Doug’s Divine Drollery

Harlez-vous francais: Can you drive a french motorcycle?
Veni, vipi, vici: I came, I’m a very important person, I conquered
Cogito eggo sum: I think; therefore I waffle.
Rigor morris: The cat is dead.
Respondez s’il vous plaid: Honk if you’re scottish.
Que sera serf: Life is feudal.
Le roi est mort. jive le roi: The king is dead. no kidding.
[...]

If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary [...]

If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down.
Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women [...]

so many men, so few who can afford me.
God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends.
If They Don’T Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’T Going.
My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
Coffee, Chocolate, Men. . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
Don’T Treat Me Any Differently [...]

Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
Braid the hairs in each nostril.
Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help.
Buy a subscription to “Sleazoid Weekly” and send it to your boss’s wife.
Dance naked in front of your pets.
Do [...]

1945
1999

NCO’s had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports
everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done

we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home
they put the real thing in the cockpit

your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive
she is in the [...]

Anarchy rules!
Free with purchase
Happy Monday
One size fits all
Slow children” (sign with a picture of a running child
Thank God I’m an Atheist
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A little big
Academic sorority
Accordion music
Accurate stereotype
Act naturally
Advanced BASIC
Aerobic exercise
Affirmative action, equal opportunity
Aging yuppie
Airline food
Almost exactly
Alone together
American beer
American chop suey
American culture
American education
American English
American geographers
American history
American Honda
Americans
Apple tech support
Arms limitation
Art student
Artificial intelligence
Athletic scholarship
Australian [...]

1970
2000

Long Hair
Longing for hair

The perfect high.
The perfect high yield mutual fund.

Acid Rock.
Acid Reflux.

Moving to California because it’s cool.
Moving to California because it’s warm.

Growing pot.
Growing pot belly.

Douglas Street bridge.
Dental bridge.

Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents.
Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your children.

Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Trying NOT to look like [...]

Get boxes of condoms, randomly put them in people’s carts when they’re not looking.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restroom.
Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone “I think we have a Code 3 in [...]

Good: You’re wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.
Good: Your son’s finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your [...]

At age 4…success is….not peeing in your pants.
At age 12…success is….having friends.
At age 16…success is….having a drivers license.
At age 20…success is….having sex.
At age 35…success is….having money.
At age 50…success is….having money.
At age 60…success is….having sex.
At age 70…success is….having a drivers license.
At age 75…success is….having friends.
At age 80…success is….not peeing in your pants.

You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”
Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
You [...]

Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
If it’s zero degrees outside [...]