Doug’s Divine Drollery

BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) -

This guy says to his buddy, “You’ll never believe what happened last night.”
His buddy says, “Well then, tell me what happened.”
The guy says, “Last night the doorbell rang, and when I opened the door, there was my ex-mother-in-law on the front porch.”
She said, “Can I stay here for a few days?”
I [...]

A guy is walking through a circus fairground one day, when he notices a stunning woman sprawled on the ground unconscious. Kneeling next to the beauty, he lightly slaps her face. No response. Then he rubs her wrists. Nothing. He even tries mouth to mouth. The gorgeous woman does not respond. Finally, the guy takes [...]

A man was getting a haircut prior to a trip to Rome. He mentioned the trip to the barber, who responded, “Why would anyone want to go there. Its crowded and dirty and full of Italians. You’re crazy to go to Rome. So, how are you getting there?”
“We’re taking TWA,” was the reply. “We got [...]

When you are sad
I will get you drunk and help you plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

When you are blue
I’ll try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

When you smile
I’ll know you finally got laid.

When you are scared
I will rag you about it every chance I get.

When you are worried
I will [...]

Every college campus has them. Those uptight, Xerox-copied Ken dolls who prance about campus like God’s gift to the world. They think they’re cool and rebellious by spending their Saturday nights getting plastered and gawking at women who they have about as much chance having sex with as they doing suddenly realizing how [...]

Things to do at Wal-Mart while the spouse/significant other/whoever is taking his/her sweet time!

Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout the day.
Make a trail of orange juice on the floor, leading to the rest rooms.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official [...]

A keen country lad applied for a salesman’s job at a city department store. In fact it was the biggest store in the world - you could get anything there.
The boss asked him, “Have you ever been a salesman before?”
“Yes, I was a salesman in the country” said the lad.
The boss liked the cut of [...]

It was getting a little crowded in Heaven, so God decided to change the admittance policy. The new law was that in order to get into Heaven, you had to have a really bad day on the day that you died. The policy would go into effect at noon the next day.
So, the next day [...]

Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when,this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,
“That’s a karate chop from Korea.”
well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and [...]

A lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a sheriff’s deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy’s expense.
Deputy says, “License [...]

THE PRINCESS
Once upon a time there lived a king. The king had a beautiful daughter, the princess. But there was a problem. Everything the princess touched would melt. No matter what; metal, wood, plastic - anything she touched would melt. Because of this, men were afraid of her. Nobody would dare marry her. The king [...]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.
“Aren’t you going to answer [...]

There are several men in the locker room of a private club after exercising. Suddenly a cell phone that was on one of the benches rings.A man picks it up and the following conversation ensues:
“Hello?”
“Honey, It’s me.”
“Sugar!”
“Are you at the club?”
“Yes.”
“Great! I am at the mall 2 blocks from where you are. I saw a [...]

The service station trade was slow
The owner sat around,
With sharpened knife and cedar stick
Piled shavings on the ground.
No modern facilities had they,
The log across the rill
Led to a shack, marked His and Hers
That sat against the hill.
“Where is the ladies restroom, sir?”
The owner leaning back,
Said not a word but whittled on,
And nodded toward the shack.
With [...]

With an educational background in Physics (in which they taught us the word is always said as though it is capitalized) and an avid fan of cartoon and comic strips, perhaps it was inevitable that I would be compelled to codify those laws of physics which operate (or don’t!)in the cartoon universe. Actually many of [...]

From: Games Magazine (1984)
Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we’re apart. I can be forever [...]

A young man wanted to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart for Valentine’s day, but they had not been dating very long. After careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would strike the right note: romantic but not too personal. Accompanied by his sweetheart’s younger sister, he went to Nordstrom’s and bought a [...]

A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. [...]

Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much… it’s all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the [...]