No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
Two Newfies, Archie and Harry, were driving down the road drinking a couple of beers.
The passenger, Harry, suddenly said, “Lord tundering jaisus… up
ahead — it’s a police roadblock!! We’re gonna get busted fer
drinkin’ dese here beers!!”
Don’t worry,” Archie said. “We’ll just pull over and finish dese
beers, then peel off the label, stick it on our foreheads, and trow
de bottles under the seat.”
“What fer?”
“Jist let me do de talkin’, OK?”
So they finished their beers, threw the empties out of sight and
put a label on each of their foreheads. When they reached the roadblock, the police officer took a long look at the two of them
and said, “You boys been drinkin’?”
“No sir,” said Archie, pointing at the labels. “We’re on the patch.”
A married Irishman went into the confessional and said to his priest, “I almost had an affair with another woman.”
The priest said, “What do you mean, almost?”
The Irishman said, “Well, we got undressed and rubbed together, but then I stopped.”
The priest said , “Rubbing together is the same as putting it in. You’re not to see that woman again. For your penance, say five Hail Mary’s and put $50 in the poor box.”
The Irishman left the confessional, said his prayers, and then walked over to the poor box. He paused for a moment and then started to leave. The priest, who was watching, quickly ran over to him saying, “I saw that. You didn’t put any money in the poor box!”
The Irishman replied, “Yeah, but I rubbed the $50 on the box, and according to you, that’s the same as putting it in!”
Down south, Bubba called his attorney and asked, “Is it true they’re suing the cigarette companies for causing people to get cancer?
“Yes, Bubba, sure is true.” responded the lawyer.
“And now someone is suing the fast food restaurants for making them fat and clogging their arteries with all them burgers and fries, is that true mister lawyer?”
“Sure is Bubba. But why you’re asking?”
“Cause what I want to know is, I was thinkin’ can I sue Budweiser for all the ugly women I’ve slept with?”
A young Southern boy goes off to college, but about 1/3 of the way through the semester, he has foolishly squandered away all of the money his parents gave him.
Then he gets an idea. He calls his daddy. “Dad,” he says, “you won’t believe the wonders that modern education are coming up with! Why, they actually have a program here at college that will teach our dog Ole Blue how to talk!”
“That’s absolutely amazing,” his father says. “How do I get him in that program?”
Just send him down here with $1,000″ the boy says. “I’ll get him into the course.” So, his father sends the dog and the $1,000.
About 2/3 way through the semester, the money runs out.
The boy calls his father again.
“So how’s Ole Blue doing, son,” his father asks.
“Awesome, Dad, he’s talking up a storm,” he says, “but you just won’t believe this - they’ve had such good results with this program that they’ve implemented a new one to teach the animals how to READ!”
“READ,” says his father, “No kidding! What do I have to do to get him in that program?”
“Just send $2,500, I’ll get him in the class.” His father sends the money.
The boy now has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out that the dog can neither talk, nor read. So he shoots the dog.
When he gets home at the end of the semester, his father is all excited.
“Where’s Ole Blue? I just can’t wait to see him talk and read something!”
“Dad,” the boy says, “I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole Blue was in the living room kicking back in the recliner, reading the morning paper, like he usually does.
Then he turned to me and asked, ‘So, is your daddy still messin’ around with that little redhead who lives on Oak Street?’
The father says, “I hope you SHOT that crazy dog before he talks to your Mother!”
“I sure did, Dad!”
“That’s my boy!”
Newfie, a little man, was sitting at a bar in Toronto when,this huge, burly American guy walks in. As he passes the Newfie, he hits him on the neck knocking him to the floor. The big, burly Yank says,
“That’s a karate chop from Korea.”
well, the little Newfie gets back on his barstool and resumes drinking his beer. The burly American then gets up to go to the bathroom and, as he walks by the Newfie, he hits him on the other side of the neck and knocks him to the floor.
That’s a judo chop from Japan”, he says.
The litttle Newfie decides he’s had enough and leaves. A half hour later he comes back and sees the burly American sitting at the bar. He walks up behind him and whacks him on the head, knocking him out cold.
The Newfie says to the bartender, “When he wakes up, eh!, tell him that was a fuckin’ hockey stick from Canadian Tire.”
