No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
It was Postman Pat’s last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the post through all kinds of weather to the same neighbourhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family there, who all hugged and congratulated him and sent him on his way with a gift cheque for $500.
At the second house they presented him fine Cuban cigars in an 18-carat gold box. The folks at the third house handed him a case of 30-year old Scotch whiskey.
At the fourth house he was met at the door by a dumb blonde in her lingerie. She took him by the arm and led him up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced. When he had had enough they went downstairs, where the dumb blonde fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and freshly-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee.
As she was pouring, he noticed Five Pound Note sticking out from under the cup’s bottom edge.
“All this was just too wonderful for words,” he said, “but what’s the fiver for?”
“Well,” said the dumb blonde, “last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you. He said, ‘Fuck him. Give him a fiver.’ ……….. the breakfast was my idea.”
A blond went into a world wide message center to send a message to her mother overseas. When the man told her it would cost $300, she exclaimed:
“But I don’t have any money. But I’d do ANYTHING to get a message to my mother”.
The man arched an eyebrow (as we would expect) “Anything?” he asked.
“Yes, yes, anything” the blond promised.
Well then, just follow me” said the man as he walked towards the next room. The blond did as she was told and followed the man. “Come in and close the door” the man said. She did. He then said “Now get on your knees”. She did. “Now take down my zipper”. She did. “Now go ahead … take it out …” he said. She reached in and grabbed it with both hands … then paused.
The man closed his eyes and whispered “Well … go ahead.”
The blond slowly brought her mouth closer to it and while holding it close to her lips, tentatively said… “Hello, Mom can you hear me?”
A Blonde who had been unemployed for several months got a job with Public Works. She was to paint lines down the center of a rural road.
The supervisor told her that she was on probation and that she must stay at or above the set average of 2 miles per day to remain employed.
The Blonde agreed to the conditions and started right away. The supervisor, checking up at the end of the day, found that the Blonde had completed 4 miles on her first day, double the average!
“Great,” he told her, “I think you’re really going to work out.”
The next day, however, he was disappointed to find that the Blonde onlyaccomplished 2 miles. The supervisor thought, “Well, she’s still at the average, and I don’t want to discourage her. I’ll just keep quiet.”
On the third day, the Blonde only did one mile and the boss thought, “I need to talk to her before this gets any worse.” The boss pulled the new employee in and said, “You were doing so great. The first day you did 4 miles, the second day 2 miles, but yesterday you only did one mile. Why? Is there a problem? An injury? Equipment failure? What’s keeping you from meeting the 2-mile minimum?”
The Blonde replied, “Well, each day I keep getting farther and farther away from the bucket.”
A young blonde lady had all the windows in her home replaced with new double insulated highly energy-efficient windows.
Twelve months later, she gets an irate phone call from the contractor complaining that the work has been done for a year and despite repeated bills and collection notices, she has yet to make even one payment.
The blonde replies, “Now don’t you try to pull a fast one on me. The salesman who sold me those windows told me that in one year they would pay for themselves!”
A blonde goes into a restaurant and notices there’s a “peel and win” sticker on her coffee cup. So she’s peels it off and starts screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
The waitress says, “That’s impossible. The biggest prize is a free lunch.”
But the blonde keeps screaming, “I’ve won a motor home! I’ve won a motor home!”
Finally the manager comes over and says, “Ma’am, I’m sorry, but you’re mistaken. You couldn’t possibly have won a motor home because we didn’t have that as a prize!”
The blonde says, “No it’s not a mistake. I’ve won a motor home!” And she hands the ticket to the manager and he reads…
(more…)
The sheriff in a small town walks out in the street and sees a blonde cowboy coming down the walk with nothing on but his cowboy hat, gun and his boots. So the sheriff arrests him for indecent exposure. As he is locking him up he asks “Why in the world are you dressed like this?”
Cowboy says “Well it’s like this Sheriff… I was in the bar down the road and this pretty little redhead asks me to go out to her motor home with her….and I did. We go inside and she pulls off her top and asks me to pull off my shirt so I did…. Then she pulls off her skirt and asks me to pull off my pants so I did… Then she pulls off her panties and asks me to pull off my shorts… So I did… Then she gets on the bed and looks at me kind of funny and says, “Now go to town cowboy…. ” So here I am.
A blonde and a redhead met in a bar after work for a drink, and were watching the 6 O’clock news. A man was shown threatening to jump from the Brooklyn Bridge.
The blonde bet the redhead $50 that he wouldn’t jump, and the redhead replied, “I’ll take that bet!” Anyway, sure enough, he jumped, so the blonde gave the redhead the $50.
The redhead said “I can’t take this, you’re my friend”.
The blonde said “No. A bet’s a bet”.
So the redhead said “Listen, I have to admit, I saw this on the 5 O’clock news, so I can’t take your money”.
“Well, so did I”, said the blonde, “but I never thought he’d jump again!”
