A lot of visitors are being referred here from StumbleUpon – the original links you are clicking on are redirected here as I am in the process of changing the site – to find the jokes you were trying to get to use the search bar above or the categories off to the side.
Did you hear about the two duck hunters from Prince Albert? True story, heard on a Saskatoon radio station reporting on the incident.
A guy buys a new Lincoln Navigator from Merlin Motors in Saskatoon for $42,500.00 (with monthly payments of $560.00). He and a friend go duck hunting at Tobin Lake in mid-October; and of course the lake is frozen.
These two guys go on a lake with their GUNS, a DOG, and of course the New NAVIGATOR. They decide they want to make a natural looking water area for the ducks, something for the decoys to float on. Now making a hole in the ice large enough to invite a passing duck, is going to take a little more power than the average drill auger can produce. So, out of the back of the new Navigator comes a stick of dynamite with a short 40 second-fuse. Now our two Rocket Scientists, afraid they might slip on the ice while trying to run away after lighting the fuse (and becoming toast, along with the Navigator), decide on the following course of action: they light the 40 second fuse; then, with a mighty thrust, they throw the stick of dynamite as far away as possible.
Remember a couple of paragraphs back when I mentioned the NAVIGATOR, the GUNS, and the DOG…???
Let’s talk about the dog: A highly trained Black Lab used for RETRIEVING! Especially things thrown by the owner. You guessed it: the dog takes off across the ice at a high rate of speed and grabs the stick of dynamite, with the burning 40-second fuse, just as it hits the ice.
The two men swallow, blink, start waving their arms and, with veins in their necks swelling to resemble stalks of rhubarb, scream and holler at the dog to stop. The dog, now apparently cheered on by his master, keeps coming. One hunter panics, grabs the shotgun and shoots the dog.
The shotgun is loaded with #8 bird shot, hardly big enough to stop a Black Lab. The dog stops for a moment, slightly confused then continues on. Another shot, and this time the dog, still standing, becomes really confused and of course terrified, thinks these two geniuses have gone insane. The dog takes off to find cover, under the brand new Navigator. The men continue to scream as they run.. The red hot exhaust pipe on the truck touches the dogs rearend, he yelps, drops the dynamite under the truck and takes off after his master. Then””””””””””KAAAAA…BOOOOOOOOOOOOM””””””””””!!!!
The truck is blown to bits and sinks to the bottom of the lake, leaving the two idiots standing there with…… “I can’t believe this just happened” looks on their faces. The insurance company says that sinking a vehicle in a lake by illegal use of explosives is NOT COVERED by the policy. He still had yet to make the first of those $560.00 a month payments… In case you are wondering…The dog is okay… Newspaper item from the Saskatoon Star-Phoenix.. AND THEY MAKE FUN OF PEOPLE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
The first man married a woman from Italy. He told her that she was to do the dishes and house cleaning.. It took a couple of days, but on the third day, he came home to see a clean house and dishes washed and put away.
The second man married a woman from the Phillipines. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes and the cooking.. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done and there was a huge dinner on the table.
The third man married a woman from the Holland. He gave his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, the cooking and bring him beer in her birthday suit. The first day he didn’t see any results, but the next day he saw it was better. By the third day, he saw his house was clean, the dishes were done, there was a huge dinner on the table and she served a beer in her birthday suit.
The fourth man married a girl from CANADA. He ordered her to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed, and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn’t see anything, the second day he didn’t see anything but by the third day, some of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, and his arm was healed enough that he could fix himself a sandwich and load the dishwasher.
He still has some difficulty when he pees.
Two Mexicans are stuck in the desert after crossing into the United States , wandering aimlessly and starving. They are about to just lie down and wait for death, when all of a sudden Luis says………
“Hey Pepe, do you smell what I smell. Ees bacon, I theenk.”
“Si, Luis, eet sure smells like bacon. ”
With renewed hope they struggle up the next sand dune, & there, in the distance, is a tree loaded with bacon.
There’s raw bacon, there’s fried bacon, back bacon, double smoked bacon … every imaginable kind of cured pork.
“Pepe, Pepe, we ees saved. Ees a bacon tree.”
“Luis, maybe ees a meerage? We ees in the desert don’t forget.”
“Pepe, since when deed you ever hear of a meerage that smell like bacon…ees no meerage, ees a bacon tree.”
