Doug’s Divine Drollery

A hippie gets on a bus and spies a pretty young nun. He sits down next to her, and asks her: “Can we have s*x?”
“No,” she replies, “I’m married to God.” She stands up, and gets off at the next stop.
The bus driver, who overheard, turns to the hippie and says: [...]

An elderly couple is laying in bed after a party to celebrate their
50th wedding anniversary. Some of guests at the party are sleeping over in the same house.
Says the husband to his wife, “Remember, honey, 50 years ago, on our wedding night? I even cut my finger so that everyone thought you were still a [...]

Question
Answer

Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… don’t waste them on exercise. Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the life of your car [...]

Donald Rumsfeld is giving the president his daily briefing. He concludes by saying: “Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed.”
“OH NO!” Bush exclaims. “That’s terrible!”
His staff sits stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, Bush looks up and asks, “How many is a brazillion?”

Dear Sheila
I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make [...]

Donald Duck and Daisy Duck were spending the night together in a hotel room and Donald wanted to have sex with Daisy.
The first thing Daisy asked was, “Do you have a condom?”
Donald frowned and said “No.”
Daisy told Donald that if he didn’t get a condom, they could not have sex. “Maybe they [...]

A 90-year old man said to his doctor, “I’ve never felt better … I have an 18-year old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think of that?”
The doctor replied, “I have an elderly friend who is a hunter and never misses a season. One day he was in a hurry [...]

My tire was thumping.
I thought it was flat
When I looked at the tire…
I noticed your cat.
Sorry!
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Heard your wife left you,
How upset you must be.
But don’t fret about it…
She moved in with me.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Looking back over the years
that we’ve been together,
I can’t help but wonder…
“What the hell was I thinking?”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Congratulations on your wedding day!
Too bad no one [...]

The family wheeled Grandma out on the lawn, in her wheelchair, where the activities for her 100th birthday were taking place. Grandma couldn’t speak very well but she could write notes when she needed to communicate.
After a short time out on the lawn, Grandma started leaning off to the right, so some family members [...]

A shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. “This is exciting,” thought the gentleman.
“I’ve always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I’ll be able to see him in person.”
Imagine his surprise when the Pope sat down in the seat next to [...]

Coffee (n.), the person upon whom one coughs.
Flabbergasted (adj.), appalled over how much weight you have gained.
Abdicate (v.), to give up all hope of ever having a flat stomach.
Esplanade (v.), to attempt an explanation while drunk.
Willy-nilly (adj.), impotent.
Negligent (adj.), describes a condition in which you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightgown.
Lymph (v.), [...]

DON’T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to “switch tracks”, simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.
CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a p*ss before the film starts.
RAPPERS. Avoid having to say ‘know what I’m [...]

Choosing a wife
A man wanted to get married. He was having trouble choosing among three likely candidates. He gives each woman a present of $5,000 and watches to see what they do with the money.
The first does a total make over. She goes to a fancy beauty salon gets her hair done, new make up [...]

A couple was about to celebrate 50 years together.
Their three kids, all very successful and wealthy, agreed to a Sunday dinner in honour of their parents. As usual, they were all late and had varied excuses.
“Happy anniversary, Mom and Dad,” gushed son number one. “Sorry, I’m running late… I just didn’t have the time to [...]

Way down in the out ports of Newfoundland, Murph’s old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. He brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby. She had a little boy, and the doctor looked over at Murphy and said,
“Hey, Murph! You [...]

A Newfoundlander was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
“I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least 5 pounds.”
When the Newfoundlander returned, he shocked the doctor [...]

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we, Sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas,” Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. “Gaining some weight are [...]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the [...]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the Facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means [...]

Johnny the newfie was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John’s and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said, “Let’s have da fingers and I’ll see what I can do.”
Johnny [...]

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old. When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the [...]

The Associated Press announced recently that Korean scientist Hwang Woo-Suk had successfully cloned a dog for the first time.
Said Hwang, “No big deal. It tasted just like regular dog.”

Van Der Merwe applies for a job at a new South African Government Department.
The interviewer asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
“Yes!” Van says, “…a landmine blew my gonads away!”
“O.K. you’re hired!” the interviewer announces, “Working hours are from 8 till 5 o’clock. Make sure you’re here by 10 every morning!”
Puzzled Van says “8 till [...]

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
“Hello,” said the little boy.
“Hi,” replied the little girl.
“Where are you going?” asked the little boy.
“I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my [...]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide
she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you’ve got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s not there five minutes [...]