headquarters on the ocean floor off the coast of Guam, felt the
inconceivably massive explosion which vaporized Laurie and 85 million other
Americans. The President slammed his fist on the conference table. “We can’t
allow this! I’m going to veto that treaty! Let’s blow’em out of the sky!”

This is absurd. I refuse to continue this mockery of literature. My writing partner is a violent, chauvinistic, semi-literate adolescent.

Yeah? Well, you’re a self-centered tedious neurotic whose attempts at writing are the literary equivalent of Valium.

Asshole.

Bitch.

According to a news report, a certain private school in Victoria, BC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of year 12 girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints. Every night, the maintenance man would remove them and the next day the girls would put them back.

Finally the principal decided that something had to be done. She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for the custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it. Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators

Those who forget history–and the English language–may be condemned to mangle both. Historian Anders Henriksson, a five year veteran of the university classroom, has faithfully recorded his freshman students’ more striking insights into European history. Possibly as an act of vengeance, Henriksson has assembled these fractured fragments into a chronological narrative from the Middle Ages to the present.

• During the Middle Ages, everyone was middle aged. Church and state were co-operated. Middle Evil society was made up of monks, lords, and surfs. After a revival of infantile commerce, merchants appeared. Those roamed from town to town exposing themselves and organizing big fairies in the countryside. The Crusades were expeditions by Christians who were seeking to free the holy land (the “Home Town” of Christ) from the Islams.
• In the 1400 hundreds most Englishmen were perpendicular. Finally, Europe caught the Black Death. It was spread from port to port by inflected rats. The plague also helped the emergence of English as the national language of England, France, and Italy.
• The Middle Ages slimpared to a halt. The renesance bolted in from the blue. Life reeked with joy. Italy became robust, and more individuals felt the value of their human being. Italy, of course, was much closer to the rest of the world, thanks to northern Europe. Man was determined to civilise himself and his brothers, even if heads had to roll! It became sheik to be educated. Europe was full of incredable churches with great art bulging out of their doors. Renaissance merchants were beautiful and almost lifelike.
• The Reformation happened when German nobles resented that tithes were going to the pope, thus enriching Catholic coiffures. The popes were usually Catholic. An angry Martin Luther nailed 95 theocrats to a church door. Theologically, Luthar was into reorientation mutation. Anabaptist services tended to be migratory. Monks went right on seeing themselves as worms. The last Jesuit priest died in the 19th century.
• After the refirmation were wars both foreign and infernal. If the Spanish could gain the Netherlands they would have a stronghold throughout northern Europe that would include Italy, Burgangy, central Europe and India thus surrounding France. The German Emperor’s lower passage was blocked by the French for years and years.
• Louis XIV became King of the Sun. He gave people food and artillery. If he didn’t like someone, he sent them to the gallows to row for the rest of their lives. Vauban was the royal minister of flirtation.
• In Russia, the 17th century was known as the time of the bounding of the serfs. Russian nobles wore clothes to humor Peter the Great. Peter filled his government with accidental people; orthodox priests became government antennae.
• The enlightenment was a reasonable time. Voltaire wrote a book called Candy that got him into trouble. Philosophers were unknown yet, and the fundamental stake was one of religious tolerance slightly confused with defeatism.
• France was in a serious state. Taxation was a great drain on the state budget. The French revolution was accomplished before it happened. The revolution catapaulted into Napolean. Napoleon was ill with bladder problems and was very tense and unrestrained.
• History started in 1815. Industrialization was precipitating in England. Problems were so complexicated that in Paris, out of a population of 1 million people, 2 million able bodies were on the loose.
• The middle class was tired and needed a rest. The old order could see the lid holding down new ideas beginning to shake. Among the goals of the chartists were universal suferage and an anal parliment.
• A new time zone of national unification roared over the horizon. Founder of the new Italy was Cavour, an intelligent Sardine from the north. Culture formented from its tip to its top. Dramatized were adventures in seduction and abortion. Music reeked with reality. Wagner was master of music, and when he died they labeled his seat “historical.”
• World War I broke out about 1912-1914. At war people get killed, and then they aren’t people any more, but friends. Peace was proclaimed at Versigh, which was attended by General Loid, Primal Minister of England. President Wilson arrived with 14 pointers. In 1917, Lenin revolted Russia.
• Germany was displaced after WW1. This gave rise to Hitler, who remilitarized the Rineland over a squirmish between Germany and France. Mooscalini rested his foundations on 8 million bayonets and invaded Hi Lee Salasy. Germany invaded Poland, France invaded Belgium, and Russia invaded everybody. War screeched to an end when a nukleer explosion was dropped on Heroshima. A whole generation had been wipe out, and their forlorne families were left to pick up the peaces.
• The last stage is us

A teacher was helping her students with a math problem. She recited the following story: “There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one of the birds. How many birds are left on the wire?”

A boy pauses. “None,” he replied thoughtfully.

“No, no, no, let’s try again,” the teacher says patiently. She holds up three fingers.

