No one wants their last words to be "Oh my God! The old gypsy woman was right..."
All done? You need 4 correct answers to pass! Answers after the break
At the end of the tax year Revenue Canada sent an inspector to audit the books of a synagogue.
While he was checking the books, he turned to the Rabbi and said, “I notice you buy many candles. What do you do with the drippings?”
“Good question,” noted the Rabbi. “we save them up and send them back to the candle makers, and every once in a while they send us a free box of candles.”
“Oh,” replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way: “What about all these matzo(bread) purchases? What do you do with the
crumbs?”
“Ah yes,” replied the Rabbi, realizing the inspector was trying to trap him in an unanswerable question. “We collect them and send back to the manufacturers, and every now and then they send a free box of matzo balls.”
“I see,” replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all Rabbi.
“Well,, Rabi,” he went on, “What do you do with the leftover foreskins from the circumcisions you perform?”
“Here too, we do not waste, answered the Rabbi. “What we do is save up all the foreskins and send the to Revenue Canada, and about once a year they send us a complete prick.”
Technorati Tags: audit, synagogue, Rabbi, Revenue Canada, humour, humor, jokes, funny, not PC
A motorcycle officer stops a man for running a red light. The guy is a real jerk and comes running back to the motor officer. The violator demands to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The “Motorist” instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer’s ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit terms. The officer, being a professional, takes it all in stride.
The tirade goes on without the cop saying anything. When he gets done with writing the citation he puts an “AH” in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the citation. He then hands it to the “Violator” for his signature.
The guy signs the cite angrily, tearing the paper, and when presented his copy points to the “AH” and demands to know what it stands for. The officer then removes his mirror sunglasses, gets in the middle of the guys face and says, “That’s so when we go to court, I’ll remember you’re an Asshole!”
Three months later they are in court. The “Violator” has such a bad record he is about to lose his license and has hired an attorney to represent him.
On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run the red light.
Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; “Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the citation you issued my client?”
The Officer responds, “Yes sir, this is the defendant’s copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top.
Attorney: Officer , is there any particular marking or notation on this citation you don’t normally make?
Officer: Yes sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an “AH , underlined.”
Attorney: What does the AH stand for, officer?
Officer: “Aggressive and Hostile Sir”
Attorney: Aggressive and hostile”
Officer: “Yes Sir?”
Attorney: “Officer,,,, Are you sure it doesn’t stand for Asshole?”
Officer: “Well Sir, You know your client better than I do !”
Technorati Tags: jokes, humour, humor, not PC
Dave walks into a bar and sees John sittin at the end of the bar counter with a great big smile on his face.
Dave says “John what are you so happy for?”
“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya… Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and a redhead came up to me… tits out to here, Dave, tits out to here! She says “Can I have a ride in your boat?” “I said ‘Sure you can have a ride in my boat.’ So I took her way out, Dave. I turned off the key and I said ‘Its either screw or swim!’ She couldn’t swim, Dave, she couldn’t swim!!.”
A couple days pass and Dave walks into a bar and sees John down there cryin over a beer.
Dave says “John, what are you so sad for?”
“Well Dave, I gotta tell ya…. Yesterday I was out waxin’ my boat, just waxin’ my boat, and the most desirable brunette came up to me… tits WAY out to here, Dave, tits WAY out to here. I had more wood than my boat does. She says “Can I have a ride in your boat?” “Sure you can have a ride in my boat.” So I took her way out, Dave, way WAY out… much further than the last two. I turned off the key, and looked at her tits and said ‘Its either screw or swim!!’.
Then, she pulled down her pants…. she had a dick, Dave !!! She had a great BIG dick!!! …..
…. Dave, ….. I CAN’T SWIM!!!”
Technorati Tags: jokes, humour, humor, not PC
An old prospector walks his tired old mule into a western town one day. He’d been out in the desert for about six months without a drop of whiskey. He walked up to the first saloon he came to and tied his old mule to the hitching rail.
As he stood there brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a gunslinger walked out of the saloon. He had a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other hand. He looked at the old man and laughed.
Then he said, “Hey old man have you ever danced?”
The old man looked up at him and said, “Nope, never had a hankering to.”
A crowd had gathered by then and the gunslinger said, “Well you old fool you’re gonna dance now,” and he started shooting at the old man’s feet. The old man was hopping around and everybody was laughing. He fired his last bullet, holstered his gun and turned around to go back in the saloon.
The old man reached up on the mule, got his 10 gauge shotgun and pulled both hammers back, making a loud click. The gunslinger heard this, then everything got quiet. He slowly turned around and was looking at the old prospector aiming both barrels right at him.
The old man asked him, “Did you ever kiss a mule’s ass?”
