A lot of visitors are being referred here from StumbleUpon – the original links you are clicking on are redirected here as I am in the process of changing the site – to find the jokes you were trying to get to use the search bar above or the categories off to the side.
A pharmacist arrives at the drugstore and finds a nervous-looking fellow bracing himself against the wall.
“What’s with that guy over there by the wall?” the pharmacist asks the checkout clerk.
“Oh. He came in this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn’t find the cough syrup, so I gave him a bottle of laxative to drink.
“What!” the pharmacist exclaims. “You can’t treat a cough with a bottle of laxative!”
“Of course you can! Look at him. He’s terrified to cough!”
It’s not difficult to make a woman happy. A man only needs to be:
1. A friend
2. A companion
3. A lover
4. A brother
5. A father
6. A master
7. A chef
8. An electrician
9. A carpenter
10. A plumber
11. A mechanic
12. A decorator
13. A stylist
14. A sexologist
15. A gynecologist
16. A psychologist
17. A pest exterminator
18. A psychiatrist
19. A healer
20. A good listener
21. An organizer
22. A good father
23. Very clean
WITHOUT FORGETTING TO:
45. Give her compliments regularly
46. Love shopping
47. Be honest
48. Be very rich
49. Not stress her out
50. Not look at other girls
AND AT THE SAME TIME, YOU MUST ALSO:
51.Give her lots of attention, but expect little yourself
52. Give her lots of time, especially time for herself
53. Give her lots of space, never worrying about where she goes
IT IS VERY IMPORTANT:
54. Never to forget:
* arrangements she makes
HOW TO MAKE A MAN HAPPY
1. Leave him alone.
Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, “Fried chicken.” She said I wasn’t funny – but she couldn’t have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.
I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too. Especially chicken. Pork and beef too. Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal’s office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.
The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite ‘live’ animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken. She sent me back to the principal’s office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.
I don’t understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn’t like it when I am.
Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, “Colonel Sanders.” Guess where I am now…
An Arab Sheik was admitted to St Vincent â€™s Hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery,the doctors needed to store his blood in case the need arises. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn’t be found locally, so, the call went out to all the states.
Finally a Scot was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab.
After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scot, as appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, diamonds & US dollars.
A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. His doctor telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate his blood again.
After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card & a jar of candies.
The Scot was shocked that the Arab this time did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated.
He phoned the Arab & asked him: “I thought you would be generous again,that you would give me a BMW, diamonds & money… but you only gave me a thank-you card & a jar of candies”.
To this the Arab replied: “Aye, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins”.
Proof that you can’t underestimate the creativeness of Canadian boys for mischief.
At a high school in Saskatchewan, a group of students played a prank….they let three goats loose inside the school. But before turning them loose, they painted numbers on the sides of the goats: 1, 2, and 4. School Administrators spent most of the day looking for No. 3.
Everyone seems to be in such a hurry to scream ‘racism’ these days.
A customer asked, “In what aisle could I find the Newfy sausage?”
The shop assistant asks, “Are you from Newfoundland?”
The guy, clearly offended, says, “Yes I am. But let me ask you something, if I had asked for Italian sausage, would you ask me if I was Italian?
Or if I had asked for German Bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Or if I had asked for a Taco, would you ask if I was Mexican? Or if I asked for Polish sausage, would you ask if I was Polish?”
The shop assistant says, “No, I probably wouldn’t.”
The guy says, “Well then, because I asked for Newfy sausage, why did you ask me if I’m from Newfoundland?”
The clerk replied, “Because you’re in Home Hardware.”
A gas station owner in Texas was trying to increase his sales. So he put up a sign that read, “Free Sex with Fill-Up.” Soon a local redneck pulled in, filled his tank and asked for his free sex.
The owner told him to pick a number from 1 to 10. If he guessed correctly he would get his free sex. The redneck guessed 8, and the proprietor said, “You were close. The number was 7. Sorry. No sex this time.”
A week later, the same redneck, along with his brother, Bubba, pulled in for another fill-up. Again he asked for his free sex. The proprietor again gave him the same story, and asked him to guess the correct number. The redneck guessed 2 this time.
