No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
One day my mother was out and my dad was in charge of me.
I was maybe 2 1/2 years old and had just recovered from an accident.
Someone had given me a little ‘tea set’ as a get-well gift and it was one of my favorite toys.
Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought Daddy a little cup of ‘tea’, which was just water.
After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home.
My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch me bring him a cup of tea, because it was ‘just the cutest thing!’
My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy and she watches him drink it up.
Then she says, ‘Did it ever occur to you that the only place that baby can reach to get water is the toilet?’
Technorati Tags: cup of tea, humor, humour, jokes, funny, comedy, children
Once there was a little boy who lived in the country. For bathroom facilities, they had to use an outhouse. The little boy hated it because it was hot in the summer, cold in the winter and stank all the time.
The outhouse was sitting on the bank of a creek and the boy determined that one day he would push that outhouse into the water.
One day after a spring rain, the creek was swollen so the little boy decided today was the day to push the outhouse into the creek. So he got a large stick and pushed. Finally, the outhouse toppled into the creek and floated away.
That evening his dad sternly told him to sit down. Knowing he was in trouble, the little boy asked why. The dad replied, “Someone pushed the outhouse into the creek today. It was you, wasn’t it, son?”
The boy answered yes. Then he thought a moment and said, “Dad, I read in school today that George Washington chopped down a cherry tree and didn’t get into trouble because he told the truth.”
The dad replied, “Well, son, George Washington’s father wasn’t in that cherry tree!”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny
Little Johnny walked into school thirty minutes late.
“Sorry I’m late, teacher,” he said, “but I didn’t get my f**king breakfast.”
“Johnny, we don’t use language like that in school!” said his teacher. “Go stand in the corner!”
She then continued the geography lesson.
“Who can tell me where the Canadian border is?” she asked.
No hand went up except Little Johnny’s.
The teacher ignored him and asked again.
Still no takers, so she reluctantly called on Little Johnny.
“He’s in bed with my Mom,” he replied, “and that’s why I didn’t get any f**king breakfast!”
Technorati Tags: Little Johnny, humour, humor, jokes, funny, not PC
A fireman was working on the engine outside the station when he noticed a little girl nearby in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.
The girl was wearing a fireman’s helmet. The wagon was being pulled by her dog and her cat.
The fireman walked over to take a closer look. “That sure is a nice fire truck,” he said with admiration.
“Thanks” the girl replied.
The fireman looked a little closer and noticed that the girl had tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.
“Little Partner,” the fireman said, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar, I think you could go faster.”
The girl replied thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren.”
Technorati Tags: fireman, little girl, little red wagon, humour, humor, jokes, funny, not PC, sex
STORY OF ELIJAH
The Sunday school teacher was carefully explaining the story of Elijah the Prophet and the false prophets of Baal. She explained how Elijah built the altar, put wood upon it, cut a steer in pieces, and laid it upon the altar. And then, Elijah commanded the people of God to fill four barrels of water and pour it over the altar. He had them do this four times “Now, asked the teacher, “Can anyone in the class tell me why the Lord would have Elijah pour water over the steer on the altar?” A little girl in the back of the room started waving her hand, “I know! I know!” she said, “To make the gravy!”
LOT’S WIFE
The Sunday School teacher was describing how Lot’s wife looked back and turned into a pillar of salt, when little Jason interrupted, “My Mummy looked back once, while she was driving,” he announced triumphantly, “and she turned into a telephone pole!”
GOOD SAMARITAN
A Sunday school teacher was telling her class the story of the Good Samaritan, in which a man was beaten, robbed and left for dead. She described the situation in vivid detail so her students would catch the drama. Then, she asked the class, “If you saw a person lying on the roadside, all wounded and bleeding, what would you do?” A thoughtful little girl broke the hushed silence, “I think I’d throw up.”
DID NOAH FISH?
A Sunday school teacher asked, “Johnny, do you think Noah did a lot of fishing when he was on the Ark ?” “No,” replied David. “How could he, with just two worms?”
HIGHER POWER
A Sunday school teacher said to her children, “We have been learning how powerful kings and queens were in Bible times. But, there is a higher power. Can anybody tell me what it is?” One child blurted out, “Aces!”
