Doug’s Divine Drollery

An American, a Scot and a Canadian were in a terrible car accident. They were all brought to the same emergency room, but all three of them died before they arrived. Just as they were about to put the toe tag on the American, he stirred and opened his eyes. Astonished, the doctors and nurses [...]

A Canadian is walking down the street with a case of beer under his arm.His friend Doug stops him and asks, “Hey Bob! Whacha get the case of beer for?”
“I got it for my wife, eh.” answers Bob.
“Oh!” exclaims Doug, “Good trade.”

An Ontarian wanted to become a Newfie (ie. a Newfoundlander). He went to a [...]

A Cajun was stopped by a game warden in South Louisiana recently with two ice chests of fish, leaving a bayou well known for its fishing. The game warden asked the man,
“Do you have a license to catch those fish?”
The Cajun replied, “Naw, ma fren’, I ain’t got none of dem, fish, no. Dese are [...]

There was a New Brunswicker, a Nova Scotian and a Newfie on death row. The Warden gave them a choice of three ways to die. The first choice was to be shot, the second was to be hung and the third was to be injected with the AIDS virus.
So the New Brunswicker said, “Shoot me [...]

A Jewish father, Moisha, was paid a visit by his eldest son Yitzak…
“Father, I am going to marry!”
His father begins to dance with joy and sing Hava Nagila…”Tell me, is she a good Jewish girl?” says the father. “What is her name?”
“O’Brien,” replies the son… “She’s Catholic…”
“Oy!” says the father…. “But are you happy?”
“I’m very, [...]

You only know three spices: salt, pepper and ketchup.
You design your Halloween costume to fit over a snowsuit.
The mosquitoes have landing lights.
You have more miles on your snow blower than your car.
You have 10 favorite recipes for moose meat.
Canadian Tire on any Saturday is busier than the toy stores at Christmas.
You live in a house [...]

Only in Canada
can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.

Only in Canada
are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.

Only in Canada
do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.

Only in [...]

John O’Riley was a member of the Irish ToastMaster’s Club. One evening during the local club meeting, a contest was held to see who could deliver the best toast. Well it was John O’Riley who won the contest with the following verse:
“Here’s to the best years o’ me life, spent between the legs of me [...]

An American soldier, serving in World War II, had just returned from several weeks of intense action on the German front lines.
He had finally been granted R&R and was on a train bound for London. The train was very crowded, so the soldier walked the length of the train, looking for an empty seat.
The only [...]

Latest news reports advise that a cell of 4 terrorists has been operating in Newfoundland, Canada. Police advised earlier today that 3 of the 4 have been detained. The Newfoundland Provincial Police Commissioner stated that the terrorists Bin Sleepin’, Bin Drinkin’ and Bin Fightin’ — have been arrested on immigration issues. The [...]

Many many years ago
when I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a grown-up daughter
who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
and soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s [...]

How do you know when your staying in a Manitoba hotel?
When you call the front desk and say, “I’ve gotta leak in my sink” the person at the front desk says, “go ahead.”

How can you tell if an Alberta redneck is married?
There is dried chewing tobacco on both sides of his pickup truck.

Did you hear [...]

Stompin’ Tom left Newfoundland and moved to Toronto and bought a donkey from an old farmer for $100. The farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up and said,
“I’m sorry, but I have some bad news… the donkey died last night.”
“Well, den” said Stompin’ Tom, [...]

Calculate the smallest limb diameter on a persimmon tree that will support a 10-pound possum
Which of these cars will rust out the quickest when placed on blocks in your front yard? A ‘65 Ford Fairlane, a ‘69 Chevrolet Chevelle, or a ‘64 Pontiac GTO.
If your uncle builds a still that operates at a capacity of [...]

Benign…………….What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria……………Back door to cafeteria.
Barium……………..What you do with dead folks.
Cesarean Section…….A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan…………….Searching for the cat.
Cauterize……….Made eye contact with her.
Colic……………A sheep dog.
Coma……………A punctuation mark.
D&C…………….Where Washington is.
Dilate………….To live longer than your kids do.
Enema………….Not a friend.
Fester…………Quicker than someone else.
Fibula…………A small lie.
G.I.Series………World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail………..What you hang your coat on.
Impotent………..Distinguished, well [...]

Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists, breaking the dog’s neck.
A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the [...]

Tony Blair opened a new hospital in Edinburgh. After cutting the ribbon he went on a tour of the wards. He entered a ward filled with patients who did not seem to be suffering from any injury or obvious disability. He greeted a bearded man in a nearby bed, who replied:
“Fair fa’ your honest sonsie [...]

President George W. Bush called Prime Minister Jean Chretien with a pressing emergency; “Our largest condom factory has exploded,” the American President cried: “My people’s favourite form of birth control! This is a disaster!”
“George, da Canajian pipple would be ‘appy to do anyt’ing wit’in der power to ‘elp you,” replied the Prime Minister.
“I [...]

A Polish lad married a Canadian girl after he had been in Canada a year or so and, although his English was far from perfect, they got on very well until one day he rushed into a lawyer’s office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him - “very [...]

Q. Have you heard hear that the Campbell government of British Columbia has arrested an al-Qaeda operative who they believe is responsible for the province’s slumping economy?
A. His name is NoSalmon Badloggin’

An Irishman had been drinking at a pub all night. The bartender finally said that the bar is closing. So the Irishman stood up to leave fell flat on his face. He tried to stand one more time; same result. He figured he’ll crawl outside and get some fresh air and maybe that will [...]

You know you are in Vancouver if you:

Feel guilty throwing aluminum cans or paper in the trash.
Use the expression “sun break” and know what it means.
Know more than 10 ways to order coffee.
Know more people who own boats than air conditioners.
Feel overdressed wearing a suit to a nice restaurant.
Stand on [...]

You know you are in Vancouver When:

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
You make over $250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.
You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
You’ve been to more than one baby shower that has two mothers and [...]

An Irish priest is driving down to New York and gets stopped for speeding in Connecticut. The state trooper smells alcohol on the priest’s breath and then sees an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.
He says, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
“Just water,” says the priest. [...]

Brenda O’Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door.
“Brenda, may I come in?” he asks. “I’ve something’ to tell ya.”
“Of course you can come in, you’re always welcome, Tim. But where’s my husband?”
“That’s what I’m here to be tellin’ ya, Brenda. There was an accident down [...]