Doug’s Divine Drollery

You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home to help you carry in the groceries.
You haven’t played solitaire with real cards in years.
You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of three.
You e-mail the person who works at [...]

This just in:
Apple Computer reported today that it has developed computer chips that can store and play music inside women’s breasts. This is considered to be a major breakthrough because women are always complaining about men staring at their breasts and not listening to them.

Damage from frequent crashes greatly limited by agonizingly slow speeds.
MS-AAA mysteriously knows where you are and what you ran into before you even call.
Lets you e-mail viruses to jerks who cut you off in traffic.
Sure, you *own* the car — but your nerdy 17-year-old nephew is the only one who can figure out how to [...]

News Flash!
Word 6.6.6 Coming Soon! If you’re unhappy with Word 6, be patient! A new version of Word 6 is in the works which should take the world by storm. New programmers have been hired - including the creative programmers of SATAN security software - to bring you Word 6.6.6, which you will like and [...]

Subject: *** TOP SECRET MICROSOFT SOURCECODE ***
Project: Version - Windows 98
Microsoft marketing strategy (MARKET.EXE):
#include
#include
#include /* Microsoft Network Connectivity library */
#include /* For the court of law */
#define say(x) lie(x)
#define computeruser ALL_WANT_TO_BUY_OUR_BUGWARE
#define next_year soon
#define the_product_is_ready_to_ship another_beta_version
void main()
{
if (latest_window_version>one_month_old)
{
if (there_are_still_bugs)
[...]

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa’s mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.
The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would [...]

NSTRUCTIONS FOR MICROSOFT’S NEW TV DINNER PRODUCT
You must first remove the plastic cover. By doing so you agree to accept and honor Microsoft rights to all TV dinners. You may not give anyone else a bite of your dinner (which would constitute an infringement of Microsoft’s rights). You may, however, let others smell and look [...]

Microsoft has just released it’s update to TimeTraveller 1.0?, the popular computer application that turns Pentium-based PCs into time machines.
The first version of TimeTraveller?, Microsoft now concedes, was not without problems. Unhappy users from around the world flooded the support line with calls. “My son was trying to go back a week earlier to [...]

ICROSOFT TESTS NUCLEAR DEVICE AT SECRET HANFORD FACILITY
REDMOND (BNN)–World leaders reacted with stunned silence as Microsoft Corp. (MSFT) conducted an underground nuclear test at a secret facility in eastern Washington state. The device, exploded at 9:22 am PDT (1622 GMT/12:22 pm EDT) today, was timed to coincide with talks between Microsoft and the US Department [...]

Q: How many MicroSoft tech support people dies it take to change a light bulb?
A: We have an exact copy of the light bulb here, and it seems to be working fine. Can you tell me what kind of system you have? Okay. Now exactly how dark is it? Okay, there could be 4 or [...]

In Japan, they have replaced the impersonal and unhelpful Microsoft error messages with Haiku poetry messages. Haiku poetry has strict construction rules - each poem has only 17 syllables; 5; syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, 5 in the third. They are used to communicate a timeless message, often achieving a wistful, [...]

You’ll probably only “get” this one if you’ve been around MS operating systems since 1995 - MS Bob was introduced in March of ‘95 and quickly disappeared as the public was not enamored with him - Doug
MICROSOFT TESTER DIES TRAGICALLY AT HANDS OF “PAL”
REDMOND, Wa - The Microsoft Redmond Campus was rocked by tragedy today [...]

Microsoft Corporation has taken another step toward dominating every aspect of American life with the introduction of Contraceptive99, a suite of applications designed for users who engage in sex. Microsoft has been a pioneer in peer-to-peer connectivity and plug and play. It believes these technologies will give it substantial leverage [...]

The marketing people at Microsoft and their ad agency have really done it this time.
The choral background music for the recent IE TV ads is the Confutatis:
Maledictis from Mozart’s Requiem (Mass for the dead). The words of the final blast of music that accompanies “Where do you want to go today?” are “confutatis maledictis, flammis [...]

An unemployed man goes to try for a job with Microsoft as a cleaner. The manager there arranges
for an aptitude test (Section: Floors, sweeping and cleaning).
After the test, the manager says:
“You will be appointed on the scale of $30 per day. Let me have your e-mail address, so that I
can send you a form [...]

Costello: Hey, Abbot!
Abbot: Yes, Lou?
Costello: I just got my first computer.
Abbot: That’s great Lou. What did you get?
Costello: A Pentium II-266, with 40 Megs of RAM, a 2.1 Gig hard drive,
and a 24X CD-ROM.
Abbot: That’s terrific, Lou.
Costello: But I don’t know what any of it means!
Abbot: You will in time.
Costello: That’s exactly why I am [...]