A blonde walks into a bank in Johannesburg and asks for the loans dept. She says she’s going to Europe on business for three weeks and needs to borrow R10,000. The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the papers and everything checks out. The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.
The bank manager and its staff all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a R500,000 Rolls as collateral against a R10,000 loan. An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Rolls into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there. Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the R10,000 and the interest, which comes to R141.66.
The bank manager says, “Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow R10,000?”
The blond replies … “Where else in Johannesburg can I park my car for two weeks for only R141.66 and expect it to be there when I return?”
Finally, a gifted blonde!
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on “Science & Nature.” Her question was,
“If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?”
She thought for a time and then asked, “Is it on or off?”
The other day, I was getting into an elevator. As I entered, a lovely blonde already inside greeted me by saying, “T - G - I - F.”
I smiled at her and replied, “S - H - I - T.”
She looked at me, puzzled, and said again, “T - G - I - F.”
I acknowledged her remark once more by answering, “S - H - I -T.”
The blonde was trying to be friendly, so she smiled her biggest smile and said to me as sweetly as possibly, “T - G - I - F” one more time.
Then I smiled back at her and once again replied with a quizzical statement,”S - H - I - T.”
The blonde, finally deciding to explain, said, “T - G - I - F, Thank Goodness It’s Friday…..get it?”
I answered back, “S - H - I - T……. Sorry, Honey, It’s Thursday.”
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!”
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
She Was Soooooooooooooo Blonde:
There’s this blonde out for a walk. She comes to a river and sees another blonde on the opposite bank. “Yoo-hoo” she shouts, “how can I get to the other side?”
The second blonde looks up the river then down the river then shouts back, “You are on the other side.”
A blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you’ll have lost at least five pounds.”
When the blonde returns, she’s lost nearly 20 pounds. “Why, that’s amazing!” the doctor says. “Did you follow my instructions?”
The blonde nods. “I’ll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.”
“From hunger, you mean?” asked the doctor.
“No, from all that skipping.”
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ball point pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 Billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300C. The Russians used a pencil…….
A blonde is walking down the street with her blouse open and her right breast hanging out. A policeman approaches her and says,
“Ma’am, are you aware that I could cite you for indecent exposure?”
She says, “Why, officer?” “Because your breast is hanging out.”
She looks down and says, “OH MY GOD, I left the baby on the bus again!”
One day, three blond guys were hiking and unexpectedly came upon a large raging, violent river. They needed to get to the other side, but had no idea of how to do so.
The first man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him big arms and strong legs, and he was able to swim across the river in about two hours, after almost drowning a couple of times.
Seeing this, the second man prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength …….and the tools to cross this river.” Poof! God gave him a rowboat and he was able to row across the river in about half an hours time, after almost capsizing the boat a couple of times.
The third man had seen how this worked out for the other two, so he also prayed to God, saying, “Please God, give me the strength and the tools …and the intelligence …to cross this river.” And Poof! God turned him into a beautiful women. She looked at the map, hiked up stream a couple of hundred yards, then walked across the bridge.
Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in-laws, and while there went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries. Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head.
One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car. He noticed that Linda’s eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she’d been shot in the back of the head, and had been holding her brains in for over an hour. The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in for over an hour until someone noticed and came to her aid. And, yes, Linda is a blonde.
Two blondes arrive in heaven.
One blond says to another, “how did you die”?
“I froze to death,” says the second.
“That’s awful” says the first blonde. “How does it feel to freeze to death?”
“It’s very uncomfortable at first,” says the second blonde. “You get the shakes, and you get pains in all your fingers and toes. But eventually, it’s a very calm way to go. You get numb and you kind of drift off, as if you’re sleeping.”
“How about you, how did you die?” asked the second blonde.
“I had a heart attack,” says the first blonde. “You see I knew my husband was cheating on me, so one day I showed up at home unexpectedly. I ran up to the bedroom, and found him alone watching TV. I ran to the basement, but no one was hiding there either. I ran to the second floor, but no one was hiding there either. I ran as fast as I could to the attic, and just as I got there, I had a massive heart attack and died.
The second blonde shakes her head. “What a pity …if you had only looked in the freezer, we’d both still be alive.”
The husband said, “Who was that?”
The wife said, “I don’t know; some woman wanting to know ‘if the coast is clear.”
The second blonde says, “Here, let me see!”
So the first blonde hands her the compact. The second one looks in the mirror and says, “You dummy, it’s me!”
The boyfriend yells, “No, honey, don’t do it.”
The blonde replies, “Shut up, you’re next!”
A friend says, “OK, what’s the capital of Wisconsin?”
The blonde replies, “Oh, that’s easy: W.”
“Is it mine?”
“My God!” the trooper exclaimed, “Your car looks like an accordion that was stomped on by an elephant. Are you OK ma’am?”
“Yes, officer, I’m just fine” the blonde chirped.
“Well, how in the world did this happen?” The officer asked as he surveyed the wrecked car.