Gennaro is in this country for only 6 months. He walks to work 20 blocks every day and passes a shoe store. Each day he stops and looks in the window to admire the Boccelli leather shoes. He wants those shoes so much… it’s all he can think about.
After about 2 months he saves the price of the shoes, $300, and purchases them. Every Friday night the Italian community holds a dance in the church basement. Gennaro seizes this opportunity to wear his new Boccelli leather shoes for the first time.
He asks Sophia to dance and as they dance he asks her, “Sophia, do you wear red panties tonight?”
Startled, Sophia replies, “Yes, Gennaro, I do wear red panties tonight, but how do you know?”
Gennaro answers, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?”
Next he asks Rosa to dance, and after a few minutes he asks, “Rosa, do you wear white panties tonight?”
Rosa answers, “Yes, Gennaro, I do, but how do you know that?”
He replies, “I see the reflection in my new $300 Boccelli leather shoes. How do you like them?”
Now as the evening is almost over and the last song is being played, Gennaro asks Carmela to dance. Midway through the dance his face turns red. He states, “Carmela, be stilla my heart, please, please tell me you wear no panties tonight, please, please, tella me this true!”
Carmela smiles coyly and answers, “Yes Gennaro, I wear no panties tonight.”
Gennaro gasps, “Thanka God … I thought I had a CRACK in my $300 Boccelli leather shoes!
Jewish girl tells her Catholic college roommate that she’s going home for Rosh Hashanah.
The Catholic girl asks the Jewish girl, “Is this the holiday when you light eight candles?”
“No,” the Jewish girl replies, “that’s Hanukah.”
The Catholic girl then asks the Jewish girl, “Is that when you eat those big crackers?”
“No,” the Jewish girl replies, “that’s Passover. Rosh Hashanah is the holiday when we blow the shofar.”
The Catholic girl replies, “That’s what I like about you Jews - you’re so good to your help.”
Murphy showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fell down when he saw him. Murphy had never been seen in church in his life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with Murphy and said, “Murphy, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass, what made you come?”
Murphy said, “I got to be honest with you Father, a while back, I misplaced me hat and I really, really love that hat. I know that McGlynn had a hat just like me hat, and I knew that McGlynn comes to church every Sunday. I also knew that McGlynn had to take off his hat during Mass and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after communion and steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest said, “Well, Murphy, I notice that you didn’t steal McGlynn’s hat. What changed your mind?”
Murphy said, “Well, after I heard your sermon on the 10 commandments, I decided that I didn’t need to steal McGlynn’s hat.”
The priest gave Murphy a big smile and said; “After I talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Steal’ you decided you would rather do without your hat than burn in Hell, right?”
Murphy shook his head and said, “No, Father, after you talked about ‘Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery I remembered where I left me hat.”
Back in the time of the Samurai there was a powerful emperor who sent a declaration out throughout the country announcing that he was searching for a new head Samurai.
A year passed and only three people showed up to apply for the position: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai and a Jewish Samurai.
The emperor asked the Japanese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Japanese Samurai opened a match box and out popped a little fly. Whoosh went his sword and the fly dropped dead on the ground in two pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, “That is very impressive!”
The emperor then asked the Chinese Samurai to come in and demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Chinese Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. Whoosh, whoosh went his sword. The fly dropped dead on the ground in four pieces.
The emperor exclaimed, “That is really very impressive!”
The emperor then had the Jewish Samurai demonstrate why he should be the new head Samurai. The Jewish Samurai also opened a match box and out popped a fly. His flashing sword went Whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh, whoosh. A gust of wind filled the room, but the fly was still alive and buzzing around.
The emperor, obviously disappointed, asked, “After all of that, why is the fly not dead?”
The Jewish Samurai smiled and said, “Circumcision is not intended to kill.”
A Jewish woman’s husband dies. He only had $30,000 to his name. After everything was done at the funeral home and cemetery, she tells her closest friend that there is none of the $30,000 left. The friend said, “How can that be?”
The widow said, “Well, the funeral cost me $6,500. And of course I made a donation to the shul ..that was $500, and I spent another $500 for food and drinks for the people when I was sitting shiva. The rest went for the memorial stone.”
Her friend said, “$22,500 for the memorial stone? My, how big is it?”
The widow said, “Three carats.”
