Doug’s Divine Drollery

A married couple went to the hospital together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he had invented a new machine that would transfer a portion of the mother’s labor pain to the father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. They were both very much in favor of [...]

Greater attention to the deployment of medical research funding must be given to ensure a proper spending balance between the physical and mental conditions of the human species. It is important that the long term implications of all drugs and surgical procedures be fully considered.
An apparent current imbalance and it’s anticipated result is illustrated [...]

From the THE NEW MEXICAN, Santa Fe, NM, newspaper, Monday 3/6/95 Mark Oswald, staff writer, reporting in his column, Capitol Chronicle, on the two-month ‘95 New Mexico legislative session.

During discussion by the Senate of a serious piece of legislation concerning the psychology profession last week, Sen. Duncan Scott, R-Albuquerque, proposed an amendment. It says:
“When a [...]

A man comes into the ER and yells “My wife’s going to have her baby in the cab!” The ER physician grabs his stuff, rushes out to the cab, lifts the lady’s dress, and begins to take off her underwear. Suddenly he notices that there are several cabs, and he’s in the wrong one.

A nurse [...]

She has no rigors or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She [...]

Two men are in a doctor’s office. Each of them are to get a vasectomy.
The nurse comes into the room & tells both men
“Strip & put on these gowns before going in to see the doctor to have your procedures done.”
A few minutes later she returns & reaches into one [...]

Tongue depressors taste faintly of Fudgsicle.
Pedal-powered dialysis machines.
Annual breast exam conducted at Hooters.
You swear you saw salad tongs and a crab fork on the instrument tray just before the anesthesia kicked in.
You ask for Viagra. You get a Popsicle stick and duct tape.

TO: Medical Personnel
FROM: Human Resources
It has come to our attention from several emergency rooms that many EMS narratives have taken a decidedly creative direction lately. Effective immediately, all members are to refrain from using slang and abbreviations to describe patients, such as the following.
Cardiac patients should not be referred to with MUH (messed [...]

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he [...]

“Doc, you’ve gotta help me… my wife just isn’t interested in sex anymore. Haven’t you got a pill or something I can give her?”
“Look, I can’t prescribe…”
“Doc, we’ve been friends for years. Have you ever seen me this upset? I am desperate! I can’t think; I can’t concentrate; my life is going utterly [...]

Three surgeons were chatting at a medical conference. The English surgeon explained, “We had a chap caught in a printing press at a factory last year. All that was left of him was his little finger. Our team of surgeons constructed a new hand and built a new arm, engineered a new body and [...]

In the hospital, a patient’s relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
“I’m afraid I am the bearer of bad news,” he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
“The only hope left for your loved one at [...]

Doctor: I have some bad news and some very bad news.
Yuppie: Well, might as well give me the bad news first.
Doctor: I have your test results. You’ve 24 hours to live.
Yuppie: 24 hours! Oh God Doc, that’s awful! What could be worse? What’s the very bad news Doc?
Doctor: Well there’s something [...]

For years and years they told me,
Be careful of your breasts.
Don’t ever squeeze or bruise them.
And give them monthly tests.
So I heeded all their warnings,
And protected them by law.
Guarded them very carefully,
And always wore a bra.
After 30 years of astute care,
My gyno, Dr. Pruitt,
Said I should get a mammogram.
“Ok” I said, let’s do it.”
“Stand up [...]

Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.
The surgeon said: “You are in luck! I am an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours.”
So Sam came back in four hours [...]