Doug’s Divine Drollery

Little Johnny’s neighbour had a baby. Unfortunately, the baby was born without ears.
When mother and new baby came home from the hospital Johnny’s family was invited over to see the baby. Before they left their house, Little Johnny’s dad had a talk with him and explained that the baby had no ears.
His dad also told [...]

One day a teacher is having her students make up sentences for vocabulary words. She chooses the word contagious.
One little girl raises her hand.
“Alright, Suzie….tell the class your sentence”
Suzie replies, “My cousin had the mumps and that’s very contagious.”
“Very good, Suzie.”
A little boy named Tommy raises his hand.
“Go ahead, Tommy.”
“Chicken Pox is a very [...]

A Sunday school teacher asked her class, “What was Jesus’ mother’s name?”
One child answered, “Mary.”
The teacher then asked, “Who knows what Jesus’ father’s name was?”
A little kid said, “Verge.”
Confused, the teacher asked, “Where did you get that?”
The kid said, “Well, you know they are always talking about Verge n’ Mary.

A sister and brother are talking to each other when the little boy gets up and walks over to his Grandpa and says, “Grandpa, please make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “No.”
The little boy goes on, “Please . please make a frog noise.”
The Grandpa says, “No, now go play.”
The little boy then says to his [...]

A young boy went up to his father and asked “What’s the difference between potentially and realistically?
The father ponders for a moment, then answered “Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million quid and also ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million quid, [...]

((((RING))))
**Pick Up**
“Hello?”
“Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?”
“No Daddy, She’s upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank”
After a brief pause, Daddy says, “But honey, you haven’t got an Uncle Frank”
“Oh yes I do, and he’s upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now”
Brief Pause
“Uh, okay then, …this is what I want you [...]

A teacher asked her class, “What do you want out of life?”
A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, “All I want out of life are four little animals.”
The teacher asked, “Really and what four little animals would that be sugar?”
The little girl said “A mink on my back, a jaguar [...]

A mother enters her daughter’s bedroom and sees a letter on the bed. With the worst premonition, she reads it, with trembling hands:
“It is with great regret and sorrow that I’m telling you that I have eloped with my new boyfriend; I know how upset you will be but I am truly [...]

Little Johnny attended a horse auction with his father. He watched as his father moved from horse to horse, running his hands up and down the horse’s legs, rump, and chest.
After a few minutes, Johnny asked, “Dad, why are you doing that?”
His father replied, “Because when I’m buying horses, I [...]

Little Johnny’s kindergarten class was on a field trip to their local police station where they saw pictures tacked to a bulletin board of the 10 most wanted criminals. One of the youngsters pointed to a picture and asked if it really was the photo of a wanted person.
“Yes,” said the policeman. “The [...]

A Sunday School teacher of preschoolers was concerned that his students might be a little confused about Jesus Christ because of the Christmas season emphasis on His birth. He wanted to make sure they understood that the birth of Jesus occurred a long time ago, that He grew up, etc. So he
asked his [...]

Little Johnny watched, fascinated, as his mother smoothed cold cream on her face.
“Why do you do that, mommy?” he asked.
“To make myself beautiful,” said his mother, who then began removing the cream with a tissue.
“What’s the matter?” asked Little Johnny. “Giving up?”

A new teacher was trying to make use of her psychology courses. She started her class by saying, “Everyone who thinks they’re stupid, stand up!”
After a few seconds, Little Johnny stood up. The teacher said, “Do you think you’re stupid, Little Johnny?”
“No, ma’am, but I hate to see you [...]

Little Johnny watched the science teacher start the experiment with the worms. Four worms were placed into four separate jars.

The first worm was put into a jar of alcohol.
The second worm was put into a jar of cigarette smoke.
The third worm was put into a jar of sperm.
The fourth worm was put into a jar [...]

During an etiquette class, a teacher is trying to teach her students good manners to follow while on a dinner date.
“Michael,” she asks one of the students, “if you were on a date, having supper with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?”
“Just a [...]

To all Grandparents
Heed this warning: Do NOT lose your Grand kids in the Mall!
A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my grandpa!”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy replied, “Crown Royal whisky and women with big boobs.”

Teacher came to class one morning to find a nice apple on her desk with TOT written on it. Knowing she had some pranksters in her class, she cautiously asked, ” Can someone explain TOT to me?”
Little Suzy on the front row raised her hand and explained “It means ‘To Our Teacher.” So that was [...]

Due to a power outage at the time, only one paramedic responded to the call. The house was very, very dark, so the paramedic asked Katelyn, a 3-year-old girl, to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby. Very diligently, Katelyn did as she was asked. [...]

A nursery school teacher was taking a station wagon full of kids home one day when a fire truck zoomed past. Sitting in the front seat of the fire truck was a Dalmatian dog. The children began discussing the dog’s duties.
“They use him to keep crowds back,” said one youngster.
“No,” said another, “he’s just for [...]

A precious little girl walks into a pet shop and asks in the sweetest little lisp, “Excuthe me, mithter, do you keep widdle wabbits?”
As the shopkeeper’s heart melts, he gets down on his knees, so that he’s on her level, and asks, “Do you want a widdle white wabby or a thoft and fuwwy bwack [...]

A little boy comes down to breakfast. Since they live on a farm, his mother asks if he had done his chores.
“Not yet,” said the little boy.
His mother tells him no breakfast until he does his chores. Well, he’s a little pissed, so he goes to feed the chickens, and he kicks a chicken. He [...]

A little girl asked her mum, “Mum, may I take the dog for a walk around the block?
Mum replies, “No, because she is in heat.”
“What’s that mean?” asked the child.
“Go ask your father. I think he’s in the garage.”
The little girl goes to the garage and says, “Dad, may I take Belle for a walk [...]

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hung off the side and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle. The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet and has the wagon tied to a [...]

A first grade teacher collected well known proverbs. She gave each child in her class the first half of a proverb and asked them to come up with the remainder of the proverb. It’s hard to believe these were actually done by first graders, but there are some good ones nonetheless - their insight may [...]

A small boy was lost at a large shopping mall. He approached a uniformed policeman and said, “I’ve lost my dad!”
The cop asked, “What’s he like?”
The little boy replied,
“Beer and pussy!”