The Beer Prayer

Our lager,
Which art in barrels,
Hallowed be thy drink.
Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk),
At home as it is in the tavern.
Give us this day our foamy head,
And forgive us our spillage,
As we forgive those who spill against us.
And lead us not to incarceration,
But deliver us from hangovers.
For thine is the beer, the bitter, and
the lager.

Barmen

Technorati Tags: The Beer Prayer, humour, humor, comedy, fun, jokes,

A classic Dean Martin and Foster Brooks skit from the old Dean Martin Show. Brooks had a one shtick act but he did it very well.

[video http://www.thealders.net/multimedia/airlinepilot.wmv nolink]

Canadian eh!

A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.

Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.

That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 Miles to the gallon!

Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny

Sister Mary Catherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack’s liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Catherine and she said,

“Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.”

“Sister Mary Catherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I could never do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!”

“Oh Jack,” she responded, “it’s only for the Mother Superior.” Her voice dropped. “it helps her constipation, you know.”

So Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Catherine. And she was hammered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering so Jack pushed through and exclaimed,

“Sister Mary Catherine! For Shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior’s constipation!”

Sister Mary Catherine didn’t miss a beat as replied: “And so it is me lad, so it is. When she sees
me she’s going to shit!”

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.

The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, “Lord tundering jaisus… up
ahead — it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer
drinkin’ dese here beers!!”

Don’t worry,” Archie said. “We’ll just pull over and finish dese
beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and trow
de bottles under the seat.”

“What fer?”

“Jist let me do de talkin’, OK?”

So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and
put a label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them
and said, “You boys been drinkin’?”

“No sir,” said Archie, pointing at the labels. “We’re on the patch.”

And haven’t we all been here at one time or another

One Star Hangover (*)
No pain. No real feeling of illness. You’re able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)
No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)
Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink.Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You’ve had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke — yet you haven’t peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)
Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can’t speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can’t hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face.(For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five shits you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)
You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don’t have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare ‘floater’ thrown in. The sole purpose of this ‘floater’ seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass. Death sounds pretty good about right now….

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom.

A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom.

A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about.

“What’s all the screaming about in there? You’re scaring my customers!”

“I’m just sitting here on the toilet, says drunk, and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my balls!!”

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says,

“You idiot! You’re sitting on the mop bucket!!!”

Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when,this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,

“That’s a karate chop from Korea.”

well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.

That’s a judo chop from Japan”, he says.

The litttle Newfie decides he’s had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold.

The Newfie says to the bartender, “When he wakes up, eh!, tell him that was a fuckin’ hockey stick from Canadian Tire.”

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows.

“Aren’t you going to answer that?” says his wife.

So, he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door and there is man standing at the door. It doesn’t take the homeowner long to realize the man is drunk.

“Hi there,” slurs the stranger. “Can you give me a push?”

“No, get lost! It’s half past three! I was in bed!” screams the man as he slams the door. He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened.

She remarks, “Dave, that wasn’t very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to pick the kids up from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man’s house to get us started again? What would have happened if he’d told us to get lost?”

“But the guy was drunk,” says the husband.

“It doesn’t matter,” explains the wife. “He needs our help and it would be nice to help him.”

So, the husband gets out of bed again, gets dressed, and goes downstairs. He opens the door but he can’t see the stranger anywhere in the dark, so he shouts, “Hey, do you still want a push?”

He hears a voice cry out, “Yes, please.”

“Where are you?” shouts the homeowner.

The stranger slurs, “I’m over here, on your swing.”

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:

• Indubitably
• Innovative
• Preliminary
• Proliferation
• Cinnamon

Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk:

• Specificity
• British Constitution
• Passive-aggressive disorder
• Loquacious transubstantiate

Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You’re Drunk:

• Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex.
• Nope, no more booze for me.
• Sorry, but you’re not really my type.
• Good evening officer, isn’t it lovely out tonight?
• Oh, I just couldn’t. No one wants to hear me sing.

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told my wife that I would be home by midnight…promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M.,drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, the cuckoo clock in the hall started up and cuckooed 3 times. Quickly, I realized she’d probably wake up, so I cuckooed another 9 times.

I was really proud of myself, having a quick witty solution, even when smashed, to escape a possible conflict. The next morning my wife asked me what time I got in, and I told her 12 o’clock. She didn’t seem disturbed at all. Whew! Got away with that one!

She then told me that we needed a new cuckoo clock. When I asked her whyshe said, “Well, last night our clock cuckooed three times, then said ‘oh f#$@,’ cuckooed 4 more times, cleared its throat, cuckooed another 3 times, giggled, cuckooed twice more, and then farted.

1. We have absolutely no idea where our purse is.
2. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling “woo-hoo!” is truly the sexiest dance move around.
3. We’ve suddenly decided that we want to kick someone’s ass and honestly believe we could do it too.
4. On our last trip to pee, we realize that we now look more like a homeless hooker than the goddess we were just four hours ago
5. We start crying and telling everyone we see that we love them sooooo much.
6. We get extremely excited and jump up and down every time a new song play’s because “oh my god! i love this song!”
7. We’ve found a deeper /spiri tual side to the geek sitting next to us.
8. We’ve suddenly taken up smoking and become really good at it.
9. We yell at the bartender, who we believe cheated us by giving us just lemonade, but that’s just because we can no longer taste the gin.
10. We think we are in bed, but our pillow feels strangely like the kitchen floor (OR THE MOP?)
11. We fail to notice that the toilet lid’s down when we sit on it.
12. We take our shoes off because we believe it’s their fault that we’re having problems walking straight.

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a big drop-off and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you.

In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car but you cannot overtake it.

Behind you is a helicopter flying at ground level.

Both the giant pig and the helicopter are also traveling at the same speed as you.

What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation?

Answer: (more…)

• You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline - it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. –Frank Zappa
• Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut. –Ernest Hemingway
• Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me. –Winston Churchill
• He was a wise man who invented beer. –Plato
• Time is never wasted when you’re wasted all the time. –Catherine Zandonella
• A woman drove me to drink and I didn’t even have the decency to thank her. –W.C. Fields
• Sir, if you were my husband, I would poison your drink. –Lady Astor to Winston Churchill

  Madam, if you were my wife, I would drink it. –His reply

• If God had intended us to drink beer, He would have given us stomachs. –David Daye
• Work is the curse of the drinking class. –Oscar Wilde
• When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading. –Henny Youngman
• Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy. –Benjamin Franklin
• If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.–Deep Thought, Jack Handy
• Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza. –Dave Barry
• The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind. –Humphrey Bogart
• Why is American beer served cold? So you can tell it from urine. –David Moulton
• People who drink light “beer” don’t like the taste of beer; they just like to pee a lot. –Capital Brewery, Middleton, WI
• Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.–Kaiser Wilhelm
• Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer. –Dave Barry
• I drink to make other people interesting. –George Jean Nathan
• They who drink beer will think beer. –Washington Irving
• An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools. –For Whom the Bell Tolls, Ernest Hemingway
• You’re not drunk if you can lie on the floor without holding on. –Dean Martin
• All right, brain, I don’t like you and you don’t like me - so let’s just do this and I’ll get back to killing you with beer. –Homer Simpson