And with that, Luis staggers towards the tree. He gets to within 5 metres, Pepe crawling close behind, when suddenly a machine gun opens up, and Luis drops like a wet sock. Mortally wounded, he warns Pepe with his dying breath, “Pepe… go back man, you was right, ees not a bacon tree!”
“Luis, Luis mi amigo… what ees it? ”
“Pepe.. ees not a bacon tree. Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees
Ees a ham bush….”
The madam opened the brothel door to see an elderly Jewish man. His clothes were all disheveled and he looked needy. “Can I help you?” the madam asked. “I want Natalie,” the old man replied. “Sir, Natalie is one of our most expensive ladies, perhaps someone else…” “No, I must see Natalie.”
Just then Natalie appeared and announced to the old man that she charges $1,000 per visit. The man never blinked and reached into his pocket and handed her ten $100 bills. The two went up to a room for an hour whereupon the man calmly left.
The next night he appeared again demanding Natalie. Natalie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row and that there were no discounts… it was still $1,000. Again the old man took out the money, the two went up to the room and he calmly left an hour later.
When he showed up the third consecutive night, no one could believe it. Again he handed Natalie the money and up to the room they went. At the end of the hour Natalie questioned the old man: “No one has ever used my services three nights in a row… where are you from?”
The old man replied, “I am from Minsk.”
“Really?” replied Natalie, “I have a sister who lives there.”
“Yes; I know,” said the old man. “She gave me $3,000 to give to you.”
If you can start the day without caffeine,
If you can always be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food every day and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when your loved ones are too busy to give you any time,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment ,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
..Then You Are Probably The Family Dog
Have you done it on a boat?
Have you done it with a goat?
Have you done it in a bed?
Have you done it with the dead?
Have you done it in the ass?
Have you done it, high on grass?
Have you done it in the car?
Have you simply gone too far?
Have you done it on the beach?
Have you done it with the teach?
Have you done it on your back?
Have you done it strapped to a rack?
Have you done it in a box?
Have you done it with a fox?
Have you done it in a tree?
Have you done it with more than three?
Have you done it in the rain?
Have you done it for the pain?
Have you done it ‘tween the tits?
Have you done it wearing mitts?
Have you done it packed in rubber?
Have you done it undercover?
Have you done it on a perch?
Have you done it in a church?
Have you done it with a virgin?
Have you done it with a sturgeon?
Have you done it with ropes and chains?
Have you done it while insane?
Have you done it on the stage?
Have you done it underage?
Have you done it with all your friends?
Have you done it in both ends?
Have you done it with your dog?
Have you done it on a log?
Have you done it under clamps?
Have you done it with the lamps?
Have you done it without style?
Have you done it for all to see?
Have you ever had VD?
Have you done it on Mother’s couch?
Have you done it in your mouth?
Have you done it while on tape?
Have you done it out of shape?
Have you done it on live TV?
Have you done it whilst you pee?
Have you done it in the gym?
Have you done it on a whim?
Have you done it on a dare?
Do you really think we care?
Answer these and count your “no”s, pray this number never grows;
Fifty questions we asked thee, score times two is your Purity.
A flat-chested young lady goes to Dr. Smith for advice about breast enlargement.
He tells her, “Every day when you get out of the shower, rub the top of your nipples and say, “Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies.”
She did this every day faithfully and after several months, it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and she was on the bus when she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn’t want to lose them, so she got up right in the middle of the bus and said, “Scooby dooby doobies. I want bigger boobies.”
A guy sitting nearby asked her, “Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?”
“Why, yes, I do. How did you know?”
“Hickory dickory dock.
One evening after work several guys were going out to have a drink and they were trying to convince a married friend that he should come, too.
“I can’t,” the man said, “my wife would kill me.”
After 15 minutes of persuasion by his friends he finally caves in and goes. Later, looking at his watch, he realizes that it is midnight and he still has not gone home. He immediately rushes home trying to figure a way out of the trouble he’s in.
Upon his arrival, he walks into the bedroom and sees his wife’s legs sticking out of the covers. “I know!!!” he thinks to himself and he crawls in between his wife’s legs under the covers and performs oral sex on her until she is *satisfied*.
“That should do it,” he thinks and he walks into the bathroom to wash his face. He turns on the light and THERE IS HIS WIFE,… sitting on the toilet!!!