The gunslinger swallowed hard, then said, “No Sir, but I’ve always wanted to!”
A fellow stopped at a gas station out in the county, filled his tank, and took a break by his car while drinking a soda. As he relaxed, he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet deep and then move on. The other man came along behind him by about 25 feet and filled in the hole. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
Overcome by curiosity, the fellow headed for the first man. “Hey there,” he said to the men. “Can you tell me what’s going on here with this digging?”
“We work for the county.” one of the men said.
“But one of you is digging a hole and the other is filling it up. Isn’t that a waste of the county’s money?”
“Well,” one of the men replied, “normally there’s three of us - me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back.”
“Yeah,” Mike added. “Just because Rodney’s sick, that don’t mean we can’t work, does it?”
Rush Limbaugh is riding through farm country when he hears a horrible “thud!” feels a huge bump and the car grinds to a stop.
“What the hell was that?” he asked his driver.
“I just ran over some farmer’s pig.” the driver replied.
So Rush gave his driver some money and instructed his driver to walk up to the farmhouse, tell them who he was, what heppened and offer to pay for the pig.
“That’ll show people I’m not such a bad guy afterall”, thought Rush. So the driver heads up to the house and is gone for **6 hours**!!!
When he finally returned, Rush asked, “What the hell took so long?!?” “Well”, said the driver, “when I told them what happened, they cheered and asked me stay for dinner! They treated me to the best dinner I’ve ever had. The farmer broke out champagne for dinner and after we had some cigars and cognac he’d been saving for a special occasion, and then…”
“What?!? There’s more?” bellowed the Large One.
“Well, yeah…then their daughter took me up to her room and made love to me for 2 hours!
Rush stammered, “Wh-wh what the hell did you say to them?”
“Well, when they answered the door, I just said, ‘Hello, I’m Rush Limbaugh’s driver and I just killed the pig.”
PARKING VIOLATION
__________________ _________________
PROVINE OR STATE LICENSE NUMBER
AM
__________________ PM __________________
TIME MAKE OF AUTOMOBILE
This is not a ticket, but if it were within my power, you would receive two. Because of your bull-headed, inconsiderate, feeble attempt at parking, you have taken enough room for a 20-mule team, two elephants, one goat, and a safari of pygmies from the African Interior. The reason for giving you this, is so that in the future you may think of someone else, other than yourself. Besides I don’t like domineering, egotistical or simple-minded drivers and you probably fit into one of these categories.
I sign off wishing you an early transmission failure (on the expressway at about 4:30 p.m.) Also may the fleas of a thousand camels infest your armpits.
You have to be old enough to remember Abbott and Costello, but too old to really understand computers to fully appreciate this. For those of us who sometimes get flustered by our computers, enjoy, reflect and remember that real comedians were like. Those of you who are too young to remember this hilarious duo should make every attempt to watch their videos, DVD’s or search for them on the “oldies” TV channel. It will be worth your time to really laugh.
If Bud Abbott and Lou Costello were alive today, their infamous sketch, “Who’ s on First?” might have gone something like this:
COSTELLO CALLS TO BUY A COMPUTER FROM ABBOTT
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: Thanks. I’m setting up an office in my den and I’m thinking about buying a computer.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: No, the name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: Your computer?
COSTELLO: I don’t own a computer. I want to buy one.
ABBOTT: Mac?
COSTELLO: I told you, my name’s Lou.
ABBOTT: What about Windows?
COSTELLO: Why? Will it get stuffy in here?
ABBOTT: Do you want a computer with Windows?
COSTELLO: I don’t know. What will I see when I look at the windows?
ABBOTT: Wallpaper..
COSTELLO: Never mind the windows. I need a computer and software.
ABBOTT: Software for Windows?
COSTELLO: No. On the computer! I need something I can use to write proposals, track expenses and run my business. What do you have?
ABBOTT:Office.
COSTELLO: Yeah, for my office. Can you recommend anything?
ABBOTT: I just did.
COSTELLO: You just did what?
ABBOTT: Recommend something.
COSTELLO: You recommended something?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: For my office?
ABBOTT: Yes.
COSTELLO: OK, what did you recommend for my office?
ABBOTT: Office
COSTELLO: Yes, for my office!
ABBOTT: I recommend Office with Windows.
COSTELLO: I already have an office with windows! OK, let’s just say I’m sitting at my computer and I want to type a proposal. What do I need?
ABBOTT: Word.
COSTELLO: What word?
ABBOTT: Word in Office.
COSTELLO: The only word in office is office.
ABBOTT: The Word in Office for Windows.
COSTELLO: Which word in office for windows?
ABBOTT: The Word you get when you click the blue “W”.