The proprietor said, “Sorry, it was 3. You were close, but no free sex this time.”
As they were driving away, the redneck said to his brother, “I think that game is rigged, and he doesn’t really give away free sex.”
Bubba replied, “No it ain’t, Billy Ray. It ain’t rigged. My wife won twice last week.”
At a dinner party thrown in jean chretien’s (for our American friends, he was our former Prime Minister) honour. A man turned to Madame Chretien and said, ” your husband has been such a busy prominent public figure with such a hectic schedule, retirement will seem very quiet in comparison. madame chretien , what are you most looking forward to in these retirement years ?”
“A penis”, replied Madame Chretien.
A hush fell over the table. Everyone heard her answer yet no one knew what to say next.
Jean leaned over to his wife and said, “Aline, in hinglish dey pronounce dat word, appiness.”
Why Italian fathers and grandfathers pass their handguns down through the family.
An old Italian man is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside, “Guido, I wan’ you lissina me. I wan’ you to take-a my chrome plated .38 revolver so you will always remember me.”
“But Grandpa, I really don’t like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex watch instead?”
“You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos. ”
“Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with another man. “Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, “times up’?
An Italian grandmother is giving directions to her grown grandson who is coming to visit with his wife.
“You comma to de front door of the apartmenta. I am inna apartmenta 301 There issa bigga panel at the front door. With you elbow , pusha button 301.
I will buzza you in. Come inside, the elevator is on the right. Get in, and with you elbow , pusha 3. When you get out, I’mma on the left. With you elbow, hit my doorbell.”
“Grandma, that sounds easy, but, why am I hitting all these buttons with my elbow? ”
“What . . . .. .. you coming empty-handed?”
A little boy in Newfoundland , wanted $100.00 for something very special. He prayed for weeks, but nothing happened . Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God , Canada , they decided to send it to the Prime Minister.
The Prime Minister was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $ 5.00 bill. The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy in Newfoundland.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read:
Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, and those assholes took $95.00 in taxes.
- Schizophrenia — Do You Hear What I Hear?
- Multiple Personality Disorder — We Three Queens Disoriented Are
- Dementia — I Think I’ll be Home for Christmas
- Narcissistic — Hark the Herald Angles Sing About Me
- Manic — Deck the Halls and Walls and House and Lawn and Streets and Stores and Office and Town and Cars and Busses and Trucks and trees and Fire Hydrants and……
- Paranoid — Santa Claus is Coming to Get me
- Borderline Personality Disorder — Thoughts of Roasting on an Open Fire
- Personality Disorder — You Better Watch Out, I’m Gonna Cry, I’m Gonna Pout, Maybe I’ll tell You Why
- Obsessive Compulsive Disorder —Jingle Bells, jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells, Jingle Bells…
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland .
It was absolutely wonderful, it produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows, so they’d never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull, and he was never able to do the deed.
The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice.”Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side.”
The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking,
“Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?”
The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland ..
“You are truly a wise Vet,” they said. “How did you know we got the cow from Scotland ?
The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye: “My wife is from Scotland “
You don’t have to own a cat to appreciate this. BUT !!
We were dressed and ready to go out for the New Year’s Eve Party. We turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on, covered our pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. We phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi.
The taxi arrived and we opened the front door to leave the house. As we walked out the door, the cat we had put out in the yard, scoots back into the house. We didn’t want the cat shut in the house because she always tries to eat the bird. My wife goes on out to the taxi, while I went back inside to get the cat..
The cat runs upstairs, with me in hot pursuit. Waiting in the cab, my wife doesn’t want the driver to know that the house will be empty for the night. So, she explains to the taxi driver that I will be out soon, “He’s just going upstairs to say goodbye to my mother.”
A few minutes later, I get into the cab. “Sorry I took so long”, I said, as we drove away. “That stupid bitch was hiding under the bed. I had to poke her arse with a coat hanger to get her to come out! She tried to take off, so I grabbed her by the neck. Then, I had to wrap her in a blanket to keep her from scratching me. But it worked! I hauled her fat ass downstairs and threw her out into the back yard! She’d better not shit in the vegetable garden again!”