Two Muslim mothers are sitting in a cafe chatting over a pint of goat’s milk. The older of the mothers pulls her bag out starts flipping through photos and they start reminiscing.
“This is my oldest son,Mohammed. He’s 24 years old now.”
“Yes, I remember him as a baby,” says the other mother, cheerfully.
“He’s a martyr now, though,” the one mother confides.
“Oh, so sad, my dear,” says the other.
“And this is my second son, Kalid. He’s 21.”
“Oh, I remember him,” says the other, happily. “He had such curly hair when he was born.”
“He’s a martyr, too,”says the one mother, quietly.”
“Oh gracious me,”says the other.
“And this is my third son. My baby. My beautiful Ahmed. He’s 18,” she whispers.
“Yes,” says the friend enthusiastically, “I remember when he first started school.”
“He is a martyr, also,”says the mother, with tears in her eyes.
After a pause and a deep sigh, the second Muslim mother looks wistfully at the photographs and says: “They blow up so fast, don’t they? “
An Australian Love Poem 
Of course I love ya darling you’re a bloody top notch bird
and when I say you’re gorgeous I mean every single word.
So ya bum is on the big side I don’t mind a bit of flab
it means that when I’m ready there’s something there to grab.
So your belly isn’t flat no more I tell ya, I don’t care
so long as when I cuddle ya I can get my arms round there.
No Sheila who is your age has nice round perky breasts
they just gave in to gravity but I know ya did ya best
I’m tellin ya the truth now I never tell ya lies
I think its very sexy that you’ve got dimples on ya thighs.
I swear on me nanna’s grave now the moment that we met
I thought u was as good as I was ever gonna get.
No matter wot u look like I’ll always love ya dear
Now shut up while the footy’s on and fetch another beer.
A filthy rich man in North Carolina decided that he wanted to throw a party and invited all of his buddies and neighbors. He also invited Leroy, the only redneck in the neighborhood.
He held the party around the pool in the backyard of his mansion. Everyone was having a good time drinking, dancing, eating shrimp, oysters and BBQ and flirting with the women.
At the height of the party, the host said, “I have a 10ft. man-eating gator in my pool and I’ll give a million dollars to anyone who has the balls to jump in”
The words were barely out of his mouth when there was a loud splash and everyone turned around and saw Leroy in the pool!
Leroy was fighting the gator and kicking its ass! Leroy was jabbing the gator in the eyes with his thumbs, throwing punches, head butts and choke holds, biting the gator on the tail and flipping the gator through the air like some kind of Judo Instructor.
The water was churning and splashing everywhere. Both Leroy and the gator were screaming and raising hell. Finally Leroy strangled the gator and let it float to the top like a K-mart goldfish. Leroy then slowly climbed out of the pool. Everybody was just staring at him in disbelief.
Finally the host says, “Well, Leroy, I reckon I owe you a million dollars.”
“No, that’s okay. I don’t want it,” said Leroy.
The rich man said, “Man, I have to give you something. You won the bet. How about half a million bucks then?”
“No thanks. I don’t want it,” answered Leroy.
The host said, “Come on, I insist on giving you something. That was amazing. How about a new Porsche and a Rolex and some stock options?”
Again Leroy said no. Confused, the rich man asked, “Well, Leroy, then what do you want?”
Leroy said, “I want the name of the son-of-a-gun who pushed me in the pool.”
Oil Shortage, An Explanation … Finally!!
There are a lot of folks who can’t understand how we came to have an oil shortage here in Canada. Well, there’s a very simple answer……
Nobody bothered to check the oil. We just didn’t know we were getting low.
The reason for that is purely geographical. All the oil is in Alberta and all the dipsticks are in Ottawa.
There was a cowboy who went to the outhouse. He heard a noise, so he looked inside. Lo and behold, there was an Indian down in the hole.
The cowboy said, “How long have you been down there in that awful hole?”
The Indian replied, “Many moons.”
One day, an American was touring Spain. After his day’s sightseeing, he stopped at a local restaurant. While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, “What is that you just served?”
The waiter replied, “Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bulls balls from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!”
The American, though momentarily daunted when he learned the origin of the dish said, “What the heck, I’m on vacation! Bring me an order!”
The waiter replied, “I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving a day since there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to serve you this delicacy!”
The next morning,the American returned, placed his order and was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, He called to the waiter and said, “These are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!
