No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
One Sunday, in counting the money in the weekly offering, the Pastor of a small church found a pink envelope containing $1,000. It happened again the next week.
The following Sunday, he watched as the offering was collected and saw an elderly woman put the distinctive pink envelope on the plate. This went on for weeks until the pastor, overcome by curiosity, approached her.
‘Ma’am, I couldn’t help but notice that you put $1,000 a week in the collection plate,’ he stated.
‘Why yes,’ she replied, ‘every week my son sends me money and I give some of it to the church’
The pastor replied, ‘That’s wonderful. But $1000 is a lot, are you sure you can afford this? How much does he send you?’
The elderly woman answered, ‘$10,000 a week.’
The pastor was amazed. ‘Your son is very successful; what does he do for a living?’
‘He is a veterinarian,’ she answered.
‘That’s an honourable profession, but I had no idea they made that much money,’ the pastor said. “Where does he practice?’
The woman answered proudly, ‘In Nevada. He has two cat houses, one in Las Vegas, and one in Reno.’
Technorati Tags: weekly offering, veterinaria, cat houses, comedy, funny, humour, humor, jokes
Q: Where can women over the age of 60 find young, sexy men, who are interested in them?
A: Try a bookstore. Under fiction.
Q: What can a man do while his wife is going through menopause?
A: Keep busy. If you’re handy with tools, you can finish the basement. When you are done you will have a place to live.
Q: How can you increase the heart rate of your 60+ year old husband?
A: Tell him you’re pregnant.
Q: How can you avoid spotting a wrinkle every time you walk by a mirror?
A: The next time you’re in front of a mirror, take off your glasses.
Q: Why should 60+ year old people use valet parking?
A: Valets don’t forget where they park your car.
Q: Is it common for 60+ year olds to have problems with short term memory storage?
A: Storing memory is not a problem. Retrieving it is a problem.
Q: As people age, do they sleep more soundly?
A: Yes, but usually in the afternoon.
Q: Where do 60+ year olds look for fashionable glasses?
A: Their foreheads.
Q: What is the most common remark made by 60+ year olds when they enter antique stores?
A: “I remember these!”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, elderly, jokes, comedy
Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on
His buddies all chimed in and said, ‘Let’s do it!
We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.’
Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.
The first guy says, ‘Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.’
Number 2 guy says, ‘I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.’
Number 3 guy says ‘Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.’
They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.
‘I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf‘ and she said….. ‘Take a sweater.’
Technorati Tags: golf, Merry Christmas, sex or golf, humour, humor, funny, jokes, comedy
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country
club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde
who knocks everyone’s socks off with her youthful sex appeal and charm.
She hangs onto Bob’s arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they
corner him and ask, “Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?”
Bob replies, “Girlfriend? She’s my wife!”
They’re amazed, but continue to ask. “So, how did you persuade her
to marry you?”
“I lied about my age”, Bob replies.
“What, did you tell her you were only 50?”
Bob smiles and says, “No, I told her I was 90.”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, elderly,
Dear Tide…
I am writing to say what an excellent product you have! I’ve used it all of my married life, as my Mom always told me it was the best. Now that I am in my fifties I find it even better! In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My inconsiderate and uncaring husband started to belittle me about how clumsy I was, and generally started becoming a pain in the neck. One thing led to another and somehow I ended up with his blood on my new white blouse! I grabbed my bottle of Tide with bleach alternative, to my surprise and satisfaction, all of the stains came out! In fact, the stains came out so well the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I was no longer considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband.
What a relief! Going through menopause is bad enough without being a murder suspect! I thank you, once again, for having a great product.
Well, gotta go, have to write to the Hefty bag people
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, elderly, couples
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa. “How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” says Grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.”
“Oh, no ! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,” Grandpa says with a great big smile.
“There’s a musician here — he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!”
“There is a judge in here — he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honour’!”
ôAnd there’s a physician here — 90 years old. He hasn’t been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor’!”
“And what about you Grandpa,” asks the grandson.
“And me, why I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me ‘the fucking Arab’!”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, nursing home,
A couple of old guys were golfing one day, when one of the men said that he was going to go to Dr. Basil for a new set of dentures in the morning.
