No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
A couple was watching a Discovery Channel special about a West African ‘bush tribe’ whose men all had penises 24 inches long.
When the black male reaches a certain age, a string is tied around his penis and on the other end is a weight. After a while, the weight stretches the penis to 24 inches.
Later that evening as the husband was getting out of the shower, his wife looked at him and said, ‘How about we try the African string-and- weight procedure?
‘The husband agreed and they tied a string and a weight to his penis.
A few days later, the wife asked the husband,’How is our little ‘tribal experiment’ coming along?’
‘Well, it looks like we’re about half way there,’ he replied.
‘Wow, you mean it’s grown to 12 inches?’
‘No, it’s turned black.’
Technorati Tags: joke.humour, humor, penis, african, comedy
Two Mexicans are riding along the Pacific Coast Highway on a motorbike. They experience a break down and start to hitch a ride.
A friendly trucker stops to see if he can be of some help and the Mexicans ask him for a lift. He tells them he has no room in the trailer as he is carrying 10,000 bowling balls.
The Mexicans ask the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back with their bike, will he take them to the next town and he agrees.
They manage to squeeze their motorcycle and themselves into the back of the trailer so the driver shuts the doors and gets back on his way. By this time he is really late and so puts his foot down.
Sure enough the California Highway Patrol pulls him over for speeding. The good officer asks the driver what he is carrying to which he replies jokingly–’Mexican eggs‘.
The patrolman obviously doesn’t believe this so he wants to take a look. He opens the b ack door of the trailer and quickly shuts it and locks it.He gets on his radio and calls for immediate backup from as many officersas possible..
The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers..’I've got a tractor trailer with 10,000 Mexican eggs in it. Only 2 have hatched so far, but they’ve already managed to steal a motorcycle.’
Technorati Tags: Mexicans, Pacific Coast Highwa, friendly trucke, motorcycle, California Highway Patrol, Mexican eggs, humour, humor, comedy, funny, joke
A Russian woman married a Canadian gentleman and they lived happily ever after in Toronto . However, the poor lady was not very proficient in English, but did manage to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries.
One day, she went to the butcher and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn’t know how to put forward her request, and in desperation, clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message, and gave her the chicken legs.
Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn’t know how to say it, and so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again, and gave her some chicken breasts.
On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought her husband to the store…
(more…)
A man’s in bed with his Thai girlfriend.
After having great sex, she spends the next hour just stroking his penis, something she had lovingly done on many occassions.
Rather enjoying it, he turns and asks her, ‘Why do you love doing that?’
She replies: ‘Because sometimes I really miss mine’.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, Thai, sex
From my good friend Stu
Once upon a time there was a salesmen’s conference being held in New York , coincidentally on St. Patrick’s day so that the attendees could attend the celebrations there ‘for free’. There were three Italians attending who were not acquainted with the disgusting American-Irish practice of putting green colouring in their
gnat’s piss“beer” on that day. One of the salesmen was from St.Peter’s Square (Rome), one from Naples and one from that place half underwater (Venice). They went into an Irish Pub.The barman - an ex-porter who claimed to be (or not to be) a shakespearian actor “between engagements” - was thus asked by these 3 salesmen if he had any REAL irish beers (stouts). He said he had a choice of Guinness, Mackeson’s or Murphy’s stouts. The bible salesman from Rome asked him what was the difference, so the actor/barman explained : “They are all dark stouts but the Guinness is bitter and has a fine creamy head, albeit spoiled by the addition of green colouring today.” The mafiosi from Naples then asked “And the Mackeson?” Turning to the spaghetti salesman from Naples, he explained “The Mackeson’s is sweeter, a hint of caramel, with a larger head with larger bubbles in the foam, spoiled today by the green colouring too.” The third salesman asked “And the other one, is it spoiled by green colouring too?” Striking a Shakespearian pose, the porter/actor/barman turned to the Merchant of Venice
and declaimed “The quality of Murphy’s is not stained…”
Technorati Tags: How To Identify a Persian Cat, persian, cats, humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, suicide bomber
Technorati Tags: humor, humour, jokes, comedy, funny, Alberta, Calgary, Edmonton, driving
Technorati Tags: Oil Sands, Edmonton, Canada, Calgary, humor, humour, jokes, comedy, funny
Two Newfies are out hunting, and as they are walking along they come upon a huge hole in the ground. They approach it and are amazed by the size of it.