“Officer, it was the strangest thing!” the blonde began. “I was driving along this road when from out of nowhere this TREE pops up in front of me. So I swerved to the right, and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was ANOTHER tree! I swerved to the right and there was another tree! I swerved to the left and there was….”
“Uh, ma’am,” the officer said, cutting her off, “There isn’t a tree on this road for 30 miles. That was your air freshener swinging back and forth.”
Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!!
Pam, a beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: ‘Oral Sex’ Frogs Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions)
Pam excitedly looks around to see if anybody’s watching her and whispers softly to Ralph, the man behind the counter, “I’ll take one.” Ralph, packaging up the frog, says, “Just follow the instructions carefully.”
Pam nods, ‘Okay,’ grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, Pam takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:
She then quickly gets into bed, puts the frog between her legs and, to her surprise, nothing happens! Pam is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper. It says, “If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store.”
So, Pam calls…Ralph, the man from behind the counter says, “I had some complaints earlier this week. I’ll be right over.”
Within five minutes, Ralph is ringing her doorbell. Pam welcomes him in and says, “See, I’ve done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there.”
Ralph, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says, “Listen to me! I’m only going to show you how to do this one more time!”
A young ventriloquist is touring the clubs and stops to entertain at a bar in a small town. He’s going through his usual run of stupid blonde jokes, when a big blonde woman in the fourth row stands on her chair and says:
“I’ve heard just about enough of your denigrating blonde jokes, you jerk. What makes you think you can stereotype women that way? What does a person’s physical attributes have to do with their worth as a human being? It’s guys like you who keep women like me from being respected at work and in my community, of reaching my full potential as a person … because
you and your kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes but women at large … all in the name of humour.”
Flustered, the ventriloquist begins to apologize, when the blonde pipes up,
“You stay out of this, Mister. I’m talking to that little bastard on your knee!”
Three business men were sitting in a bar, drinking and discussing how stupid their wives were.
The first says, “I tell you, my wife is so stupid. Last week she went to the supermarket and bought $300 worth of meat because it was on sale, and we don’t even have a fridge big enough to keep it in!”
The second agrees that she sounds pretty thick, but says his wife is thicker. “Just last week, she went out and spent $17000 on a new car,” he laments, “and she doesn’t even know how to drive!”
The third, a blond male, nods sagely and agrees that these two women sound like they both walked through the stupid forest and got hit by every branch.
However, he still thinks his wife is dumber. “I have to laugh when I think about it,” he chuckles. “Last week my wife left on a vacation to Greece. I watched her packing her bags and she must have taken at least 5 boxes of condoms with her. She doesn’t even have a penis.
One day while on patrol,a police officer pulled over a car for speeding.
He went up to the car and asked the driver to roll down her window.
The first thing he noticed, besides the nice red sports car, was how hot the driver was! Drop dead beautiful blonde . . . the works !
“I’ve pulled you over for speeding, Ma’me . . . could I see your driver’s license?”
“. . . What’s a license . . . ?” replied the blonde, instantly giving away the fact that she was as dumb as a stump.
“It’s usually in your wallet . . .” replied the officer.
After fumbling for a few minutes, the driver managed to find it.
“Now may I see your registration?” asked the cop.
“Registration. . . what’s that?” asked the blonde.
“It’s usually in your glove compartment . . .” said the cop impatiently.
After some more fumbling, she found the registration.
“I’ll be back in a minute . . .” said the cop and walked back to his car.
The officer phoned into the dispatch to run a check on the woman’s license and registration. After a few moments, the dispatcher came back;
“Ummm . . . .is this woman driving a red sports car ?”
“Yes . . . ” replied the officer
“Is she a drop dead gorgeous blonde ?” asked the dispatcher
“Uh . . . yes” replied the cop.
“Here’s what you do . . . .” said the dispatcher. “Give her the stuff back, and drop your pants . . .”
“WHAT ! ? I can’t do that. Its . . . inappropriate . . .” exclaimed the cop.
“Trust me . . . just do it . . ” said the dispatcher.
So the cop goes back to the car, gives back the license and registration and drops his pants, just as the dispatcher said.
The blonde looks down and sighs . . .
“Oh no . . . not ANOTHER breathalyzer . . . .”
A blonde decides to try horseback riding, even though she has had no lessons or prior experience. She mounts the horse, unassisted, and the horse immediately springs into motion.
It gallops along at a steady and rhythmic pace, but the blonde begins to slip from the saddle. In terror, she grabs for the horse’s mane, but cannot seem to get a firm grip. She tries to throw her arms around the horse’s neck, but she slides down the side of the horse anyway. The horse gallops along, seemingly impervious to its slipping rider.
Finally, giving up her frail grip, the blonde attempts to leap away from the horse and throw herself to safety. Unfortunately, her foot has become entangled in the stirrup, and she is now at the mercy of the horse’s pounding hooves as her head is struck against the ground over and over. As her head is battered against the ground, she is mere moments away from unconsciousness when to her great fortune. .
Frank, the Wal-Mart greeter, sees her and unplugs the horse.