Four old-timers were playing their weekly game of golf, and one remarked how nice it would be to wake up on Christmas morning, roll out of bed and without an argument go directly to the golf course, meet his buddies and play a round.

His buddies all chimed in and said, ‘Let’s do it!

We’ll make it a priority, figure out a way and meet here early Christmas morning.’

Months later, that special morning arrives, and there they are on the golf course.

The first guy says, ‘Boy this game cost me a fortune! I bought my wife such a diamond ring that she can’t take her eyes off it.’

Number 2 guy says, ‘I spent a ton, too. My wife is at home planning the cruise I gave her. She was up to her eyeballs in brochures.’

Number 3 guy says ‘Well my wife is at home admiring her new car, reading the manual.’

They all turned to the last guy in the group who is staring at them like they have lost their minds.

‘I can’t believe you all went to such expense for this golf game. I slapped my wife on the butt and said, ‘Well babe, Merry Christmas! It’s a great morning for either sex or golf‘ and she said….. ‘Take a sweater.’

Technorati Tags: golf, Merry Christmas, sex or golf, humour, humor, funny, jokes, comedy

Technorati Tags: RCMP, taser, Christmas, xmas, humour, humor, jokes, funny, comedy, not so funny

One beautiful December evening Huan Cho and his girlfriend Jung Lee were sitting by the side of the ocean.

It was a romantic full moon, when Huan Cho said ‘Hey baby, how about playing Weeweechu.’

‘Oh no, not now, lets look at the moon’ said Jung Lee.

‘Oh, c’mon baby, let’s you and I play Weeweechu. I love you and it’s the perfect time,’ Huan Cho begged.

‘But I rather just hold your hand and watch the moon.’

‘Please Jung Lee, just once play Weeweechu with me.’

Jung Lee looked at Huan Chi and said, ‘OK, we’ll play Weeweechu.’….

(more…)

Technorati Tags: Christmas, humour, humor, funny, comedy, animation

There’s a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as pirate.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he received a small parcel and a note which read:

Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.

Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.

‘Twas the night before Christmas, when all through the house
Not a creature was stirring, except Papa’s mouse.
The computer was humming, the icons were hopping,
As Papa did last-minute Internet shopping.

The stockings were hung by the modem with care
In hope that St. Nicholas would bring new software.
The children were nestled all snug in their beds,
While visions of computer games danced in their heads.

Quake III for Billy, and Quicken for Dan,
And a Pokemon game for Pamela Ann.
The letters to Santa had been sent out by Mom,
To: santaclaus@toyshop.northpole.com

Which has now been re-routed to Washington State
Because Santa’s workshop has been bought by Bill Gates.
All the elves and reindeer have had to skedaddle
To flashy new quarters in suburban Seattle.

After centuries of a life that was simple and spare,
St. Nick has become a dot-com billionaire,
With a shiny red Porsche in the place of his sleigh,
And a house on Lake Washington that’s just down the way
From where Bill has his mansion. The old fellow preens
In black Gucci boots and red Calvin Klein jeans.
The elves have stock options and desks with a view,
Where they write computer code for Johnny and Sue.

No more dolls or tin soldiers or little toy drums
Will be under the tree, only compact disk ROMS
With the Microsoft label. So spin up your drive,
Because Christmas now requires at least Win95.

More rapid than eagles the competitors came,
And Bill whistled, and shouted, and called them by name.
“Now, ADOBE! now, CLARIS! now, INTUIT! too,
Now, APPLE! and NETSCAPE! you are all of you through!”

“It is Microsoft’s SANTA that the kids can’t resist,
It’s the ultimate software with a traditional twist.
Recommended by no less than the jolly old elf,
And on the package is a picture of Santa himself.”

“Get ‘em young, keep ‘em long, is Microsoft’s scheme,
And a merger with Santa is a marketer’s dream.
To the top of the NASDAQ! to the top of the Dow!
Now dash away! dash away! dash away - wow!”

And Mama in her ‘kerchief and I in my cap,
Had just settled down for a long winter’s nap,
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter,
The whir and the hum of our satellite platter,
As it turned toward that new Christmas star in the sky,
The SANTALITE owned by the Microsoft guy.
As I sprang from my bed and was turning around,
My computer turned on with a Jingle-Bells sound.

And there on the screen was a smiling Bill Gates
Next to jolly old Santa, two arm-in-arm mates.
And I heard them exclaim in voice so bright,
“Have a MICROSOFT CHRISTMAS, and TO ALL A GOOD NIGHT!”

1. Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they’re serving rum balls.
2. Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it’s rare. In fact, it’s even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can’t find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It’s not as if you’re going to turn into an eggnog-aholic or something. It’s a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It’s later than you think. It’s Christmas!
3. If something comes with gravy, use it. That’s the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
4. As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they’re made with skim milk or whole milk. If it’s skim, pass. Why bother? It’s like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
5. Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people’s food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
6. Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year’s.
7. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you’ll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
8. If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don’t budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They’re like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you’re never going to see them again.
9. Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don’t like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
10. Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it’s loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
11. One final tip: If you don’t feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven’t been paying attention. Reread tips; start over, but hurry, January is just around the corner.

Diary of my six day Bahamas cruise.

DEAR DIARY … DAY ONE
I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I’ve packed all my pretty dresses and make-up. I’m really excited.

DEAR DIARY .. DAY TWO
We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.

DEAR DIARY … DAY THREE
I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a very attractive and attentive gentleman.

DEAR DIARY … DAY FOUR
Went to the ship’s casino … did OK .. won about $80. The Captain invited me to have dinner with him in his state room. We had a luxurious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be unfaithful to my husband.

DEAR DIARY … DAY FIVE
Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told me that if I didn’t let him have his way with me he would sink the ship. I was appalled.

DEAR DIARY … DAY SIX
I saved 1600 lives today …. twice !!!!