COSTELLO: I’m going to click your blue “w” if you don’t start with some straight answers. What about financial bookkeeping? You have anything I can track my money with?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: That’s right. What do you have?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: I need money to track my money?
ABBOTT: It comes bundled with your computer.
COSTELLO: What’s bundled with my computer?
ABBOTT: Money.
COSTELLO: Money comes with my computer?
ABBOTT: Yes. No extra charge.
COSTELLO: I get a bundle of money with my computer? How much?
ABBOTT: One copy.
COSTELLO: Isn’t it illegal to copy money?
ABBOTT: Microsoft gave us a license to copy Money.
COSTELLO: They can give you a license to copy money?
ABBOTT: Why not? THEY OWN IT!
A few days later:
ABBOTT: Super Duper computer store. Can I help you?
COSTELLO: How do I turn my computer off?
ABBOTT: Click on “START”
The Big Shot Joe grew up in a small town, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to the small town because he could be a big man in this small town. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office.
The first day, he saw a man coming up the sidewalk. He decided to make a big impression on this new client when he arrived. As the man came to the door, Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking.
“No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won’t settle this case for less than one million. Yes. The Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I’ll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay. Tell the DA that I’ll meet with him next week to discuss the details.”
This sort of thing went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man.
“I’m sorry for the delay, but as you can see, I’m very busy. What can I do for you?”
The man replied, “I’m from the phone company. I came to hook up your phone.”
Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by terrible headaches.
When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer,he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem. “The good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.”
Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn’t concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.
When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.
He walked past a men’s clothing store and thought, “That’s what I need, a new suit.” He entered the shop and told the salesman,”I’d like a new suit.”
The salesman eyed him briefly and said, “Let’s see… size 44 long.”
Joe laughed, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about a new shirt?”
Joe thought for a moment and then said, “Sure!”
The salesman eyed Joe and said, “Let’s see,… 34 sleeve and…16 and a half neck.”
Joe was surprised, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, “How about new shoes?”
Joe was on a roll and said, “Sure!”
The salesman eyed Joe’s feet and said, “Let’s see…9 and a half wide.”
Joe was astonished, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, “How about a new hat?”
Without hesitating, Joe said, “Sure!”
The salesman eyed Joe’s head and said, “Let’s see. . . 7 5/8.”
Joe was incredulous, “That’s right, how did you know?”
“It’s my job.”
The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, “How about some new underwear?”
Joe thought for a second and said, “Sure!”
The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe’s waist and said, “Let’s see… size 36.”
Joe laughed, “No, I’ve worn size 34 since I was 18 years old.”
The salesman shook his head and said, “You can’t wear a size 34 It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache!”
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine they were exhausted and went to sleep.
Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
Watson replied, “I see millions and millions of stars.”
“What does that tell you?”
Watson pondered for a minute. “Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Timewise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that The lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have, a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?”
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. “Watson, you idiot, Some bastard has stolen our tent.”
There’s a man with a bald head and a wooden leg who gets invited to a Halloween party. He doesn’t know what costume to wear to hide his head and his leg so he writes to a costume company to explain his problem. A few days later he received a parcel with the following note:
Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a pirate’s outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and, with your wooden leg, you will be just right as pirate.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
The man thinks this is terrible because they have just emphasized his wooden leg and so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and a note, which says:
Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a monk’s habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and, with your bald head, you will really look the part.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
Now the man is really annoyed since they have gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to emphasizing his bald head so he writes the company another nasty letter of complaint. The next day he received a small parcel and a note which read:
Dear Sir:
Please find enclosed a bottle of molasses. Pour the molasses over your bald head, stick your wooden leg up your ass and go as a caramel apple.
Very truly yours,
Acme Costume Co.
FBI agents conducted a raid of a psychiatric hospital in San Diego that was under investigation for medical insurance fraud. After hours of reviewing thousands of medical records, the dozens of agents had worked up quite an appetite.
The agent in charge of the investigation called a nearby pizza parlor with delivery service to order a quick dinner for his colleagues. The following telephone conversation took place and was recorded by the FBI because they were taping all conversations at the hospital.
Agent: Hello. I’d like to order 19 large pizzas and 3 cases of soda.
Pizza Man: And where would you like them delivered?
Agent: We’re over at the psychiatric hospital.
Pizza Man: The psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s right. I’m an FBI agent.
Pizza Man: You’re an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s correct. Just about everybody here is.
Pizza Man: And you’re at the psychiatric hospital?
Agent: That’s correct. And make sure you don’t go through the front doors. We have them locked. You’ll have to go around to the back service entrance to deliver the pizzas.
Pizza Man: And you say you’re all FBI agents there?
