No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
A man who just died is delivered to a local mortuary wearing an expensive, expertly tailored black suit. The female blonde mortician asks the deceased’s wife how She would like the body dressed. She points out that the man does look good in the black suit he is already wearing.
The widow, however, says that she always thought her husband looked his best in blue, and that she wants him in a blue suit. She gives the blonde mortician a blank check and says, ‘I don’t care what it costs, but please have my husband in a blue suit for the viewing.’
The woman returns the next day for the wake. To her delight, she finds her husband dressed in a gorgeous blue suit with a subtle chalk stripe; the suit fits him perfectly.
She says to the mortician, ‘Whatever this cost, I’m very satisfied. You did an excellent job and I’m very grateful. How much did you spend?’ To her astonishment, the blonde mortician presents her with the blank check.
‘There’s no charge,’ she says.
‘No, really, I must compensate you for the cost of that exquisite blue suit!’ she says.
‘Honestly, ma’am,’ the blonde says, ‘it cost nothing. You see, a deceased gentleman of about your husband’s size was brought in shortly after you left yesterday, and he was wearing an attractive blue suit. I asked his wife if she minded him going to his grave wearing a black suit instead, and she said it made no difference as long as he looked nice.’
‘So I just switched the heads.’
Technorati Tags: blonde, mortician, jokes, humour, humor, blond, comedy, funny
A few days ago I was having some work done at my local garage. A blonde came in and asked for a seven-hundred-ten.
We all looked at each other and another customer asked,
“What is a seven-hundred-ten?”
She replied, “You know, the little piece in the middle of the engine, I have lost it and need a new one.”
She replied that she did not know exactly what it was, but this piece had always been there. The mechanic gave her a piece of paper and a pen and asked her to draw what the piece looked like. She drew a circle and in the middle of it wrote 710. He then took her over to another car which had its hood up and asked
“is there a 710 on this car?”
She pointed and said, “Of course, it s right there.”
As a trucker stops for a red light, a blonde catches up. She jumps out of her car, runs up to his truck, and knocks on the door.
The trucker lowers the window, and she says ‘Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load.’
The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street.
When the truck stops for another red light, the girl catches up again.
She jumps out of her car, runs up and knocks on the door.
Again, the trucker lowers the window. As if they’ve never spoken, the blonde says brightly, ‘Hi my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!’
Shaking his head, the trucker ignores her again and continues down the street.
At the third red light, the same thing happens again.
All out of breath, the blonde gets out of her car, runs up, knocks on the truck door. The trucker rolls down the window. Again she says ‘Hi, my name is Heather, and you are losing some of your load!’
When the light turns green the trucker revs up and races to the next light.
When he stops this time, he hurriedly gets out of the truck, and runs back to the blonde.
He knocks on her window, and after she lowers it, he says…
A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She’d seen many books on the subject, and finally getting all the necessary tools together, she made for the ice.
After positioning her comfy foot stool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice. Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed,
“There are no fish under the ice”
Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole. Again from the heavens the voice bellowed,
“There are no fish under the ice”
The blonde, now worried, moved away, clear down to the opposite end of the ice. She set up her stool once more and tried again to cut her hole. The voice came once more,
“There are no fish under the ice”
She stopped, looked skyward, and said, “Is that you Lord?”
The voice replied,
“No! This is the manager of the hockey rink”
[tag]humor,humour,funny,jokes,comedy,blond jokes, blonde jokes[/tags]
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his Order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the Kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat Tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think This place is . An auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three Pancakes, a pair of Headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running Boards are 2 slices of Crisp bacon.”
“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a Moment and then Spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the Customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for Blondie?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the Flat tires, Headlights And running boards, you might as well gas up!”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, blonde, blond, not PC
A blonde, wanting to earn some extra money, decided to hire herself out as a “handywoman” and started canvassing a nearby well-to-do neighborhood.
She went to the front door of the first house, and asked the owner if he had any odd jobs for her to do.
“Well, I guess I could use somebody to paint my porch,” he said, “How much will you charge me?”
The blonde quickly responded, “How about $50?”
The man agreed and told her that the paint and everything she would need was in the garage.
The man’s wife, hearing the conversation, said to her husband, “Does she realize that our porch goes all the way around the house?”
He responded, “That’s a bit cynical, isn’t it?”
The wife replied, “You’re right. I guess I’m starting to believe all those ‘dumb blonde’ jokes we’ve been getting by e-mail lately.”
A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
“You’re finished already?” the husband asked.
