Doug’s Divine Drollery

She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
She’s not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a [...]

Smarties
Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp
The size of our football fields and one less down
Baseball is Canadian
Lacrosse is Canadian
Hockey is Canadian
Basketball is Canadian
Apple pie is Canadian
Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers’ ass
Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin’ Donuts’ ass
In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back…past their ‘White House’. Then we burned it… and [...]

Arachnoleptic fit (n.)The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
Beelzebug (n.):Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little [...]

THINGY (thing-ee) n.

Female……Any part under a car’s hood.
Male……….The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.

VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.

Female……Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
Male………..Playing football without a cup.

COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.

Female……The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
Male………..Leaving a note before taking off for the weekend with the boys.

COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n

Female……A desire to get [...]

Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen [...]

Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper,99 copies.
In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
Specify that your drive through order is “to go.”
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
Insist [...]

Over a gynecologist’s office “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
On a Plumber’s truck “We repair what your husband fixed.
On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
Pizza shop slogan “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
Outside a muffler shop “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
In [...]

Castro finally dies at age 112; Cuban cigars can now be imported legally but President Chelsea Clinton has banned all smoking.
Spotted Owl plague threatens Western North America crops & livestock.
Last remaining Fundamentalist Muslim dies in the American Territory of the Middle East (formerly known as Iran, Iraq, Syria, and Lebanon)
Afghanistan still closed off; physicists estimate [...]

People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is, buddy … where the heck is yours? Do I point at my crotch when I ask where the bathroom is?
People in the supermarket check out line who wait until their entire bill is rung up before [...]

If you and I were squirrels, could I bust a nut in your hole?
I’d like to wrap your legs around my head and wear you like a feed bag.
If it’s true that we are what we eat, I could be you by morning!
How do you like your eggs: poached, scrambled, or fertilized?
I was about to [...]