No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
A rich, lonely widow decided that she needed another man in her life, so she placed a personal ad that read:
RICH WIDOW LOOKING FOR MAN TO SHARE LIFE AND FORTUNE WITH THE FOLLOWING QUALIFICATIONS:
< .li>HAS TO BE GREAT IN BED
For several months, her phone rang off the hook, her doorbell was ringing constantly, she received tons of mail…all to no avail. None of the men seemed to meet her qualifications. Then one day the doorbell rang yet again. She opened the door to find a man, with no arms and no legs, lying on the welcome mat. Perplexed, she asked, “Who are you and what do you want?”
“Hi,” said the man “Your search is over, for I am the man of your dreams. I’ve got no arms, so I can’t beat you up and I’ve got no legs, so I can’t run away.”
The old woman asked, “What makes you think you’re so great in bed?”
To which he replied, “I rang the doorbell, didn’t I?”
An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn’t find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.
Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: “Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000. Please advise”
The old man faxed back: “Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap.
A funeral service is being held for a woman who has just passed away. At the end of the service, the pall bearers are carrying the casket out when they accidentally bump into a wall, jarring the casket. They hear a faint moan! They open the casket and find that the woman is actually alive!
She lives for ten more years, and then dies.
Once again, a ceremony is held, and at the end of it, the pall bearers are again carrying out the casket. As they carry the casket towards the door, the husband cries out: “Watch that damn wall!”
An old farmer had owned a large farm for several years. He had a large pond in the back forty, fixed up nice; picnic tables, horseshoe courts, basketball court, etc. The pond was properly shaped and fixed up for swimming when it was built.
One evening the old farmer decided to go down to the pond, as he hadn’t been there for a while, and look it over. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and laughing with glee. As he came closer he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny dipping in his pond.
He made the women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end of the pond.
One of the women shouted to him, “We’re not coming out until you leave!”
The old man replied, “I didn’t come down here to watch you ladies swim or make you get out of the pond naked.
“I only came to feed the alligators.”
Moral: Old age and treachery will triumph over youth and skill.
When I went to lunch today, I noticed an old lady sitting on a park bench sobbing her eyes out. I stopped and asked her what was wrong.
She said, “I have a 22 year old husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and makes me pancakes, sausages, fresh fruit and freshly ground coffee.”
I said, “Well, then why are you crying?”
She said, “He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then makes love to me for half the afternoon”.
I said, “Well, why are you crying?”
She said, “For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite dessert and then makes love to me until 2:00 a.m.
I said, “Well, why in the world would you be crying?”
She said, “I can’t remember where I live!”
Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says, “Sam, I’m 83 years old now and I’m just full of aches and pains. I know you’re about my age. How do you feel?”
Sam says, “Well, I feel just like a new-born baby.”
“Really!? Like a baby!?”
“Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet myself.”
Two old ladies were outside their nursing home, having a smoke, when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette, and continued smoking.
Sally: What’s that?
Molly: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn’t get wet.
Sally: Where did you get it?
Molly: You can get them at any drugstore.
The next day, Sally hobbles herself into the local drugstore and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The guy, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but he very delicately asks what brand she prefers.
Sally: Doesn’t matter son, as long as it fits a Camel.
The pharmacist fainted !!
When the husband died his wife put the usual death notice in the paper, but added that he died of gonorrhea. No sooner were the papers delivered when a good friend of the family phoned and complained bitterly,
“You know very well that he died of diarrhea, not gonorrhea.
Replied the widow, “I nursed him night and day so of course I know he died of diarrhea, but I thought it would be better for posterity to remember him as a great lover rather than the big shit he always was.”
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards.
One day they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, “Now don’t get mad at me. I know we’ve been friends for a long time…..but I just can’t think of your name! I’ve thought and thought, but I can’t remember it. Please tell me what your name is.”
Her friend glared at her. For at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, “How soon do you need to know?”
This couple was 85 years old and had been married for sixty years. Though they were far from young, they were both in very good health for their age, largely due to the wife’s insistence on health food and exercise for the last decade.
One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven. They reached the pearly gates and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with an eternally stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath.
They gasped in astonishment when he said, “Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.”
The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost.
“Why, nothing,” Peter replied, “remember, this is your reward in Heaven.”
They went out behind the mansion, where they were shown the adjacent championship golf course, finer and more beautiful! than any ever built on Earth.
“What are the greens fees?”, grumbled the old man.
“This is heaven,” St. Peter replied. “You can play for free, every day.”
Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, and free-flowing beverages and a fountain of champagne.
“Don’t even ask,” said St. Peter to the man. “This is Heaven. It is all free for you to enjoy.”
