Doug’s Divine Drollery

Two Scottish nuns have just arrived in USA by boat and one says to the other, “I hear that the people of this country actually eat dogs.”
“Odd,” her companion replies, “but if we shall live in America, we might as well do as the Americans do.”
Nodding emphatically, the mother superior points to a hot dog [...]

{For non-Brits a Scouser= Liverpudlian}
The Ferrari F1 team fired their entire pit crew yesterday.
This announcement followed Ferrari’s decision to take advantage of the
British government’s ‘Work for your Dole’ scheme and employ some Liverpudlian youngsters. The decision to hire them was brought about by a recent documentary on how unemployed youths from Toxteth were able to [...]

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus She noticed the manopposite her was smiling at her. She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again. The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing, she complained [...]

A Jamaican fireman came home from work one day and said to his wife:
“Y’know sumpin, we have a wonderful new system at de fire station. Bell 1 rings - we put on our jackets. Bell 2 rings - we slide down de pole. Bell 3 rings - we jump on de ingine and we’s ready [...]

A man overhears one old Italian man talking to another. He hears him say:
“Firs’ Emma come. Den I come. Den two es come. Den I comagain. Den two es comagain. Den I peepee. Den I comagain.”
The young man goes up to him and says: “You have a pretty impressive sex life for a man of [...]

One day a Newfie, who has been stranded on a desert island for over ten years, sees an unusual speck on the horizon.
It’s certainly not a ship, he thinks to himself. As the speck gets closer and closer, he begins to rule out the possibilities of a small boat, then even a raft.
Suddenly, emerging from [...]

An Irishman an Englishman and a Scot were sitting in a bar. The view was fantastic, the beer excellent and the food exceptional.
“Y’know,” said the Scotsman, “I still prefer the pubs back home. Why, in Glasgow there’s a little bar called McTavish’s. The landlord there goes out of his way for the locals so much [...]

If you consider it a sport to gather your food by drilling through 18 inches of ice and sitting there all day hoping that the food will swim by, ….. you might live in Saskatchewan.
If you’re proud that your province makes the national news 96 nights each year because Prince Albert is the coldest [...]

Sven and Ole worked together and both were laid off, so they went to the unemployment office.
Asked his occupation, Ole said, “Panty stitcher. I sew da elastic onto ladies cotton panties.
The clerk looked up panty stitcher. Finding it classified as unskilled labour she gave him $300 a week unemployment pay.
Sven was asked his occupation. “Diesel [...]

Your coworker has 8 body piercings and none are visible.
You make over $ 250,000 and still can’t afford a house.
You take a bus and are shocked at 2 people carrying on a conversation in English.
Your child’s 3rd grade teacher has purple hair, a nose ring, & is named Breeze.
You can’t remember…is pot illegal?
You’ve been [...]

One dark night two newfies left the bar after a long drinking session, jumped in their car and started it. Just as they were about to leave, an old man tapped lightly at the passenger window.
The passenger screamed, “Look at the window. There’s a face of a ghost there!”
The driver pushed his foot down on [...]

Bud and Jim were a couple of Newfie drinking buddies who worked as airplane mechanics in Gander, NFLD. One day the airport was fogged in and they were stuck in the hangar with nothing to do.
Bud said, “Man, I wish we had something to drink!”
Jim says, “Me too, Y’know, I’ve heard you can drink jet [...]

There is a story about a popular young rabbi, who on Sabbath eve announces to the congregation that he will not renew his contract and is moving on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush. No one wants him to leave.
Epstein, who owns several car dealerships, stands up and announces, [...]

A Canadian is drinking in a New York bar when he gets a call on his cell phone. He hangs up, grinning from ear to ear, and orders a round of drinks for everybody in the bar because, he announces, his wife has just produced a typical Canadian baby boy weighing 25 pounds.
Nobody can believe [...]

These questions about Canada were posted on an International Tourism Website.

Q: I have never seen it warm on Canadian TV, so how do the plants grow? (UK)
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.
Q: Will I be able to see Polar Bears in the [...]

50º Fahrenheit (10 C)

Californians shiver uncontrollably. Canadians plant gardens.

35º Fahrenheit (1.6 C)

Italian cars won’t start. Canadians drive with the windows down.

32º Fahrenheit (0 C)

American water freezes. Canadian water gets thicker.

0º Fahrenheit (-17.9 C)

New York City landlords finally turn on the heat. Canadians have the last cookout of the season.

-60º Fahrenheit (-51 C)

Mt. [...]

Nope, no more for me. I’m driving.
I’ll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
Duct tape won’t fix that.
Come to think of it, screw Pilsner, I’ll have a Heineken.
We don’t keep loaded firearms in this house.
You can’t feed that to the dog.
No kids in the back of the pickup, it’s just not safe.
Wrestling’s fake.
We’re vegetarians.
Do you think my [...]

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub. Two blonde genies appear and they tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
The next [...]

If you’re politically correct buzz off you won’t like this site!
Anyone who know about or are from Saskatchewan will appreciate this:
Two guys from Saskatchewan die and wake up in hell. The next day the devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. [...]

The National Poetry contest had come down to 2 semi-finalists: A Yale graduate and a Newfoundlander. They were given a single word, then allowed 2 minutes to come up with a poem that contained that word. The word given was: TIMBUKTU. First to recite his poem was the Yale graduate. He stepped up to the [...]

An Irishman named O’Malley went to his doctor after a long illness. The doctor, after a lengthy examination, sighed and looked O’Malley in the eye and said, “I’ve some bad news for you. You have cancer, and it can’t be cured. You’d best put your affairs in order.” O’Malley was shocked and saddened. But, being [...]

Osama Bin Laden was sitting in his cave wondering whom to invade next when his telephone rang.
“Hallo, Mr. Laden” a heavily accented voice said. “This is Archie, down ‘ere at the Harp Seal Pub in Badger’s Cove, Newfoundland, Canada. I am callin’ to tells ya dat we are officially declaring war on you!”
“Well Archie,” Osama [...]

Two Native Americans and a Newfoundlander were walking in the woods, when all of a sudden one of the native Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a small cave. “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” he halled into the cave and then he listened very closely until he heard answering, “Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!” He tore [...]

An Asian man walked into the currency exchange in New York City with 2000 yen and walked out with $72. The following week, he walked in with 2000 yen and was handed $66. He asked the teller why he got less money than the previous week.
The teller said, “Fluctuations.”
The Asian man stormed out, and just [...]

A woman was very distraught at the fact that she had not had a date in quite some time. She was afraid she might have something wrong with her. So she decided to seek the medical expertise of a sex therapist.
Her doctor recommended that she see the well-known Chinese sex therapist, Dr. Chang.
Upon entering the [...]