Doug's Divine Drollery

Two guys wanted to go drinking, but they only had a dollar between them. One of the fellows looked over at a hot dog wagon nearby, and got an idea. He spent the dollar on a hot dog. He threw the bun away, and stuffed the hot dog down his underwear…. “We’re gonna walk into [...]

A man walked into a bar one night. He went up to the bar and asked for a beer. “Certainly, sir, that’ll be 1 cent.” “ONE CENT!” exclaimed the guy, the barman replied, “Yes.” So the guy glanced over at the menu, and he asked, “Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, [...]

These three guys are in a bar, having a few beers, and checking out the babes as they enter the establishment. One walks in, rather attractive, and they “discuss” her “rating,” which is on a 1 to 10 scale. One says, “I’d give her a 7. She’s really quite pretty.” Another agrees, and so does [...]

A man has a dog that snores in his sleep. Annoyed, because she can’t sleep, his wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie a ribbon around the dog’s testicles and he will stop snoring. A few hours after going to bed, the dog is [...]

A DATE RAPE WARNING FOR MEN!!! PLEASE READ THIS, IT’S IMPORTANT NEWS TO ALL GUYS THAT GO TO CLUBS OR BARS AND DRINK. Guys, be more alert and cautious when getting a drink offer from a girl. There is a drug called beer that is essentially in liquid form. The most effective varieties are being [...]

A Newfie walks into a bar and he realizes it’s a gay bar. But what the heck, he says to himself, “I can really use a drink.” When the gay waiter approaches, he says to the Newfie, “What’s the name of your weewee?” The Newfie says, “Look, I’m not into any of that, all I [...]

A drunk stumbles along a baptismal service on Sunday afternoon down by the river. He proceeds to walk down into the water and stand next to the Preacher. The minister turns and notices the old drunk and says, “Mister, are you ready to find Jesus?” The drunk looks back and says, “Yes, Preacher, I sure [...]

Three desperately ill men met with their doctor one day to discuss their options. One was an Alcoholic, one was a Chain-Smoker, and one was a Homosexual. The doctor, addressing all three of them, said, “If any of you indulge in your vices one more time, you will surely die.” The men left the doctor’s [...]

A man enters a bar and orders a drink. The bar has a robot bartender. The robot serves him a perfectly prepared cocktail, and then asks him, “What’s your IQ?” The man replies “150″ and the robot proceeds to make conversation about global warming factors, quantum physics and spirituality, biochemistry, environmental interconnectedness, string theory, nano-technology, [...]

[tag]The Beer Prayer[/tag] Our lager, Which art in barrels, Hallowed be thy drink. Thy will be drunk, (I will be drunk), At home as it is in the tavern. Give us this day our foamy head, And forgive us our spillage, As we forgive those who spill against us. And lead us not to incarceration, [...]

A classic Dean Martin and Foster Brooks skit from the old Dean Martin Show. Brooks had a one shtick act but he did it very well.

Canadian eh! A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year. That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 Miles to the gallon! [tags]humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny[/tags]

Sister Mary Catherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack’s liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Catherine and she said, “Oh Jack, give me a pint o’ the brandy.” “Sister Mary Catherine,” exclaimed Jack, “I could never do that! I’ve never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!” “Oh Jack,” [...]

Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers. The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, “Lord tundering jaisus… up ahead — it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer drinkin’ dese here beers!!” Don’t worry,” Archie said. “We’ll just pull over and finish dese beers, then peel off the [...]

And haven’t we all been here at one time or another One Star Hangover (*) No pain. No real feeling of illness. You’re able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries. Two Star [...]

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, bloodcurdling scream is heard coming from the bathroom. A few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar. The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate what the drunk is screaming about. “What’s all the [...]

Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when,this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says, “That’s a karate chop from Korea.” well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and [...]

A man is in bed with his wife when there is a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it’s half past three in the morning. “I’m not getting out of bed at this time,” he thinks, and rolls over. Then, a louder knock follows. “Aren’t you going to [...]

LEVEL 1: It’s 11:00 on a weeknight, you’ve had a few beers. You get up to leave because you have work the next day and one of your friends buys another round. One of your UNEMPLOYED friends. Here at level one you think to yourself, “Oh come on, this is silly, why as long as [...]

Things That Are Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk: Indubitably Innovative Preliminary Proliferation Cinnamon Things That Are Very Difficult to Say When You’re Drunk: Specificity British Constitution Passive-aggressive disorder Loquacious transubstantiate Things That Are Downright Impossible to Say When You’re Drunk: Thanks, but I don’t want to have sex. Nope, no more booze for me. [...]

The other night I was invited out for a night with “the boys.” I told my wife that I would be home by midnight…promise! Well, the hours passed and the beer was going down way too easy. At around 3 A.M.,drunk as a skunk, I headed for home. Just as I got in the door, [...]

We have absolutely no idea where our purse is. We believe that dancing with our arms overhead and wiggling our butt while yelling “woo-hoo!” is truly the sexiest dance move around. We’ve suddenly decided that we want to kick someone’s ass and honestly believe we could do it too. On our last trip to pee, [...]

You are driving in a car at a constant speed. On your left side is a big drop-off and on your right side is a fire engine traveling at the same speed as you. In front of you is a galloping pig which is the same size as your car but you cannot overtake it. [...]

You can’t be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline – it helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer. –Frank Zappa Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to [...]