MOSES AND THE RED SEA
Nine-year-old Joey, was asked by his mother what he had learned in Sunday school. “Well, Mom, our teacher told us how God sent Moses behind enemy lines on a rescue mission to lead the Israelites out of Egypt . When he got to the Red Sea , he had his army build a pontoon bridge and all the people walked across safely. Then, he radioed headquarters for reinforcements. They sent bombers to blow up the bridge and all the Israelites were saved.” “Now, Joey, is that really what your teacher taught you?” his mother asked. “Well, no, Mom. But, if I told it the way the teacher did, you’d never believe it!”
THE LORD IS MY SHEPHERD
A Sunday school teacher decided to have her young class memorize one of the most quoted passages in the Bible; Psalm 23. She gave the youngsters a month to learn the verse. Little Rick was excited about the task — but, he just couldn’t remember the Psalm. After much practice, he could barely get past the first line. On the day that the kids were scheduled to recite Psalm 23 in front of the congregation,
Ricky was so nervous. When it was his turn, he stepped up to the microphone and said proudly, “The Lord is my Shepherd, and that’s all I need to know.”
CHURCH SMILES
There was a very gracious lady who was mailing an old family Bible to her brother in another part of the country. “Is there anything breakable in here?” asked the postal clerk. “Only the Ten Commandments,” answered the lady.
WHILE DRIVING
While driving in Pennsylvania , a family caught up to an Amish carriage. The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign… “Energy efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in exhaust.
A QUILT
Sunday after church, a Mom asked her very young daughter what the lesson was about. The daughter answered, “Don’t be scared, you’ll get your quilt.” Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning’s Sunday school lesson was about. He said “Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming.”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, religion, funny, not PC
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter,” she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered,” she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the Rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must’ve been scary,” said the teacher.
“It sure was,” said the little girl. “My kitty went “Fffff, Fffff, Fffff,” but before he could say “Fuck off,” the Rottweiler ate him!”
Technorati Tags: teacher, stutter, Rottweiler, humour, humor, jokes, not PC
Dear Mom & Dad,
Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried. We are okay. Only one of our tents and two sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened. Oh yes, please call Adam’s mother and tell her he is okay. He can’t write because of the cast. I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn’t been for the lightning. Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn’t hear him. Did you know
that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn’t burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes. Matthew is going to look weird until his hair grows back. We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn’t his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect some thing to break down; that’s probably why he can’t get insurance. We think it’s a neat bus. He doesn’t care if we get it dirty, and if it’s hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man
stopped and talked to us. Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don’t worry, he’s a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jesse how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn’t any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks. This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn’t let me because I can’t swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood. Scoutmaster Keith isn’t crabby like some Scoutmasters. He didn’t even get mad about us not wearing life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble. Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison. I’m so glad he got out and became our Scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was
doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal file? I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don’t worry about anything. We are fine.
Love,
Jerry
A little boy wanted $100.00 very badly and prayed for weeks, but nothing happened. Then he decided to write God a letter requesting the $100.00. When the postal authorities received the letter to God, Canada, they decided to send it to the Prime Minister.
Harper was so amused that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy a $5.00 bill. The Prime Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy.
The little boy was delighted with the $5.00 bill and sat down to write a thank-you note to God, which read: Dear God, thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed that for some reason you sent it through Ottawa, Ontario, and those assholes deducted $95.00 in taxes
A first-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, “Harry, what’s your problem?”
Harry answered, “I’m too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I’m smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!”
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal’s office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed.
Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test
Principal: “What is 3 x 3?”
Harry: “9.”
Principal: “What is 6 x 6?”
Harry: “36.”
And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know.
The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, “I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade.”
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, “Let me ask him some questions.”
The principal and Harry both agreed
Ms. Brooks asks, “What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?”
Harry, after a moment: “Legs.”
Ms. Brooks: “What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?”
The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: “Pockets.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a dog do that a man steps into?”
Harry: “Pants.”
Ms. Brooks: What starts with a C, ends with a T, is hairy, oval, delicious and contains thin, whitish liquid?”
Harry: “Coconut.”
The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open.
Ms. Brooks: “What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?”
The principal’s eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, “Bubble gum.”
Ms. Brooks: “What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?”
Harry: “Shake hands.”
The principal was trembling.
