Web That Smut
How to play..
The object of Web That Smut!:
To proceed from a perfectly innocent starting point on the web to… hang on – I’ve got the text of the litigation here somewhere. Aha!- “words and/or images of a prurient nature which violate reasonable standards of good taste in the town and/or county of it’s source or destination of transmission.”
How to Play:
You and your opponent sit at opposite sides of a computer with Internet access and a web browser up and running. Your opponent names a web site. You then offer an opening bid of how many mouse clicks it will take to move from that friendly locale to an image of graphic smut. Just as in the TV original (name that tune), you barter the wager back and forth until one of you loses your nerve.
YOU: I can Web That Smut! in five mouse clicks.
OPONNENT: (after a way pause) Web That Smut!
You then have the agreed upon number of clicks to locate any text or graphics that, when accessed, immediately take your mind’s eye back to the lecture your clergyman gave your entire sunday-school class when he caught your friend staring at the depilatory ads in Woman’s Day.
The Rules of engagement:
1. Any mouse click that activates a link to either a file or another Web Page counts toward the total. Clicks within the scroll bars are free.
2. You cannot hit a site more than once in any one round, but if you need to backtrack, you may do so without penalty. When Web That Smut! is played at championship levels, however, each click on the Back button counts; this is the game’s equivelant of doing the Times crosword puzzle in ink and marks you as one big and crunchy master of Web Naughtiness.
3.Mouse clicks must be limited to the content area of your browser’s window. The ‘what’s new’ and ‘what’s cool’ buttons are verbotten, as is the keyboard – you can’t perform a keyword search.
4.A contestant has Webbed That Smut! when the screen contains an image featuring either nudity, creative forms of counterproductive dress, or text of a prurient nature as described by Senator Exon. For instance, any appearance of the word ‘winnebago’ or ‘turnstyle’ scores an immediate Exon for you or for your team. Merely accessing a file doesn’t count; the text, sound, or imagery must be plain for all to see for the Exon to be recognised by the scorekeeper.
Additional: Web That Smut! the drinking game:
As with all good drinking games, the rule maker had to formulate the rules while drunk, so I downed a whole bottle of Sam Adams Triple Bock and waited for the magic to happen. When my vision returned four days later, I read the resulting manuscript, and I must say I really don’t approve of what I wrote at all. So my advice is to just pop a tape of The Bob Newhart Show into the VCR and try to get a game of ‘Hi, Bob!’ going concurrently.
Solo Web that Smut!:
The solo version of Web That Smut! is a variation I’ve developed entitled
‘Championship Conservative Chain Gang’ According to the original text of
Exon’s Communications Decency Act, distributing offensive materials via
the internet or acting as a means of access to same invites a two-year
jail term. The object of Chain Gang is therefore to change the fate of
the world by getting as many archconservative political figures on a
prison chain gang as possible in one uninterrupted pass, via the web
sites they control. You get points for length as well as the quality of
the chain. Witness my best to date: Beginning at the web page of Uber-Reaganite Dick Arney (http://www.house.gov/arney/), two clicks away brings you to the house of represenatives, headed by Newt Gingrich. Three from there lands you in the flat tax home page, with plenty of links to the conservative world, such as the archconservative Political Newstalk Network, which happily gives you access to the Christian Coalition’s Web Page. Cool! Now we’ve got Ralph reed smashing rocks with Newt and Dick! A deep browse turns up a Q&A articla eby none other than Pat “I Am Not A Televangelist” Robertson, with one and only one link to the outside. Fortunately that’s all wee need, as that crucial link in turn leads us to the Best of the Web contest page. From there, four mouse clicks takes us to the frequently asked questions (FAQ) page of the alt.sex newsgroup, from which startling pictures of women modelling terribly revealing and clearly uncomfortable leather-and-chains ensembles is but one click away.
And the name of that crucial site linking all these conservatives to the Leather Godess? Why, it’s a link to the United States Constitution page at Cornell University.
It’s a pretty cheap irony when you think about it, but I’ll take it anyway.
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