Doug’s Divine Drollery

Working people frequently ask retired people what they do to Make their days interesting.

Well, for example, the other day the wife and I went into town And went into a shop. We were only in there for about 5 minutes. When we Came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.

We went up to him and I said, ‘Come on man, how about giving a Senior citizen a break? ‘He ignored us and continued writing the ticket.

I called him a dumb ass. He glared at me and started writing another Ticket for having worn tires . So Mary called him a shithead. He finished the second ticket and Put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing a third Ticket. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote.

Just then our bus arrived.

We try to have a little fun each day now that we’re retired. It’s important at our age.

One morning Dick Cheney and George W. Bush were having brunch at a restaurant. The attractive waitress asks Cheney what he would like and he replies,

“I’ll have a bowl of oatmeal and some fruit.”

“And what would you like, sir?” she asks George W.

He replies, “How about a quickie?”

“Why, Mr. President,” the waitress says, “How rude. You’re starting to act like Mr. Clinton and you haven’t even been in office for 6 months yet!”

As the waitress storms away, Cheney leans over to Bush and whispers, “It’s pronounced ‘quiche.’”

Last summer, the President and Mrs. Clinton were vacationing in their home state of Arkansas. On a venture one day, they stopped at a service station to fill up their car with gas. It seemed that the owner of the station was once Hillary’s high school love.

They exchanged hellos and then the White House couple went on their way. As they were driving on to their final destination, Bill put his arm around Hillary and said, “Well, honey, if you had stayed with him, you would now be the wife of a service station owner.”

She smirked and replied, “No! If I had stayed with him, HE would be the President of the United States TODAY!”

Shortly after Bill Clinton moved out of the White House to New York, the telephone rang. Since there was no longer anyone to answer the phone for him, he picked up and said “hello.”

The man on the other end said “I’d like to speak to the President of the United States.”

Bill replied, “I’m no longer President of the United States.”

The man hung up. Again, the phone rang and when Bill said “hello,” the caller asked to speak the president of the United States to which Bill replied “I’m no longer president of the United States” and hung up.

The phone rang again, and once mmore the caller asked to speak to the President of the United States. By this time, Bill was getting really mad. “Look, I told you before, I’m no longer President of the United States.”

“I know” said the man, “I just get so much pleasure hearing you say it !!!”

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs and rump and chest.

After a few minutes, Johnny asked, ‘Dad, why are you doing that?’

His father replied, ‘Because when I’m buying horses, I have to make sure that they are healthy and in good shape before I buy.

Johnny, looking worried, said, ‘Dad, I think the UPS guy wants to buy Mom.’

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.

‘Yes,’ said the policeman. ‘The detectives want very badly to capture him.’

Little Johnny asked, ‘Why didn’t you keep him when you took his picture?’

The math teacher saw that little Johnny wasn’t paying attention in class.

She called on him and said, ‘Johnny! What are 2 and 4 and 28 and 44?’

Little Johnny quickly replied, ‘NBC, FOX, ESPN and the Cartoon Network!’

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, ‘Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!’

After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up.

The teacher said, ‘Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?’

‘No, ma’am, but I hate to see you standing there all by yourself!’

Two men were driving through Saskatchewan when they got pulled over by an RCMP officer. The cop walked up and tapped on the window with his night-stick. The driver rolled down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacked him in the head with his night-stick.

“What the hell was that for?” the driver asked.

“You’re in Saskatchewan son,” the cop answered. “When we pull you over in Saskatchewan , you better have your license ready by the time we get to your car.”

“I’m sorry officer,” the driver said, “I’m not from around here.”

The cop runs a check on the guy’s license–he’s clean, and gives the guy his license back. The cop then walks around to the passenger side and taps on the window. The passenger rolls down the window, and WHACK, the cop smacks him on the head with the night-stick.

“What’d you do that for?” the passenger demands.

“Just making your wish come true,” replied the cop.

“Making WHAT wish come true?” the passenger asked.

“Because I know your type,” the cop says, “two miles down the road, you’re gonna turn to your buddy and say, ‘I wish that asshole would’ve tried that shit with me!’”

Jesus and Moses were strolling by the Red Sea, when Moses nudged Jesus and said, “Psst. Hey, Jesus, I’ve still got it.”

Moses turned towards the Red Sea and lifted his staff on high. The angels began to sing, the gentle sea breeze turned into a raging gale, and the waters of the Red Sea were parted. Moses lowered his arms and, with a smug grin on his face, turned back to face Jesus.