“Yes,” the blonde replied, “and I had paint leftover, so I gave it two coats.” Impressed, the man reached into his pocket for the $50 and handed it to her.
“And by the way,” the blonde added, “it’s not a Porch, it’s a Lexus”.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, blonde, blond, not PC
A trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order. He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.”
The brand new blonde waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards.” “What does he think this place is……An auto parts store?”
“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes, a pair of headlights is two eggs sunny side up, and running boards are 2 slices of crisp bacon.”
“Oh, OK!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer.
The trucker asked, “What are the beans for Blondie?”
She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, the headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”
A blonde woman was speeding down the road in her little red sports car and was pulled over by a woman police officer who was also a blonde.
The cop asked to see the blonde driver’s license. She dug through her
purse and was getting progressively more agitated.
“What does it look like?” she finally asked.
The policewoman replied, “It’s square and it has your picture on it.”
The driver finally found a square mirror in her purse,looked at it and
handed it to the policewoman.
“Here it is,” she said.
The blonde officer looked at the mirror, then handed it back saying,..
“Okay, you can go I didn’t realize you were a cop.
The body builder takes off his shirt and the blonde says, “What a great chest you have.”
He tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.”
He takes off his pants and the blonde says, “What massive calves you have.”
The body builder tells her, “That’s 100 lbs. of dynamite, baby.”
He then removes his underwear and the blonde goes running out of the apartment screaming in fear. The body builder puts his clothes back on and chases after her. He catches up to her and asks why she ran out of the apartment like that.
The blonde replies, “I was afraid to be around all that dynamite after I saw how short the fuse was!”
I knew a blonde that was so stupid that…….
Amy, a blond Texas girl from the city, marries a Texas rancher. One morning, on his way out to check on the cows, the rancher says to Amy,
“The artificial insemination man is coming over to impregnate one of our cows today. I drove a nail into the two-by-four just above the cow’s stall in the barn. You show him where the cow is when he gets here, okay?”
The rancher leaves for the fields. After a while the artificial insemination man arrives and knocks on the front door. Amy takes him down to the barn.
They walk along a long row of cows and when she sees the nail, she tells him, “This is the one . . . right here.”
Terribly impressed by what he assumed was just another ditzy blond, the man asks, “How did you know this is the cow to be bred?”
“That’s simple — by the nail over its stall,” Amy explains.
Then the man asks, “What’s the nail for?”
As she walks away, she turns her head back over her shoulder & says to the man … “I guess it’s to hang your pants on.”
Homer, a handsome dude, walked into a sports bar around 9:59 PM. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV. The 10:00 news was just starting. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at Homer and said, “Do you think he’ll jump?”
Homer says, “You know, I’ll bet he jumps.”
The blonde replied, “Well, I bet he won’t.”
Homer placed $20 on the bar and said, “You’re on!”
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset and handed her $20 to Homer, saying, “Fair’s fair. Here’s your money.”
Homer replied, “I can’t take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o’clock news and knew he would jump.”
The blonde replies, “I did too; but I didn’t think he’d do it again.”
Homer took the money…….
President Bush and Rumsfeld are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, “Isn’t that Bush and Rumsfeld sitting over there?”
The bartender says, “Yep, that’s them.”
So the guy walks over and says, “Wow, this is a real honor! . What are you guys doing in here?”
Bush says, “We’re planning WW III.”
And the guy says, “Really? What’s going to happen?”
Bush says, “Well, we’re going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.”
The guy exclaimed, “A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?”
Bush turns to Rumsfeld and says, “See, I told you no one cares about the 140 million Muslims”.
Mommy, mommy, in class today we did ABC but I said ‘ABCDE’. “Is that because I am blonde?”
“Yes, dear that’s because you’re blonde.”
“Mommy, mommy, we counted one, two, three, but I counted one, two, three, four five, six. Is that because I’m blonde?”
“Yes, dear, it’s because you are blonde.”
“Mommy, mommy, everyone else in the class doesn’t even need a bra, but I wear a “C” cup. Is that because I’m blonde?”
“No, dear. It’s because you’re 22.”
A blind man enters a lesbian bar by mistake.
He finds his way to a bar stool and orders a drink. After sitting there for a while, he yells to the bartender in a loud voice,”Hey bartender,you wanna hear a dumb blonde joke?”
The bar immediately falls deathly quiet.
In a deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says, Before you tell that joke, sir, I think it is just fair, given that you are blind, that you should know five things…
Now, think about it seriously, mister. Do you still want to tell that joke?”