“What are you doing in here?” he impatiently screams.
“SSShhhhhh! she says, “You’ll wake your mother!!!!!”
A young single guy is on a cruise ship, having the time of his life. On the second day of the cruise, the ship slams into an iceberg and begins to sink. Passengers around him are screaming, flailing, and drowning but our guy manages to grab on to a piece of driftwood and, using every last ounce of strength, swims a few miles through the shark-infested sea to a remote island. Sprawled on the shore nearly passed out from exhaustion, he turns his head and sees a woman lying near him, unconscious, barely breathing. She has also managed to wash up on shore from the sinking ship. He makes his way to her, and with some mouth-to-mouth assistance he manages to get her breathing again.
She looks up at him, wide-eyed and grateful and says, “My God, you saved my life!”
He suddenly realizes the woman is Cindy Crawford! Days and weeks go by. Cindy and our guy are living on the island together. They have set up a hut, there is fruit on the trees, and they are in heaven. Cindy has fallen madly in love with our man, and they are making passionate love morning, noon and night. Alas, one day she notices he is looking kind of glum.
“What is the matter, sweetheart?” she asks, “We have a wonderful life together, I am in love with you. Is there something wrong? Is there anything I can do?”
He says, “Actually, Cindy, there is. Would you mind, putting on my shirt?”
“Sure,” she says, “if it will help.”
He takes off his shirt and she puts it on.
“Now would you put on my pants?” he asks.
“Sure, honey, if it is really going to make you feel better,” she says.
“Okay, would you put on my hat now, and draw a little moustache on your face?” he asks.
“Whatever you want, sweetie,” she says, and does.
Then he says, “Now, would you start walking around the edge of the island?”
She starts walking around the perimeter of the island. He sets off in the other direction. They meet up half way around the island a few minutes later.
He rushes up to her, grabs her by the shoulders, and says,”Dude! You will never believe who I am sleeping with!”
The trick to successful dating is learning how to interpret the hidden signs, those giveaway gestures that can tell you so much about a person. Train yourself to recognize – and decode – these KEY “SIGNS.” Figuring out these moronic little indicators can save you a lot of time and effort.
| ATTRACTION | the act of associating horniness with a particular person. |
| LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT | what occurs when two extremely horny, but not entirely choosy people meet. |
| DATING | the process of spending enormous amounts of money, time and energy to get better acquainted with a person whom you don’t especially like in the present and will learn to like a lot less in the future. |
| BIRTH CONTROL | avoiding pregnancy through such tactics as swallowing special pills, inserting a diaphragm, using a condom, and dating repulsive men. |
| EASY | a term used to describe a woman who has the sexual morals of a man. |
| EYE CONTACT | a method utilized by one person to indicate that they are interested in another. Despite being advised to do so, many men have difficulty looking a woman directly in the eyes, not necessarily due to shyness, but usually due to the fact that a woman’s eyes are not located in her chest. |
| FRIEND | a person in your acquaintance who has some flaw which makes sleeping with him/her totally unappealing. |
| INDIFFERENCE | a woman’s feeling towards a man, which is interpreted by the man to be “playing hard to get”. |
| INTERESTING | a word a man uses to describe a woman who lets him do all the talking. |
| IRRITATING HABIT | what the endearing little qualities that initially attract two people to each other turn into after a few months together. |
| LAW OF RELATIVITY | how attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is. |
| NYMPHOMANIAC | a man’s term for a woman who wants to have sex more often than he does. |
| SOBER | condition in which it is almost impossible to fall in love. |
Online computer users often engage in what is affectionately known as
“cybersex”. Often the fantasies typed into keyboards and shared
through Internet phone lines get pretty raunchy. However, as you’ll
see below, one of the two cyber-surfers in the following transcript
of an online chat doesn’t seem to quite get the point of cyber sex.
Then again, maybe he does…
Wellhung: Hello, Sweetheart. What do you look like?
Sweetheart: I am wearing a red silk blouse, a miniskirt and high
heels. I work out every day, I’m toned and perfect. My measurements
are 36-24-36. What do you look like?
Wellhung: I’m 6′3″ and about 250 pounds.I wear glasses and I have on a pair of blue sweat pants I just bought from Walmart.I’m also wearing a T-shirt with a few spots of barbecue sauce on it from dinner…it smells funny.
