Doug’s Divine Drollery

A Three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom”, he asked, “are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.

Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told [...]

One day a teacher is having her students make up sentences for vocabulary words. She chooses the word contagious.
One little girl raises her hand.
“Alright, Suzie….tell the class your sentence”
Suzie replies, “My cousin had the mumps and that’s very contagious.”
“Very good, Suzie.”
A little boy named Tommy raises his hand.
“Go ahead, Tommy.”
“Chicken Pox is a very [...]

My husband and I divorced over religious differences….. He thought he was God and I didn’t.
I don’t suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.
I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!
Some people are alive only because it’s illegal to kill them.
I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.
Don’t [...]

People who live in glass houses should make love in the basement.
Never read the fine print. There ain’t no way you’re going to like it.
If you let a smile be your umbrella, then most likely your butt will get soaking wet.
The only two things we do with greater frequency in middle age are urinate and [...]

“Transportation in the Middle Ages” by Orson Cart
“Split Personalities” by Jacqueline Hyde
“Home Maintenance” by Duane Pipe
“Growing up in the Balkans” by Hugo Slavia
“Irish Winter Tales” by Pete Moss
“Increase Your Brain Power” by Sarah Bellum
“The Outboard Motor Died” by Rhoda Shore
“Sitting Outside in Ireland” by Paddy O’Furniture
“Our Son, Russell, the Chef” by Mr. & Mrs. Upsumgrub
“Looking [...]

Men are like Bananas
The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like Vacations
They never seem to be long enough.
Men are like Chocolate Bars
Sweet, smooth, they usually head right for your hips.
Men are like Government Bonds
They take soooooooo long to mature.
Men are like Popcorn
They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
Men are [...]

Adagio Fromaggio: To play in a slow and cheesy manner.
AnDante: A musical composition that is infernally slow
Anti-phonal: Referring to the prohibition of cell phones in the concert hall.
A Patella: Unaccompanied knee slapping.
Appologgiatura: A composition you regret playing.
Approximatura: A series of notes played by a performer, not intended by the composer.
Bar Line: What musicians form after [...]

The Wall Street Journal is read by the people who run the country.
The Washington Post is read by people who think they run the country.
The New York Times is read by people who think they should run the country and who are very good at crossword puzzles
USA Today is read by people who think they [...]

Okay, okay! I take it back. Unf–k you.
You say I’m a bitch like it’s a bad thing.
Well this day was a total waste of make-up.
Well, aren’t we a damn ray of sunshine?
Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
Do I look like a people person?
This isn’t an office. It’s hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started [...]

The birds have to use potholders to pull worms out of the ground.
The trees are whistling for the dogs.
The best parking place is determined by shade instead of distance.
Hot water now comes out of both taps.
You can make sun tea instantly.
You learn that a seat belt buckle makes a pretty good branding iron.
The temperature drops [...]

Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we’ll never know for Whom the Tells Bowled.
A man rushed into a busy doctor’s office and shouted “Doctor! I think I’m shrinking!!” The doctor calmly responded, “Now, settle down. [...]

A frog goes into a bank and approaches the teller. He can see from her nameplate that her name is Patricia Whack.
“Miss Whack, I’d like to get a $30,000 loan to take a holiday.”
Patty looks at the frog in disbelief and asks his name.
The frog says his name is Kermit Jagger, his dad is [...]

Those who jump off a bridge in Paris are in Seine.
A backward poet writes inverse.
A man’s home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
Shotgun wedding: A case of wife or death.
A man needs a mistress [...]

Well, Girl Potato and Boy Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, which they called ‘Yam.’ Of course, they wanted the best for yam
When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about going out and getting half-baked, so [...]

Oil Change Instructions For Women

Pull up to Jiffy Lube when the mileage reaches 3000 miles since the last oil change.
Drink a cup of coffee.
15 minutes later write a check and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.

Money Spent
Oil Change $20.00
Coffee $1.00
TOTAL $21.00
Oil Change Instructions For Men

Wait [...]

British Cops have all the fun

A furniture dealer from Newfoundland decided that he wanted to expand the line of furniture in His store, so he decided to go to Paris, France to see what he could find. After arriving in Paris (this being his first trip ever to the French capitol), he met > with some manufacturers [...]

A man who reeked of alcohol flopped on a subway seat next to a priest. The man’s tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of rum was sticking out of his ripped jacket pocket. He noisily opened his newspaper and started reading.
After a few minutes, the disheveled [...]

They’re Back! Church Bulletin Bloopers: Thank God for church ladies with typewriters. These sentences actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced in church services.

Bertha Belch, a missionary from Africa, will be speaking tonight at Calvary Methodist. Come hear Bertha Belch all the way from Africa.
PRAYER & FASTING Conference: “The cost for attending the [...]

A man is stumbling through the woods when he comes upon a preacher baptizing people in the river.
He proceeds to walk into the water and subsequently bumps into the preacher. The preacher turns around and is almost overcome by the smell of alcohol, where upon he asks the drunk,
“Are you ready to find Jesus?” [...]

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s name?”
One child answered, “Mary.”
The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?”
A little kid said, “Verge.”
Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”
The kid said, “Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n’ Mary.

A careful driver is being tailgated by a stressed-out driver on a busy boulevard. Suddenly, the light turns yellow, just in front of him. He does the honest thing, and stops at the crosswalk, even though he could have beaten the red light by accelerating through the intersection.
The tailgating driver hits the roof, and the [...]

A man’s car broke down as he was driving past a beautiful old monastery. He walked up the drive and knocked on the front door. A monk answered, listened to the man’s story and graciously invited him to spend the night.
The monks fed the man and led him to a tiny chamber in [...]

Several centuries ago, the Pope decreed that all the Jews had to convert or leave Italy. There was a huge outcry from the Jewish community, so the Pope offered a deal. He would have a religious debate with the leader of the Jewish community. If the Jews won, they could stay [...]