The silence in the cab was deafening.
A modern Orthodox Jewish couple, preparing for a religious wedding meets with their rabbi for counselling…
The rabbi asks if they have any last questions before they leave.
The man asks, “Rabbi, we realize it’s tradition for men to dance with men, and women to dance with women at the reception.
But, we’d like your permission to dance together, like the rest of the world.”
“Absolutely not,” says the rabbi. “It’s immodest. Men and women always dance separately.”
“So after the ceremony I can’t even dance with my own wife?”
“No,” answered the rabbi. “It’s forbidden.”
“Well, okay,” says the man, “What about sex, can we finally have sex?”
“Of course!” replies the rabbi. “Sex is a mitzvah a good thing within marriage, to have children!”
“What about different positions?” asks the man
“No problem,” says the rabbi “It’s a mitzvah!”
“Woman on top?” the man asks.
“Sure,” says the rabbi. “Go for it! It’s a mitzvah!”
“Sure! Another mitzvah!”
“On the kitchen table?”
“Yes, yes! A mitzvah!”
“Can we do it on rubber sheets with a bottle of hot oil, a couple of vibrators, a leather harness, a bucket of honey and a porno video?”
“You may indeed. It’s all a mitzvah!”
“Can we do it standing up?”
“Absolutely Not!” says the rabbi.”
“Why not?” asks the man.
“Could lead to dancing!
- Buy a pair of size 14-16 work boots.
- Put them on the front porch with a copy of Guns & Ammo.
- Put some giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazine.
- Leave a note on the door: “Bubba: Me & Bertha went for more ammo and beer. Back soon. Don’t mess with the pit bulls; they messed the mailman up bad this morning. I don’t think Killer took part; hard to tell from all the blood. I locked all four of ‘em in the house. Better wait outside. Be right back
The wife and I were sitting around the breakfast table one lazy Sunday morning.
I said to her, “If I were to die suddenly, I want you to immediately sell all my stuff.”
“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.
“I figure that you would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff..”
She looked at me and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another asshole?”
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner.
However, since the politician was delayed, the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:
I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs and gave VD to his girlfriend. I was appalled. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.
Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:
I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived, said the politician. In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.
Moral: Never, Never, Ever Be Late!
Snakes also known as Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis) can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here’s why.
A couple in Sweetwater , Texas , had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.
It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.
She let out a very loud scream.
The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.
He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.
His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.
The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.
About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That’s when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.
The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.
But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted, the snake rushed back under the sofa.
The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.
The neighbor’s wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband’s mouth on the woman’s mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.
The noise woke the woman from her dead faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man’s throat.
By now, the police had arrived.
They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!
The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbor and his sobbing wife.
Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.
The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.
Meanwhile, neighbors saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).
Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.
A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.
And that’s when he shot her.
- I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
- Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
- I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
- There is great need for a sarcasm font.
- How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
- Was learning cursive really necessary?
- Map Quest really needs to start their directions on # 5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
- Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
- I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.
- Bad decisions make good stories.
- You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you know that you just aren’t going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.
- Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after Blue Ray? I don’t want to have to restart my collection…again.
- I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten-page technical report that I swear I did not make any changes to.
- I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
- I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
- I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with BUD Lite than Kay.
- I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
- I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
- How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear or understand a word they said?
- I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!
- Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
- Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
- Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, finding their cell phone, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet everyone can find and push the nooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time, every time.
- The first testicular guard, the “Cup,” was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the ‘Chicken Surprise’, The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot.
Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly And she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the lid slams back down. ‘Good grief, did you see that?’ she asks her husband. He hadn’t, so she asks him to look in the pot. He reaches for it and again the lid rises, and he sees two little eyes looking around before it slams down..rather perturbed, he calls the waiter over, explains what is happening, and demands an explanation.
‘Please sir,’ says the waiter, ‘what you order?’
The husband replies, ‘Chicken Surprise.’
(You’re going to love this………….You’re going to hate yourself for loving this!…………..)