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After her fifth child, Lucy decided that she should have some cosmetic surgery “down below” to restore herself to her former youthful glory, and because the bomb doors were dangling a bit too low and looked like a ripped out fireplace.
Time, gravity and child birth had taken their toll and she reckoned that with five children under her belt she’d tidy things up with a nip here and a tuck there so it looked more like a piggy-bank slot rather than a badly packed kebab.
Following the operation she awoke from her anaesthetic to find three roses at the end of the bed.
“Who are these from?” she asked the nurse. “They’re very nice but I’m a bit confused as to why I have received them”.
“Well,” said the nurse, “the first is from the surgeon – the operation went so well and you were such a model patient – that he wanted to show his thanks”.
“Awww, that’s really nice” said Lucy.
“The second is from your husband. He’s delighted the operation was such a success that he can’t wait to get you home. Apparently it’ll be the first time he’s touched the sides for years and he’s very excited!”
“Brilliant” said Lucy. “And the third”?
“That’s from Eric, a patient in the burns unit” said the nurse.”He just wanted to say thanks for his new ears.”
The buzzword in today’s business world is MARKETING.However, people often ask for a simple explanation of “Marketing.” Well, here it is:
A train hits a bus load of catholic school girls and they all perish. In heaven they try to enter the pearly gates past Saint Peter.
Saint Peter asks the first girl in line ” Tiffany, have you ever had contact with the male penis?”
She giggles and shyly replies, “once I touched the head of one with the tip of my finger.”
Saint Peter says,”OK, dip the tip of your finger in the holy water and pass through the gates.”
Saint Peter asks the next girl the same question, “Jennifer,have you ever had any contact with the male penis?”.
She’s a little reluctant but replies, “Well, once I fondled and stroked one.”
Saint Peter says, “OK, dip your whole hand in the water and pass through the gates.”
All of the sudden, there is a lot of commotion in the line of girls and one is pushing her way to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line Saint Peter says, “Lisa, what seems to be the rush?”.
Lisa replies,”If I’m going to have to gargle the holy water, I want to do it before Jessica sticks her ass in it.”
A woman was having a passionate affair with an inspector from a pest-control company.
One afternoon they were carrying on in the bedroom together when her husband arrived home unexpectedly.
“Quick,” said the woman to her lover, “into the closet!”, and she pushed him in the closet stark naked.
The husband, however, became suspicious and after a search of the bedroom discovered the man in the closet.
“Who are you?” he asked him.
“I’m an inspector from Bugs-B-Gone,” said the exterminator.
“What are you doing in there?” the husband asked.
“I’m investigating a complaint about an infestation of moths,” the man replied.
“And where are your clothes?” asked the husband.
The man looked down at himself and said, “Those little bastards.”
Every 14th of February you get the chance to display your fondness for your wife or girlfriend by showering her with gifts, flowers, dinner, shows and any other baubles that women find romantic. Secret…guys feel left out. That’s right…left out. There’s no special holiday for the ladies to show their appreciation for the men in their life. Men as a whole are either too proud or just too embarrassed to admit it. Which is why a new holiday has been created. March 15th is now officially “Steak & Blowjob Day.” Simple, effective and self-explanatory…this holiday has been created so your ladies can have a day to show your man just how much you love him. No cards, no flowers, no special nights on the town-the name of the holiday explains it all…just a steak and a BJ. That’s it. This twin pairing of Valentine’s Day and Steak & Blowjob Day will usher in a new age of love as men everywhere will try THAT much harder in February to ensure a more memorable March! It’s like a perpetual love machine. The word is already spreading, but as with any new idea, it needs a little push to start the ball rolling. So spread the word, and help bring love and peace to this crazy world
A wife and her husband were having a dinner party for some important guests. The wife was very excited about this and wanted everything to be perfect. At the very last minute, she realized that she didn’t have any snails for the dinner party, so she asked her husband to run down to the beach with the bucket to gather some snails.
Very grudgingly he agreed. He took the bucket, walked out the door, down the steps, and out to the beach.
