Doug’s Divine Drollery

A woman comes home and tells her husband, “Remember those headaches I’ve been having all these years? Well, they’re gone.”
“No more headaches?” the husband asks, “What happened?”
His wife replies, “Margie referred me to a hypnotist. He told me to stand in front of a mirror, stare at myself and repeat, ‘I do not have a [...]

A couple go for a meal at a Chinese restaurant and order the “Chicken Surprise”. The waiter brings the meal, served in a lidded cast iron pot. Just as the wife is about to serve herself, the lid of the pot rises slightly and she briefly sees two beady little eyes looking around before the [...]

An airplane full of a shipment of Pepsi flying over Africa had a crash.
A few weeks later, Pepsi Company sent a rescue plane.
They searched the area and found a tribe of cannibals. They walked up to the Chief of the tribe and asked him if he knew anything about the crash.
The Chief said, “Yeah.” When [...]

In the dead of summer a fly was resting on a leaf beside a lake. A hot, dry fly who said to no one in particular,
“Gosh…if I go down three inches…I wil feel the mist from the water and I will be refreshed.”
There was a fish in the water thinking,
“gosh…if that fly goes down three [...]

A guy has spent five years traveling all around the world making a documentary on Native dances. At the end of this time, he has every single native dance of every indigenous culture in the world on film. He winds up in Australia, in Alice Springs, so he pops into a pub for a well [...]

The church steeple in Port Gibson is very high and was being painted on a rather hot day. The painter was about half way down and, as the steeple was widening out, was taking more paint. The painter felt that he might not have enough paint to finish. Since he was hot and tired, and [...]

Far away in the tropical waters of the Carribbean, two prawns swiming around in the sea, one called Justin and the other called Christian. Prawns were constantly being harried and threathened by sharks that patrolled the area.
Justin said to Christian, “I’m bored and frustrated being a prawn I wish I was a shark, I wouldnt [...]

After forty years of marriage, Frankenstein and the Bride of Frankenstein came to a standstill in their love life. Each night Frankenstein would come home from work, eat his dinner, and sit in front of the television set until he fell asleep. Dissatisfied with this arrangement, the Bride decided to see a therapist.
“He’s never in [...]

You know that all potatoes have eyes. Well, Mr. and Mrs. Potato had eyes for each other, and finally they got married, and had a little sweet potato, whom they called ‘Yam’.
Of course, they wanted the best for Yam. When it was time, they told her about the facts of life. They warned her about [...]

A man is waiting for wife to give birth. The doctor comes in and informs the dad that his son was born without torso, arms or legs. The son is just a head! But the dad loves his son and raises him as well as he can, with love and compassion. After 21 years, the [...]

Lost on a rainy night, a woman stumbles across a monastery and requests shelter there.
Fortunately, she’s just in time for dinner and was treated to the best fish and chips she’s ever had. After dinner, she goes into the kitchen to thank the chefs.
She is met by two brothers, “Hello, I’m brother Michael and this [...]

How Do You Catch A Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
How Do You Catch A Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path.
What Do Fish Say When They Hit A Concrete Wall?
Dam!
What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice Too Long?
Polaroid’s
What Do You Call A [...]

There’s these two French Legionnaires in the desert, and they’ve been separated from their unit and are lost. They’ve been wandering for several days without food and water and are nearly resigned to the fact that they will soon die from dehydration when, as they reach the top of a sanddune, they see a big, [...]

An Indian chief sends his son off to college. The son comes home with an electrical engineering degree.
The first thing that the chief wants his son to do is to install electric lights in the outhouse as there are too many people stumbling around in the dark. The son installs the lights and is therefore [...]

Two cowboys from Texas walk into a roadhouse to wash the trail dust from their throats. They stand at the bar, drinking their beers and quietly talking about cattle prices. Suddenly a woman at a table behind them, who had been eating a sandwich, begins to cough. After a minute or so it becomes apparent [...]

A man was driving down the road one day and saw the oncoming car hit a rabbit. The man stopped to see how the bunny was. The driver who hit the rabbit stepped out of the car, sprayed the rabbit with something and all of a sudden, the rabbit jumped up, waved, hopped a little [...]

A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, [...]

An old farmer had spent his life collecting tractors: every time one broke down irreparably or became hopelessly out of date, he refused to sell it, instead keeping it in a large barn. He even bought used tractors from other farmers. He worked on them and polished them, treating them like museum exhibits.
Eventually it came [...]

Tony Blair opened a new hospital in Edinburgh. After cutting the ribbon he went on a tour of the wards. He entered a ward filled with patients who did not seem to be suffering from any injury or obvious disability. He greeted a bearded man in a nearby bed, who replied:
“Fair fa’ your honest sonsie [...]

A couple of years ago, the Seattle Symphony was doing Beethoven’s Ninth under the baton of Milton Batter. At this point, you must understand two things:

Bass players hate playing Beethoven’s 9th. There’s a long segment in this symphony where the bass violins don’t have a thing to do… not a single note for page [...]

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, “We don’t serve beer to bears in bars in Billings.”
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, [...]

Three elderly ladies are excited about their first Yankee’s baseball game.
They smuggle a bottle of Jack Daniels into the game. The game is real exciting and they are enjoying themselves drinking the Jack Daniels mixed with soft drinks. Soon they realize that the bottle of Jack Daniels is almost gone and the game has a [...]

Bach once went horse riding and fell off, but he knew quiters never win, so he got up and tried again. He was Bach in the saddle again.
and
At the celebrity costume party, two men showed up as classical musicians. Arnold Schwarzenegger seeing the other, said in his thick Austrian accent, “You be Motzart… I’ll be [...]

A story is told of two German men in the 1870’s who sneaked into the cemetery where Johann Sebastian Bach is buried. You must first understand that there is a rumor that Bach was buried with unfinished scores he was working on when he died, and these men were eager to see if they could [...]

Tired of constantly being broke and stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife, with himself as the beneficiary, and arranging to have her killed.
A “friend of a friend” put him in touch with a nefarious underworld figure who went [...]