Sweetheart: I want you.Would you like to screw me?
Wellhung: OK
Sweetheart: We’re in my bedroom.There’s soft music playing on the stereo and candles on my dresser and night table.I’m looking up into your eyes, smiling. My hand works its way down to your crotch and begins to fondle your huge, swelling bulge.
Wellhung: I’m gulping, I’m beginning to sweat.
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up your shirt and kissing your chest.
Wellhung: Now I’m unbuttoning your blouse.My hands are trembling.
Sweetheart: I’m moaning softly.
Wellhung: I’m taking hold of your blouse and sliding it off slowly.
Sweetheart: I’m throwing my head back in pleasure.The cool silk slides off my warm skin.I’m rubbing your bulge faster, pulling and rubbing.
Wellhung: My hand suddenly jerks spastically and accidentally rips a hole in your blouse.I’m sorry.
Sweetheart: That’s OK, it wasn’t really too expensive.
Wellhung: I’ll pay for it.
Sweetheart: Don’t worry about it.I’m wearing a lacy black bra.My soft breasts are rising and falling, as I breath harder and harder.
Wellhung: I’m fumbling with the clasp on your bra.I think it’s stuck. Do you have any scissors?
Sweetheart: I take your hand and kiss it softly.I’m reaching back undoing the clasp. The bra slides off my body. The air caresses my breasts. My nipples are erect for you.
Wellhung: How did you do that? I’m picking up the bra and inspecting the clasp.
Sweetheart: I’m arching my back. Oh baby. I just want to feel your tongue all over me.
Wellhung: I’m dropping the bra. Now I’m licking your, you know, breasts. They’re neat!
Sweetheart: I’m running my fingers through your hair. Now I’m nibbling your ear.
Wellhung: I suddenly sneeze. Your breasts are covered with spit and phlegm.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I’m so sorry. Really.
Sweetheart: I’m wiping your phlegm off my breasts with the remains ofmy blouse.
Wellhung: I’m taking the sopping wet blouse from you. I drop it with a plop.
Sweetheart: OK. I’m pulling your sweat pants down and rubbing your hard tool.
Wellhung: I’m screaming like a woman. Your hands are cold! Yeeee!
Sweetheart: I’m pulling up my miniskirt. Take off my panties.
Wellhung: I’m pulling off your panties. My tongue is going all over, in and out nibbling on you…umm… wait a minute.
Sweetheart: What’s the matter?
Wellhung: I’ve got a pubic hair caught in my throat. I’m choking.
Sweetheart: Are you OK?
Wellhung: I’m having a coughing fit. I’m turning all red.
Sweetheart: Can I help?
Wellhung: I’m running to the kitchen, choking wildly. I’m fumbling through the cabinets, looking for a cup. Where do you keep your cups?
Sweetheart: In the cabinet to the right of the sink.
Wellhung: I’m drinking a cup of water. There, that’s better.
Sweetheart: Come back to me, lover.
Wellhung: I’m washing the cup now.
Sweetheart: I’m on the bed arching for you.
Wellhung: I’m drying the cup. Now I’m putting it back in the cabinet. And now I’m walking back to the bedroom. Wait, it’s dark, I’m lost. Where’s the bedroom?
Sweetheart: Last door on the left at the end of the hall.
Wellhung: I found it.
Sweetheart: I’m tuggin’ off your pants. I’m moaning. I want you so badly.
Wellhung: Me too.
Sweetheart: Your pants are off. I kiss you passionately-our naked bodies pressing each other.
Wellhung: Your face is pushing my glasses into my face. It hurts.
Sweetheart Why don’t you take off your glasses?
Wellhung: OK, but I can’t see very well without them. I place the glasses on the night table.
Sweetheart: I’m bending over the bed. Give it to me, baby!
Wellhung: I have to pee. I’m fumbling my way blindly across the room and toward the bathroom.
Sweetheart: Hurry back, lover.
Wellhung: I find the bathroom and it’s dark. I’m feeling around for the toilet. I lift the lid.
Sweetheart: I’m waiting eagerly for your return.
Wellhung: I’m done going. I’m feeling around for the flush handle, but I can’t find it. Uh-oh!
Sweetheart: What’s the matter now?
