Doug’s Divine Drollery

A nun was walking in the convent when one of the priests noticed she was gaining a little weight.
“Gaining a little weight are we, Sister Susan?” he asked.
“No, Father. Just a little gas,” Sister Susan explained.
A month or so later the priest noticed that she had gained even more weight. “Gaining some weight are [...]

A couple was dressed and ready to go out for the evening. They turned on a night light, turned the answering machine on the phone line, covered their pet parakeet and put the cat in the backyard. They phoned the local cab company and requested a taxi. The taxi arrived and the couple opened the [...]

A company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hires a new CEO. This new boss is determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the Facilities, the CEO notices a guy leaning on a wall. The room is full of workers and he wants to let them know he means [...]

Johnny the newfie was working at the fish plant in Carbonear when he accidentally cut off all ten of his fingers. He went to the emergency room in St. John’s and when he got there the doctor looked at Johnny and said, “Let’s have da fingers and I’ll see what I can do.”
Johnny [...]

“Sixty is the worst age to be,” said the 60-year-old man. “You always feel like you have to pee and most of the time you stand there and nothing comes out.”
“Ah, that’s nothing,” said the 70-year-old. When you’re seventy, you don’t have a bowel movement any more. You take laxatives, eat bran, sit on the [...]

The Associated Press announced recently that Korean scientist Hwang Woo-Suk had successfully cloned a dog for the first time.
Said Hwang, “No big deal. It tasted just like regular dog.”

Van Der Merwe applies for a job at a new South African Government Department.
The interviewer asks, “Are you disabled in any way?”
“Yes!” Van says, “…a landmine blew my gonads away!”
“O.K. you’re hired!” the interviewer announces, “Working hours are from 8 till 5 o’clock. Make sure you’re here by 10 every morning!”
Puzzled Van says “8 till [...]

A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
“Hello,” said the little boy.
“Hi,” replied the little girl.
“Where are you going?” asked the little boy.
“I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my [...]

Harry and his wife are having hard financial times, so they decide
she’ll become a hooker.
She’s not quite sure what to do, so Harry says, “Stand in front of that bar and pick up a guy. Tell him a hundred bucks. If you’ve got a question, I’ll be parked around the corner.”
She’s not there five minutes [...]

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is leaning against the headboard smoking a cigarette, with a satisfied smile on its face. The egg, looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says, “Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question.
If anyone needs it explained - read it [...]

Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:59 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was just starting. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde [...]

Why do men become smarter during sex? (because they are plugged into a genius)
Why don’t women blink during sex? (they don’t have enough time)
Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg? (they don’t stop to ask directions)
Why do men snore when they lie on their backs? (because their balls fall over their [...]

Q. What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground?
A. Shoot him again.
Q. How can you tell when a man is well-hung?
A. When you can just barely slip your finger in between his neck & the noose.
Q. Why do little boys whine?
A. Because they’re practicing to be men.
Q. [...]

Men often consider blowing off a woman the most difficult part of the dating process. The closest they ever get to telling a woman it’s over is to look her straight in the eye and say, “I’ll call you next week.”
But now there is a great way to blow a woman off.
It’s safe, it’s affordable, [...]

A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “this is the dumbest kid in the world, watch and I will prove it to you”.
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, [...]