Ms. Brooks: “What word starts with an ‘F’ and ends in ‘K’ that means a lot of heat and excitement?”
Harry: “Firetruck.”
The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, “Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong
A man walks into the market followed by his ten-year-old son. The kid is spinning a 25 cent piece in the air and catching it between his teeth. As they walk through the market someone bumps into the boy at just the wrong moment and the coin goes straight into his mouth and lodges in his throat. He immediately starts choking and going blue in the face and Dad starts panicking, shouting and screaming for help. A middle-aged, fairly unremarkable man in a gray suit is sitting at a coffee bar in the market reading his newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion he looks up, puts his coffee cup down on the saucer, neatly folds his newspaper and places it on the counter. He gets up from his seat and makes his unhurried way across the market. Reaching the boy (who is still standing, but just barely) the man carefully takes hold of the kid’s testicles and squeezes gently but firmly. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the 25 cent piece, which the man catches in his free hand. Releasing the boy, the man hands the coin to the father and walks back to his seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.
As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no lasting ill effects, the father rushes over to the man and starts effusively thanking him. The man looks embarrassed and brushes off the father’s thanks. As the man is about to leave, the father asks one last question: “I’ve never seen anybody do anything like that before - it was fantastic - what are you, a surgeon or something like that?”
“Oh, good heavens, no”, the man replies, “I work for the Revenue Canada.”
A teacher is explaining biology to her 4th grade students. “Human beings are the only animals that stutter”, she says.
A little girl raises her hand. “I had a kitty-cat who stuttered”, she volunteered. The teacher, knowing how precious some of these stories could become, asked the girl to describe the incident.
“Well”, she began, “I was in the back yard with my kitty and the rottweiler who lives next door got a running start and before we knew it, he jumped over the fence into our yard!”
“That must’ve been scary”, said the teacher.
“It sure was”, said the little girl. “My kitty went ‘Fffff, Fffff, Fffff’… and before he could say “Fuck,” the rottweiler ate him!”
The boy then went to his sister and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad
Pitt for a million dollars?”
The girl replied, “Oh my God! I LOVE Brad Pitt I would sleep with him in a heartbeat, are you nuts? ”
He then asked his mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars “Well dear I love your dad very much but for a million dollars I’d certainly sleep with Brad Pitt”
The boy then went to his brother and asked, “Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?”
“Of course,” the brother replied. “Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?”
The boy pondered the answers for a few days, then went back to his dad.
His father asked him, “Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?”
The boy replied, “Yes… Potentially, you and I are sitting on Three Million Dollars…………..but Realistically,……… we’re living with two Sluts and a Queer.
Little Johhny was staying with his grandmother for a few days. He’d been playing outside with the other kids for a while when he came into the house and asked her,
“Grandma, what is that called when 2 people are sleeping in the same room and one is on top of the other?”
She was a little taken aback, but decided to tell him the truth. “It’s called sexual intercourse, darling.”
Little Johnny just said, “Oh, OK” and went back outside to talk and play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily,
“Grandma, it is not called sexual intercourse! It’s called Bunk Beds!”
“And Jimmy’s Mom wants to talk to you”!!
A grade school teacher was asking students what their parents did for a living.
Timmy stood up and said, “My mom is a doctor!”
Sarah stood up and said, “My father is a professor!”
Little Johnny stood up and said, “My dad is a piano player in a whorehouse!”
The teacher couldn’t believe what she’s had just heard, so she made a point of calling Little Johnny’s father that evening to discuss the situation. Little Johnny’s father explained,
“Actually, I’m a law attorney, but how am I supposed to explain that to a seven year old kid!”
When I was in high school I used to be terrified of my girlfriend’s father, who I believe suspected me of wanting to place my hands on his daughter’s chest. He would open the door and immediately affect a good-naturedly murderous expression, holding out a handshake that, when gripped, felt like it could squeeze carbon into diamonds.
Now, years later, it is my turn to be the dad. Remembering how unfairly persecuted I felt when I would pick up my dates, I do my best to make my daughter’s suitors feel even worse. My motto: wilt them in the living room and they’ll stay wilted all night.
“So,” I’ll call out jovially. “I see you have your nose pierced. Is that because you’re stupid, or did you merely want to APPEAR stupid?”