His elderly friend remarked that he, too, had gone to the very same dentist two years before.
“Is that so?” the first old gentleman asked. “Did he do a good job?”
The second gent replied, “Well, I was on the golf course yesterday when the fellow on the ninth hole hooked a shot. The ball must have been going at least 200 mph when it smacked me right in the nuts.”
The first old guy was confused and asked, “What does that have to do with your dentures?”
The second man answered, “That was the first time in two years that my teeth didn’t hurt.”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, golf, dentist
An elderly man in Florida had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back, fixed up nicely: Picnic tables, horseshoe courts, a volleyball court, and some apple and peach trees. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond and look it over, as he hadn’t been there in a while. He grabbed a five- gallon bucket to bring back some fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end. One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man frowned, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out of the pond naked.”
Holding the bucket up he said, “I’m here to feed the alligator.”
Old men can still think fast.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, blonde, blond, not PC, elderly
A very self-important college freshman attending a recent football game, took it upon himself to explain to a senior citizen sitting next to him why it was impossible for the older generation to understand his generation.
“You grew up in a different world, actually an almost primitive one,” the student said, loud enough for many of those nearby to hear. “The young people of today grew up with television, jet planes, space travel, man walking on the moon, our spaceships have visited Mars. We have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing ….and,” pausing to take another drink of beer.
The Senior took advantage of the break in the student’s litany and said, “You’re right, son. We didn’t have those things when we were young……..so we invented them. Now, you arrogant little shit, what are you doing for the next generation?”
The applause was resounding.
Technorati Tags: jokes, humour, humor, funny
A little old lady is walking down the street dragging two plastic garbage bags with her, one in each hand. There’s a hole in one of the bags and every once in a while a $20 bill is flying out of it onto the pavement. Noticing this, a policeman stops her.
“Ma’am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag.”
“Damn!” says the little old lady…..”I’d better go back and see if I can still find some. Thanks for the warning!”
“Well, now, not so fast now,” says the cop. “How did you get all that money? Did you steal it?”
“Oh, no”, says the little old lady. “You see, my back yard backs on St. Pat’s Ball Park. Each time there’s a game, a lot of fans come and pee in the bushes and right into my flower beds! So, I go and stand behind the bushes with a big hedge clipper, and each time someone sticks his thingy through the bushes, I say ‘$20 or off it comes’!”
“Hey, not a bad idea!” laughs the cop. “OK, good luck! By the way, what’s in the other bag?”
“Well,” says the little old lady, “some guys think I’m bluffing”.
Technorati Tags: little old lady, plastic garbage bags, jokes, humour, humor, not PC
Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and had never been married. She was admired for her sweetness and kindness to all. One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to have a seat while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a cut-glass bowl sitting on top of it. The bowl was filled with water, and in the water floated, of all things, a condom! When she returned with tea and scones, they began to chat. The pastor tried to stifle his curiosity about the bowl of water and its strange floater, but soon it got the better of him and He could no longer resist.
“Miss Beatrice”, he said, “I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the Park a few months ago and I found this little package on the ground. The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter.”
An older man was speeding down the road at 80 mph when he looked in his rearview mirror and saw a Texas Highway Patrol car coming with its lights flashing and siren blaring. Thinking he could outrun the trooper, the man speeded up to 100 mph. Suddenly, he realized his foolishness and pulled over to the side of the road and stopped.
The trooper pulled up, walked up to the car and said, “Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes and it’s Friday. If you can give me a reason why you were speeding that I’ve never heard before, I’ll let you go.”
The man looked at the trooper and said, “Last week my wife ran off with a State Trooper and I thought you were bringing her back.”
The trooper replied, “Have a nice day.”
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He’d been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He had a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand. He looked at the old man and laughed.
Then he said, “Hey old man have you ever danced?”
The old man looked up at him and said, “Nope, never had a hankering to.”
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, “Well you old fool you’re gonna dance now,” and he started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old man was hopping around and everybody was laughing. He fired his last bullet, holstered his gun and turned around to go back in the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, got his 10 gauge shotgun and pulled both hammers back, making a loud click. The gunslinger heard this, then everything got quiet. He slowly turned around and was looking at the old prospector aiming both barrels right at him.
The old man asked him, “Did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?”