“There are three birds sitting on a wire. A hunter shoots one,” she puts down one finger,

“how many birds are left on the wire?”

“None!” the boy says with authority.

The teacher sighs. “Tell me how you came up with that.”

“It’s simple,” says the boy, “after the gunman shot one bird, he scared the other two away.

Well,” she says, “it’s not technically correct, but I like the way you think.”

“Okay,” chimes the boy, “now let me ask you a question. There are three women sitting on a bench eating Popsicles. One woman is licking the Popsicle, one woman is biting the Popsicle, and one is sucking the Popsicle. Which one is married?” he asked.

The teacher looked at the boy’s angelic face and she writhed in agony, turning three shades of red.

“C’mon,” the boy said impatiently, “One is licking the Popsicle, one is biting and one is sucking. Which one is married?

“well,” she gulped and in a barely audible whisper replied, “the one who’s sucking?”

“No,” he says with surprise, “the one with the wedding ring on. But I like the way you think!”

This is a great example of “did I say that out loud???” Supposedly, this actually happened at Harvard University. In a biology class, the professor was discussing the high glucose levels found in semen. A female freshman raised her hand and asked,

“If I understand, you’re saying there is a lot of glucose, as in sugar, in semen?”

“That’s correct,” responded the professor, going on to add statistical info.

Raising her hand again, the student asked, “Then why doesn’t it taste sweet?”

After a stunned silence, the whole class burst out laughing. The poor girl’s face turned bright red, and as she realized exactly what she had inadvertently said (or rather implied), she picked up her books without a word and walked out of class, never to return.

However, as she was going out the door, the professor’s reply was classic. Totally straight-faced he answered her question.

“It doesn’t taste sweet because the taste buds for sweetness are on the tip of your tongue and not the back of your throat. Have a good day.”

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

1. religion
2. royalty
3. sex
4. mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

“My God,” said the Queen. “I’m pregnant. I wonder who did it?

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnny, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude. But eventually his turn came. Little Johnny walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down. Well the teacher couldn’t figure out what Johnny had in mind for his report on something exciting, so she asked him just what that was.

“It’s a period” reported Johnny.

“Well I can see that” she said, “but what is so exciting about a period?”

“Damned if I know” said Johnny, “but this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself.”

A new young monk arrives at the monastery.

He is assigned to help the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.

He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.

So, the new monk goes to the head abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up.

In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies. So, he goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscript is held in a locked vault that hasn’t been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the old abbot.

So, the young monk gets worried and goes downstairs to look for him.

He sees him banging his head against the wall.

His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably.

The young monk asks the old abbot, “What’s wrong, father?”

With a choking voice, the old abbot replies, “The word is celebrate.”

An old nun who was living in a convent next to a Brooklyn construction site noticed the coarse language of the workers and decided to spend some time with them to correct their ways. She decided she would take her lunch sit with the workers and talk with them. She put her sandwich in a brown bag and walked over to the spot where the men were eating.

She walked up to the group and with a big smile said, “Do you men know Jesus Christ?”

They shook their heads and looked at each other. One of the workers looked up into the steelwork above and yelled, “Anybody up there know Jesus Christ?”

One of the steelworkers called down, “Why?”

The worker yelled up, “I think his wife is here with his lunch.”

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher, I sure am.”

The minister then dunks the fellow under the water and pulls him right back up. “Have you found Jesus?” the preacher asked. “Nooo, I didn’t!” said the drunk. The preacher then dunks him under for quite a bit longer, brings him up and says, “Now, brother, have you found Jesus?” “Noooo, I did not Reverend.”

The preacher in disgust holds the man under for at least 30 seconds this time, brings him out of the water and says in a harsh tone, “My God, man, have you found Jesus yet?” The old drunk wipes his eyes and says to the preacher, “Are you sure this is where he fell in?”

The wise old Mother Superior from county Tipperary was dying. The nuns gathered around her bed trying to make her comfortable. They gave her some warm milk to drink, but she refused it. Then one nun took the glass back to the kitchen. Remembering a bottle of Irish whiskey received as a gift the previous Christmas she opened it and poured a generous amount into the warm milk.

Back at Mother Superior’s bed, she held the glass to her lips. Mother drank a little, then a little more. Before they knew it, she drank the whole glass down to the last drop.

“Mother,” the nuns asked with earnest, “Please give us some wisdom before you die.”

Barely audible and with a serene look on her face she said, “Don’t sell that cow.”

The Lord came to Noah in Canada in the year 2003. Earth Was wicked and over-populated. The Lord instructed Noah to rebuild the Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.

“Here’s the blueprint”, said the Lord. “Hurry – in six months I start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.”

Six months later the rain came down. The Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his flooded yard – and no Ark. “Noah”, He roared, “Where’s my Ark?”