As a dad, I have some basic rules, which I have carved into two stone tablets that I have on display in my living room.
My daughter claims it embarrasses her to come downstairs and find me attempting to get her date to recite these eight simple rules from memory. I’d be embarrassed too—-there are only eight of them, for crying out loud! And, for the record, I did NOT suggest to one of these cretins that I’d have these rules tattooed on his arm if he couldn’t remember them. (I checked into it and the cost is prohibitive.) I merely told him that I thought writing the rules on his arm with a ball point might be inadequate-—ink washes off-—and that my wood burning set was probably a better alternative.
One time, when my wife caught me having one of my daughter’s would-be suitors practice pulling into the driveway, get out of the car, and go up to knock on the front door (he had violated rule number one, so I figured he needed to run through the drill a few dozen times) she asked me why I was being so hard on the boy. “Don’t you remember being that age?” she challenged.
Of course I remember. Why do you think I came up with the eight simple rules?
Two gay men decide to have a baby.They mix their sperm, then have a surrogate mother artificially inseminated. When the baby is born, they rush to the hospital. Two dozen babies are in the ward, 23 of which are crying and screaming. One, over in the corner, is smiling serenely. A nurse comes by, and to the mens’ delight, she points out the happy child as theirs.
“Isn’t it wonderful?” Brad exclaims. “All these unhappy children, and ours is so happy.”
The nurse says, “He’s happy now. But just wait until we take the pacifier out of his ass.”
A man doing market research on Vaseline knocked on a door and was greeted by a young woman with three small children running around at her feet.
He said, “I’m doing some research for Vaseline. Have you ever used the product?”
She said, “Yes. My husband and I use it all the time.”
“And if you don’t mind me asking, what do you use it for?”
“We use it for sex.”
The researcher was a little taken aback. He said, “Usually, people lie to me and say that they use it on child’s bicycle chain or to help with a gate hinge. But, in fact, I know that most people do use it for sex. I admire you for your honesty. Since you’ve been frank so far, can you tell me exactly how you use it for sex?”
The woman said, “I don’t mind telling you at all. My husband and I put it on the doorknob, and it keeps the kids out.
Little Melissa comes home from first grade and tells her father that they learned about the history of Valentine’s Day.
“Since Valentine’s Day is for a Christian saint and we’re Jewish,” she asks, “will God get mad at me for giving someone a valentine?”
Melissa’s father thinks a bit, then says “No, I don’t think God would get mad. Who do you want to give a Valentine to?”
“Osama Bin Laden,” she says.
“Why Osama Bin Laden,” her father asks in shock.
“Well,” she says, “I thought that if a little American Jewish girl could have enough love to give Osama a Valentine, he might start to think that maybe we’re not all bad, and maybe start loving people a little bit. And if other kids saw what I did and sent Valentines to Osama, he’d love everyone a lot. And then he’d start going all over the place to tell everyone how much he loved them and how he didn’t hate anyone anymore.”
Her father’s heart swells and he looks at his daughter with new found pride. “Melissa, that’s the most wonderful thing I’ve ever heard.”
“I know,” Melissa says, “and once that gets him out in the open, the Marines could shoot the fucker.”
Technorati tags: Humor, bin laden
Little Johnny came into the kitchen where his mother was making dinner. His birthday was coming up and he thought this was a good time to tell his mother what he wanted. “Mom, I want a bike for my birthday.”
Little Johnny was a bit of a troublemaker. He had gotten into trouble at school and at home. Johnny’s mother asked him if he thought he deserved to get a bike for his birthday. Little Johnny, of course, thought he did.
Johnny’s mother, being a Christian woman, wanted him to reflect on his behavior over the last year and write a letter to God and tell him why he deserved a bike for his birthday.
Little Johnny stomped up the steps to his room and sat down to write God a letter.
LETTER 1:
Dear God,
I have been a very good boy this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.
Your friend,
Johnny
Johnny knew this wasn’t true. He had not been a very good boy this year, so he tore up the letter and started over.
LETTER 2:
Dear God,
This is your friend Johnny. I have been a pretty good boy this year and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Johnny
Johnny knew this wasn’t true either. He tore up the letter and started again.
LETTER 3:
Dear God,
I have been an OK boy this year and I would really like a red bike for my birthday.