The first hunter says ‘Wow, that’s some hole, I can’t even see the bottom, I wonder how deep it is?’
The second hunter says ‘I don’t know, let’s throw something down and listen and see how long it takes to hit bottom.’
The first hunter says ‘There’s this old transmission here, give me a hand and we’ll throw it in and see’.
So they pick it up and carry it over, and count one, and two and three, and throw it in the hole. They are standing there listening and looking over the edge and they hear a rustling in the brush behind them. As they turn around they see a goat come crashing through the brush, run up to the hole, and with no hesitation, and go in headfirst.
While they are standing there looking at each other, looking in the hole, and trying to figure out what that was all about, an old farmer walks up. ‘Say there’, says the farmer, ‘you fellers didn’t happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?’
The first hunter says ‘Funny you should ask, but we were just standing here a minute ago and a goat came running out of the bushes doin’ about a hunert miles an hour and jumped headfirst into this hole here!’
And the old farmer said ‘Why that’s impossible, I had him chained to a transmission!
Technorati Tags: humor, humour, jokes, comedy, funny
One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.
It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said ‘Hey baby, how about playing Weeweechu.’
‘Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon’ said Jung Lee.
‘Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,’ Huan Cho begged.
‘But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon.’
‘Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me.’
Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, ‘OK, we’ll play Weeweechu.’….
98% OF CANADIANS SAY ‘OH SHIT‘ BEFORE GOING IN THE DITCH ON A SLIPPERY ROAD.
THE OTHER 2% ARE FROM SASKATCHEWAN AND THEY SAY, ‘HOLD MY BEER AND WATCH THIS.’
Technorati Tags: CANADIANS, OH SHIT, SASKATCHEWAN, humour, humor, funny, jokes, comedy
A Newfoundlander working in Toronto decided to visit the zoo one Saturday. While there, he saw a man with an elephant act. The man claimed the elephant could look at a person and tell that person’s age. The Newfoundlander was very skeptical and said so, in no uncertain terms.
The man had the elephant look at a small boy and the elephant stamped its foot 9 times. “Is that right?” he asked the boy.
“Oh yes.” the boy said.
The Newfoundlander was very loud in his not believing that this was true.
The man asked the elephant to tell the ages of several people, and each time the elephant stamped his foot and the people said he was correct.
The Newfoundlander got even louder and more abusive toward the man. Finally the man could take it no longer and wagered the Newfoundlander that the elephant could look at him and tell him his age. The Newfoundlander took him up on the wager.
The elephant looked real close at the skeptic, turned around, raised his tail and broke wind like you wouldn’t believe, Turned back around and stomped his foot twice.
The Newfoundlander stumbled back amazed and with a sound of disbelief in his voice cried, “Gud Lard, me son, he’s right…I’m Farty-two!”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, ethnic humor, Newfoundland
A young Chinese couple gets married. She’s a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn’t know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be reassuring.
‘My darring,’ he whispers, ‘I know dis your firss time and you berry frighten. I pomise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask… so…
whatchu want?’ he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her.
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request. She eventually shyly whispers back, ‘I want to try someting I have heard about from other girls… Numbaa 69.’ More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled
tone he asks her…
‘You want….. Garlic Chicken with steam vegable?
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, ethnic humor, Chinese, virgin, wedding night
A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale has hit Pakistan. Two million Pakistanis have died and over a million are injured. The country is totally ruined and the government doesn’t know where to start with providing help to rebuild. The rest of the world is in shock.
God Bless British generosity.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, ethnic humor, pakistan,
An Arab family was considering putting their grandfather in a nursing home. Since most of the facilities were completely full, they had to put him in a Jewish home.
After a few weeks in the Jewish facility, they came to visit Grandpa. “How do you like it here?” asks the grandson.
“It’s wonderful! Everyone here is so courteous and respectful,” says Grandpa.
“We’re so happy for you. We were worried that this was the wrong place for you. You know, since you are a little different from everyone.”
“Oh, no ! Let me tell you about how wonderfully they treat the residents here,” Grandpa says with a great big smile.
“There’s a musician here — he’s 85 years old. He hasn’t played the violin in 20 years and everyone still calls him ‘Maestro’!”
“There is a judge in here — he’s 95 years old. He hasn’t been on the bench in 30 years and everyone still calls him ‘Your Honour’!”