Jesus scoffed. “Moses, my boy,” said the Messiah, “I have still got it.” And with a flourish of his robes, Jesus stepped onto the waters of the Red Sea and began to stride across without so much as a ripple.

But to Moses’ amazement, halfway across the water, Jesus suddenly began to sink. He splashed into the water and began to choke and flounder as the waves tossed him around. Moses grumbled at Jesus’ silliness and parted the water once more. Moses helped Jesus back to shore, as the Saviour hacked up salt water.

When they had finally reached shore, Moses slapped a consoling hand on Jesus’ shoulder and said, “Don’t worry about it, Lord. Last time you tried it, you didn’t have holes in your feet.”

What did Jesus say to the roman soldier once he was up on the cross.

“Hey I think I can see your house from up here.”

——————————————————————————————————-

What’s the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hold up a picture.

——————————————————————————————————-
Why can’t Jesus eat M&M’s?

They keep falling through his hands.
——————————————————————————————————-

Why didn’t Jesus go to law school?

He was nailed on the boards.

A disappointed salesman of Coke returns from his assignment in Israel .

A friend asked, “Why weren’t you successful with the Israelis?”

The salesman explained, “When I got posted in the Middle East , I was very confident that I would make a good sales pitch in rural areas. But, I had a problem – I didn’t know how to speak Hebrew. So, I planned to convey the message through three posters…

First poster- A man lying in the hot desert sand, totally exhausted and fainting.	Second poster – man is drinking our Cola.	Third poster- Our man is now totally refreshed.

Then, these posters were pasted all over the place.

“That should have worked,” said the friend.

Read more »

1. The High Holidays have absolutely nothing to do with marijuana.
2. Where there’s smoke, there may be salmon
3. No meal is complete without leftovers.
4. According to Jewish dietary law, pork and shellfish may be eaten only in Chinese restaurants
5. A shmata is a dress that your husband’s ex is wearing.
6. You need ten men for a minion, but only four in polyester pants and white shoes for pinochle.
7. One mitzvah can change the world; two will just make you tired.
8. After the destruction of the Second temple, God created Nordstroms.
9. Anything worth saying is worth repeating a thousand times.
10. Never take a front row seat at a Bris.
11. Next year in Jerusalem . The year after that, how about a nice cruise?
12. Never leave a restaurant empty handed.
13. Spring ahead, fall back, winters in Boca.
14. WASP’s leave and never say good bye; Jews say good bye and never leave.
15. Always whisper the names of diseases.
16. If it tastes good, it’s probably not kosher.
17. The important Jewish holidays are the ones on which alternate side of the street parking is suspended
18. Without Jewish mothers, who would need therapy?
19. If you have to ask the price, you can’t afford it. But if you can afford it, ma ke sure to tell everybody what you paid.
20. Laugh now, but one day you’ll be driving a Lexus and eating dinner at 4:00 PM in Florida .

1. Under same management for over 5763 years
2. Don’t give up. Moses was once a basket case.
3. What p art of “Thou shalt not” don’t you understand?
4. Shul committees should be made up of three members, two of whom should be absent at every meeting.
5. Sign over the urinal in a bathroom at Hebrew University : “The future of the Jewish people is in your hands.”
6. My mother is a typical Jewish mother. Once she was on jury duty They sent her home. She insisted SHE was guilty.
7. Any time a person goes into a delicatessen and orders a pastrami on white bread, somewhere a Jew dies.
8. It was mealtime during a flight on El Al. “Would you like dinner?,” the flight attendant asked Moshe, seated in front. “What are my choices?,” Moshe asked. “Yes or no,” she replied
9. An elderly Jewish man is knocked down by a car and is brought to the local hospital. A pretty nurse tucks him into bed and says, “Mr. Gevarter, are you comfortable?” Gevarter replies, “I make a nice living….”
10. A rabbi was opening his mail one morning. Taking a single sheet of paper from an envelope he found written on it only one word: “shmuck.” At the next Friday night service, the Rabbi announced, “I have known many people who have written letters and forgot to sign their names, but this week I received a letter from someone who signed his name…and forgot to write a letter.
11. Three Jewish women get together for lunch. As they are being seated in the restaurant, one takes a deep breath and gives a long, slow “oy.” The second takes a deep breath as well and lets out a long, slow “oy” The third takes a deep breath and says impatiently, “Girls, I thought we agreed that we weren’t going to talk about our children.”
12. And one final favorite: A waiter comes over to a table full of Jewish women and asks, “Is anything all right?

A guy walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by.

He gets into the taxi, and the Cabbie says, ‘Perfect timing. You’re just like Frank.’

