Doug’s Divine Drollery

I was in a car dealership a while ago, when a large motor home was towed into the garage. The front of the vehicle was in dire need of repair and the whole thing generally looked like an extra in “Twister”. I asked the manager what had happened. He told me that the driver had [...]

A company trying to continue its five-year perfect safety record showed its workers a film aimed at encouraging the use of safety goggles on the job. According to Industrial Machinery News, the film’s depiction of gory industrial accidents was so graphic that twenty-five workers suffered minor injuries in their rush to leave the screening room. [...]

I was checking out at the local Foodland with just a few items and the Lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one Of those “Dividers” that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn’t get mixed. After the girl [...]

Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”
Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they’ll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and [...]

August 1998 - Montevideo, Uruguay - Paolo Esperanza,bass-trombonist with the Simphonica Mayor de Uruguay, in a misplaced moment of inspiration, decided to make his own contribution to the cannon shots fired as part of the orchestra’s performance of Tchaikovsky’s 1812 Overture at an outdoor children’s concert. In complete seriousness he placed a large, [...]

I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
Do you need some help?” I asked.
She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can’t get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenient store) would have a battery [...]

A lady at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. When inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM “thingy”.

Forrest Gump
Life is like a Box of chocolates…

Forrest Dahmer
People are like a box of chocolate, YUM!

Forrest Simpson
Mmmmm, choolate

Forrest the Hun
Chocolate all mine!

Forrest Simmons
Chocolate is bad!, EXERCISE EXERCISE!

Forrest Rivera
People who like Chocolate..Next on ‘Forrest’

Forrest Jackson
Little kids like my box of chocolates

Forrest Hefner
Keep the chocolate, lose the box.

Forrest Shakespeare
Chocolate, or no chocolate that’s the question

Forrest Of [...]

Recent research shows that there are 7 kinds of sex:

Smurf Sex: This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.
Kitchen Sex: This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you [...]

Paganism in Minnesota
or,
The Wiccan-Shaman-Druid Song
Lyrics by Eran (with help from Roisin)
to the tune of “I’m a Yankee Doodle Dandy”

I’m a Wiccan-Shaman-Druid,
I am new age through and through.
Decked in crystals from my head to toe,
With feathers and pyramids, too.
My spirit-guide is from [...]

Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change.
The courage to change the things I cannot accept,and the
wisdom to hide the bodies of those people I had to kill today
because they pissed me off and also, help me to be careful
of the toes I step on today, as they may be connected [...]

(Sung to the tune of Rawhide)
Loading, loading, loading,
Damn this Java coding,
Feeling of forboding, Reload!
The Applet says it’s running,
And that big grey block is stunning,
But the screen remains as blank as my mind
Netscape crash, Boot ‘em up!
Net goes down, Dial back! Logging on,
Still off-line! Reload!
Try it now, [...]

Come and listen to a story ’bout a man named Jed,
A poor college kid, barely kept his family fed,
But then one day he was talking to a recruiter,
Who said, “they pay big bucks if ya work on a computer…”
Windows, that is… PC’s… Workstations…
Well, the first thing ya know ol’ Jed’s an Engineer.
The kinfolk said “Jed, [...]

(Sung to the tune of “The Beverly Hillbillies”)
Come and listen to my story ’bout a man named John,
A poor ex-marine with little fraction gone,
It seems one night after gettin’ with the wife,
She lopped off his [...]

New words for an old song From The Sound of Musics
Maalox and nosedrops and needles for knitting’,
Walkers and handrails and new dental fittin’s,
Bundles of magazines tied up with string,
These are a few of my favorite things.
Cadillacs, cataracts, hearing aids, glasses,
Polident, Fixodent, false teeth in glasses,
Pacemakers, golf carts and porches with swings,
These are a few of [...]

A soldier emerged from a copse of trees and saw a nun walking along the road. Breathless and flustered, he asked, “Please Sister, may I hide under your skirts for a few minutes. I’ll explain why later.”
The nun appeared very confused by his request but took pity on him and agreed.
A moment later two [...]

A Fairy told a married couple: “For being an exemplary married couple for 25 years I will give you a wish”
“I want to travel around the world with my dearest husband,” said the wife.
he Fairy moved her magic stick and abracadabra! two tickets appeared in her hands.
Now it was the husband’s turn. He thought for [...]

Ma was in the kitchen fiddling around when she hollers out.
Pa! You need to go out and fix the outhouse!”
Pa replies, “There ain’t nuthin wrong with the outhouse.”
Ma yells back, “Yes there is, now git out there and fix it.”
So Pa mosies out to the outhouse, looks around and yells back, “Ma! There ain’t nuthin [...]

A businessman sends a fax to his wife:
“To My Dear Wife,
You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you with your 54 years can no longer supply. I am very happy with you and value you as a good wife. Therefore after reading this fax, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret [...]

Marriage (Part I)
Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:
“I’ll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want-and I don’t expect any hassle from you I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that [...]

A husband looking through the paper came upon a study that said women use more words than men. Excited to prove to his wife that he had been right all along when he accused her of talking too much, he showed her the study results.
It read: “Men use about 15,000 words per day, but women [...]

Drug
Description

st. mom’s wort:
plant extract that treats mom’s depression by rendering preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

emptynestrogen
highly effective suppository that eliminates melancholy by enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and how you couldn’t wait till they moved out.

peptobimbo
liquid silicone for single women. two full cups [...]

An old man lived alone in Ireland. He wanted to dig his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison for bank robbery. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament.
Shortly, he received this reply, “For HEAVEN’S SAKE Dad, [...]

A husband and wife were having a fine dining experience at their exclusive country club when this stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big kiss, says she’ll see him later and walks away.
His wife glares at him and says, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” replies the husband, “she’s my mistress.”
“Well, that’s [...]

A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan. They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She [...]