Doug’s Divine Drollery

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake.
By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the
forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down.
This, of [...]

The Hormone Hostage knows that there are days in the month when all a man has to do is open his mouth & he takes his life in his own hands! This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver’s license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend, or significant other!
DANGEROUS: [...]

A man doing market research on Vaseline knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“And if you don’t mind [...]

A couple made a deal that whoever died first would come back and inform the other of the afterlife. Their biggest fear was that there was no afterlife.
After a long life, the husband was the first to go, and true to his word he made contact, “Connie….Connie. ”
“Is that you, Joe?”
“Yes, I’ve come back like [...]

I don’t know if you guys shop at Costco but this may be useful to know.
A `heads up’ for you and any friends you have who may be regular Costco customers.
Over the last month I have become a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get the family’s groceries has [...]

A woman walks into her accountant’s office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes. The accountant says: “Before we begin, I’ll need to ask you a few questions.”
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc, and then asks, “What is your occupation?”
“I’m a whore,” she says.
The accountant balks and says, “No, [...]

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room and he said to her,
“Just so you know, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, just pull the plug.”
His wife got up, unplugged the TV and computer and threw [...]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus She noticed the manopposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained [...]

The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a great chest you have.”
He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.”
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, “What massive calves you have.”
The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.”
He then removes his underwear and the blonde [...]

A wife was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband’s key in the door. “Stay where you are,” she said. “He’s so drunk he won’t even notice you’re in bed with me.”
Sure enough, the husband lurched into bed none the wiser, but a few minutes later, through a drunken haze, he saw [...]

The Pope was having a shower. Although he is very strict about the celibacy rules, he occasionally felt the need to exercise the right wrist, and this was one of these occasions.
Just as he reached the Papal climax he saw a photographer taking a picture of the holy seed flying through the [...]

Being gay is not natural. Real Americans always reject unnatural things like eyeglasses, polyester, and air conditioning.
Gay marriage will encourage people to be gay, in the same way that hanging around tall people will make you tall.
Legalizing gay marriage will open the door to all kinds of crazy behavior. People may even wish to marry [...]

A husband goes home and says to his wife, “Do you know what GST stands for?”
She said, “No.”
He said, “It means Good Sex Tonight.”
She said, “Oh, really.”
He said, “Yeah, what are my chances?”
She said, “About 7%.”
(for non-Canadians - GST stands for Goods and Services Tax and it is currently 7%)

John walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says, “Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache.”
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies, “I think you’ll find that’s a sheep, you idiot.”
The man says, “I think you’ll find I wasn’t [...]

Your houseplants are alive, and you can’t smoke any of them.
Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
6:00 AM is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
You watch the Weather Channel.
Your friends marry and [...]

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:
“Y’know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we’s ready [...]

A man overhears one old Italian man talking to another. He hears him say:
“Firs’ Emma come. Den I come. Den two es come. Den I comagain. Den two es comagain. Den I peepee. Den I comagain.”
The young man goes up to him and says: “You have a pretty impressive sex life for a man of [...]

One day a Newfie, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
It’s certainly not a ship, he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from [...]

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional.
“Y’know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much [...]

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, ….. you might live in Saskatchewan.
If you’re proud that your province makes the national news 96 nights each year because Prince Albert is the coldest [...]

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, “Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties.
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labour she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. “Diesel [...]

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
You make over $ 250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.
You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
You’ve been [...]

One dark night two newfies left the bar after a long drinking session, jumped in their car and started it. Just as they were about to leave, an old man tapped lightly at the passenger window.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s a face of a ghost there!”
The driver pushed his foot down on [...]

Bud and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander, NFLD. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too, Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet [...]

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, [...]