Doug’s Divine Drollery

When George W. Bush and Laura Bush have sex Dubbya is always the bottom because he only knows how to screw up.

Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she’s going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, “Is this the holiday when you light eight candles?”
“No,” the Jewish girl replies, “that’s Hanukah.”
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, “Is that when you eat those big crackers?”
“No,” the Jewish girl replies, “that’s [...]

Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?”
Murphy said, “I got [...]

Johnny wanted to have sex with a girl in his office .. but she belonged to someone else… One day Johnny got so frustrated that he went up to her and said “I’ll give you a $100 if you let me have sex with you…” but the girl said “NO.” Johnny said “I’ll be fast, [...]

Three guys, a Canadian, Osama Bin Ladin and Uncle Sam are out walking together one day. They come across a lantern and a Genie pops outof it.
I will give each of you each one wish, that’s three wishes total,” says the Genie.
The Canadian says, “I am a farmer, my dad was a farmer, and my [...]

LEVEL 1:
It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is [...]

Computer Science: Write a fifth-generation computer langugae. Using this language, write a computer program to finish the rest of this exam for you.
History: Describe the history of the papacy from its originas to the present day, concentrating on its social, political, economic, religious, and philosophical impact on Europe, America, Asia, and Africa. Be brief can [...]

On pay day, Mr. Goodbar wanted to skor, so he took miss hershey to the Pot O’Gold motel of the corner of Aero and Fifth Avenue to show her some twix.He began to feel her mounds. That was pure almond joy and it made her tootsie roll and made him want to eat more. When [...]

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him some- thing. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the sidewalk, and stopped centimeters from a shop window.
For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said “Look mister, [...]

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in [...]

A policeman had a perfect spot to watch for speeders, but wasn’t getting many. Then he discovered the problem–a 10-year-old boy was standing up the road with a hand painted sign which read “RADAR TRAP AHEAD.” The officer then found a young accomplice down the road with a sign reading “TIPS” and a bucket full [...]

A police officer in a small town stopped a motorist who was speeding down Main Street.
“Officer,” the man began, “I can explain.”
“No explanation needed!” snapped the officer. “I’m going to let you cool your heels in jail until the chief gets back.”
“But, officer, I have to tell you something.” The man tried again.
“Just keep quiet! [...]

by Lame Mango Washington

Most Blues begin, “Woke up this morning.”
“I got a good woman” is a bad way to begin the Blues, ‘less you stick something nasty in the next line, like “I got a good woman, with the meanest face in town.”
The Blues is simple. After you get the first line right, repeat [...]

Taoism: Sh*t happens.
Confucianism: Confucius say, “sh*t happens.”
Buddhism: If sh*t happens, it is not really sh*t.
Zen Buddhism: What is the sound of sh*t happening?
Hinduism: This sh*t happened before
Islam: If sh*t happens, it is the will of Allah.
Protestantism: Let sh*t happen to someone else.
Catholicism: If sh*t happens, you deserved [...]

The plane’s cabin was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant who was just as obviously enjoying himself. He came swishing down the aisle and announced to the passengers, “Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he’ll be landing the big scary plane shortly, lovely people, so if you could just put up [...]

Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who sent a declaration out throughout the country announcing that he was searching for a new head Samurai.
A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked [...]

Rush Limbaugh is riding through farm country when he hears a horrible “thud!” feels a huge bump and the car grinds to a stop.
“What the hell was that?” he asked his driver.
“I just ran over some farmer’s pig.” the driver replied.
So Rush gave his driver some money and instructed his driver to walk up to [...]

A man was walking along the beach and found a bottle. He looked around and didn’t see anyone so he opened it.
A genie appeared and thanked the man for letting him out. The genie said, “For your kindness I will grant you one wish, but only one.”
The man thought for a minute and said, “I [...]

A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in [...]

An Army grunt stands in the rain with a 35 pound pack on his back, 15 lb. weapon in hand, after having marched 12 miles, and says, “This is shit!”
An Army Airborne Ranger stands in the rain with a 45 lb. pack on his back, weapon in hand, a fter having jumped from an airplane [...]

The policeman is making his evening rounds in the small town.
As he slowly drives past a used car lot, he notices two old ladies sitting together in a car. The used car lot had been closed for some time, so the policeman is curious. He stops and walks over.
“Evening, ladies,” [...]

A Jewish woman’s husband dies. He only had $30,000 to his name. After everything was done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left. The friend said, “How can that be?”
The widow said, “Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made [...]

Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
“Mrs. Jones?”; “Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.” She replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. [...]

Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.
“This is my oldest son,Mohammed. He’s 24 years old now.”
“Yes, I remember him as a baby,” says the other mother, cheerfully.
“He’s a martyr now, [...]

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You’re Drunk:

Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
Oh, [...]