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A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
(more…)
- Men are like ..Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you.
- Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
- Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
- Men are like ….Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
- Men are like ….Chocolate Bars …. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
- Men are like …Commercials ….. You can’t believe a word they say.
- Men are like Department Stores …. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
- Men are like ……Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.
- Men are like …..Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
- Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
- Men are like Snowstorms …. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
- Men are like ……..Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright
- Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.
Technorati Tags: Men are like, humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, one liners
Three men were drinking at a bar — a doctor, an attorney and a biker.
As the doctor was drinking his white wine he said, “For her birthday, I’m going to buy my wife a fur coat and a diamond ring. This way, if she doesn’t like the fur coat she will still love me because she got a diamond ring.”
As the attorney was drinking his martini he said, “For my wife’s birthday, I’m going to buy her a designer dress and a gold bracelet. This way, if she doesn’t like the dress she will still love me because she got the gold bracelet.”
As the biker was drinking his shots of whiskey he said, “I’m going to buy my wife a T-shirt and a vibrator. This way, if she doesn’t like the T-shirt she can go fuck herself!”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, biker, attorney, doctor
In 1993, the University of Kentucky did a study to see why the head of a man’s penis was larger than the shaft.
After one year and $ 80,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.
After the study was published, the University of South Carolina decided to do their own study.
After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.
The University of Georgia, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man’s hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, sex
The Beer Prayer
Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and
the lager.
Barmen
Technorati Tags: The Beer Prayer, humour, humor, comedy, fun, jokes,
It had taken him several months, but the executive vice president had finally persuaded his new secretary to bend over the back of his leather couch and allow him to have sex with her that way.
“And just where have you been until this hour?” demanded his wife, when the wayward husband finally arrived home.
“Down at the office,” he replied, “working like a dog.”
Technorati Tags: sex, humour, humor, comedy, fun, jokes, working like a dog
A man’s in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’
She replies: ‘Because sometimes I really miss mine’.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, Thai, sex
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore. Under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you’re in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “I remember these!”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, elderly, jokes, comedy
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked,
“What is a seven-hundred-ten?”
She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.”
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked
“is there a 710 on this car?”
She pointed and said, “Of course, it s right there.”
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says ‘Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.’
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, ‘Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!’
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says ‘Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!’
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says…
From my good friend Stu
Once upon a time there was a salesmen’s conference being held in New York , coincidentally on St. Patrick’s day so that the attendees could attend the celebrations there ‘for free’. There were three Italians attending who were not acquainted with the disgusting American-Irish practice of putting green colouring in their
gnat’s piss“beer” on that day. One of the salesmen was from St.Peter’s Square (Rome), one from Naples and one from that place half underwater (Venice). They went into an Irish Pub.The barman - an ex-porter who claimed to be (or not to be) a shakespearian actor “between engagements” - was thus asked by these 3 salesmen if he had any REAL irish beers (stouts). He said he had a choice of Guinness, Mackeson’s or Murphy’s stouts. The bible salesman from Rome asked him what was the difference, so the actor/barman explained : “They are all dark stouts but the Guinness is bitter and has a fine creamy head, albeit spoiled by the addition of green colouring today.” The mafiosi from Naples then asked “And the Mackeson?” Turning to the spaghetti salesman from Naples, he explained “The Mackeson’s is sweeter, a hint of caramel, with a larger head with larger bubbles in the foam, spoiled today by the green colouring too.” The third salesman asked “And the other one, is it spoiled by green colouring too?” Striking a Shakespearian pose, the porter/actor/barman turned to the Merchant of Venice
and declaimed “The quality of Murphy’s is not stained…”
A male patient is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing oxygen mask over his mouth and nose.
A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath.
‘Nurse’, he mumbles, from behind the mask. ‘Are my testicles black?’
Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, ‘I don’t know, Sir, I’m only here to wash your upper body and feet.’
He struggles to ask again, ‘Nurse, please check. Are my testicles black?’
Concerned that he may elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one hand and his testicles in the other. Then, she takes a close look and says, ‘There’s nothing wrong with them, Sir!’
The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, ‘Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely……
(more…)
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A very shy guy goes into a bar and sees a beautiful woman sitting at the bar. After an hour of gathering up his courage, he finally goes over to her and asks, tentatively, “Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?”
She responds by yelling, at the top of her lungs, “NO! I won’t sleep with you tonight!” Everyone in the bar is now staring at them. Naturally, the guy is hopelessly and completely embarrassed and he slinks back to his table.
After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologizes. She smiles at him and says, “I’m sorry if I embarrassed you. You see, I’m a graduate student in psychology, and I’m studying how people respond to embarrassing situations.”
To which he responds, at the top of his lungs, “What do you mean $200?!”
Technorati Tags: shy guy, bar, graduate student, psychology, funny, humour, humor, jokes, comedy
Bar"> Bar"> Bar"> Bar"> Bar"> Bar"> One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?’
Technorati Tags: cup of tea, humor, humour, jokes, funny, comedy, children
Technorati Tags: How To Identify a Persian Cat, persian, cats, humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, suicide bomber
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in a US school district
Spellings have been left intact.
- My son is under a doctor’s care and should not take PE today. Please execute him.
- Please exkuce lisa for being absent she was sick and i had her shot.
- Dear school: please ecsc’s john being absent on jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.
