Doug’s Divine Drollery

15 Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse/partner is taking their sweet time:

Get 24 boxes of condoms and randomly put them in people’s carts when they aren’t looking.
Set all the alarm clocks in Housewares to go off at 5-minute intervals.
Make a trail of tomato juice on the floor leading to the rest rooms.
Walk up [...]

If large breasted women work at Hooters where do one legged women work?

A Senior Christmas
‘Twas the night before Christmas at Rock-Away Rest,
And all of us seniors were looking our best.
Our glasses, how sparkly, our wrinkles, how merry;
Our punch bowl held prune juice plus three drops of sherry.
A bed sock was taped to each walker; in hope
That Santa would bring us soft candy and soap.
We surely were lucky [...]

Two elderly residents, a man and a woman, were sitting alone in the lobby of their nursing home one evening. The old man looked over and said to the old lady, “I know just what you’re wanting. For $5.00 I’ll have sex with you right over there in that rocking chair.”
The old lady looked [...]

An 8-year-old went to her dad and asked him, “Daddy what is sex?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her [...]

This one’s for Stu
A man goes into a butcher’s shop and sees the display cabinet is held up by pigs’ trotters.
He says to the butcher, “Are those REAL pigs trotters?”
And the butcher says…
“No, they’re counterfeit!”

New Oxford English Dictionary definitions

Phrase
Definition

GOING FOR A McSHIT
Entering a fast food restaurant with no intention of buying food, you’re just going to the bog. If challenged by a pimply staff member, your declaration to them that you’ll buy their food afterwards is known as a McShit with Lies.

AEROPLANE BLONDE
One who has bleached/dyed her hair but [...]

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart.
One of the students said to his friend: “I’m sure he has Petry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that.”
The other student says: “No, I don’t think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He [...]