Wellhung: I’ve realized that I’ve peed into your laundry hamper. Sorry again. I’m walking back to the bedroom now, blindly feeling my way.
Sweetheart: Mmm, yes. Come on.
Wellhung: OK, now I’m going to put my…you know …thing…in your…you know…woman’s thing.
Sweetheart: Yes! Do it, baby! Do it!
Wellhung: I’m touching your smooth butt. It feels so nice. I kiss your neck. Umm, I’m having a little trouble here.
Sweetheart: I’m moving my ass back and forth, moaning. I can’t stand it another second! Slide in! Screw me now!
Wellhung: I’m flaccid.
Sweetheart: What?
Wellhung: I’m limp. I can’t sustain an erection.
Sweetheart: I’m standing up and turning around; an incredulous look on my face.
Wellhung: I’m shrugging with a sad look on my face, my weiner allfloppy. I’m going to get my glasses and see what’s wrong.
Sweetheart: No, never mind. I’m getting dressed. I’m putting on my underwear. Now I’m putting on my wet nasty blouse.
Wellhung: No wait! Now I’m squinting, trying to find the night table. I’m feeling along the dresser, knocking over cans of hair spray, picture frames and your candles.
Sweetheart: I’m buttoning my blouse. Now I’m putting on my shoes.
Wellhung: I’ve found my glasses. I’m putting them on. My God! One of our candles fell on the curtain. The curtain is on fire! I’m pointing at it, a shocked look on my face.
Sweetheart: Go to hell. I’m logging off, you loser!
Wellhung: Now the carpet is on fire! Oh noooo!
Sweetheart:
Or. Why Condoms Come in Boxes of 3,6, or 12
A man walks into a drug store with his 8-year old son. They happen to walk by the condom display, and the boy asks,
“What are these, Dad?”
To which the man matter-of-factly replies, “Those are called condoms, son…. Men use them to have safe sex.”
“Oh I see,” replied the boys pensively. “Yes, I’ve heard of that in health class at school.” He looks over the display and picks up a package of 3 and asks, “Why are there 3 in this package.”
The dad replies, “Those are for high school boys. One for Friday, one for Saturday, and one for Sunday.”
“Cool!” says the boy. He notices a 6 pack and asks, “Then who are these for?”
“Those are for college men.” the dad answers, “TWO for Friday, TWO for Saturday, and TWO for Sunday.”
“WOW!” exclaimed the boy, “then who uses THESE?” he asks, picking up a 12 pack.
With a sigh, the dad replied, “Those are for the lucky married men. One for January, one for February, one for March……..”
A few months ago, there was an opening with the CIA for an assassin. These highly classified positions are hard to fill, and there’s a lot of testing and background checks involved before you can even be considered for the position.
After sending some applicants through the background checks, training and testing, they narrowed the possible choices down to three persons: two men and one woman, but only one position was available.
The day came for the final test to see which one would get the extremely secretive job. The CIA men administering the test took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained. “Inside this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The man got a shocked look on his face and said, “You can’t be serious! I could never shoot my own wife!”
“Well,” says the CIA man, “you’re definitely not the right man for this job then.”
So they bring the second man to the same door and hand him a gun.
“We must know that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances,” they explained to the second man, “Inside you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill her.”
The second man looked a bit shocked, but nevertheless took the gun and went in the room. All was quiet for about five minutes, then the door opened. The man came out of the room with tears in his eyes. “I tried to shoot her, but I just couldn’t pull the trigger and shoot my wife.
I guess I’m not the right man for the job”.
“No,” the CIA man replied, “You just don’t have what it takes to be an assassin for the CIA. Take your wife and go home.”
Now they turn to the woman for her test. They lead her to the same door to the same room and hand her the same gun.
“We must be sure that you will follow instructions no matter what the circumstances. This is your final test. Inside you will find your husband sitting in a chair. Take this gun and kill him.”
The woman took the gun and opened the door.
Before the door even closed all the way, the CIA man heard the gun start firing. One shot after another for 13 shots. Then all hell broke loose in the room. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. This went on for several minutes, then all went quiet. The door opened slowly, and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow and said,
“You guys didn’t tell me the gun was loaded with blanks! I had to beat him to death with the chair!”
These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating,” which is on a 1 to 10 scale.
