Doug’s Divine Drollery

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner, she would like to go out and make love for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex [...]

A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it’s a bad one. Both of their cars are totally demolished but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the woman says, “So … you’re a man. That’s [...]

I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….

she called me to get my phone number.
she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said “concentrate.”
she put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
she tried to put M&M’s in alphabetical order.
she sent me a [...]

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says,
“Before we begin, I’ll need to ask a few questions.” He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
The woman replies, “I’m a whore.”
The accountant balks [...]

There was a man who really took care of his body. One day he took a look in the mirror and noticed that he was tan all over except for his penis. So he decided to do something about it. He went to the beach and got completely undressed and buried himself in the sand, [...]

A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine [...]

It’s your first time. As you lie back your muscles tighten. You put him off for awhile searching for an excuse, but he refuses to be swayed as he approaches you. He asks if you’re afraid and you shake your head bravely. He has more experience, but it is the first time his finger has [...]

Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks,
“What’s that Mommy?”
A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother [...]

An elderly couple is enjoying an anniversary dinner together in a small tavern. The husband leans over and asks his wife, “Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind this tavern where you leaned against the fence and I made love to you from behind?” [...]

A little old lady had always wanted to join a local biker club. One day she goes up and knocks on the door. A big, hairy, bearded biker with tattoo’s all over his arms answers.
She proclaims, “I want to join your club.”
The guy was amused, but says she needs to meet certain biker [...]

A dentist was getting ready to clean an elderly lady’s teeth. He noticed that she was a little nervous, so he began to tell her a story as he was putting on his surgical gloves.
“Do you know how they make these rubber gloves,” he asked.
“No,” she replied.
“Well”, he spoofed, “down in Mexico they have [...]

A concerned husband went to his doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the Doctor, “Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and I always have to repeat things.”
“Well,” the doctor replied, “Go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something [...]

Two old men were sitting on a park bench outside the local town hall where a flower show was in progress. One leaned over the other and said, “Cripes! life is boring, we never have any fun these days.For two bucks, I’d take my clothes off and streak through the flowershow!”
“You’re on!” said the other [...]

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, “You know Mabel, I’vebeen reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm’.
“Mutual orgasm here and ‘mutual orgasm’ there - that’s all they talk about Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was [...]

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tight so that it would not blow off in the wind.
A gentleman approached her and said, “Pardon me, madam, I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high [...]

Two elderly men were eating breakfast in a restaurant one morning.
Ed noticed something funny about Joe’s ear.
He said, “Joe did you know you’ve got a suppository in your left ear?
“I have? A suppository?”
He pulled it out and stared at it, then said:
“Ed, I’m glad you saw this thing. Now I [...]

One day, in line at a company cafeteria, Joe says to Mike behind him, “My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I better see a doctor.”
“Listen, you don’t have to spend that kind of money,” Mike replies. “There’s a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it urine sample and the computer will tell you [...]

CBC Television is developing an Albertan version of “Survivor” the popular TV show. The rules are simple.
Each contestant must travel from Edmonton to Fort McMurray through High Level, Grand Prairie, Peace River, Hinton, Edson, Jasper, Banff, Red Deer,Calgary, Lethbridge, Medicine Hat, Brooks, Drumheller, Lloydminister and back to Edmonton again driving a Volvo with a bumper [...]

A gentleman asked a waiter to take a bottle of Merlot over to an attractive woman. The waiter took the Merlot to the woman and said, “This is from the gentleman seated over there ,” indicating the sender.
She regarded the wine coolly for a second, not looking at the man, and decided to send a [...]

The Canadian Transportation Safety Board recently divulged they had covertly funded a project with auto makers for the past five years, whereby the auto makers were installing black boxes in all vehicles in an effort to determine, in fatal accidents, the circumstances in the last 15 seconds before the crash.
They were surprised to find in [...]

If you don’t live in Canada you probably won’t “get” some of this
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA

Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.
Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
There’s always some sort of deforestation protest going on.

TOP REASONS TO [...]

Three guys were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce and Bluey. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, “Someone should go and tell his wife.”
Bluey says, “OK, I’m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I’ll do it.”
Two hours later, he comes back carrying [...]

Amy, a blond Texas girl from the city, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
“The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow’s [...]

Subject: Symptoms of the H5N1 Bird Flu
The Center for Disease Control has released a list of symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

High fever
Congestion
Nausea
Fatigue
Aching in the joints
An irresistible urge to shit on someone’s windshield.

Three little ducks go into a Bar. Say, what’s your name?” the bartender asked the first duck.
“Huey,” was the reply
“How’s your day been, Huey?”
“Great. Lovely day. Had a ball. Been in and out of puddles all day. What else could a duck want?” said Huey.
Oh. That’s nice,” [...]