The gunslinger swallowed hard, then said, “No Sir, but I’ve always wanted to!”
Two old guys, one 80 and one 87, were sitting on their usual park bench one morning. The 87 year old had just finished his morning jog and wasn’t even short of breath. The 80 year old was amazed at his friend’s stamina and asked him what he did to have so much energy.
The 87 year old said “Well, I eat rye bread every day. It keeps your energy level high and you’ll have great stamina with the ladies.”
So, on the way home, the 80 year old stops at the bakery. As he was looking around, the lady asked if he needed any help. He said, “Do you have any rye bread?”
She said, “Yes, there’s a whole shelf of it. Would you like some?”
He said, “I want 5 loaves.
She said, “My goodness, 5 loaves…by the time you get to the 5th loaf, it’ll be hard”
He replied, “I can’t believe it, everybody in the world knows about this shit but me.
A drunk man walks into a biker bar, sits down at the bar and orders a drink.
Looking around, he sees three men sitting at a corner table. He gets up, staggers to the table,leans over, looks the biggest, meanest, biker in the face and says: “I went by your grandma’s house today and I saw her in the hallway buck naked. Man, she is one fine looking woman!”
The biker looks at him and doesn’t say a word. His buddies are confused, because he is one bad biker and would fight at the drop of a hat.
The drunk leans on the table again and says: “I got it on with your grandma and she is good, the best I ever had!”
The biker’s buddies are starting to get really mad but the biker still says nothing.
The drunk leans on the table one more time and says, “I’ll tell you something else, boy, your grandma liked it!”
At this point the biker stands up, takes the drunk by the shoulders looks him square in the eyes and says……………….
“Grandpa,……. Go home, you’re drunk.”
The policeman is making his evening rounds in the small town.
As he slowly drives past a used car lot, he notices two old ladies sitting together in a car. The used car lot had been closed for some time, so the policeman is curious. He stops and walks over.
“Evening, ladies,” he says. “Not trying to steal this car, I hope,” he says gently.
“Good gracious, no!” say the ladies. “We bought this car.”
“Then why don’t you drive it away?”
The two old ladies look up at the policeman and smile shyly. “Well, we were told that if we bought a second-hand car at this place we’d get screwed for sure. So — we’re just waiting …”
Toward the end of Sunday service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question.
All responded this time, except one small elderly lady.
“Mrs. Jones?”; “Are you not willing to forgive your enemies?”
“I don’t have any.” She replied, smiling sweetly.
“Mrs. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?”
“Ninety-eight.” she replied.
“Oh Mrs. Jones, would you please come down in front & tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years & not have an enemy in the world?”
The little sweetheart of a lady tottered down the aisle, faced the congregation, and said: “I outlived the bitches
Many of us “Old Folks” (those over 50, WAY over 50, or hovering near 50) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We are unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to Conform to current fashions. Despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together And should be avoided:
And last, but not least…my personal favorite
An old man was sitting on a bench at the mall. A young man walked up to the bench and sat down. He had spiked hair all different colors - green, red, orange, blue, and yellow.
The old man just stared.
The young man said, “What’s the matter old timer, never done anything wild in your life?”
The old man replied, “Got drunk once and had sex with a parrot. I was just wondering if you were my son.”
Are you feeling old?
If not, consider this:
So, my superannuated friends, why don’t we all get together and feel obsolete over some Geritol Tea?
One Sunday a pastor told the congregation that the church needed some extra money and asked the people to prayerfully consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns.
After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had placed a $1,000 bill in offering. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation and said he’d like to personally thank the person who placed the money in the plate.
A very quiet, elderly and saintly lady all the way in the back shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and in thanksgiving asked her to pick out three hymns.
Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, “I’ll take him
and him
and him.”
This is for all the germ conscious folks that worry about using cold water to clean.
John went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural area of Georgia.
After spending a great evening chatting the night away, John’s grandfather prepared breakfast of bacon, eggs and toast. However, John noticed a film like substance on his plate, and questioned his grandfather asking, “Are these plates clean?”
His grandfather replied, “They’re as clean as cold water can get them. Just you go ahead and finish your meal, Sonny!”
