Doug’s Divine Drollery

To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
**Please note**, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for [...]

Desperate to know her future, a woman decided to go visit a psychic.
In a dark and gloomy room, gazing at the tarot cards laid out before her, the psychic delivered the bad news.
“There is no easy way to say this so I will be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die [...]

A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
“Is that so?” the first old gentleman [...]

A Tennessee mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.
When she got home, she asked her husband, “What’s a specimen?”
He replied, “Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She’s a nurse.”
The woman went next door and came [...]

Women’s Ass size study
There is a new study just released by the American Psychiatric Association about women and how they feel about their asses. The results are pretty interesting:

5% of women surveyed feel their ass is too big.
10% of women surveyed feel their ass is too small.
The remaining 85% say they [...]

Tools and Their Use

DRILL PRESS: A tall upright machine useful for suddenly snatching flat metal bar stock out of your hands so that it smacks you in the chest and flings your beer across the room, splattering it against that freshly painted part you were drying.
WIRE WHEEL: Cleans paint off bolts and then throws [...]

From Management
Dear Employee:
As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.
Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future.
Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel [...]

We make great commercials here in Canada NSFW
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Oh ya and Terra does make great boots
Technorati Tags: great commercials, Canada, Terra, boots

HEALTH QUESTION & ANSWER SESSION
Q: I’ve heard that cardiovascular exercise can prolong life; is this true?
A: Your heart is only good for so many beats, and that’s it… Don’t waste them on exercise . Everything wears out eventually. Speeding up your heart will not make you live longer; that’s like saying you can extend the [...]

Men are like…..Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you.
Men are like…..Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
Men are like…..Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
Men are like…..Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
Men are like…..Chocolate Bars ….. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right [...]

Here were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.
The first old lady said, “I don’t know ’bout ya’ll, but I’m gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.”
“Why you gonna wear dem?” the other two wanted to know.
The first one replied, “Cause, [...]

A Hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, “How can I help you?”
The farmer said, “I want to get one of those dayvorces.”
The lawyer said. “Do you have any grounds?”
The farmer said, “Yes, I got 40 acres.”
The lawyer said,”No, you don’t understand. Do you have a [...]

A beautiful woman loved growing tomatoes, but couldn’t seem to get her tomatoes to turn red. One day, while taking a stroll, she came upon a gentleman neighbor who had the most beautiful garden full of huge red tomatoes. The woman asked the gentlemen, “What do you do to get your tomatoes so red?”
The [...]

Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that [...]

We’ve all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below…
GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the [...]

When choking on an ice cube, simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat. Presto! The blockage will instantly remove itself.
Avoid cutting yourself slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold while you chop.
Avoid arguments with the Mrs. about lifting the toilet seat by using the sink.
To treat high blood pressure: simply cut [...]

Two men are out fishing at their favourite fishing hole, just fishing quietly and drinking beer.
Almost silently, so as not to scare the fish, Jim says, “I think I’m going to divorce my wife - she hasn’t spoken to me in over 2 months.
Earl continues slowly sipping his beer, then thoughtfully says, “You [...]

So you think you’re having a bad day?

For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in [...]

So you thought police officers didn’t have a sense of humor…
The following were taken off of actual police car videos around the country:

“Relax; the handcuffs are tight because they’re new. They’ll stretch out after you wear them awhile.”
“Take your hands off the car, and I’ll make your birth certificate a worthless document.”
“If you run, you’ll [...]

This is an actual letter sent to American company Proctor and Gamble regarding their feminine products. She really gets rolling after the first paragraph…
Dear Mr. Thatcher,
I have been a loyal user of your “Always” maxi pads for over 20 years and I appreciate many of their features. Why, without the Leak Guard Core(tm) or Dri-Weave(tm) [...]