“Forgive me, Lord,” begged Noah. “Things have changed. I needed a building permit. I’ve been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system. My neighbors claim that I have violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and the height limitation being exceeded. We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.” Then Transport Canada and the Department of Highways and Hydro wanted a bond posted for the future costs of moving power, trolley and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark’s move to the sea. I argued the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of this. Getting the wood was another problem. There’s a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl. I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls. No go! I gathered the animals. But then I got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. As well, they argued the accommodation was too restrictive and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in so confined a space. Environment Canada decided that I could not build the Ark without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. I’m still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I’m supposed to hire for my building crew. The trades union wants me to hire only Union tradespeople with Ark building experience. To make matters worse, Canada Customs and Revenue Agency seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to leave the country illegally as well as with endangered species. So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least ten years to finish this Ark.

Suddenly the skies cleared and the sun began to shine. A rainbow stretched across the sky. Noah looked up in wonder.

“You mean you’re not going to destroy the world?” he asked.

“No”, said the Lord. “Your Government already has.”

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:

1. He called everyone “brother”
2. He liked Gospel
3. He couldn’t get a fair trial

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus wasJewish:

1. He went into His Fathers business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was god

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:

1. He talked with his hands
2. He had wine with every meal
3. He used olive oil

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:

1. He never cut his hair
2. He walked around barefoot all the time
3. He started a new religion

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:

1. He never got married
2. He was always telling stories
3. He loved green pastures

But the most compelling evidence of all – 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:

1. He had to feed a crowd at a moment’s notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn’t get it
3. Even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work for Him to do

The Pope, Billy Graham and Oral Roberts were in a three-way plane crash over the Atlantic Ocean. Tragically, they all died and went to the Pearly Gates together.

“Oh, this is terrible,” exclaimed St. Peter. “I know you guys think we summoned you here, but we weren’t expecting you, and your quarters just aren’t ready. We can’t take you in just yet and we can’t send you back.” Then he got an idea. He picked up the phone. “Lucifer, this is Pete. Hey, I got these three guys up here. They’re ours, but we weren’t expecting them, and we gotta fix a place up for ‘em. I was hoping you could put them up for a while. It’ll only be a couple of days. I’ll owe you one.”

Reluctantly, the Devil agreed.

Two days later, St. Peter’s phone rang: “Pete, this is Lucifer. Hey, you gotta come get these three clowns. This Pope fellow is forgiving everybody, the Graham guy is saving everybody, and that Oral Roberts has raised enough money to buy air conditioning!”

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.”

“When did you use this awful language?” asks the elder.

“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.”

“Is that when you swore?”

“No, Mother,” says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the Mother Superior again.

“Well, no.” says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!”

“Is THAT when you swore?” asks the amazed elder nun.

“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.”

“Did you swear THEN?” asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.”

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and said, “YOU MISSED THE F***ing PUTT, DIDN’T YOU?”

It was time for Father John’s Saturday night bath and young Sister Magdalene Edwards had prepared the bath water and towels just the way the old nun had instructed. Sister Magdalene Edwards was also instructed not to look at Fr. John’s nakedness if she could help it, do whatever he told her to do, and pray.

The next morning the old nun asked Sister Magdalene how the Saturday night bath had gone.

“Oh, sister,” said the young nun dreamily. “I’ve been saved.”

“Saved? And how did that fine thing come about?” asked the old nun.

“Well, when Father John was soaking in the tub, he asked me to wash him, and while I was washing him he guided my hand down between his legs where he said the Lord keeps the Key to Heaven.”

“Did he now?” said the old nun evenly.

Sister Magdalene continued, “And he said that if the Key to Heaven fit my lock, the portals of Heaven would be opened to me and I would be assured of salvation and eternal peace. And then Father John guided his Key to Heaven into my lock.”

“Is that a fact?” said the old nun even more evenly.

“At first it hurt terribly, but Father John said the pathway to salvation was often painful and that the glory of God would soon swell my heart with ecstasy. And it did, it felt so good being saved.”

“That wicked old Devil!” said the old nun. “He told me it was Gabriel’s Horn, and I’ve been blowing it for 40 years.”

A young hotshot gets a job with the IRS. His first assignment is to audit an old rabbi.

He thinks he’ll have a little fun with the old rabbi, so he says, “Rabbi, what do you do with the drippings from the candles?”

The rabbi says, “We send them to the candle factory, and every once in a while they send us a free candle.”

The kid says, “And what do you do with the crumbs from your table?”

The rabbi says, “We send them to the matzo ball factory, and every once in a while they send us a free box of matzo balls.”

The kid says, “And what do you do with the foreskins from your circumcisions?”

The rabbi says, “We send them to the IRS, and every once in a while they send us a little prick like you.”

The priest in a small Irish village was very fond of the chickens he kept in the hen house out the back of the parish manse. He had a cock rooster and about ten hens.

One Saturday night the cock rooster went missing and as that was the time he suspected cock fights occurred in the village he decided to do something about it at church the next morning.

At Mass, he asked the congregation “Has anybody got a cock?” – all the men stood up.

“No No” he said “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock?” – all the women stood up.

“No No” he said “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen a cock that doesn’t belong to them.” – half the women stood up.

“No No” he said “That wasn’t what I meant. Has anybody seen my cock?” all the nuns and altar boys stood up.