Doug’s Divine Drollery

On a Continental Flight with a very “senior” flight attendant crew, the pilot said, “Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached cruising altitude and will be turning down the cabin lights. This is for your comfort and to enhance the appearance of your flight attendants.”
Heard on a Southwest Airline flight. “Ladies and gentlemen, if you wish to [...]

Employee…..”I’m sorry but I can’t come in today. My doctor says I suffer from Anal Glaucoma.”
Boss……..”Anal Glaucoma? What’s that?”
Employee….”I just can’t see my ass coming to work today !”

The following short quiz consists of 4 questions and it will tell you whether you are qualified to be a professional. Clickpage 2 for the answers. The questions are NOT that difficult.

How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
The Lion King is hosting an animal [...]

Quotes purported to be from actual employee performance evaluations
Li>This employee is really not so much of a has been, but more of a definite won’t be
When he opens his moth, it seems that it is only to change feet
This young lady has delusions of adequacy
Got a full six pack but lacks the plastic thingy to [...]

Pilot Complaint
 
Engineer’s Response or Action

inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
 
Almost replaced left inside main tyre.

Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
 
Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

Something loose in cockpit.
 
Something tightened in cockpit.

Dead bugs on windshield.
 
Live bugs on back-order.

Autopilot in altitude -hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
 
Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

Evidence of leak [...]

As for all of us the day came when William Harley died. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter told him, “You’ve been a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world and given pleasure to many and therefore, as your reward, you can hang out with anyone you want in Heaven.”
The Engineer thought about [...]

A US Air Force C-141 was scheduled to leave Thule Air Base, Greenland at midnight. During the pilot’s preflight check, he discovers that the latrine holding tank is still full from the last flight. So a message is sent to the base, and an airman who was off duty is called out to take care [...]

Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In [...]

Three men were traveling and happened to meet at a restaurant in Ohio. One man was from Texas, one from Florida and one from Canada. They got acquainted and started talking about their problems with their wives.
The guy from Texas began by saying, “I told my wife clearly that from now on she would [...]

A strained voice called out through the darkened theater, “Please, is there a doctor in the house?!”
Several men stood up as the lights came on.
An older lady pulled her daughter to stand next to her, “Good, are any of you doctors single and interested in a date with a nice, Jewish girl?”

Two Newfies go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they’ve forgotten a bottle opener.
The first Newfie turns to the second and says, “You’ve gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer.”
“No way,” says the [...]

A skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this BIG African American guy standing next to him.
The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: “7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown.”
The small [...]

On behalf of Canadians everywhere, I’d like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven’t been getting along very well recently, and for that, I am truly sorry.
I’m sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn’t nice of us to point it out. If it’s [...]

Morris, an 82 year-old man, went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later the doctor saw Morris walking down the street with a gorgeous young lady on his arm.
A couple of days later the doctor spoke to Morris and said, “You’re really doing great, aren’t you?”
Morris replied, “Just [...]

A man was telling his neighbor, “I just bought a new hearing aid. It cost me four thousand dollars, but it’s state of the art. It’s perfect.”
Really,” answered the neighbor. “What kind is it?”
“Twelve thirty.”

Many of us “Old Folks” (those over 40, WAY over 40 or hovering near 40) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We’re unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions.
Despite what you may have [...]

An older lady was somewhat lonely and decided she needed a pet to keep her company. So off to the pet shop she went. She searched and searched. Nothing seemed to catch her interest, except this ugly frog. As she walked by the jar he was in, he looked and winked at her.
He whispered , [...]

A golfer whose cart broke down flagged down a passing bus and got aboard. He sat down on the bus, with his pants pockets full of golf balls, next to a little old lady.
The little old lady kept looking quizzically at him and his bulging pockets. Finally, after many such glances from her he said, [...]