Doug’s Divine Drollery

What the report SAID (1),
What the report MEANT (2)
(1) While on routine patrol…
(2) I was in the car because the coffee shop was closed.
(1) The motorist was operating his vehicle in a reckless manner
(2) He had a bumper sticker that said “SLOW DOWN-DON’T FEED THE PIGS”
(1) The accident scene and the safety of the victims [...]

Hi kids! I’m Copious Barfon, the leading chef for iffy recipes in the US, and today I’m going to show you how to make a *jumbo size pack of Spam (TM)*, one that’s so BIG you will have enough for you and ALL your friends! But watch out, I can’t guarantee they’ll still be [...]

With the possible exception of Santa Claus himself, there is not a busier mammal on the face of the earth than the Easter Bunny. Once a year, the Easter Bunny hops into the home of hundreds of millions of boys and girls all over the globe, dropping off chocolates, candy and eggs as part of [...]

“Sir, my bug spray is so good you will never be bitten again. I guarantee it.”
The farmer was dubious. “Young man, I’ll make you a proposition. I’ll tie you out in my cornfield buck naked, covered with that bug spray. If there is not a single bite on you come morning, I’ll [...]

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.
The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog. [...]

An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
The [...]

One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day’s sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, [...]

A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well”, she began, “I [...]

I have a couple of dogs and was buying several bags of Purina at Wal-Mart.While I was waiting in line,a woman behind me asked if I had a dog.On impulse, I told her no,I was starting The Purina Diet again,although I probably shouldn’t because I ended up in the hospital the last time! But [...]

The pastor entered his donkey in a race and it won. The pastor was so pleased with the donkey that he entered it in the race again, and it won again. The local paper read:
PASTOR’S ASS OUT FRONT
The Bishop was so upset with this kind of publicity that he ordered the pastor not [...]

A mama mole, a papa mole, and a baby mole all live in a little mole hole. One day the papa mole sticks his head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says,”Yum! I smell maple syrup!”
The mama mole sticks her head out of the hole, sniffs the air and says “Yum! I smell [...]

An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges
for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says:
“You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I
can send you a form [...]

A man went to a urologist and told him that he was having a problem and that he was unable to get his penis erect. After a complete exam the doctor told the man that the muscles around the base of his penis were damaged from a prior viral infection and there was nothing he [...]

A farmer had five female pigs. Times were hard, so he decided to take them to the county fair and sell them. At the fair, he met another farmer who owned five male pigs.
After talking a bit, they decided to mate the pigs and split everything 50/50. The farmers lived sixty miles apart. [...]

An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. “What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!” he said to himself.
As he continued walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes. Turning to look, he saw a 7 foot grizzly bear charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could [...]

A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, “Hallelujah!” The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, “Amen!”
The man [...]

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past, looks up and says to the monkey, “Hey! What are you doing?”
The monkey says, “Smoking a joint, come up and have some.” So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few tokes together.
After [...]

Even if you aren’t a skier, you’ll be able to appreciate the humor of the slopes as written in this account by a New Orleans paper.

A friend just got back from a holiday ski trip to Utah with the kind of story that warms the cockles of anybody’s heart.
Conditions were perfect, 12 [...]

Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third said, “I’ve got you both [...]

A police officer approaches a man about a complaint that was filed regarding the man’s dog.
“Excuse me, Sir,” said the officer, “but I have a complaint stating that your dog has been chasing a man on his bicycle.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. officer,” the man said. “My dog doesn’t even know how to ride a bicycle.”

This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like [...]

! A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer to “Where do pets come from?”
Adam and Eve said, “Lord, when we were in the garden, you walked with us every day. Now we do not see you any more. We are lonesome here, and it is difficult for us to [...]

One doctor husband and his wife are having a fight at breakfast table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, “and you are no good in bed either” and storms out of the house. After sometime he realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up. She comes to the [...]

A newlywed farmer and his wife were visited by her mother, who immediately demanded an inspection of the place. The farmer had genuinely tried to be friendly to his new mother-in-law, hoping that it could be a friendly, non-antagonistic relationship. All to no avail though, as she kept nagging them at every opportunity, demanding changes, [...]

A woman went to a pet shop and immediately spotted a large beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.
“Why so little,” she asked the pet store owner.
The owner looked at her and said, “Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house [...]