Doug’s Divine Drollery

We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling “woo-hoo!” is truly the sexiest dance move around.
We’ve suddenly decided that we want to kick someone’s ass and honestly believe we could do it too.
On our last trip to pee, we realize that [...]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not [...]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a big drop-off and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. [...]

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,”Yum! I smell maple syrup!”
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says “Yum! I smell [...]

A Japanese physician says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German physician says, “That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him [...]

The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts? ”
He then asked his mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars “Well [...]

Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.
“Arch, it’s all going grand,” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night…
Archie nods approvingly.
“I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.
“A [...]

Coors put its slogan, “Turn it loose,” into Spanish, where it was read as “Suffer from diarrhea.”
Scandinavian vacuum manufacturer Electrolux used the following in an American campaign: “Nothing sucks like an Electrolux.”
Clairol introduced the “Mist Stick,” a curling iron, into German only to find out that “mist” is slang for manure. Not [...]

We all know that it is a sin for an Islamic male to see any woman other than his wife naked, and that he must commit suicide if he does.
So next Sunday at 4:00 PM Eastern time, all Australian women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any [...]

A man came home from work, sat down in his favourite chair, turned on the TV, and said to his wife, “Quick, get me a beer before it starts.”
She looked a little puzzled but brought him the beer. When he finished it, he said, “Quick, bring me another beer. It’s gonna start soon.”
This time she [...]

The United States Postal Service has created a stamp with a picture of President George W. Bush to honour his first term achievements.
Unfortunately, the stamp has not been sticking to the envelopes. This has enraged the President, who has demanded a full investigation into the matter. After a month of testing, a special Presidential [...]

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in “fashion sense.”
The man walks up to him and says, “I didn’t know you were into earrings.”
“Don’t make such a [...]

Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don’t have a good partner, you’d better have a good hand.” — Woody Allen
“Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night. — Rodney Dangerfield
“There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL.”– [...]

ARE YOU A BITCH?????
Some friends were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.
The first guy says “I’m a Y.U.P..P.I.E, you know…. Young, Urban,
Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist”
The second guy says “I’m a D.I.N.K, you know….Double Income, No Kids.”
The third guy says, “I’m a R.U.B., you know…Rich, Urban, Biker.”
They turn to [...]

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. –Frank Zappa
Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep [...]

A right-lane construction closure is just a game to see how many people can cut in line by passing you on the right as you sit in the left lane waiting for the same drivers to squeeze their way back in before hitting the orange construction barrels.
Turn signals will give away your next [...]

Are you feeling old?
If not, consider this:

The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
They have no memory of a time before M-TV.
“New Wave” is their PARENTS musical generation.
Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, the Sex Pistols — are [...]

1) Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and
you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic
friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated
device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite
supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently
eliminating oppression and [...]

The following are reported accounts of actual exchanges between airlines and control towers from around the world sent to me by a commercial pilot acquaintance of mine.

During taxi, the crew of a US Air departure flight to Ft. Lauderdale, made a wrong turn and came nose to nose with a United 727. The irate ground [...]

How can I calculate my body/fat ratio?
Well, if you have a body, and you have body fat, your ratio is one to one. If you have two bodies, your ratio is two to one, etc.

I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life. Is this true?
How could that be true? Your heart is only good for [...]

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Bob’s mini van and headed North. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night.
“I realize it’s terrible [...]

Stage 1 - SMART
This is when you suddenly become an expert on every subject in the known Universe. You know everything and want to pass on your knowledge to anyone who will listen. At this stage you are always RIGHT. And of course the person you are talking to is very WRONG. This makes for [...]

It is well documented that for every minute that you exercise, you add one minute to your life. This enables you at 85 years old to spend an additional 5 months in a nursing home at $5000 per month.
My grandmother started walking five miles a day when she was 60. Now she’s 97 years old [...]

Learn the language you need to get a job in 7 days. (4010 KB wmv file)

Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow speeds.
MS-AAA mysteriously knows where you are and what you ran into before you even call.
Lets you e-mail viruses to jerks who cut you off in traffic.
Sure, you *own* the car — but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is the only one who can figure out how to [...]