Doug’s Divine Drollery

What do orcs have for blood?
(Warning - this is a bad pun but I’ve learnt to live with them.)

She was in the kitchen doing the boiled eggs for breakfast. He walks in and asks “What’s for breakfast?”
She turns to him and says, “You’ve got to make love to me this very moment”.
He, thinking it’s his lucky day, stands her over the kitchen table and they have sex.
Afterwards he says, “What was that [...]

Women are like apples on trees. The best ones are at the top of the tree.
Most men don’t want to reach for the good ones because they are afraid of falling and getting hurt. Instead, they sometimes take the apples from the grounds that aren’t as good, but easy.
The apples at the top think [...]

When you have an “I Hate My Job” day, try this:
On your way home from work, stop at your pharmacy and go to the thermometer section and purchase a rectal thermometer made by Johnson & Johnson.
Be very sure you get this brand.
When you get home, lock your doors, draw the curtains and Disconnect [...]

Watch this

Don’t buy a putter until you’ve had a chance to throw it.
Never try to keep more than 30 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
When your shot has to carry over a water hazard, you can either hit one more club or two more balls.
If you’re afraid a full shot might reach the green [...]

Dear Connie,
I know the counselor said we shouldn’t contact each other during our “cooling off” period, but I couldn’t wait anymore. The day you left, I swore I’d never talk to you again. But that was just the wounded little boy in me talking. Still, I never wanted to be the first one to make [...]

The following sign is from a golf course in Saskatoon, Saskatchewan

Back straight, knees bent, feet shoulder width apart
Form a loose grip
Keep your head down
Avoid a quick backswing
Stay out of the water
Try not to hit anyone
If you’re taking too long, please let others go ahead of you
Don’t stand directly in front of others
Quiet [...]

My husband, being unhappy with my mood swings, bought me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to monitor my moods.
We’ve discovered that when I’m in a good mood, it turns green.
When I’m in a bad mood, it leaves a big fucking red mark on his forehead.
Maybe next time he’ll buy [...]

A big shot attorney who spent a couple of days in the hospital was a royal pain to the nurses. He bossed them around just like he did his office staff. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who would stand [...]

One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed [...]