No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
Two fleas from Detroit had an agreement to meet every winter in Miami for a vacation. One flea gets to Miami and he’s all blue, shivering and shaking, damn near frozen to death! The other flea asks him, ‘What the hell happened
to you?’
The first flea says, ‘I rode down here from Detroit in the mustache of a guy on a Harley.’
The other flea responds saying, ‘That’s the worst way to travel. Try what I do. Go to the Metro airport bar. Have a few drinks. While you’re there, look for a nice stewardess. Crawl up her leg and nestle in where it’s warm and cozy. You’ll be in Miami in no time. It’s the best way to travel that I can think of.’
The first flea thanks the second flea and says he will give it a try next winter.
A year goes by when the first flea shows up in Miami . He is all blue and shivering and shaking again. Damn near frozen to death. The second flea says, ‘Didn’t you try what I told you?’
Yes,’ says the first flea, ‘I did exactly as you said. I went to the Metro airport bar. I had a few drinks. Finally, this nice young stewardess came in. I crawled right up to her warm cozy spot. It was so nice and warm that
I fell asleep immediately. When I woke up, I was back in the mustache of the guy on the Harley!’
Technorati Tags: jokes, humour, humor, funny, comedy, fleas
I’ve just upgraded to WordPress 2.51 please let me know if something isn’t working
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Technorati Tags: How To Identify a Persian Cat, persian, cats, humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, suicide bomber
I promise you cannot read these and not laugh out loud. These are real notes written by parents in a US school district
Spellings have been left intact.
An Alberta woodpecker and a Saskatchewan woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees.
The Alberta woodpecker said Alberta had a tree that no woodpecker could peck.
The Saskatchewan woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.
The Alberta woodpecker was amazed.
The Saskatchewan woodpecker then challenged the Alberta woodpecker to peck a tree in Saskatchewan that was absolutely im-peckable (a term woodpeckers like to use). The Alberta woodpecker expressed confidence, said he could do it and accepted the challenge. So the two flew to Saskatchewan where the Alberta woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called impeckable tree with no problem.
Both woodpeckers were terribly confused How is it that the Saskatchewan woodpecker was able to peck the Alberta tree and the Alberta woodpecker was able to peck the Saskatchewan tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own province????
After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:
(more…)
A Newfoundlander working in Toronto decided to visit the zoo one Saturday. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person’s age. The Newfoundlander was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.
The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. “Is that right?” he asked the boy.
“Oh yes.” the boy said.
The Newfoundlander was very loud in his not believing that this was true.
The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Newfoundlander got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Newfoundlander that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Newfoundlander took him up on the wager.
The elephant looked real close at the skeptic, turned around, raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn’t believe, Turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
The Newfoundlander stumbled back amazed and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, “Gud Lard, me son, he’s right…I’m Farty-two!”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, ethnic humor, Newfoundland
Three Little Pigs went out to dinner one night. The waiter came and took their drink order.
‘I would like a Sprite,’ said the first little piggy.
‘I would like a Coke,’ said the second little piggy.
‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.
The drinks were brought out and the waiter took their orders for dinner.
‘I want a nice big steak,’ said the first piggy.
‘I would like the salad plate,’ said the second piggy.
‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ said the third little piggy.
The meals were brought out and a while later the waiter approached the table and asked if the piggies would like any dessert.
‘I want a banana split,’ said the first piggy.
‘I want a cheesecake,’ said the second piggy.
‘I want beer, lots and lots of beer,’ exclaimed the third little piggy.
‘Pardon me for asking,’ said the waiter to the third little piggy,’
But why have you only ordered beer all evening?’
The third piggy says -
‘Well, somebody has to go ‘Wee, wee, wee, all the way home!
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, pigs
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
**Please note**, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
**Remember**
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, dogs, cats, pet owners
So you think you’re having a bad day?
A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day, carrying a bag of money. She insisted that she must speak with the president of the bank to open a savings account because, “It’s a lot of money!” After much hemming and hawing, the bank staff finally ushered her into the president’s office (the customer is always right!). The bank president then asked her how much she would like to deposit. She replied $165,000! and dumped the cash out of her bag onto his desk.
The president was of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asked her, “Ma’am, I’m surprised you’re carrying so much cash around. Where did you get this money?
The old lady replied, “I make bets”.
The president then asked, “Bets? What kind of bets?”
The old woman said, “Well, for example, I’ll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square.”
“Ha!” laughed the president, “That’s a stupid bet. You can never win that kind of bet!”