ôAnd there’s a physician here — 90 years old. He hasn’t been practicing medicine for 25 years and everyone still calls him ‘Doctor’!”
“And what about you Grandpa,” asks the grandson.
“And me, why I haven’t had sex for 35 years and they still call me ‘the fucking Arab’!”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, nursing home,
A Tennessee mountain woman went to the doctor and was told to go home and come back in a couple of days with a specimen.
When she got home, she asked her husband, “What’s a specimen?”
He replied, “Danged if I know. Go next door and ask Edith. She’s a nurse.”
The woman went next door and came back in about twenty minutes with her clothes all torn and with multiple cuts and bruises on her face and body.
“What in the world happened?” asked her husband.
“Danged if I know,” she replied. “I asked Edith what a specimen was and she told me to go piss in a bottle. I told her to go fart in a jug and then all hell broke loose.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, medicine
Here were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane trip for the first time.
The first old lady said, “I don’t know ’bout ya’ll, but I’m gunna wear me sum hot pink panties beefo I gets on dat plane.”
“Why you gonna wear dem?” the other two wanted to know.
The first one replied, “Cause, if dat plane goes down and I’m out dare laying butt-up in a conefield, dey gonna find me first.”
The second old lady says, “Well, I’m gonna wear me sum floesant urange panties.”
“why yo u gonna wear dem?” the other two asked.
The second old lady answered, “Cause if dis hare plane is agoin’ down and I be floatin’ butt-up in tha oshen, dey can see me first.”
The third old lady says, “Well, I ain’t gonna wear no draws…”
“What???..No panties?? the others asked in disbelief.
The third old lady says, “Dat’s right girlfriends, you hears me right. I ain’t wearin’ no draws, cause if’n dis plane goes down, honey chile, dey always look fo da black box first.”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny
A Hillbilly farmer who wanted to get a divorce paid a visit to a lawyer.
The lawyer said, “How can I help you?”
The farmer said, “I want to get one of those dayvorces.”
The lawyer said. “Do you have any grounds?”
The farmer said, “Yes, I got 40 acres.”
The lawyer said,”No, you don’t understand. Do you have a suit”?
The farmer said.”Yes, I got a suit, I wears it to church on Sunday’s.”
The lawyer said,”No, no, I mean, do you have a case?”
The farmer said. “No, I ain’t got a Case, but I got a John Deere.”
The lawyer said, “No, I mean, do you have a grudge?”
The farmer said, “Yes, I got a grudge, that’s where I parks John Deere.”
The lawyer said. “Does your wife beat you up or something”?
The farmer said, “No, we both get up at 4:30.”
The lawyer said, “Is your wife a nagger?”
The farmer said. “No, she’s a little white gal, but our last child was a nagger and that’s why I wants a dayvorce.
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny
For several years, a man was having an affair with an Italian woman. One night, she confided in him that she was pregnant. Not wanting to ruin his reputation or his marriage, He paid her a large sum of money if she would go to Italy to secretly have the child. If she stayed in Italy to raise the child, he would also provide child support until the child turned 18. She agreed, but asked how he would know when the baby was born. To keep it discrete, he told her to simply mail him a post card, and write “Spaghetti” on the back. He would then arrange for the child support payments to begin.
One day, about 9 months later, he came home to his confused wife.”Honey,”she said, “you received a very strange post card today.” “Oh, just give it to me and I’ll explain it later,” he said.The wife obeyed and watched as her husband read the card, turned white,and fainted.
On the card was written:
“Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti, Spaghetti. Three with meatballs, two without.
Send extra sauce.”
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny
Canadian eh!
A recent study found the average Canadian walks about 900 miles a year.
Another study found Canadians drink, on average, 22 gallons of beer a year.
That means, on average, Canadians get about 41 Miles to the gallon!
Technorati Tags: humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny
An Englishman went next door to welcome his new Indian neighbour. He was shocked to see the man from India in his nice backyard chasing ten chickens around like mad. “Must be an Indian custom,” he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till a later date, he went home.
The next day, he decided he was going to welcome the Indian man again. When he looked through his window, he saw the Indian man urinate into a cup and drank it. “Must be an Indian custom,” he thought to himself. Deciding he could put off the welcome till tomorrow, he went on with other stuff.