One says, “I’d give her a 7. She’s really quite pretty.” Another agrees, and so does the third.
The bartender, while bringing a new round of drinks to their table, overhears their rating of the young lass. He checks her out himself and says, “Nah, I’d only give her a 3.”
“A 3? How can you give her a 3?” says one of the three guys at the table. “She’s a real pretty girl.”
The bartender, walking away, says,”Well, I use the Budweiser method for rating women.”
The guys look at each other, figure the bartender has lousy taste in women, and go back to their ratings. Moments later, another young lady, prettier than the last, walks into the bar, and they confer between themselves and decide she deserves a 9.
However, the bartender, wiping off the table nearest to theirs, again overhears their rating of the gal. He checks her out himself and tells the fellows that he’d only give her a 5.
“A 5? How can you give her just a 5? She’s absolutely gorgeous!”
The bartender casually replies that he uses the Budweiser method for rating women.
“The Budweiser method?” they puzzle, as the bartender returns to his post behind the bar. They are quite confused.
Three, maybe four minutes pass by, and then a stunning blonde, 5′11″ goddess walks into the bar. Long luscious legs, sexy shape. Truly a work of flawless perfection. Without hesitation, the three “judges” at the table determine that this young sultress is, without any doubt, a 10.
However, carrying a case of beer pass them to restock the supply behind the bar, the bartender once more overhears their rating of the girl. He glances studiously at her, and says that the best, the very best that he could give her, would be a 7.
“A 7? How in the world could you give her just a mere 7? She’s gorgeous!”
“Well,” says the bartender again, “I use the Budweiser method for rating women.”
“Budweiser!” says one of the guys, exasperated. “What in the Hell is this ‘Budweiser method’ for rating women?”
“Well, says the bartender, “the Budweiser method for rating women, is the number of Clydesdales it would take to pull me off her.”
A priest was being honoured at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the priest decided to say his own few words while they waited.
‘I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents, embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife, taken illegal drugs, and gave VD to his sister. I was appalled. But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.’
Just as the priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk.
‘I’ll never forget the first day our parish priest arrived,’ said the politician. ‘In fact, I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.’
Moral: Never, never, never be late
)
(via: http://restyo.blogspot.com/
A young blond was so depressed that she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. She went down to the docks and was about to leap into the frigid water when a handsome young sailor saw her tottering on the edge of the pier crying.
He took pity on her and said,”Look, you’ve got a lot to live for. I’m off to Europe in the morning, and if you like, can stow you away on my ship. I’ll take good care of you and bring you food every day. Moving closer he slipped his arm round her shoulder and added, “I’ll keep you happy, and you’ll keep me happy”.
The girl nodded yes. After all, what did she have to lose? That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a lifeboat. From then on every night he brought her three sandwiches and a piece of fruit, and they made passionate love until dawn. Three weeks later, during a routine inspection, she was discovered by the captain.
What are you doing here?” the Captain asked.”
“I have an arrangement with one of the sailors,” she explained. “I get food and a trip to Europe, and he’s screwing me.”
“He sure is, lady,” the Captain said. “This is the Halifax/Dartmouth Ferry”.
A professor at the University of Texas is giving a lecture on the supernatural. To get a feel for his audience, he asks: “How many people here believe in ghosts?”
About ninety students raise their hands.
“Well, that’s a good start. Out of those of you who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you’ve ever seen a ghost?”
About forty students raise their hands.
“That’s really good. I’m really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?”
Fifteen students raise their hands. “That’s a great response. Has anyone here ever touched a ghost?”
Three students raise their hands. “That’s fantastic.
But let me ask you one question further. ”
Have any of you ever made love to a ghost?”
One student WAAAAAY in the back raises his hand. His name was Jeff!
The professor is astonished. He takes off his glasses, takes step back, and says, “Son, all the years I’ve been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed to have slept with a ghost. You’ve got to come up here and tell us about your experience.”
The redneck student replies with a nod and a grin, and begins to make his way up to the podium. As he ambles slowly toward the podium, the professor says,
“Well, tell us what it’s like to have sex with a ghost.”
The student stops, stares and replies, “Ghost?!? Aw Shiiiiiit…From way back there I thought you said “goats”!”
Sadie lost her husband almost four years ago and still hasn’t gotten out of her mourning stage. Her daughter is constantly calling her and urging her to get back into the world.
