Doug’s Divine Drollery

Include Your Children When Baking Cookies
Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Experts Say
Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers
Drunks Get Nine Months in Violin Case
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Prostitutes Appeal to Pope
Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over
British Left Waffles on Falkland Islands
Teacher Strikes Idle Kids
Clinton Wins Budget; More Lies Ahead
Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe [...]

Before - You take my breath away.
After - I feel like I’m suffocating.
Before - Twice a night.
After - Twice a month.
Before - She loves the way I take control of a Situation.
After - She called me a controlling, manipulative, egomaniac.
Before - Ricky & Lucy.
After - Fred & Ethel.
Before - Saturday Night Live.
After - Monday Night [...]

When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn’t you
Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.
Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell [...]

Make race car noises when anyone gets on or off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to the other passengers.
Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: “Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP !”
Whistle the first seven notes of “It’s a Small World” [...]

Ask to borrow his comb then comb your tongue.
Take random objects in his office and glue them to the floor.
Refuse to co-operate unless he trades his trousers.
Bring pots and pans. Bang them together when he asks a question you don’t like.
After everything he says, say, “And how does that make you feel?” [...]

Well, aren’t we just a ray of fucking sunshine?
Not the brightest crayon in the box now, are we?
A hard-on doesn’t count as personal growth.
Do I look like a fucking people person?
This isn’t an office. It’s Hell with fluorescent lighting.
If I want to hear the pitter-patter of little feet, I’ll put [...]

As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement and then carefully note their reaction:
“Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. [...]