No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
To be posted VERY LOW on the refrigerator door - pet nose height.
Dear Dogs and Cats:
The dishes with the paw prints are yours and contain your food. The other dishes are mine and contain my food.
**Please note**, placing a paw print in the middle of my plate and food does not stake a claim for it becoming your food and dish, nor do I find that esthetically pleasing in the slightest.
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm.
For the last time, there is no secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough!
To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
**Remember**
Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, dogs, cats, pet owners
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!”
“That’s absolutely amazing,” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?”
Just send him down here with $1,000″ the boy says. “I’ll get him into the course.” So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
“So how’s Ole Blue doing, son,” his father asks.
“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results with this program that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”
“READ,” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
“Where’s Ole Blue? I just can’t wait to see him talk and read something!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messin’ around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?’
The father says, “I hope you SHOT that crazy dog before he talks to your Mother!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
The stairway was not designed by NASCAR and is not a racetrack. Beating me to the bottom is not the object. Tripping me doesn’t help because I fall faster than you can run.
I cannot buy anything bigger than a king sized bed. I am very sorry about this. Do not think I will continue sleeping on the couch to ensure your comfort. Dogs and cats can actually curl up in a ball when they sleep. It is not necessary to sleep perpendicular to each other stretched out to the fullest extent possible. I also know that sticking tails straight out and having tongues hanging out the other end to maximize space is nothing but sarcasm. For the last time, there is not a secret exit from the bathroom. If by some miracle I beat you there and manage to get the door shut, it is not necessary to claw, whine, meow, try to turn the knob or get your paw under the edge and try to pull the door open. I must exit through the same door I entered. Also, I have been using the bathroom for years –canine or feline attendance is not required.
The proper order is kiss me, then go smell the other dog or cat’s butt. I cannot stress this enough! To pacify you, my dear pets, I have posted the following message on our front door:
To All Non-Pet Owners Who Visit & Like to Complain About Our Pets:
Remember: Dogs and cats are better than kids because they:
The Associated Press announced recently that Korean scientist Hwang Woo-Suk had successfully cloned a dog for the first time.
Said Hwang, “No big deal. It tasted just like regular dog.”
A guy gets a new dog, a nice Jewish dog. So he calls him Irving. He can’t wait to show him off to his neighbor, so when the neighbor finally comes over, the guy calls Irving into the house, bragging about how smart he is.
The dog quickly comes running and stands looking up at his master, tail wagging excitedly, mouth open, tongue hanging out, eyes bright with anticipation.
The guy points to the newspaper by the door and commands “Okay, Irving, Fetch!”
Immediately, the dog climbs on to the couch and sits, his tail wagging furiously. Then all of a sudden, he stops. His doggie smile disappears. He starts to frown and puts on a sour face.
Looking up at his master, he whines, “You think this is easy, wagging my tail all the time? Oy … This constant wagging of the tail puts me in such pain, you should only know! And you think it’s easy eating that dreck you call designer dog food. Forget it…it’s too salty and it gives me gas. And also the runs, but what do you care? Why don’t you try it if you think it’s so good? You try it. Dreck I say! Then you push me out the door to take care of my business, twice a day. It’s disgusting I tell you! And when was the last time you took me for a nice long walk? I can’t remember when!”
The neighbor is absolutely amazed … stunned. In astonishment, he says, “I can’t believe it. Irving can speak. Your dog actually talks. Here he is sitting on the sofa talking to us.”
“I know, I know.” says the owner. “He’s not yet fully trained yet. He thought I said, ‘Kvetch’.”
A man gets into his seat on an airline, as the plane is about ready to take off, when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the two empty seats beside him.
The Lab is situated in the middle and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline. The airline rep says, “Don’t mind Sniffer, he’s a highly trained sniffing dog, in fact the best there is. I’ll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work.”
The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man, “Watch this.” He tells the dog, “Sniffer, search.” Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle and sits next to a woman for a few seconds and then returns to his seat and puts one paw on the handler’s arm. He says, “Good boy.”
The airline rep turns to the first man and says, “That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I’m making a note of this and her seat number for the Police who will apprehend her when we land.”
“Fantastic!” replies the first man.
Once again, he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about and sits down beside a man for a few seconds and then returns to the seat and places both paws on the handler’s arm. The airline rep says, “That man is carrying cocaine, so again, I’m making a note of this and his seat number.”
“I like it,” says the first man.
A third time, the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the aisle and after a while, sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and poops all over the place.
The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from such a supposedly well trained sniffing dog and asks, “What is going on?”
The handler replies nervously, “He just found a bomb.”