Finally, Sadie says she’d go out, but didn’t know anyone.
Her daughter immediately replies,”Mama! I have someone for you to meet.”
Well, it was an immediate hit. They took to one another and after dating for six weeks, he asks her to join him for a weekend in the Catskills.
Their first night there, she undresses as he does. There she stood nude except for a pair of black lacy panties, he in his birthday suit.
Looking at her he asks, “Why the black panties?”
She replies, “My breasts you can fondle, my body is yours to explore, but down there I am still in mourning.”
He knows he’s not getting lucky that night.
The following night the same scenario. She’s standing there with the black panties on, and he is in his birthday suit…….. except that on his erection he has a black condom.
She looks at him and asks, “What’s with this…a black condom?”
He replies, “I want to offer my deepest condolences
A refined lady owned a parrot with an over-developed libido. Everyday he would sneak next door and fuck the neighbor’s chickens.
One day, the lady caught him in the act and warned him, “If I catch you doing that again, I’m going to yank out every feather on your head!”
However, the parrot couldn’t resist and the next day was back in the neighbor’s yard fucking a chicken. The lady, suspecting he would, caught him at it and sure enough, she plucked every feather from the top of his head.
The next evening, the lady was having a formal dinner party. She instructed the parrot to sit on the piano and call out to guests entering the dining room, “Ladies on the left; gents on the right.”
So, there he sat, still pouting about his de-feathered dignity, repeatedly calling out to guests, “Ladies on the left, gents on the right.” “Ladies on the left, gents on the right.”
After about an hour of this routine, a bald-headed man and his wife walked into the room. The parrot immediately squawked, “Ladies on the left; and you, you bald-headed chicken fucker, you get up here on the piano with me!”
*** The Morning After ***
< Wife Speaking >
Good morning, my bright international mate,
My outstanding genius in problems of state,
I trust all is clear in the wonderful mind,
Which last night remodeled the whole of mankind.
Your handling of Russia, The Ruhr, Palestine,
And China and Greece; it was masterly fine!
You’re sure to be named as “The man of the year.”
Here’s four or five aspirins — swallow them dear.
Awake my fine songster! It’s well on toward noon,
All morning I’ve waited, just hoping you’d croon.
A measure from “Chloe” or “Deep Rolling Sea”
Which last night you sang till half past three.
You awakened the neighbors, you tripped on the mat,
And one of your props was your hostess’s hat.
I’m sure she will want you again for tonight –
The life of the party whenever you’re tight.
Arise, sweet Prince, but be careful, don’t skid
Arise and consider the things that you did.
The uprooted garden, the splintered garage;
It sounded just like an old-fashioned barrage.
Go see your hostess — and carry a check,
I think if you sign just “Pain in the Neck”
The bank will o.k. it — it would have to be you –
The clown that went beserk “twix dawn and the dew.”
So drink up the seltzer, you chattering drone,
It’s said to be good for the splitting dome.
I wish I were Sandow; how far would I through you,
For the next thirty days, please pretend I don’t know you.
My Juvenile Jackass, my dim-witted duffer,
You say you feel awful? Well, damit, then suffer.
Computers: Male or female? That is the question…
Five reasons to believe computers are female (according to male computerscientists):
However, another group of computer scientists (all female) think that computers should be referred to as if they were male. Their reasons follow:
Five reasons to believe computers are male:
A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can’t sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring.
A few hours after going to bed, the dog is snoring as usual. Finally, unable to sleep, she goes to the closet and grabs a piece of ribbon and ties it around the dog’s testicles, and sure enough, the dog stops snoring. The woman is amazed!
Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep, and begins snoring very loudly.
The woman thinks maybe the ribbon will work on him. So she goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of ribbon, and ties it around her husband’s testicles. Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps very soundly.
The next morning, the husband wakes up very hung over. He tumbles into the bathroom to urinate. As he is standing in front of the toilet, he looks in the mirror and sees a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused, and, as he walks back into the bedroom, he notices a red ribbon attached to his dog’s testicles. He shakes his head, looks down at the dog and says:
“Boy, don’t remember where we were or what we did, but by God, we got first and second place!”
Bad Behavior has blocked 136 access attempts in the last 7 days.
170259 pages viewed, 578 today
Powered by FireStats
