Doug’s Divine Drollery

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.
The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, “Lord tundering jaisus… up
ahead — it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer
drinkin’ dese here beers!!”
Don’t worry,” Archie said. “We’ll just pull over and finish dese
beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our [...]

Fathers Pietro and George are in a Vatican bathroom using the urinals.
Father Pietro looks at the other priest’s equipment and notices there’s a
Nicoderm patch on the shaft of his rather large penis.
He looks over and says, “Father George, I believe you’re supposed to put that
patch on your arm or shoulder, not down there!”
Father George replies, [...]

A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said , “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to [...]

A wife begins to get a little worried because her husband has not arrived home on time from his regular Saturday afternoon golf game. As the hours pass she becomes more and more concerned until, at 8 p.m., the husband finally pulls into the driveway.
“What happened?” asked the wife. “You should have been home hours [...]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.
One day the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly: “Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?”
“Wait a moment,” Socrates replied. “Before telling me anything I’d like you to pass a little test. It’s [...]

Two old friends were just about to tee off at the first hole of their local golf course when a chap carrying a golf bag called out to them.
“Do you mind if I join you? My partner didn’t turn up.”
“Sure,” they said, “You’re welcome.”
So they started playing and enjoyed the game and the company of [...]

An older man was speeding down the road at 80 mph when he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a Texas Highway Patrol car coming with its lights flashing and siren blaring. Thinking he could outrun the trooper, the man speeded up to 100 mph. Suddenly, he realized his foolishness and pulled over to [...]

If homosexuality is realy an illness then call in sick to work “Hello. Can’t work today, still queer.” ~ Robin Tyler
I’d rather be black than gay because when you’re black you don’t have to tell your mother. ~ Charles Pierce
‘You could move.’ ~ Abigail Van Buren, “Dear Abby,” In response to [...]

A man is dining in a fancy restaurant and there is a gorgeous redhead sitting at the next table. He has been checking her out since he sat down,but lacks the nerve to talk with her.
Suddenly, she sneezes and her glass eye comes flying out of its socket towards the man.
He reflexively reaches out, grabs [...]

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX
An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and [...]

This is the fairy tale that you should have been reading as little girls!
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The Frog said: Elegant Lady, [...]

This story was told by a nurse… and she swears this really happened on her ward. A man suspected of SARs is lying in the hospital bed with a mask over his mouth.
A young auxiliary nurse appears to sponge his face and hands.
“Nurse,” he mumbles from behind the mask, “Are my testicles black?”
Embarrassed the young [...]

I went to the store the other day, and I was in there for only about 5 minutes. When I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a parking ticket.
So I went up to him and said, “Come on, buddy, how about giving a guy a break?” He ignored me and continued writing [...]

Dear Tide:
I’m writing to say what an excellent product you have. I’ve used it since the beginning of married life, when my Mom told me it was the best. In fact, about a month ago, while at my mother-in-law’s house, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. She started to berate me [...]

“Looking back over the years that we’ve been together,I can’t help but wonder what the hell was I thinking!”
“Congratulations on your wedding day! Too bad no one likes your wife.”
“How could two people as beautiful as you have such an ugly baby?”
“I’ve always wanted to have someone to hold, someone to love. After having met [...]

Jim and Mary were both patients in a Mental Hospital.
One day while they were walking past the hospital swimming pool, Mary suddenly jumped into the deep end. She sunk to the bottom and stayed there. Jim promptly jumped in to save her. He swam to the bottom and pulled Mary out. When the medical director [...]

These questions about Australia were posted on an Australian Tourism Website - a Melbourne University Tourism Studies Major working in the summer holidays answered….
In recent issues, we’ve presented some of the goofy questions that US and Canadian National Park staffers have to deal with. Tourists aren’t a lot brighter when they’re down under, either, [...]

Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true they’re suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
“Yes, Bubba, sure is true.” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister [...]

Okay, okay! I take it back. Unfuck you!!!
You say I’m an asshole….. like it’s a bad thing?!
How many times do I have to flush before you go away
Will this day was a total waste of getting up.
Well aren’t we a bloody ray of sunshine?
Don’t bother me, I’m living happily ever after.
Do I look [...]

An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He’d been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the [...]

After a long night of making love, he notices a photo of another man on her nightstand by her bed.
He begins to worry. “Is this your husband?” he nervously asks.
“No, silly,” she replies, snuggling up to him.
“Your boyfriend, then?” he continues.
“No, not at all,” she says, nibbling away at his ear.
“Is it your dad or [...]

A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, [...]