A little girl asked her Mom, “Mom, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mom replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk around the block? I asked Mom, but she said the dog was in heat, and to come to you.”
Dad said, “Bring Belle over here.” He took a rag, soaked itwith gasoline, and scrubbed the dog’s backside with it and said,
“I’ve heard that’s supposed to work. Okay, you can go now, but keep Belle on the leash and only go one time around the block.”
The little girl left, and returned a few minutes later with no dog on the leash.
Surprised, Dad asked, “Where’s Belle?”
The little girl said, “She ran out of gas about halfway down the block, so another dog is pushing her home.”
A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”
Adam and Eve said,”Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to remember how much you love us.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever and who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are and will love you as I do, in spite of yourselves.”
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam and Eve. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam and Eve and he wagged his tail.
And Adam said, “Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom and I cannot think of a name for this new animal.”
And God said, “No problem. Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG.”
And Dog lived with Adam and Eve and was a companion to them and loved them.
And they were comforted.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was content and wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that an angel came to the Lord and said, “Lord, Adam and Eve have become filled with pride. They strut and preen like peacocks and they believe they are worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught them that they are loved, but perhaps too well.”
And God said, “No problem! I will create for them a companion who will be with them forever and who will see them as they are. The companion will remind them of their limitations, so they will know that they are not always worthy of adoration.” And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam and Eve.
And Cat would not obey them. And when Adam and Eve gazed into Cat’s eyes, they were reminded that they were not the supreme beings.
And Adam and Eve learned humility.
And they were greatly improved.
And God was pleased.
And Dog was happy.
And Cat didn’t give a shit one way or the other.
Cat: The eternal leather love goddess who enjoys a good slap and tickle, particularly if the noodle is firm and the feather fuschia.
“In dog years I’m dead”
~ Unknown
“Outside of a dog, a book is probably man’s best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.”
~ Groucho Marx.
“Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that is how dogs spend their
lives.”
~ Sue Murphy
“Did you hear about the dyslexic agnostic insomniac who stays up all night wondering if there really is a Dog?”
~ Unknown
“I think animal testing is a terrible idea; they get all nervous and give the wrong answers.”
~ Unknown
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that that he can hold his own in the conversation.”
~ Fran Lebowitz
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
~ Franklin P. Jones
“I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult.”
~ Rita Rudner
“If dogs could talk it would take a lot of the fun out of owning one.”
~ Andy Rooney
“Some days you’re the dog, some days you’re the hydrant.”
~ Unknown
“Don’t accept your dog’s admiration as conclusive evidence that you are wonderful.”
~ Ann Landers
“Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.”
~ Robert A. Heinlein
“When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.”
~ Edward Abbey
“Cat’s Motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.”
~ Unknown
“The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.”
~ Andrew A. Rooney
“If you pick up a starving dog and make him prosperous, he will not bite you; that is the principal difference between a dog and a man.”
~ Mark Twain
“I’ve seen a look in dogs’ eyes, a quickly vanishing look of amazed contempt, and I am convinced that basically dogs think humans are nuts.”
~ John Steinbeck
“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can’t decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.”
~ Rita Rudner
Anne V - 01:01pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1318 of 1332): Okay - I know how to take meat away from a dog. How do I take a dog away from meat? This is not, unfortunately, a joke.
AmyC - 01:02pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1319 of 1332): Um, can you give us a few more specifics here?
Anne V - 01:12pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1320 of 1332): They’re inside of it. They crawled inside, and now I have a giant incredibly heavy piece of carcass in my yard, with 2 dogs inside of it, and they are NOT getting bored of it and coming out. One of them is snoring. I have company arriving in three hours, and my current plan is to 1. put up a tent over said carcass and 2. hang thousands of fly strips inside it. This has been going on since about 6:40 this morning.
AmyC - 01:19pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1321 of 1332): Oh. My. God. What sort of carcass is big enough to hold a couple of dogs inside? Given the situation, I’m afraid you’re not going to be create enough of a diversion to get the dogs out of the carrion, unless they like greeting company as much as they like rolling around in dead stuff. Which seems unlikely. Can you turn a hose on the festivities?
Ase Innes-Ker - 01:31pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1322 of 1332) : I’m sorry Anne. I know this is a problem (and it would have driven me crazy), but it is also incredibly funny.