Passenger: ‘Who?’

Cabbie: ‘Frank Feldman. He’s a guy who did everything right all thetime. Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time.’

Passenger: ‘There are always a few clouds over everybody.’

Cabbie: ‘Not Frank Feldman. He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the tennis Grand-Slam. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone, danced like a Broadway star and you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy .’

Passenger: ‘Sounds like he was something really special.’

Cabbie: ‘There’s more… He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody’s birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, he could do everything right’

Passenger: ‘Wow, some guy then.’

Cabbie: ‘He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them. But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back, even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too – He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman.’

Passenger: ‘An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?’

Cabbie: ‘Well, I never actually met Frank, he died. I married his Damn widow.’

A guy calls his buddy, the horse rancher, and says he’s sending a friend over to look at a horse.

His buddy asks, ‘How will I recognize him?’

‘That’s easy; he’s a dwarf with a speech impediment.’

So, the dwarf shows up, and the guy asks him if he’s looking for a male or female horse.

‘A female horth.’

So he shows him a prized filly.

‘Nith lookin horth. Can I thee her eyeth?’

So the guy picks up the dwarf and he gives the horse’s eyes the once over.

‘Nith eyeth, can I thee her earzth?’

So he picks the little fella up again, and shows him the horse’s ears.

‘Nith earzth, can I thee her mouf?’

The rancher is getting pretty ticked off by this point, but he picks him up again and shows him the horse’s mouth.

‘Nice mouf, can I see her twat?’

Totally mad at this point, the rancher grabs him under his arms and rams the dwarf’s head up the horse’s fanny, pulls him out and slams him on the ground.

The midget gets up, sputtering and coughing.

‘Perhapth I should rephrase that. Can I thee her wun awound a widdlebit?’

Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor.

With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis.

After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, ‘Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.’

The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table.

‘Gee, Mom,’ he exclaimed. ‘For me?’

‘Just take two,’ Brenda replied . ‘The rest are for your father.

A man went to church one day and afterward he stopped to shake the preacher’s hand . He said ‘Preacher, I’ll tell you, that was a damned fine sermon. Damned good!’

The preacher said, ‘Thank you sir, but I’d rather you didn’t use profanity.’

The man said, ‘I was so damned impressed with that sermon I put five thousand dollars in the offering plate!’

The preacher said, ‘No shit?’

The mother of a 17-year-old girl was concerned that her daughter was having sex.

Worried the girl might become pregnant and adversely impact the family’s status, she consulted the family doctor.

The doctor told her that teenagers today were very willful and any attempt to stop the girl would probably result in rebellion. He then told her to arrange for her daughter to be put on birth control and until then, talk to her and give her a box of condoms.

Later that evening, as her daughter was preparing for a date, the woman told her about the situation and handed her a box of condoms

The girl burst out laughing and reached over to hug her mother saying: ‘Oh Mom! You don’t have to worry about that! I’m dating Susan!’

A panda walks into a bar. He asks the bartender how he can get a little action for the night. The bartender motions to a young woman. She talks to the panda, and they go back to her place. After having sex, the panda abruptly leaves.

The next night, the woman goes to the panda’s house. “You owe me money,” she says.

“For what?” questions the Panda

The woman rolls her eyes and explains, “I’m a prostitute.”

The panda pulls explains he’s from China and is not sure what a prostitute is, so he gets a dictionary and looks it up: “Prostitute: Has sex for money.”

The panda says, ” Oh, I see, but, I don’t have to pay you. I’m a panda”

The woman is confused, she asks ” What the heck does that have to do with anything?”

The bear hands her the dictionary.

The woman looks up “panda” in the dictionary. It says, “Panda: Cute bear from China, eats shoots and leaves.”

Listen up [tag]City Slickers[/tag]!