The third day, he was determined he had to welcome the Indian man. At his gate, he saw the Indian man with his ear pressed against a cow’s big fat butt. He became real angry and went up to the Indian man. “I’m sorry sir, I want to wish you a welcome, but I cannot stand your crazy Indian customs!,” he yelled in the Indian man’s face.
The Indian man looked confused and answered. “Sorry sir, I think you are mistaken. These are actually English customs. I was told, to be English, you have to chase chicks, get piss drunk and listen to bullshit.
Technorati Tags: Englishman, Indian, neighbour, humour, humor, jokes, funny, not PC
Technorati Tags: jokes, humour, humor, not PC, Chinese restaurant
Nelson Mandela is sitting at home watching TV and drinking a beer when he hears a knock at the door.
When he opens it, he is confronted by a little Chinese man, clutching a clip board and yelling, “You Sign! You sign!”
Behind him is an enormous truck full of car exhausts. Nelson is standing there in complete amazement, when the Chinese man starts to yell louder, “You Sign! You sign!”
Nelson says to him, “Look, you’ve obviously got the wrong man”, and shuts the door in his face.
The next day he hears a knock at the door again.
When he opens it, the little Chinese man is back with a huge truck of brake pads. He thrusts his clipboard under Nelson’s nose, yelling, “You sign! You sign!”
Mr Mandela is getting a bit hacked off by now, so he pushes the little Chinese man back, shouting:
“Look, go away! You’ve got the wrong man. I don’t want them!” Then he slams the door in his face again.
The following day, Nelson is resting, and late in the afternoon, he hears a knock on the door again. On opening the door, there is the same little Chinese man thrusting a clipboard under his nose, shouting, “You sign! You sign!”
Behind him are TWO very large trucks full of car parts. This time Nelson loses his temper completely, he picks up the little man by his shirt front and yells at him: “Look, I don’t want these! Do you understand? You must have the wrong name! Who do you want to give these to?”
The little Chinese man looks very puzzled, consults his clipboard,and says:
(It’s a beauty)
(Wait for it)
(Get your best Chinese accent ready)
“You not Nissan Main Deala?”
Technorati Tags: Nelson Mandela, You Sign! You sign, humor, humour, jokes, not PC,
A bloke’s wife goes missing while holidaying on the West Australian coast while they were diving, he spends a terrible night wondering what could have happened to her.
Next morning there’s a knock at the door and he is confronted by a couple of policemen, the old Sarge and a younger Constable.
The Sarge says…”Mate, we have some news for you, unfortunately some really bad news, but, some good news, and maybe some more good news“.
“Well,” says the bloke…”I guess I’d better have the bad news first?”
The Sarge says…”I’m really sorry pal, but your wife is dead, young Bill here found her lying at about five fathoms in a little cleft in the reef, he got a line around her and we pulled her up, but she was dead.
“The bloke is naturally pretty distressed to hear of this and has a bit of a turn, but after a few minutes he pulls himself together and asks what the good news is.
The Sarge says…”Well when we got your wife up there were quite a few really good sized crays and a swag of nice crabs attached to her, so we’ve
brought you your share.” He hands the bloke a sugar bag with a couple of nice crays and four or five crabs in it.
“Geez thanks…They’re bloody beauties. I guess it’s an ill wind and all that…… So what’s the other possible good news?
“Well”, the Sarge says…”if you fancy a quick trip, me and young Bill here get off duty at around 11 o’clock and we’re gonna shoot over there and pull her up again…
Technorati Tags: Australia, diving, bad news, good news, crays, crabs, pull her up again
The Englishman’s wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
“Good God, Woman! Why aren’t you wearing any knickers?” her husband demanded. “Well” she replied, “you don’t give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.” The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $50. Go and buy yourself some underwear.”
Next, the Irishman’s wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt also blows up to show that she is wearing no undies.
“Blessed Virgin Mary, Woman! You’ve no knickers. Why not?” She replies, “I can’t afford any on the money you give me.” He reaches into his pocket and says, “For the sake of decency, here’s $20. Go and buy yourself some underwear!”
Lastly, the Newfie’s wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
“Sweet mudder of Jesus, Aggie! Where the frig are yer drawers?” She too explains, “You didn’t give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.” The Newfie reaches into his pocket and says, “Well, fer the love ‘o Jasus, ‘n the sake of decency, here’s a comb. Tidy yerself up a bit.”