Anne V - 01:31pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1323 of 1332) : Elk. Elk are very big this year, because of the rain and good grazing and so forth. They aren’t rolling. They are alternately napping and eating. They each have a ribcage. Other dogs are working on them from the outside. It’s all way too primal in my yard right now. We tried the hose trick. At someone elses house, which is where they climbed in and began to refuse to come out. Many hours ago. I think that the hose mostly helps keep them cool and dislodges little moist snacks for them. hose failed. My new hope is that if they all continue to eat at this rate, they will be finished before the houseguests arrive. The very urban houseguests. Oh, ghod - I know it’s funny. It’s appalling, and funny, and completely entirely representative of life with dogs.
Kristen R. - 01:37pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1324 of 1332) : I’m so glad I read this thread, dogless as I am. Dogs in elk. Dogs in elk.
Anne V - 01:41pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1325 of 1332) : It’s like that childrens book out there - dogs in elk, dogs on elk, dogs around elk, dogs outside elk. And there is some elk inside of, as well as on, each dog at this point.
Elizabeth K - 01:57pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1328 of 1333) : Anne, aren’t you in Arizona or Nevada? There are elk there? I’m so confused! We definately need to see pics of Gus Pong and Jake in the elk carcass.
Anne V - 02:03pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1329 of 1333) : I am in New Mexico, but there are elk in both arizona and nevada, yes. There are elk all over the damn place. They don’t look out very often. If you stand the ribcage on end they scramble to the top and look out, all red. Otherwise, you kinda have to get in there a little bit yourself to really see them. So I think there will not be pictures.
CoseyMo - 02:06pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1330 of 1333) : “all red;” I’m not sure the deeper horror of all this was fully borne in upon me till I saw that little phrase.
Anne V - 02:10pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1331 of 1333) : Well, you know, the Basenji (that would be Jake) is a desert dog, naturally, and infamous for it’s aversion to water. And then, Gus Pong (who is coming to us, live, unamplified and with a terrific reverb which is making me a little dizzy) really
doesn’t mind water, but hates to be cold. Or soapy. And both of them can really run. Sprints of up to 35 mph have been clocked. So. If ever they come out, catching them and returning them to a condition where they can be considered house pets is not going to be, shall we say, pleasant.
CoseyMo - 02:15pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1332 of 1333) : What if you stand the ribcage on end, wait for them to look out, grab them when they do and pull?
Anne V - 02:18pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1333 of 1333) : They wedge their toes between the ribs. And scream. We tried that before we brought the elk home from the mountain with dogs inside. Jake nearly took my friends arm off. He’s already short a toe, so he cherishes the 15 that remain.
Linda Hewitt - 02:30pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1336 of 1356) : Have you thought about calling your friendly vet and paying him to come pick up the dogs, elk and letting the dogs stay at the vets overnight. If anyone would know what to do, it would be your vet. It might cost some money, but it would solve the immediate crisis. Keep us posted.
ChristiPeters - 02:37pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1337 of 1356) : Yikes! My sympathy! When I lived in New Mexico, my best friend’s dog (the escape artist) was continually bringing home road kill. When there was no road kill convenient, he would visit the neighbor’s house. Said neighbor slaughtered his own beef. The dog found all kinds of impossibly gross toys in the neighbor’s trash pit. I have always had medium to large dogs. The smallest dog I ever had was a mutt from the SPCA who matured out at just above knee high and about 55 pounds. Our current dog (daughter’s choice) is a Pomeranian. A very small Pomeranian. She’s 8 months old now and not quite 4 pounds. I’m afraid I’ll break her.
Lori Shiraishi - 02:38pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1338 of 1356) : Bet you could fit a whole lot of Pomeranians in that there elk carcass! Anne - my condolences on what must be a unbelievable situation!
Anne V - 02:44pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1339 of 1356): I did call my vet. He laughed until he was gagging and breathless. He says a lot of things, which can be summed as *what did you expect?* and *no, there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog.* He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home. Thanks, Lori. I am almost surrendered to the absurdity of it.
Lori Shiraishi - 02:49pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1340 of 1356) : “He is planning to stop over and take a look on his way home.” So he can fall down laughing in person?
Anne V - 02:50pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1341 of 1356) : Basically, yeah. That would be about it.
AmyC - 02:56pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1342 of 1356): no, there is no such thing as too much elk meat for a dog.” Oh, sweetlord, Anne. You have my deepest sympathies in this, perhaps the most peculiar of the Gus Pong Adventures. You are truly a woman of superhuman patience. wait — you carried the carcass down from themountains with the dogs inside?
Anne V - 02:59pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1343 of 1356) : “the carcass down from the mountains with the dogs inside?” no, well, sort of. My part in the whole thing was to get really stressed about a meeting that I had to go to, and say *yeah, ok, whatever* when it was suggested that the ribcages,
since we couldn’t get the dogs out of them and the dogs couldn’t be left there, be brought to my house. Because, you know - I just thought they would get bored of it sooner or later. But it appears to be later, in the misty uncertain future, that they will get bored. Now, they are still interested. And very loud, one singing, one snoring.