As he was collecting the snails, he noticed a beautiful woman strolling alongside the water just a little further down the beach. He kept thinking to himself, “Wouldn’t it be great if she would just come down and talk to me?” He went back to gathering the snails.
All of a sudden he looked up, and the beautiful woman was standing right next to him. They started talking and she invited him back to her place. They ended up spending the night together.
At seven o’clock the next morning he woke up and exclaimed, “Oh no!!! My wife’s dinner party!!!” He gathered all his clothes, put them on real fast, grabbed his bucket, and ran out the door. He ran down the beach all the way to his apartment. He ran up the stairs of his apartment. He was in such a hurry that when he got to the top of the stairs, he dropped the bucket of snails.
There were snails all down the stairs. The door opened just then, with a very angry wife standing in the doorway wondering where he’s been all this time. He looked at the snails all down the steps, then he looked at her, then back at the snails and said……
“Come on guys, we’re almost there!”
A lady called her gynecologist, and asked for an “emergency” appointment.
The receptionist said to come right in. She rushed to the office and was ushered right into an examination room. The doctor came into the exam room and asked about her problem. She was very shy about her emergency problem and asked the gynecologist to please examine her. So the doctor started to examine her. He held up his head after completing his examination. “I’m sorry, Miss,” he said, “but removing that vibrator is going to involve a very lengthy, delicate and expensive surgical procedure.”
“I’m not sure I can afford it,” sighed the young woman, “but while I am here, do you think you could replace the batteries?”
A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down. A lady cashier walked up to him and said,”Your barracks door is open.” This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled.
When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, “Your fly is open.” He zipped up and finished his shopping. He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his “barracks door. He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, “When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?”
The lady (being smarter than a man) thought for a moment and said, “No, no I didn’t. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags.
Morris came home and found his wife Sadie crying.
She said, “I found out from Mrs. Goldberg that you’re having an affair with your secretary. Why would you do that to me? I’ve always been a good wife. I’ve cooked for you, raised your children, and have always been by your side for 35 years. What haven’t I done to make you happy?”
Morris replied, “It’s true, Sadie, you’ve been the best wife a man could hope for. You make me happy in all ways but one. You never moan when we have sex.”
Sadie said, “If I moaned when we have sex, would you stop running around? All right, come to the bedroom so I can show you that I can moan during sex.”
They went to the bedroom, got undressed, and jumped into bed. As they started kissing, Sadie said,
“Now, Morris? Should I moan now?”
He said, “No, not yet.”
He started to fondle her and she said, “What about now? Should I moan now?”
He said, “No, I’ll tell you when.”
He climbed on top of her and started to move on.
She said, “Is it time for me to moan now, Morris?”
He said, “Wait, wait, I’ll tell you when.” A few minutes later, just seconds before he was going to finish, he said
“Now, Sadie. Moan. Moan!”
She said, “Oy, you wouldn’t believe what a day I had ..
My husband came home with a tube of K Y jelly and said,
” This will make you happy tonight.”
He was right. When he went out of the bedroom, I squirted it all over the doorknobs. He couldn’t get back in.
A husband and his wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th wedding anniversary.
The husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads: ‘Here Lies My Wife – Cold As Ever’.”
“Yeah,” she replies, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone reads: ‘Here Lies My Husband – Stiff At Last.’”
A man was in a terrible accident, and his “manhood” was mangled and torn from his body. His doctor assured him that modern medicine could give him back his manhood, but that his insurance wouldn’t cover the surgery, since it was considered cosmetic. The doctor said the cost would be $3,500 for “small, $6,500 for “medium, $14,000 for “large.” The man was sure he would want a medium or large, but the doctor urged him to talk it over with his wife before he made any decision.
The man called his wife on the phone and explained their options. The doctor came back into the room, and found the man looking dejected.
“Well, what have the two of you decided?” asked the doctor.
The man answered, “She’d rather remodel the kitchen”.
