Doug’s Divine Drollery

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s [...]

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands. On their wedding night, she told her new husband, “Please be gentle; I’m still a virgin.
“What?” said the puzzled groom. “How can that be if you’ve been married ten times?
Well she replied it’s like this:

was a Sales Representative; he kept telling me how [...]

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop in San Francisco’s Chinatown. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs.
“Twelve dollars for the rat, sir,” says [...]

“A young person is approached by the devil, who shows him the two paths in life to follow (the straight and narrow and well, you know…). He also shows him hell, to which, as we all know, the latter path leads. The young person observes masses of people enjoying all manner of earthly pleasures, possessing [...]

A defense attorney was cross-examining a police officer during a felony trial - it went like this:
Q. Officer, did you see my client fleeing the scene?
A. No sir, but I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender running several blocks away.
Q. Officer, who provided this description?
A. The officer who responded to the [...]

The following is apparantly an actual question given on a University of Washington chemistry mid-term.
The answer by one student was so “profound” that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well :
Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) [...]

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, “Father, may I ask a favour?”
“Of course. What may I do for you?”
“Well, I bought an expensive electronic hair remover that is well over the Customs limits and I’m afraid they’ll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it [...]

Little Johhny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
“Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
She was [...]

Reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are questions actually asked of witnesses by attorneys during
trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

“Now doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn’t know about it until the next morning?”
“The youngest son, the twenty-year old, [...]

Following a distinguished legal career, a man arrived at the Gates of Heaven, accompanied by the Pope, who had the misfortune to expire on the same day. The Pope was greeted first by St. Peter, who escorted him to his quarters. The room was somewhat shabby and small, similar to that found in a low-grade [...]

What do lawyers use for birth control? * Their personalities.
What is the difference between a tick and a lawyer? * A tick falls off of you when you die.
Why does the law society prohibit sex between lawyers and their clients? * To prevent clients from being billed twice for what is essentially the [...]

A doctor vacationing on the Riviera met an old lawyer friend and asked him what he was doing there.
The lawyer replied, “Remember that lousy real estate I bought? Well, it caught fire, so here I am with the fire insurance proceeds. What are you doing here?”
The doctor replied, “Remember that lousy real estate [...]

A woman went to her doctor for advice. She told the physician that her husband had developed a penchant for anal sex, and she wasn’t sure it was such a good idea.
The Doctor asked, “Do you enjoy it?”
She said that she did.
He asked, “Does it hurt you?”
She said “no ”
The Doctor then [...]

A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, “My mom is a doctor!”
Sarah stood up and said, “My father is a professor!”
Little Johnny stood up and said, “My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!”
The teacher couldn’t believe what she’s had just [...]

A lawyer defending a man accused of burglary tried this creative defense:
“My client merely inserted his arm into the window and removed a few trifling articles. His arm is not himself, and I fail to see how you can punish the whole individual for an offence committed by his limb.”
“Well put,” the judge replied. [...]

For three years, the young attorney had been taking his brief vacations at this country inn. The last time he’d finally managed an affair with the innkeeper’s daughter. Looking forward to an exciting few days, he dragged his suitcase up the stairs of the inn, then stopped short. There sat his lover with [...]

A man was chosen for jury duty who really wanted to be dismissed from serving. He tried every excuse he could think of but none of them worked. On the day of the trial, he decided to give it one more shot. As the trial was about to begin, he asked if he [...]

A guy walks into a post office one day to see a middle-aged, balding man standing at the counter methodically placing “Love” stamps on bright pink envelopes with hearts all over them. He then takes out a perfume bottle and starts spraying scent all over them.
His curiosity getting the better of him, he [...]

One day, there was this lawyer who had just bought a new car, and he was eager to show it off to his colleagues, when all of a sudden an eighteen wheeler came out of nowhere and took of the driver’s side door with him standing right there. “NOOO!” he screamed, because he knew that [...]

Two small boys, not yet old enough to be in school, were overheard talking at the zoo one day.
“My name is Billy. What’s yours?” asked the first boy.
“Tommy,” replied the second.
“My Daddy’s an accountant. What does your Daddy do for a living?” asked Billy.
Tommy replied, “My Daddy’s a lawyer.”
“Honest?” asked [...]

A pick pocket was up in court for a series of petty crimes.
The judge said “Mr. Banks you are hereby fined $100.”
The lawyer stood up and said “Thanks, my lord, however my client only has $75 on him at this time, but if you’d allow him a few minutes in the crowd. . [...]

The scene is the darkest jungle in India. Two tigers are stalking through the jungle when the one in the rear suddenly reaches out with his tongue and licks the butt of the one in front.
The lead tiger turns and says, “Hey, cut it out, alright.”
The other tiger says sorry and they continue [...]

Lorenzo Dow, an evangelist of the last century, was on a preaching tour when he came to a small town one cold winter’s night. He entered the local general store to get some warmth, and saw the town’s lawyers gathered around the pot-bellied stove, discussing the town’s business. Not one offered to allow Dow into [...]

An attorney was sitting in his office late one night, when Satan appeared before him. The Devil told the lawyer, I have a proposition for you. You can win every case you try, for the rest of your life. Your clients will adore you, your colleagues will stand in awe of you, and you [...]

A man was sent to Hell for his sins. As he was being taken to his place of eternal torment, he saw a lawyer making passionate love to a beautiful woman. What a ripoff, the man muttered. I have to roast for all eternity, and that lawyer gets to spend it with a beautiful woman. [...]