Lori Shiraishi - 03:04pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1344 of 1356) : “And very loud, one singing, one snoring.” wow. I can’t even begin to imagine the acoustics involved with singing from the inside of
an elk.
Anne V - 03:04pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1345 of 1356) : reverb. lots and lots of reverb.
Anne V - 03:15pm Sep 9, 1999 PDT (# 1347 of 1356) :I’ll tell you the thing that is causing me to lose it again and again, and then I have to go back outside and stay there for a while. After the meeting, I said to my (extraordinary) boss, *look, I’ve gotta go home for the rest of the day, I think. Jake and Gus Pong are inside some elk ribcages, and my dad is coming tonight, so I’ve got to get them out somehow.* And he said, pale and huge-eyed, *Annie, how did you explain the elk to the clients?* The poor, poor man thought I had the carcasses brought to work with me. For some reason, I find this deeply funny.
(weekend pause)
Anne V - 08:37am Sep 13, 1999 PDT (# 1395 of 1405) : So what we did was put the ribcages (containing dogs) on tarps and drag them around to the side yard, where I figured they would at least be harder to see, and then opened my bedroom window so that the dogs could let me know when they were ready to be plunged into a de-elking solution and let in the house. Then I went to the airport. Came home, no visible elk, no visible dogs. Peeked around the shrubs, and there they were, still in the elk. By this time, they had gnawed out some little portholes between some of the ribs, and you got the occasional very frightening limpse of something moving around in there if you watched long enough. After a lot of agonizing, I went to bed. I closed the back door, made sure
my window was open, talked to the dogs out of it until I as sure they knew it was open, and then I fell asleep.
Sometimes, sleep is a mistake, no matter how tired you are. And especially if you are very very tired, and some of your dogs are outside, inside some elks. Because when you are that tired, you sleep through bumping kind of noises, or you kind of think that it’s just the house guests. It was’t the house guests. It was my dogs, having an attack of teamwork unprecedented in our domestic history. When I finally woke all the way up, it was to a horrible vision. Somehow, 3 dogs with a combined weight of about 90 pounds, managed to hoist one of the ribcages (the meatier one, of course) up 3 feet to rest on top of the swamp cooler outside the window, and push out the screen.
What woke me was Gus Pong, howling in frustration from inside the ribcage, very close to my head, combined with feverish little grunts from Jake, who was standing on the nightstand, bracing himself against the curtains with remarkably bloody little feet.
Here are some things I have learned, this Rosh Hashanah weekend:
1. almond milk removes elk blood from curtains and pillowcases,
2. We can all exercise superhuman strength when it comes to getting elk carcasses out of our yard,
3. The sight of elk ribcages hurtling over the fence really frightens the nice deputy sheriff who lives across the street, and
4. the dogs can pop the screens out of the windows, without damaging them, from either side.
Anne V - 09:58am Sep 13, 1999 PDT (# 1401 of 1405) : What I am is really grateful that they didn’t actually get the damn thing in the window, which is clearly the direction they were going in. And that the nice deputy didn’t arrest me for terrifying her with elk parts before dawn.
AmyC - 09:59am Sep 13, 1999 PDT (# 1402 of 1405) : Imagine waking up with a gnawed elk carcass in your bed, like a real-life “Godfather” with an all-dog cast.
Anne V - 10:01am Sep 13, 1999 PDT (# 1403 of 1405) : There is not enough almond milk in the world to solve an event of that kind.
1. If I like it, it’s mine.
2. If it’s in my mouth, it’s mine.
3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.
4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.
5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.
6. If I’m chewing something up, all the pieces are mine.
7. If it just looks like mine, it’s mine.
8. If I saw it first, it’s mine.
9. If you are playing with something and you put it down, it automatically becomes mine.
10. If it’s broken, it’s yours
1. Thoroughly clean the toilet.
2. Add the required amount of shampoo to the toilet water and have both lids up.
3. Find the cat and soothe her while you carry her towards the bathroom.
4. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids.
You may need to stand on the lid so that she cannot escape.) The cat will self-agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from your toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this. CAUTION: Do not get any part of your body too close to the edge, as her paws will be reaching out for anything they can find.
5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a “power wash” and “rinse”, which I have found to be quite effective.
6. Have someone open the door to the outside and ensure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door.
7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
8. The now-clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where she will dry herself.
Sincerely,
The Dog