Tired of a listless sex life, the man came right out and asked his wife during a recent lovemaking session, “How come you never tell me when you have an orgasm?”
She glanced at him casually and replied, “You’re never home!”
A wife went in to see a therapist and said, “I’ve got a big problem, doctor. Every time we’re in bed and my husband climaxes, he lets out this ear splitting yell.”
“My dear,” the shrink said, “that’s completely natural. I don’t see what the problem is.”
“The problem is,” she complained, “It wakes me up!”
Two men were talking.
“So, how’s your sex life?”
“Oh, nothing special. I’m having Social Security sex.”
“Social Security sex?”
“Yeah, you know… I get a little each month, but not enough to live on!” >
One day a young cowboy and cowgirl decided to get married. He was a man of the world. She was an innocent bride with no experience. After the wedding they left for their honeymoon. While driving down the road, the new bride sees two cows having sex.
The new bride asks, “What are them cows up to honey?”
The husband, a bit flustered, answers, “Why can’t you see? Them cows, they’re roping!”
She replies, “Oh, I see!”
After a few more hours of driving they pass two horses having sex. Again the bride asks, “What are them horses doing honey?”
The husband answers again, “Them horses, they’re roping!”
She replies,”Oh, I see!”
Finally they arrive at their hotel. The couple washed up and started to get ready for bed. When they got in the bed, they start to explore each other’s bodies. Things are going along fine until the bride discovers her husband’s penis.
“Oh my!” she cries: “What is that?”
“Well, darlin’” he chuckles proudly: “That’s ma’ rope!
“She slides her hands down further and gasps, “Oh my goodness! What are those?” she asks.
“Honey, those’re my knots!” he answers. Finally the couple begins to make love.
After several minutes the bride says, “Stop honey, wait a minute!
Her husband, panting a little, asks: “What’s the matter honey, am I hurting you?”
“No,” the bride replies, “undo them damn knots, I need more rope!!!!
After working for years, a hooker finally retired and, being afraid of spending the rest of her life alone, she decided to marry. She had been with so many perverted men over the years that she felt she needed a change and would only get one by marrying a virgin male near her age. She took out ads in newspapers around the world seeking a male virgin who was 55 years old. She finally narrowed her choice to an Australian computer programmer. After a thorough background check, she was satisfied that he had indeed never been with a woman and they were married.
On their wedding night, she went into the bathroom to change into her nightie. When she came back out, she found that her new husband had taken the bed and everything in the room and stacked it in one corner of the room.
Thinking this was rather kinky, she said to her husband, “I thought you had never been with a woman.”
He replied, “That’s true, but if it’s anything like screwing a kangaroo, we’re going to need all the room we can get!”
A high school Chemistry teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being there tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family – but that’s it, no other excuses whatsoever!”
A smart-ass guy in the back of the room raises his hand and asks,
“What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?”
The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head sadly, and sweetly replies, “Well, I guess you’d have to write the exam with your other hand.”
A general store owner hires a young female clerk who likes to wear very short skirts and thong panties. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the clerk and glances at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing the length of her skirt (or general lack thereof)and the location of the raisin bread,he has a brilliant idea.
I’d like some raisin bread please, the man says politely. The female clerk nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread, which is located on the very top shelf. The young mans tanding almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view,just as he surmised he would.Once she descends the ladder he muses that he really should get two loaves as he is having company for dinner. As the clerk retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what was going on. Thinking quickly, he requests his own loaf of raisin bread so he can continue to enjoy the view. With each trip up the ladder the young lady seems to catch the eye of another male customer.
Pretty soon, each male customer is asking for raisin bread,just to see the clerk climb up and down. After many trips she is tired, irritated and thinking that she is really going to have to try the bread herself. Finally, once again atop the ladder, she stops and fumes, glaring at the men standing below. She notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd staring up at her.Thinking to save herself a trip, she yells at the elderly man, “Is yours raisin too?”
“No,” croaks the old man, “but it’s a quiverin.”