The old lady challenged, “So, would you like to take my bet?”
“Sure,” said the president, “I’ll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!”
The little old lady then said, “Okay, but since there is a lot of money involved, may I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM as a witness?”
“Sure!” replied the confident president.
That night, the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again. He thoroughly checked them out until he was sure that there was absolutely no way his balls were square and that he would win the bet.Next morning, at precisely 10:00 am, the little old lady appeared with her lawyer at the president’s office.
She introduced the lawyer to the president and repeated the bet: “$25,000 says the president’s balls are square!”
The president agreed with the bet again and the old lady asked him to drop his pants so they could all see. The president complied.The little old lady peered closely at his balls and then asked if she could feel them. “Well, okay,” said the president, “$25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure.” Just then, he noticed that the lawyer was quietly banging his head against the wall. The president asked the old lady, “What the hell’s the matter with your lawyer?”
She replied, “Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that at 10:00 AM today, I’d have The Bank of Canada’s president’s balls in my hand.”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, not PC
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,” she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty went “Fffff, Fffff, Fffff,” but before he could say “Fuck off,” the Rottweiler ate him!”
Technorati Tags: teacher, stutter, Rottweiler, humour, humor, jokes, not PC
The following was taken from a Florida newspaper:
A man was working on his motorcycle on his patio and his wife was in the house in the kitchen. The man was racing the engine on the motorcycle and somehow, the motorcycle slipped into gear. The man, still holding the handlebars, was dragged through a glass patio door and, along with the motorcycle, dumped onto the floor inside the house The wife, hearing the crash, ran into the dining room and found her husband laying on the floor, cut and bleeding, the motorcycle laying next to him and the patio door shattered. The wife ran to the phone and summoned an ambulance.
Because they lived on a fairly large hill, the wife went down the several flights of long steps to the street to direct the paramedics to her husband. After the ambulance arrived and transported the husband to the hospital, the wife uprights the motorcycle and pushes it outside. Seeing that gas had spilled on the floor, the wife obtained some paper towels, blotted up the gasoline, and threw the towels in the toilet.
The husband was treated at the hospital and was released to come home. After arriving home, he looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He became despondent, went into the bathroom, sat on the toilet and smoked a cigarette. After finishing the cigarette, he flipped it between his legs into the toilet bowl while still seated. The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. She ran into the bathroom and found her husband lying on the floor. His trousers had been blown away and he was suffering burns on the buttocks, the back of his legs and his groin.
The wife again ran to the phone and called for an ambulance. The same ambulance crew was dispatched and the wife met them at the street. The paramedics loaded the husband on the stretcher and began carrying him to the street. While they were going down the stairs to the street accompanied by the wife, one of the paramedics asked the wife how the husband had burned himself. She told them and the paramedics started laughing so hard, one of them tipped the stretcher and dumped the husband out. He fell down the remaining steps and broke his arm. Now THAT ’s a bad day!
So this guy was having dinner with his wife, and being a bit of a wise ass he says to her “I bet you can’t say something that will make me happy and angry at the same time” She takes her time, think about this and then responds “Yours is bigger than your brothers”
This is the fairy tale that you should have been reading as little girls!
Once upon a time, in a land far away, a beautiful, independent, self-assured princess happened upon a frog as she sat, contemplating ecological issues on the shores of an unpolluted pond in a verdant meadow near her castle.
The Frog said: Elegant Lady, I was once a handsome prince, until an evil witch cast a spell upon me. One kiss from you, however, and I will turn back into the dapper, young prince that I am and then, my sweet, we can marry and setup housekeeping in your castle with my mother, where you can prepare my meals, clean my clothes, bear my children, and forever feel grateful and happy doing so.
That night, as the princess dined sumptuously on a repast of lightly sautéed frog legs seasoned in a white wine and onion cream sauce, she chuckled and thought to herself: I don’t fucking think so.
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!”
“That’s absolutely amazing,” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?”
Just send him down here with $1,000″ the boy says. “I’ll get him into the course.” So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
“So how’s Ole Blue doing, son,” his father asks.
“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results with this program that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”
“READ,” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
“Where’s Ole Blue? I just can’t wait to see him talk and read something!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messin’ around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?’
The father says, “I hope you SHOT that crazy dog before he talks to your Mother!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian war party. The Indian Chief proclaims,
“So, you are the great Lone Ranger? In honor of the Harvest Festival, you will be executed in three days. But, before I kill you, I will grant you three requests. What is your first request?”
“I’d like to speak to my horse.” Says The Lone Ranger.