- Please excuse gloria from jim today. She is administrating.
- Please excuse roland from p.e. for a few days. Yesterday he fell out of a tree and misplaced his hip.
- John has been absent because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
- Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He was hurt in the growing part.
- Megan could not come to school today because she has been bothered by very close veins.
- Chris will not be in school cus he has an acre in his side.
- Please excuse ray Friday from school. He has very loose vowels.
- Please excuse Lesli from being absent yesterday. She had diahredyrea direathe the shits.
- Please excuse tommy for being absent yesterday. He had diarrhea, and his boots leak.
- Richard was absent yesterday because he missed his bust.
- Please excuse jimmy for being. It was his father’s fault.
- I kept Billie home because she had to go Christmas shopping because i don’t know what size she wear.
- Please excuse jennifer for missing school yesterday. We forgot to get the Sunday paper off the porch, and when we found it Monday. We thought it was Sunday.
- Sally won’t be in school a week from Friday. We have to attend her funeral.
- My daughter was absent yesterday because she was tired. She spent a weekend with the marines.
- Please excuse Jason for being absent yesterday. He had a cold and could not breed well.
- Please excuse mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.
- Gloria was absent yesterday as she was having a gangover.
- Please excuse brenda. She has been sick and under the doctor.
- Maryann was absent December 11-16, because she had a fever, sorethroat, headache and upset stomach. Her sister was also sick, fever an sore throat, her brother had a low grade fever and ached all over. I wasn’t the best either, sore throat and fever. There must be something going around, her father even got hot last night.
Click here for a readable image
- How long did the Hundred Years’ War last?
- Which country makes Panama hats?
- From which animal do we get catgut?
- In which month do Russians celebrate the October Revolution?
- What is a camel’s hair brush made of?
- The Canary Islands in the Pacific are named after what animal?
- What was King George VI’s first name?
- What color is a purple finch?
- Where are Chinese Gooseberries from?
- What is the color of the black box in a commercial airplane?
All done? You need 4 correct answers to pass! Answers after the break
- You must first learn to pronounce the city name, it is: ‘CAL-GREE’ and ED-MIN-TIN’.
- The morning rush hour is from 5:00 am to noon. The evening rush hour is from noon to 8:00 pm. Friday’s rush hour starts on Thursday morning.
- The minimum acceptable speed on most freeways is 130 kph. On Deerfoot & Whitemud, you are expected to match the speed of the airplanes coming in for a landing at the airport. Anything less is considered ‘Wussy’.
- Forget the traffic rules you learned elsewhere. We now have our own version of traffic rules. For example, cars/trucks with the loudest muffler go first at a four-way stop; the trucks with the biggest tires go second. However, in the Hamptons, SUV-driving, cell phone-talking moms ALWAYS have the right of way.
- If you actually stop at a yellow light, you will be rear ended, cussed out, and possibly shot.
- Never honk at anyone. Ever. Seriously. It’s another offense that can get you shot.
- Road construction is permanent and continuous. Detour barrels are moved around during the middle of the night to make the next day’s driving a bit more exciting, but nothing ever gets finished, and more construction starts everyday.
- Watch carefully for road hazards such as drunks, skunks, dogs, cats, deer, barrels, cones, cows, horses, cats, mattresses, shredded tires, garbage,
squirrels, rabbits, crows, and coyotes feeding on any of these items. - Deerfoot, QEII, Hwy 2, Calgary Trail, and Gateway Blvd are the same road.
- If someone actually has their turn signal on, wave them to the shoulder immediately to let them know it has been ‘accidentally activated.
- If you are in the left lane and only driving 110 in a 80-90 kph zone, you are considered a road hazard and will be ‘flipped off’ accordingly. If you return the flip, you’ll be shot
- For winter driving, it is advisable to wear your parka, toque, fur lined mittens and mukluks. Make sure you have a shovel, food, candle and blankets in the vehicle, as snow removal from the city streets is virtually non-existent until the spring thaw
Technorati Tags: humor, humour, jokes, comedy, funny, Alberta, Calgary, Edmonton, driving
- Bring your own house.
- If going to the Oil Sands, bring your own house, school and hospital.
- If going to Edmonton, wear your flak jacket. This is the murder capital of Canada.
- If driving to Edmonton, it is also the auto theft centre of Canada.
- If you are bringing drugs, head to Fort McMurray, the drug capital of Canada.
- If you are looking for work, look no further. Minimum wage is $15.60/hour.
- If you work downtown, parking costs $ 23 .00/hour.
- If you are able to buy a house in Edmonton, or Calgary, why not spend the money on a 15 year holiday.
- If you drive a Hummer, look out. We have the highest gas prices in Canada. The Alberta Advantage. This is where all the oil is as well, go figure.
- In Edmonton we have 5 hospitals. 10 years ago we had 7. Don’t come here sick.
- In Calgary the population has exploded. The last road was paved 12
years ago. Calgary is a no parking zone.
Technorati Tags: Oil Sands, Edmonton, Canada, Calgary, humor, humour, jokes, comedy, funny
Two Newfies are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says ‘Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?’
The second hunter says ‘I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.’
The first hunter says ‘There’s this old transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see’.
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, and go in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. ‘Say there’, says the farmer, ‘you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?’
The first hunter says ‘Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!’
And the old farmer said ‘Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!