The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife. “Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?” he asked. “That’s the best part,”
St. Peter replied. “You can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!”
The old man glared at his wife and said, “You and your damn bran muffins. I could have been here ten years ago!”
This old man in his eighties got up and was putting on his coat.
His wife says, “Where are you going?”
He said, “I’m going to the doctor.”
And she said, “Are you sick?”
“No” he said, “I’m going to get me some of those new Viagra pills.”
So his wife gets out of her rocker and puts on her coat.
He said,” Where are you going?”
She said, “I’m going to the doctor too.”
He said, “why?”
She said, “If you’re going to start using that rusty old thing I’m going to get a tetanus shot.
Everyone has been guilty of looking at others own age and thinking…surely I cannot look that old. I’m sure you’ve done the same. You may enjoy this short story….
While waiting for my first appointment in the reception room of a new dentist, I noticed his certificate, which bore his full name. Suddenly, I remembered that a tall, handsome boy with the same name had been in my high school class some 55 years ago. Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was too old to have been my classmate. After he had examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the local high school.
“Yes,” he replied.
“When did you graduate?” I asked.
He answered, “In 1946″
“Why, you were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely and then asked, “What did you teach?”
An old man was on the beach and walked up to a beautiful girl in a bikini - “I want to feel your breasts” he exclaimed.
“Get away from me, you crazy old man” she replied.
“I want to feel your breasts, I will give you twenty dollars,” he says.
“Twenty dollars, are you nuts!? Get away from me!”
“I want to feel your breasts, I will give you ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS” he stated.
“NO! Get away from me!”
“TWO HUNDRED DOLLARS” he offered;
She paused to think about it, but then comes to her senses and said, “I said NO!”
“FIVE HUNDRED DOLLARS if you let me feel your breasts,” he claimed.
She thought, well he is old, and he seems harmless enough…and $500 IS a lot of money…. “Well, OK…but only for a minute.” She loosened her bikini top and while both are standing there on the beach, he slid his hands underneath and began to feel… then he started saying, “OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…” while he was caressing them;
Out of curiosity, she asked him, “Why do you keep saying, ‘Oh my God, oh my God?’”
While continuing to feel her breasts he answered, “OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD…OH MY GOD… OH MY GOD, where am I going to get $500.00
An old lady dies and goes to heaven and is chatting with St Peter at the Pearly Gates when all of a sudden she hears the most awful blood-curdling screams.
“Don’t worry about that,” says St Peter, “it’s only someone having the holes bored on their shoulder blades for the wings.”
The old lady looks a little uncomfortable but carries on with the conversation.
Ten minutes later, there are more blood-curdling screams. “Oh my God,” says the old lady, “NOW what is happening?”
“Not to worry,” says St Peter, “they are just having their head drilled to fit the halo.”
“I can’t do this,” says the old lady, “I’m off down to hell.”
“You can’t go there,” says St Peter, You’ll be raped and sodomized.”
“Yes, but I’ve already got the holes for that,” says the old lady.
I’m Fine - How are you?
There’s nothing the matter with me, I’m just as healthy as can be, I have arthritis in both knees, And when I talk, I talk with a wheeze. My pulse is weak, my blood is thin, But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.
All my teeth have had to come out, And my diet I hate to think about. I’m overweight and I can’t get thin, But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.
And arch supports I need for my feet. Or I wouldn’t be able to go out in the street. Sleep is denied me night after night, But every morning I find I’m all right. My memory’s failing, my head’s in a spin. But I’m awfully well for the shape I’m in.
Old age is golden … I’ve heard it said, But sometimes I wonder, as I go to bed. With my ears in a drawer, my teeth in a cup, And my glasses on a shelf, until I get up. And when sleep dims my eyes, I say to myself, Is there anything else I should lay on the shelf?
The reason I know my Youth has been spent, Is my get-up-and-go has got-up-and-went! But really I don’t mind, when I think with a grin, Of all the places my get-up has been.
I get up each morning and dust off my wits, Pick up the paper and read the obits. If my name is missing, I’m therefore not dead, So I eat a good breakfast and jump back into bed.
The moral of this as the tale unfolds, Is that for you and me, who are growing old. It is better to say “I’m fine” with a grin, Than to let people know the shape we are in.
Grandma and Grandpa were watching a healing service on the television. The evangelist called to all who wanted to be healed to go to their television set, place one hand on the TV and the other hand on the bodypart where they wanted to be healed.
Grandma got up and slowly hobbled to the television set, placed her right hand on the set and her left hand on her arthritic shoulder that was causing her to have great pain.
Then Grandpa got up, went to the TV, placed his right hand on the set and his left hand on his crotch.
Grandma scowled at him and said, “I guess you just don’t get it. The purpose of doing this is to heal the sick, not to raise the dead!”