At 85 years, Morris marries a lovely 25-year-old woman. Because her new husband is so old, the woman decides that on their wedding night, they should have separate bedrooms. She is concerned that the old fellow could overexert himself.
After the wedding festivities, she prepares herself for bed and for the knock on the door she is expecting. Sure enough, the knock comes and there is her 85-year-old groom ready for action. They unite in conjugal union and all goes well, whereupon he takes his leave of her and she prepares to go to sleep for the night.
After a few minutes, there’s a knock on the door and there old Morris is again, ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, she consents to further coupling, which is again successful. The octogenarian once again bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is certainly ready for slumber at this point, and, after a few more minutes, is close to sleep. But for the third time, there is a knock at the door and there he is again — fresh as a 25-year-old and ready for more.
Again they ravish one another. As they’re basking in the afterglow, the young bride says to him,
“I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you have enough juice to go at it three times. I’ve been with guys less than half your age who were only good for one time. You’re a great lover, Morris.”
Morris, looking quite confused, turns to her and asks, “You mean I was here already?”
An elderly Italian man asked the local priest to hear his confession:
“Father, during WW2 a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans. I hid her in my attic.”
The priest replied, “That was a wonderful thing you did and you have no need to confess.”
“It’s worse, Father. I was weak and told her she must repay me with her sexual favors.”
“You were both in great danger and would have suffered terribly if the Germans had found her. God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil and judge you kindly. You are forgiven.”
“Thank you, Father, that’s a great load off my mind. I have one more question.”
“And what is that?” asked the priest.
The old man replied, “Should I tell her the war is over?”
Once upon a time, there was a woman working at a lingerie counter, and a customer came to the counter with a pair of frilly panties and said she’d like to buy them, adding, “but only of you can embroider `If you can read this, you’re too close.’ on the back.”
So, the saleswoman took the panties to the tailor in back, and described the rather unusual request.
The tailor said, “Well, she sounds like a stick in the mud, but I can do that. Does she want block letters or script?”
Since the saleswoman didn’t know, she went back around to the counter, and asked, “do you want that in block letters or script?”
The customer replied, with a smile, “Braille.”
When Ralph first noticed that his penis was growing larger and staying erect longer, he was delighted,as was his wife. But after several weeks his penis had grown to nearly twenty inches. Ralph became quite concerned. He was having problems dressing and even walking, so he and his wife went to see a prominent surgeon. After an initial examination,the physician explained to the couple that, though rare, Ralph’s condition could be fixed through corrective surgery.
“How long will Ralph be on crutches?” the wife asked anxiously.
“Crutches?” replied the doctor.”Why would he need crutches?”
“Well,” said the wife coldly, “you’re planning to lengthen his legs, aren’t you.
An Australian guy goes into a bar in the Greek Islands. Jill, the Australian barmaid takes his order and notices his Australian accent.
Over the course of the night they talk quite a bit. At the end of the night he asks her if she wants to have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for the deed. Jill is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.
The next night the guy turns up again and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night he asks if she will sleep with him again for $200. She figures in for a penny in for a pound – and it was fantastic the night before – so she agrees.
This goes on for 5 nights. On the sixth night the guy comes into the bar. But this night he orders a beer and just goes and sits in the corner. Jill is disappointed and thinks that maybe she should pay him more attention. She goes over and sits next to him. She asks him where he is from and he tells her Melbourne.
“So am I” she says. “What suburb in Melbourne?”
“Glen Iris” he says.
“That’s amazing” she says, “so am I – what street?”
“Cameo street” he says.”
“This is unbelievable” she says, “what number?”
He says “Number 20″ and she is astonished.
“You are not going to believe this” she says, “I’m from number 22 and my parents still live there!”
“I know” he says “your father gave me $1,000 to give you!”
Two Italian nuns are riding their rickety old bikes down the back streets of Rome one late afternoon. As it turns dusk, the increasing darkness starts making one of the nuns a little nervous, she leans over to the other and says, “you know, I’ve never come this way before.”
The other nun replies, “it’s the cobblestones.”
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