“The waiter promptly replied, “Si, senor! Sometimes the bull wins!”
A Japanese physician says, “Medicine in my country is so advanced we can take a kidney out of one man, put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”
A German physician says, “That is nothing, we can take a lung out of one person, put it in another and have him looking for work in four weeks.”
A British physician says, “In my country, medicine is so advanced we can take half of a heart out of one person, put it in another and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”
The Texas physician, not to be outdone, says, “You guys are way behind. We took a man with no brains out of Texas, put him in the White House and now half the country is looking for work.”
Two Scots, Archie and Jock, are sitting in the pub discussing Jock’s forthcoming wedding.
“Arch, it’s all going grand,” says Jock. “I’ve got everything organised already: the flowers, the church, the cars, the reception, the rings, the minister, even ma stag night…
Archie nods approvingly.
“I’ve even bought a kilt to be married in!” continues Jock.
“A kilt?” exclaims Archie, “that’s braw, you’ll look pure smart in that!
“And what’s the tartan?” Archie enquires.
“Oh,” says Jock, “I imagine she’ll be in white !!
Learn the language you need to get a job in 7 days. (4010 KB wmv file)
As a Canadian, you have to be extra vigilant. There are a lot of impostors out there. If you suspect that someone is falsely trying to pass themselves off as a Canadian, make the following statement and then carefully note their reaction:
“Last night, I cashed my pogey and went to buy a mickey of C.C. at the beer parlour, but my skidoo got stuck in the muskeg on my way back to the duplex. I was trying to deke out a deer, you see. Damn chinook, melted everything. And then a Mountie snuck up behind me in a ghost car and gave me an impaired. I was S.O.L., sitting there dressed only in my Stanfields and a toque at the time. And the Mountie, he’s all chippy and everything, calling me a “shit disturber” and what not. What could I say, except, “Sorry, EH!”
If the person you are talking to nods sympathetically, they’re one of us. If, however, they stare at you with a blank incomprehension, they are not a real Canadian. Have them reported to the authorities at once.
The passage cited above contains no fewer than 19 different Canadianisms - in order (for any non-Canadians who are wondering):
Three Jewish sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts that they were able to give to their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.”
The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.”
The third said, “I’ve got you both beat. You know how Mom enjoys reading the Torah and you know she can’t see very well? I sent her a large brown parrot that can recite the entire Torah. It took twenty rabbis 12 years to teach him. I had to pledge to contribute $1,000,000 a year for twenty years but it was worth it. Mom just has to name the chapter and verse and the parrot will recite it.”Soon thereafter, Mom sent out her letters of thanks. She wrote to the first son, “Milton, the house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.”
She wrote to the second son, “Marvin, I am too old to travel. I stay home all the time, so I never use the Mercedes and the driver is SO rude.”
She wrote to the third son, “Dearest Melvin, you were the only son to have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”
Al and Joe are bungee-jumping one day. Al says to Joe, “You know, we could make a lot of money running our own bungee-jumping service in Mexico.”
Joe thinks this is a great idea, so they pool their money and buy everything they’ll need; a tower, an elastic cord, insurance, etc. They travel to Mexico and begin to set up on the square. As they are constructing the tower, a crowd begins to assemble. Slowly, more and more people gather to watch them at work. When they had finished, there was such a crowd they thought it would be a good idea to give a demonstration. So Al jumps. He bounces at the end of the cord, but when he comes back up Joe notices that he has a few cuts and scratches.
Unfortunately, Joe isn’t able to catch him, and he falls again, bounces and comes back up again. This time, he is bruised and bleeding. Again Joe misses him. Al falls again and bounces back up. This time he comes back pretty messed up-he’s got a couple of broken bones and is almost unconscious. Luckily, Joe finally catches him this time and says, “What happened? Was the cord too long?”
Barely able to speak, Al gasps, “No, the cord was fine, but what’s a pinata?”
Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog vendor and they both walk toward the cart. “Two dogs, please,” says one. The vendor is very pleased to oblige, wraps both hot dogs in foil and hands them over.
Excited, the nuns hurry to a bench and begin to unwrap their ‘dogs’.
The mother superior is first to open hers. She begins to blush and then, staring at it for a moment, leans to the other nun and whispers cautiously, “What part did you get?”