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he’s impressed.
“You have a very fine and loyal horse, but I will still kill you in two days. What is your second request?”
“I’d like to speak to my horse again.” Says The Lone Ranger.
The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger, who whispers in Silver’s ear, and the horse gallops away. As before, Silver takes off across the plains and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening to the Chief’s surprise, Silver again returns- this time with a voluptuous brunette, even more attractive than the blonde. She enters the Lone Ranger’s tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed.
“You are indeed a man of many talents, but I will still kill you tomorrow. What is your last request?”
“I’d like to speak to my horse . . . alone.”
The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger’s tent. Once they’re alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, very slowly and loudly “Listen to me carefully, now for the last time: I said “B-R-I-N-G–P-O-S-S-E!!”
This cowboy rides into an old west town many years ago. He spots the local watering hole and rides his horse over there. He ties the horse up in front of the saloon and then takes a look around.
Then he proceeds to the back of the horse and lifts up his tail and looks around again. Next he kisses the horse right on the ass for a good 20-30 seconds. He releases his lip lock on the horses butt and drops the horses tail. Then he walks into the saloon and orders a whisky from the bartender.
At this time people are looking at him real funny because he now notices that his horse is parked right in front of a big window in the saloon.
The bar tender gives him the drink but first he asks the cowboy “I noticed you getting pretty friendly with your horse there buddy, I know its none of my business, but what the hell are you doing kissing the horse right on the ass?”
The cowboy takes a sip of his drink and then replies “Its simple bartender, I have chapped lips!”
The bartender says “Chapped lips eh? I didn’t know that kissing a horse’s butt cures chapped lips!”
“No, no, no” says the cowboy. “It doesn’t cure chapped lips, but it sure stops you from lickin em!”
On the outskirts of a small town, there was a big, old pecan tree just inside the cemetery fence.
One day, two boys filled up a bucketful of nuts and sat down by the tree, out of sight, and began dividing the nuts.
“One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me,” said one boy. Several dropped and rolled down toward the fence.
Another boy came riding along the road on his bicycle. As he passed, he thought he heard voices from inside the cemetery. He slowed down to
investigate. Sure enough, he heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you, one for me.”
He just knew what it was. He jumped back on his bike and rode off. Just around the bend he met an old man with a cane, hobbling along.
“Come here quick,” said the boy, “you won’t believe what I heard! Satan and the Lord are down at the cemetery dividing up the souls.”
The man said, “Beat it kid, can’t you see it’s hard for me to walk.”
When the boy insisted though, the man hobbled slowly to the cemetery. Standing by the fence they heard, “One for you, one for me. One for you,
one for me.”
The old man whispered, “Boy, you’ve been tellin’ me the truth. Let’s see if we can see the Lord.”
Shaking with fear, they peered through the fence, yet were still unable to see anything. The old man and the boy gripped the wrought iron bars
of the fence tighter and tighter as they tried to get a glimpse of the Lord.
At last they heard, “One for you, one for me. That’s all. Now let’s go get those nuts by the fence and we’ll be done.
They say the old man made it back to town a full 5 minutes ahead of the kid on the bike.
With an educational background in Physics (in which they taught us the word is always said as though it is capitalized) and an avid fan of cartoon and comic strips, perhaps it was inevitable that I would be compelled to codify those laws of physics which operate (or don’t!)in the cartoon universe. Actually many of these aren’t laws, per se, but to physicists everything reduces to physics anyway, so… These are the result of many wasted, er, uh, fruitful hours of watching mayhem ensue on television. However, comments and suggestions for exceptions, corollaries, and lemmings (damn, I meant lemmas) are welcome. And remember, for ‘toons more than anything else, rules are meant to be broken (especially if it makes it funnier).
For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.
“You’ve been such exemplary statues,” he announced to them, “That I’m going to give you a special gift. I’m going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want.” And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.
The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.
“You still have fifteen more minutes,” said the angel, winking at them.
Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, “Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I’ll crap on it’s head.”
A filthy rich man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10ft. man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in”
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, “Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”
“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Leroy.
The rich man said, “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?”
“No thanks. I don’t want it,” answered Leroy.
The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?”
Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, “Well, Leroy, then what do you want?”
Leroy said, “I want the name of the son-of-a-gun who pushed me in the pool.”
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
The Big Shot Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
“I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”
An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, “Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move. Then the farmer hollered, “Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond. Once more the farmer commanded, “Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing. Then the farmer nonchalantly said, “Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.
The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times.
“Well… Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”