The blind man thinks for a second, shakes his head and says: “Nah. Not if I’m gonna have to explain it five times
Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the craps table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet $20,000 on a single roll of the dice.
She said, “I hope you don’t mind, but I feel much luckier when I’m completely nude.”
With that she stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, “Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!”.
As the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and squealed,
“YES! YES! I WON, I WON! ”
She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her winnings and her clothes and quickly departed.
The dealers stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, “What did she roll?” The other answered, “I don’t know… I thought you were watching.”
THE MORAL OF THE STORY:
Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men.
One blonde asks another: “Which is further, London or the Moon?”
The other replies: “HELLOOOOO, Can you see London from here?????!!!!!”
A blonde goes into Tim Horton’s and notices there’s a “peel up the rim and win” sticker on her coffee cup. So she peels up the rim and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch.”
But the blonde keeps on screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
Finally, the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken. You can’t have possibly won a motor home because we don’t have that as a prize!”
The blonde says, “No, it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!” and she hands the ticket to the manager and HE reads ….
A blonde female police officer pulls over a blonde gal for speeding. She walks up to the car and asks the blond for her driver’s licence.
The blonde driver searches through her purse in vain. Finally she asks, “What does it look like?”
The blonde police officer tells her, “It’s that thing with your picture on it.”
The blonde driver searches for a few more seconds, pulls out her compact, opens it and sure enough sees herself. She hands the compact to the blonde cop.
After a few seconds looking at the compact, the blonde cop rolls her eyes, hands the compact back to the blonde convertible driver and says, “If you would have told me you were a police officer when I first pulled you over, we could have avoided this whole thing.”
A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first NFL game. They had great seats right behind the bench. After the game he asked her how she liked the experience.
“Oh I really liked it,” she said! “Especially the really tight pants and all of the big muscles, but I just couldn’t understand why they were killing each other for 25 cents.”
Dumbfounded her date asked, “What on earth do you mean?”
“Well I saw them flip a coin and one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was: “Get the quarter back! Get the quarter back!”
This blonde decides one day that she was sick and tired of blonde jokes and how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house. The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand.
Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat. He notices that she is wearing a parka and a leather jacket at the same time. He goes over and asks her if she is ok. She replies yes. He asks what she is doing. She replies that she wanted to prove to him that not all blonde women are dumb, and she wanted to do it by painting the house.
He then asks her why she has a parka over her leather jacket. She replies that she was reading the directions on the paint can and it said……… ”
A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. “They’ve stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!” she cries.
The 911 dispatcher says, “Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes.”
Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 dispatcher’s telephone rings a second time, and the same blonde is on the line again.
“Never mind,” giggles the blonde, “I got in the back seat by mistake.”
| What’s black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch? | A brunette who’s told too many blonde jokes. |
| What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette? | Brown-bagging it. |
| What’s the real reason a brunette keeps her figure? | No one else wants it. |
| Why are so many blonde jokes one-liners? | So brunettes can remember them. |
| What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes? | Invisible. |
| What’s a brunette’s mating call? | “Has the blonde left yet?” |
| Why is brunette considered an evil color? | When was the last time you saw a blonde witch? |
| What do brunettes miss most about a great party? | The invitation |
| What do you call a good looking man with a brunette? | A hostage |
| Who makes bras for brunettes? | Fisher-Price |
| Why are brunettes so proud of their hair? | It matches their mustache. |
A young redhead goes into the doctor’s office and reports that her body hurts wherever she touches it.
“Impossible” says the doctor, “show me what you mean.”
So, she takes her finger and pushes her elbow and screams in agony. Then she pushes her knee and screams, and pushes her ankle and screams and so on. Everywhere she touches, she screams.
The doctor says “You are not really a redhead, are you?”
“No” she says, “I’m a blonde.”
“I thought so” says the doctor, “your finger is broken.”
A blonde walks by a travel agency and notices a sign in the window, “Cruise Special — $99!”.
She goes inside, lays her money on the counter and says, “I’d like the $99 cruise special, please.”
The agent grabs her, drags her into the back room, ties her to a large inner tube, then drags her out the back door and downhill to the river, where he pushes her in and sends her floating.
A second blonde comes by a few minutes later, sees the sign, goes inside, lays her money on the counter, and asks for the $99 special. She too is tied to an inner tube and sent floating down the river.
Drifting into stronger current, she eventually catches up with the first blonde.
They float side by side for a while before the first blonde asks, “Do they serve refreshments on this cruise?
The second blonde replies, ” They didn’t last year.”