1. Pull your droopy pants up. You look like an idiot.
2. Turn your cap straight, your head isn’t crooked.
3. Let’s get this straight; it’s called a ‘dirt road.’ I drive a pickup truck because I want to. No matter how slow you drive, you’re going to get dust on your Lexus. Drive it or get out of the way.
4. They are cattle. They’re live steaks. That’s why they smell funny to you. But they smell like money to us. Get over it. Don’t like it? Hwy 1 goes east and west, Hwy 39 & 11 goes north and south. Pick one.
5. So you have a $60,000 car. We’re impressed. We have $365,000 combines and hay balers that are driven only 3 weeks a year.
6. So every person in rural [tag]Saskatchewan[/tag] waves. It’s called ‘being friendly ‘ . Try to understand the concept.
7. If that cell phone rings while an 8-point buck and 3 does are coming in, we WILL shoot it out of your hand. You better hope you don’t have it up to your ear at the time.
8. Yeah, we eat meat and potatoes. You really want sushi & caviar? It’s available at the corner bait shop
9. The ‘Opener’ refers to the first day of deer hunting season. It’s a religious holiday held the closest Saturday to the first of November.
10. We open doors for women. That is applied to all women, regardless of age.
11. There’s little for ‘vegetarians’ on the menu. Order steak. Or you can order the Chef’s Salad and pick off the 2 pounds of ham & turkey.
12. When we set a table, there are three main dishes: meats, vegetables and breads. We use three spices: salt, pepper, and ketchup.
13. You bring ‘coke’ into my house, it better be brown, wet and served over ice.
14. You bring ‘Mary Jane’ into my house, she better be cute, know how to shoot, drive a truck, and have long hair.
15. SASKATCHEWAN Hockey League and Minor Hockey is as important here as the Calgary Flames and the Edmonton Oilers and more fun to watch
16. Yeah, we have golf courses. But don’t hit the water hazards — it spooks the fish.
17. Colleges? We have them all over. We have Universities and Community Colleges. They come outta there with an education plus a love for God and country, and they still wave at everybody when they come for the holidays.
18. Turn down that blasted car stereo! That thumpity-thump crap ain’t music, anyway. We don’t want to hear it anymore than we want to see your boxers. (Refer back to #1).
19. 2 inches of snow & ice isn’t a blizzard – it’s a vacation. Drive like you got some sense in it, and DON’T take all our bread, milk, and bleach from the grocery stores. This ain’t Alaska , worst case you may have to live a whole day without going to town for coffee with you friends. The pickups with snow blades and tractors with snow blowers will have you out the next day.

[tags]rules,humour,humor,jokes,funny,comedy[/tags]

A man was sitting on a blanket at the beach. He had no arms and no Legs.

Three women were walking past and felt sorry for the poor man.

The first woman said ‘Have you ever had a hug?’ The man said ‘No,’ so she gave him a hug and walked on.

The second woman said, ‘Have you ever had a kiss?’ The man said, ‘No,’ so she gave him a kiss and walked on.

The third woman came over to him and said, ‘Have you ever been f#cked?’ The fellow’s eyes lit up and with a big grin he said, ‘No’

She said, ‘Well you will be when the tide comes in.’

[tags]joke,funny,humour,humor,comedy[/tags]

Larry came home late one night and, Kitty, his wife says, ‘Where in the hell have you been?’

Larry replies, ‘I was out getting a tattoo.’

‘A tattoo?’ she frowned. ‘What kind of tattoo did you get?’

‘I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates,’ he said proudly.

‘What the hell were you thinking?’ she said, shaking her head in disgust. ‘Why on earth would a retired person get a hundred dollar bill tattooed on his privates?’

‘Well, one, I like to watch my money grow. Two, once in a while I like to play with my money. Three, I like how money feels in my hand. And, lastly, instead of you going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred bucks anytime you want.’

Larry is now recovering in room 223 at the local hospital.

[tags]money,marriage,jokes,humor,humour,funny,comedy[/tags]

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, ‘I would like to buy some cyanide.

“The [tag]pharmacist[/tag] asked, “Why in the world do you need [tag]cyanide[/tag]?”

The lady replied, “I need it to poison my husband.”

The pharmacist’s eyes got big and he exclaimed, “Lord have mercy! I can’t give you cyanide to kill your husband. That’s against the law!

I’ll lose my license! They’ll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!”

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied, “Well now, that’s different. You didn’t tell me you had a prescription.”

[tags]humour,humor,jokes,comedy,funny[/tags]

Three women: one engaged, one married and one a mistress are chatting about Their relationships and decided to amaze their men. That night all three Will wear black leather bras, stiletto heels and a mask over their eyes.

After a few days they meet up for lunch.

The engaged woman:
The other night when my boyfriend came over he found me with a black Leather bodice, tall stilettos and a mask. He saw me and said, ‘You are the Woman of My life. I love you.’ Then we made love all night long.

The mistress:
Me too! The other night I met my lover at his office and I was wearing the Leather bodice, heels, mask over my eyes and a raincoat. When I opened the raincoat he didn’t say a word, but we had wild sex all night.

The married woman:
I sent the kids to my mother’s house for the night. When my husband came home I was wearing the leather bodice, black stockings, stilettos and a mask over my eyes. As soon as he came in the door and saw me he said,

‘Hey Batman what’s for dinner?’