Doug’s Divine Drollery

A woman goes to the doctor for her yearly physical.
The nurse starts with certain basic items.
“How much do you weigh?” she asks.
“115,” she says.
The nurse puts her on the scale. It turns out her weight is 140.
The nurse asks, “Your height?”
“5 foot 8,” she says.
The nurse checks and sees that she only measures 5′ [...]

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of [...]

Greater attention to the deployment of medical research funding must be given to ensure a proper spending balance between the physical and mental conditions of the human species. It is important that the long term implications of all drugs and surgical procedures be fully considered.
An apparent current imbalance and it’s anticipated result is illustrated [...]

From the THE NEW MEXICAN, Santa Fe, NM, newspaper, Monday 3/6/95 Mark Oswald, staff writer, reporting in his column, Capitol Chronicle, on the two-month ‘95 New Mexico legislative session.

During discussion by the Senate of a serious piece of legislation concerning the psychology profession last week, Sen. Duncan Scott, R-Albuquerque, proposed an amendment. It says:
“When a [...]

A man comes into the ER and yells “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady’s dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he’s in the wrong one.

A nurse [...]

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She [...]

Two men are in a doctor’s office. Each of them are to get a vasectomy.
The nurse comes into the room & tells both men
“Strip & put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done.”
A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one [...]

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgsicle.
Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resources
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed [...]

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he [...]

“Doc, you’ve gotta help me… my wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?”
“Look, I can’t prescribe…”
“Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly [...]

Three surgeons were chatting at a medical conference. The English surgeon explained, “We had a chap caught in a printing press at a factory last year. All that was left of him was his little finger. Our team of surgeons constructed a new hand and built a new arm, engineered a new body and [...]

In the hospital, a patient’s relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
“I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
“The only hope left for your loved one at [...]

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Yuppie: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: I have your test results. You’ve 24 hours to live.
Yuppie: 24 hours! Oh God Doc, that’s awful! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news Doc?
Doctor: Well there’s something [...]

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a mammogram.
“Ok” I said, let’s do it.”
“Stand up [...]

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.
The surgeon said: “You are in luck! I am an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours.”
So Sam came back in four hours [...]

A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
“I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should [...]

Harlez-vous francais: Can you drive a french motorcycle?
Veni, vipi, vici: I came, I’m a very important person, I conquered
Cogito eggo sum: I think; therefore I waffle.
Rigor morris: The cat is dead.
Respondez s’il vous plaid: Honk if you’re scottish.
Que sera serf: Life is feudal.
Le roi est mort. jive le roi: The king is dead. no kidding.
[...]

If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary [...]

If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down.
Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women [...]

so many men, so few who can afford me.
God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends.
If They Don’T Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’T Going.
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men. . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
Don’T Treat Me Any Differently [...]

Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help.
Buy a subscription to “Sleazoid Weekly” and send it to your boss’s wife.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Do [...]

1945
1999

NCO’s had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports
everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done

we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home
they put the real thing in the cockpit

your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive
she is in the [...]

Anarchy rules!
Free with purchase
Happy Monday
One size fits all
Slow children” (sign with a picture of a running child
Thank God I’m an Atheist
This page intentionally left blank
A little big
Academic sorority
Accordion music
Accurate stereotype
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Aerobic exercise
Affirmative action, equal opportunity
Aging yuppie
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
American beer
American chop suey
American culture
American education
American English
American geographers
American history
American Honda
Americans
Apple tech support
Arms limitation
Art student
Artificial intelligence
Athletic scholarship
Australian [...]

1970
2000

Long Hair
Longing for hair

The perfect high.
The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Acid Rock.
Acid Reflux.

Moving to California because it’s cool.
Moving to California because it’s warm.

Growing pot.
Growing pot belly.

Douglas Street bridge.
Dental bridge.

Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents.
Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your children.

Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Trying NOT to look like [...]