Doug’s Divine Drollery

“If you ever see me getting beaten by the police, put down the video camera and come help me.”
–Bobcat Goldthwait
“I’ve been doing the Fonda workout: the Peter Fonda workout. That’s where I wake up, take a hit of acid, smoke a joint, and run to my sister’s house and ask [...]

Oil Shortage, An Explanation … Finally!!
There are a lot of folks who can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada. Well, there’s a very simple answer……
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical. All the oil is in [...]

de to SPAM(tm)
Oh SPAM(tm)! Oh SPAM(tm)! Gourmet delight!
My food by day, my dreams by night.
To carve, to slice, to dice you up -
pureed in a blender and sipped from a cup.
What shining deity from Olympus knelt
down to the earth and hog butt smelt?
Creating then man’s eternal desire
for swine entrails congealed by fire.
On some [...]

A farmer lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day. So one day he called the sheriff’s office and [...]

From the Washington Post Style Invitation, in which it was postulated that English should have male and female nouns, and readers were asked to assign a gender to nouns of their choice and explain their reason.
The best submissions:
SWISS ARMY KNIFE — male, because even though it appears useful for a wide variety of work, it [...]

A fellow bought a new Mercedes and was out on the interstate for a nice evening drive. The top was down, the breeze was blowing through what was left of his hair and he decided to open her up. As the needle jumped up to 80 mph, he suddenly saw flashing red and blue lights [...]

A quiet little man was brought before a judge. The judge looked down at the man and then at the charges and then down at the little man in amazement.
“Can you tell me in your own words what happened?” he asked the man.
“I’m a mathematician dealing in the nature of proof.”
“Yes, go on,” said the [...]

I believe that, in general, women are saner than men. For example: If you see people who have paid good money to stand in an outdoor stadium on a freezing December day wearing nothing on the upper halves of their bodies except paint, those people will be male.
Without males, there would be no such sport [...]

Accept that some days you’re the pigeon, and some days you’re the statue.
Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
Be wary of strong drink. It can make you shoot at tax [...]

The Big Shot Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.
The [...]

An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the [...]

SITUATION ADAPTABILITY EVALUATION FOR MILITARY MID-MANAGEMENT PERSONNEL
This test has been designed to evaluate reactions of mid-management military personnel to various situations. The situations are based on actual case studies from a well-known Class I installation and represent a cross section of test data correlated to evaluate both reaction time to difficult situations as well [...]

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, “I’m fantastic in bed.” That’s Direct Marketing.
You’re at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, “He’s fantastic in bed.” That’s [...]

There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard a noise, so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole.
The cowboy said, “How long have you been down there in that awful hole?”
The Indian replied, “Many moons.”

Many women are afraid of their first mammogram, and even if they have had them before, there is fear. But there is no need to worry. By taking a few minutes each day for a week preceding the exam and doing the following practice exercises, you will be totally prepared for the [...]

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer,he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can [...]

A police officer pulls a guy over for speeding and:
Officer: May I see your driver’s license?
Driver: I don’t have one. I had it suspended when I got my 5th DU.
Officer: May I see the owner’s card for this vehicle?
Driver: It’s not my car. I stole it.
Officer: The car is stolen?
Driver: That’s right. But [...]

Did you hear that a man was found floating in the river with a banana stuck up his butt and a mouthfull of cornflakes ?
They think it was a “cerial killer”

Did you hear that the F.B.I. was investigating dahmer????
They think he might have been selling arms to IRAQ.

When the police raided Dahmer’s house they [...]

What the report SAID (1),
What the report MEANT (2)
(1) While on routine patrol…
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said “SLOW DOWN-DON’T FEED THE PIGS”
(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims [...]

The person in question, a woman as it happens, was pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer. When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said:
“I bet you’re going to sell me a ticket to the Highway Patrolman’s Ball.”
He replied:
“No, Highway Patrolmen don’t have balls.”
There followed [...]

A young man graduated from University of Arkansas with a degree in journalism. His first assignment for the newspaper who hired him was to write a human interest story. Being from Arkansas, he went back to the country to do his research. He went to an old farmer’s house way back in the hills, introduced [...]

Hi kids! I’m Copious Barfon, the leading chef for iffy recipes in the US, and today I’m going to show you how to make a *jumbo size pack of Spam (TM)*, one that’s so BIG you will have enough for you and ALL your friends! But watch out, I can’t guarantee they’ll still be [...]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of [...]

A woman gives birth to a baby, and afterwards, the doctor comes in, and he says, “I have to tell you something about your baby.”
The woman sits up in bed and says, “What’s wrong with my baby, Doctor? What’s wrong???”
The doctor says, “Well, now, nothing’s wrong, exactly, but your baby is a little bit different. [...]

There’s a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear [...]