Fred and his wife Edna went to the state fair every year. Every year Fred would say, “Edna, I’d like to ride in that there airplane.”
And every year Edna would say, “I know Fred, but that airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
One year Fred and Edna went to the fair and Fred said, “Edna, I’m 71 years old. If I don’t ride that airplane this year I may never get another chance.”
Edna replied, “Fred that there airplane ride costs ten dollars, and ten dollars is ten dollars.”
The pilot overheard them and said, “Folks, I’ll make you a deal. I’ll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won’t charge you, but if you say one word it’s ten dollars.”
Fred and Edna agreed and up they go. The pilot does all kinds of twists and turns, rolls and dives, but not a word is heard. He does all his tricks over again, but still not a word. They land and the pilot turns to Fred, “By golly, I did everything I could think of to get you to yell out, but you didn’t.”
Fred replied, “Well, I was gonna say something when Edna fell out, but ten dollars is ten dollars.”
An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his annual checkup. The doctor asks him how he’s feeling.
The 80-year-old says, “I’ve never felt better. I have an 18-year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. What do you think about that?”
The doctor considers his question for a minute and says, “I have a friend who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was going out in a bit of a hurry, he accidentally picked up his umbrella rather than his gun. When he got to the creek, he saw a prime beaver sitting beside the stream of water. He raised his umbrella and went, “Bang, bang”, and the beaver fell over dead. What do you think of that?”
The 80-year-old said, “I’d say somebody else shot that beaver.”
The doctor replied, “My point exactly.”
Defense Attorney: What is your age?
Little Old Woman: I am 86 years old.
Defense Attorney: On the first day of April last year, will you tell us, in your own words, what happened to you?
Little Old Woman: There I was, sitting there in my swing on my front porch on a warm spring evening, when a young man comes creeping up on the porch and sat down beside me.
Defense Attorney: Did you know him?
Little Old Woman: No, but he sure was friendly.
Defense Attorney: What happened after he sat down beside you?
Little Old Woman: He started to rub my thigh.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him?
Little Old Woman: No, I didn’t stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: It felt good. Nobody had done that since my Abner passed away some 30 years ago.
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: He began to rub my breasts.
Defense Attorney: Did you stop him then?
Little Old Woman: No, I did not stop him.
Defense Attorney: Why not?
Little Old Woman: Why, Your Honor, his rubbing made me feel all alive and excited. I haven’t felt that good in years!
Defense Attorney: What happened next?
Little Old Woman: Well, I was feeling so spicy that I just spread my legs and said to him, “Take me, young man, Take me!”
Defense Attorney: Did he take you?
Little Old Woman: Hell, no. He yelled, “April Fool!” and that’s when I shot the son of a bitch!!!
Three old ladies were sitting side by side in their retirement home reminiscing. The first lady recalled shopping at Green’s grocers and demonstrated with her hands, the length and thickness of a cucumber she could buy for a penny.
The second old lady nodded, adding that onions used to be much bigger and cheaper also, and demonstrated the size of two big onions she could buy for a penny a piece.
The third old lady remarked, “I can’t hear a word you’re saying, but I remember the guy you’re talking about.”
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench.
Ethel said, “You know,Mabel, I’ve been reading this ‘Sex and Marriage’ book and all they talk about is ‘mutual orgasm’. ‘Mutual orgasm’here and mutual orgasm’ there - that’s all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?”.
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, “No, I think we had State Farm.”
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks,
“Do you still get horny?”
The other replies, “Oh sure I do.”
The first old lady asks, “What do you do about it?”
The second old lady replies, “I suck a lifesaver.”
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, “Who drives you to the beach?
There were three little old ladies sitting on a park bench having a
quiet conversation when a flasher approached from across the park. The
flasher came up to the ladies, stood right in front of them and opened
his trench coat.
A 75 year old woman went to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor told her she needed more activity and recommended sex three times a week.
She said to the doctor, “Please, tell my husband.”
The doctor walked into the waiting room and told her husband that his wife needed to have sex three times a week.
The 80 year old husband replied, “Which days?”
The doctor answered, “How about Monday, Wednesday and Friday.”
The husband said, “I can bring her Monday and Wednesday, but on Fridays, she’ll have to take the bus.”
A foursome of senior golfers hit the course with waning enthusiasm for the sport.
“These hills are getting steeper as the years go by,” one complained.
“These fairways seem to be getting longer too,” said one of the others.
“The sand traps seem to be bigger than I remember them too,” said the third senior.
After hearing enough from his Senior buddies, the oldest, and the wisest of the four of them at 87 years old, piped up and said, “Just be thankful we’re still on the right side of the grass!”