On being Canadian
As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement and then carefully note their reaction:
“Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he’s all chippy and everything, calling me a “shit disturber” and what not. What could I say, except, “Sorry, EH!”
If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they’re one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once.
The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19 different Canadianisms - in order (for any non-Canadians who are wondering):
- pogey: EI (Employment insurance). Money provided by the government for not working.
- mickey: A small bottle of booze (13 oz) (A Texas mickey, on the other hand, is a ridiculously big bottle of booze, which, despite the name, is still a Canadianism through and through.)
- C.C.: Canadian Club, a brand of rye. Not to be confused with “hockey stick,” another kind of Canadian Club.
- beer parlour: Like an ice cream parlour, but for Canadians.
- skidoo: Self-propelled decapitation unit for teenagers.
- muskeg: Boggy swampland.
- duplex: A single building divided in half with two sets of inhabitants, each trying to pretend the other doesn’t exist while at the same time managing to drive each other crazy; metaphor for Canada’s French and English.
- deke: Used as a verb, it means “to fool an opponent through skillful misdirection.” As a noun, it is used most often in exclamatory constructions, such as: “Whadda deke!” Meaning, “My, what an impressive display of physical dexterity employing misdirection and guile.”
- chinook: An unseasonably warm wind that comes over the Rockies and onto the plains, melting snow banks in Calgary but just missing Edmonton, much to the pleasure of Calgarians.
- Mountie: Canadian icon, strong of jaw, red of coat, pure of heart. Always get their man! (See also Pepper spray, uses of.)
- snuck: To have sneaked; to move, past tense, in a sneaky manner; non-restrictive extended semi-gerundial form of “did sneak.” (We think.)
- ghost car: An unmarked police car, easily identifiable by its inconspicuousness.
- impaired: A charge of drunk driving. Used both as a noun and as an adjective (the alternative adjectival from of “impaired” being “pissed to the gills”).
- S.O.L.: Shit outta luck; in an unfortunate predicament.
- Stanfields: Men’s underwear, especially Grandpa-style, white cotton ones with a big elastic waistband and a large superfluous flap in the front. And back!
- toque: Canada’s official National Head Apparel, with about the same suave sex appeal as a pair of Stanfields.
- chippy: Behaviour that is inappropriately aggressive; constantly looking for a reason to find offense; from “chip on one’s shoulder.” (See Western Canada) shit disturber: (See Quebec) a troublemaker or provocateur. According to Katherine Barber, editor in Chief of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary, “shit disturber” is a distinctly Canadian term. (Just remember that Western Canada is chippy and Quebec is a shit disturber, and you will do fine.)