For lunch the old man made hamburgers. Again, John was concerned about the plates as his appeared to have tiny specks around the edge that looked like dried egg and asked, “Are you sure these plates are clean?”
Without looking up the old man said, “I told you before, Sonny, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them. Now don’t you fret, I don’t want to hear another word about it!”
Later that afternoon, John was on his way to a nearby town and as he was leaving, his grandfather’s dog started to growl, and wouldn’t let him pass. John yelled and said, “Grandfather, your dog won’t let me get to my car”.
Without diverting his attention from the football game he was watching on TV, the old man shouted …
“COLDWATER, GO LAY DOWN!!!!”
Four retired guys are walking down a street in Yorkton. Then they turn a corner and see a sign that says: Old Timer’s Bar ALL DRINKS: 10 CENTS.
They look at each other, then go in The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room,
“Come on in and let me pour one for you, what’ll it be, Gentlemen?”
There seems to be a fully stocked bar, so the men all ask for a martini.In short order, the bartender serves up 4 iced martinis - and says,
“That’ll be 10 cents each, please.”
They can’t believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced with the bartender again saying,
“That’s 40 more cents, please.”
They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity is more than they can stand. They’ve each had two martinis and so far they’ve spent less than a dollar. Finally one of the men couldn’t stand it any longer and asks the bartender
“How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?”
“Here’s my story. I’m a retired farmer from Regina, and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $25 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime, wine, liquor, beer, all the same.”
“Wow. That’s quite a story” says one of the men.
The four of them sipped at their martinis and couldn’t help but notice three other guys at the end of the bar who didn’t have a drink in front of them, and hadn’t ordered anything the whole time they were there. One man gestures at the three at the end of the bar without drinks and asks the bartender, “What’s with them?”
The bartender says, “They’re Winnipegers, they’re waiting for Happy Hour.”
I find comfort in knowing that I’m not alone….
Recently, I was diagnosed with A.A.A.D.D. - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder. This is how it manifests:
I decided to wash my car. As I start toward the garage, I notice that there is mail on the hall table. I decide to go through the mail before I wash the car. I lay my car keys down on the table, put the junk mail in the trash can under the table, and notice that the trash can is full.
So, I decide to put the bills back on the table and take out the trash first. But then I think, since I’m going to be near the mailbox when I take out the trash anyway, I may as well pay the bills first.
I take my checkbook off the table, and see that there is only one check left. My extra checks are in my desk in the study, so I go to my desk where I find the can of Coke that I had been drinking.
I’m going to look for my checks, but first I need to push the Coke aside so that I don’t accidentally knock it over. I see that the Coke is getting warm, and I decide I should put it in the refrigerator to keep it cold.
As I head toward the kitchen with the coke a vase of flowers on the counter catches my eye-they need to be watered. I set the Coke down on the counter, and I discover my reading glasses that I’ve been searching for all morning. I decide I better put them back on my desk, but first I’m going to water the flowers. I set the glasses back down on the counter, fill a container with water and suddenly I spot the TV remote. Someone left it on the kitchen table. I realize that tonight when we go to watch TV, we will be looking for the remote, but nobody will remember that it’s on the kitchen table, so I decide to put it back in the den where it belongs, but first I’ll water the flowers.
I splash some water on the flowers, but most of it spills on the floor. So, I set the remote back down on the table, get some towels and wipe up the spill. Then I head down the hall trying to remember what I was planning to do.
At the end of the day: the car isn’t washed, the bills aren’t paid, there is a warm can of Coke sitting on the counter, the flowers aren’t watered, there is still only one check in my checkbook, I can’t find the remote, I can’t find my glasses, and I don’t remember what I did with the car keys.
Then when I try to figure out why nothing got done today, I’m really baffled because I know I was busy all day long, and I’m really tired. I realize this is a serious problem, and I’ll try to get some help for it, but first I’ll check my e-mail.
Do me a favor, will you? Forward this message to everyone you know, because I don’t remember to whom it has been sent.
If this doesn’t apply to you, don’t laugh - = - your day is coming!
A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
< .li>HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail…all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you and what do you want?”
“Hi,” said the man “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you up and I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run away.”
The old woman asked, “What makes you think you’re so great in bed?”
To which he replied, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”