Johnny
Johnny knew he could not send this letter to God either.
Johnny was very upset. He went downstairs and told his mother he wanted to go church. “Just be home in time for dinner”, his mother said.
Johnny walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. He looked around to see if anyone was there. He picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary and slipped it under his shirt and ran out of the church, down the street, into his house, and up to his room.
He shut the door to his room and sat down with a piece of paper and a pen Johnny began to write his letter to God.
LETTER 4:
I’VE GOT YOUR MOM. IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed
YOU KNOW WHO
An 8-year-old went to her dad and asked him, “Daddy what is sex?”
The father was surprised that she would ask such a question, but decided that if she was old enough to ask the question, then she was old enough to get a straight answer.
Steeling himself to leave nothing out, he proceeded to tell her all about human reproduction and the joys and responsibilities of intercourse.
When he finished explaining, the little girl was looking at him with her mouth hanging open,eyes wide in amazement.
Seeing the look on her face, the father asked her, “Why did you ask this question honey?”
The little girl replied, “Mom says that dinner will be ready in just a couple of secs.”
A man goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having a nightmare - the man wakes him and asks his son if he is OK? The son replies he is scared because he dreamt that Auntie Susie had died. The father assures the son that Auntie Susie is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, Auntie Susie dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that granddaddy had died. The father assures the son that granddaddy is fine and sends him to bed. The next day, granddaddy dies.
One week later, the man again goes into his son’s room to wish him goodnight. His son is having another nightmare - the man again wakes his son. The son this time says that he had dreamt that daddy had died. The father assures the son that he is OK and sends the boy to bed.
The man goes to bed but cannot sleep because he is so terrified. The next day, the man is scared for his life- he is sure is going to die. After dressing he drives very cautiously to work fearful of a collision. He doesn’t eat lunch because he is scared of food poisoning. He avoids everyone for he is sure he will somehow be killed. He jumps at every noise, starts at every movement and hides under his desk.
Upon walking in his front door at the end of the day, he finds his wife. ‘Good God, Dear,’ he proclaims, ‘I’ve just had the worst day of my entire life!’
She responds, ‘You think your day was bad, the milkman dropped dead on the doorstep this morning
Little Tommy runs into the bathroom one day to find his mother taking a bath. He points at her bush and asks,
“What’s that Mommy?”
A little embarrassed, she tells him that is her sponge. Tommy is satisfied with that answer and goes back to playing with his toys. Some time later, Tommy catches his mother in the shower shortly after she has shaved her bush for bikini season. Tommy asks her,
“Where is your sponge mommy?”
Again embarrassed she tells him that she lost it but will probably find it soon. Tommy is a little worried and promises his mommy that he will help her find it. His mother says OK and goes back to showering. Soon, Tommy comes running back in and says that he has found his mother’s sponge.’
“What do you mean you found my sponge? ”
“The lady next door has it and she’s washing Daddy’s face with it!”
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction.
“Hello,” said the little boy.
“Hi,” replied the little girl.
“Where are you going?” asked the little boy.
“I’ve been to church this morning and I’m on my way home,” answered the little girl.
“Me too,” replied the little boy. “I’m also on my way home from church.”
“Which church do you go to?” asked the little boy.
“I go to the Baptist church back down the road,” replied the little girl. “What about you?”
“I go to the Catholic church back at the top of the hill,” replied the little boy.
They discover that they are both going the same way so they decided that they’d walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet.
“If I get my new Sunday dress wet my Mom’s going to skin me alive,” said the little girl.
“My Mom’ll tan my hide too if I get my new Sunday suit wet,” replied the little boy.
“I tell you what I think I’ll do,” said the little girl. “I’m gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.”
“That’s a good idea,” replied the little boy. “I’m going to do the same thing with my suit.”
So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet.
They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on when the little boy finally remarked, “You know, I never did realize before just how much difference there really is between a Baptist and a Catholic.”
A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “this is the dumbest kid in the world, watch and I will prove it to you”.
The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?”. The boy takes the quarters and leaves.
“What did I tell you?” The barber says, “That kid never learns.”
Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”
The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”
A Three-year-old boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.
“Mom”, he asked, “are these my brains?”
“Not yet,” she replied.