Doug’s Divine Drollery

It doesn’t hurt to take a hard look at yourself from time to time, and this should help get you started.
During a visit to the mental asylum, a man asked the Director what standard they used to determine whether or not a patient should be institutionalized.
“Well,” said the Director, “we fill up a bathtub, then [...]

A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,” the student said, loud enough for many of [...]

At the end of the tax year Revenue Canada sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy many candles. What do you do with the drippings?”
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “we save them up and [...]

On Saturday afternoon, I was sitting in my lawn chair, drinking beer and watching my wife mow the lawn.
The neighbor lady from across the street was so outraged that she came over and shouted at me, “You should be hung!”
I took a drink from my can of Coors Light, wiped the cold foam from my [...]

She’s sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee
Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.
Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.
Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.
And her husband is on the back of the milk carton.
Technorati Tags: jokes, humour, humor

Stolen from Ken

(On an infant’s shirt): Already smarter than Bush.
1/20/09: End of an Error
That’s OK, I Wasn’t Using My Civil Liberties Anyway
Let’s Fix Democracy in This Country First
Bush. Like a Rock. Only Dumber.
You Can’t Be Pro-War And Pro-Life At The Same Time
If You Can Read This, You’re Not Our President
Hey, Bush Supporters: Embarrassed [...]

A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The “Motorist” instantly goes on a [...]

A woman in her fifties is at home, unclothed, happily jumping on her bed, squealing with delight. Her husband watches her for a while and asks, “Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look? What’s the matter with you?”
The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, “I don’t care what you [...]

Money

It can buy a house, but not a home.
It can buy a bed, but not sleep
It can buy a clock, but not time.
It can buy you a book, but not knowledge.
It can buy you a position, but not respect.
It can buy you medicine, but not health.
It can buy you blood, but not life.
It can buy [...]

A dad walks into a market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in [...]

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office [...]

Prospective husband: Do you have a book called
‘Man, The Master of Women’?
Salesgirl: The fiction department is on the other side, sir.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, not PC

There is only one perfect child in the world and every mother has it.
There is only one perfect wife in the world and every neighbor has it
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, not PC

Different Phases of a man:
After engagement: Superman
After Marriage: Gentleman
After 10 years: Watchman
After 20 years: Doberman
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, not PC

It’s funny when people discuss Love Marriage vs Arranged Marriage. It’s like asking someone, if suicide is better or being murdered.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, not PC

Wife: Darling today is our anniversary, what should we do?
Husband: Let us stand in silence for 2 minutes.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, not PC

Why do couples hold hands during their wedding?
It’s a formality just like two boxers shaking hands before the fight begins!
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, not PC

Man: Is there any way for long life?
Dr: Get married.
Man: Will it help?
Dr: No, but the thought of long life will never come.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, not PC

Damn…my shaft is bent.
After 18 holes, I can barely walk.
You really whacked the hell out of that sucker.
Look at the size of his putter.
Keep your head down and spread your legs a bit more.
Mind if I join your threesome?
Stand with your back turned and drop it.
My hands are so sweaty I can’t get a good [...]

A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills [...]

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Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says “John what are you so happy for?”
“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me… [...]

A blind man went to the airport to fly in a small plane and the pilot asked him, “If you’re blind, why do you want to fly?”
And the blind man said, he just wanted to have the experience. So off through the skies they went!
The pilot had a heart attack and passed out and the [...]

Technorati Tags: jokes, humour, humor, not PC, Chinese restaurant

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,” she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well”, she began, “I [...]