Agent: That’s right. How soon can you have them here?
Pizza Man: Everyone at the psychiatric hospital is an FBI agent?
Agent: That’s right. We’ve been here all day and we’re starving.
Pizza Man: How are you going to pay for all of this?
Agent: We’ve collected a pool of cash.
Pizza Man: And you’re all FBI agents?
Agent: Yes.
Pizza Man: With guns?
Agent: That’s right. Now, can you remember to bring the pizzas and sodas to the service entrance in the rear? We have the front doors locked.
Pizza Man: No f#@&in’ way.
*Click*
The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (read Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: What are the important safety tips to remember when backing your car?
A: Always wear a condom.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: How can you reduce the possibility of having an accident?
A: Be too ____-faced to find your keys.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.
Q: What are some points to remember when passing or being passed?
A: Make eye contact and wave “hello” if he/she is cute.
Q: What is the difference between a flashing red traffic light and a flashing yellow traffic light?
A: The color.
Q: How do you deal with heavy traffic?
A: Heavy psychedelics.
Q: What can you do to help ease a heavy traffic problem?
A: Carry loaded weapons.
I was barely sitting down when I heard a voice from the other stall say: “Hi, how are you?”
I’m not the type to start a conversation in the restroom but I don’t know what got into me, so I answered, somewhat embarrassed, “Doin’ just fine!”
And the other person says: “So what are you up to?”
What kind of question is that? At that point, I’m thinking this is too bizarre so I say: “Uhhh, I’m like you, just traveling!” At this point I am just trying to get out as fast as I can when I hear another question.
“Can I come over?”
Ok, this question is just too weird for me but I figured I could just be polite and end the conversation. I tell them “No……..I’m a little busy right now!!!”
Then I hear the person say nervously…”Listen, I’ll have to call you back. There’s an idiot in the other stall who keeps answering all my questions
And they reproduce!
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted….”Look at that dead bird!”
Someone looked up at the sky and said…”where???”
While looking at a house, my brother asked the real estate agent which direction was north because, he explained, he didn’t want the sun waking him up every morning.
She asked, “Does the sun rise in the north?”
When my brother explained that the sun rises in the east, and has for sometime, she shook her head and said, “Oh, I don’t keep up with that stuff.”
I used to work in technical support for a 24/7 call centre. One day I got a call from an individual who asked what hours the call centre was open. I told him, “The number you dialed is open 24 hours a day, 7days a week.”
He responded, “Is that Eastern or Pacific time?”
Wanting to end the call quickly, I said, “Uh, Pacific” . .
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard one of the administrative assistants talking about the sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the shore. She drove down in a convertible, but “didn’t think she’d get sunburned because the car was moving”.
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car. It’s designed to cut through a seat belt if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the trunk…
My friends and I were on a beer run and noticed that the cases were discounted 10%. Since it was a big party, we bought 2 cases. The cashier multiplied 2 times 10% and gave us a 20% discount….
I was hanging out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, “Wouldn’t the chain rip out every time she turned her head?”
I explained that a person’s nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned.
I couldn’t find my luggage at the airport baggage area. So I went to the lost luggage office and told the woman there that my bags never showed up. She smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and I was in good hands.
“Now,” she asked me, “has your plane arrived yet?”
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time before responding. “Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don’t think I’m hungry enough to eat 6 pieces.
GOD: Frank, you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there on the planet? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracts butterflies,
honeybees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But, all I see are these green rectangles.
St. FRANCIS; It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers “weeds” and went to great lengths to kill them and replace them with grass.
GOD: Grass? But, it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees; only grubs and sod worms. It’s sensitive to temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.
GOD: The spring rains and warm weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.
ST. FRANCIS: Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it-sometimes twice a week.
GOD: They cut it? Do they then bail it like hay?
ST. FRANCIS: Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.
GOD: They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?
ST. FRANCIS: No, Sir, just the opposite. They pay to throw it away.
GOD: Now, let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And, when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?
ST. FRANCIS: Yes, Sir.
GOD: These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.
ST. FRANCIS: You aren’t going to believe this, Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.
GOD: What nonsense. At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn, they fall to the ground and form a natural
blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. It’s a natural cycle of life.
ST, FRANCIS: You better sit down, Lord. TheSuburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles andpay to have them hauled away.
GOD: No. What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter to keep the soil moist and loose?
ST. FRANCIS: After throwing away the leaves, they go out and buy something which they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.
GOD: And where do they get this mulch?
ST FRANCIS: They cut down trees and grind them up to make the mulch.
GOD: Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. St. Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?
ST. CATHERINE: “Dumb and Dumber”, Lord. It’s a story about….
GOD: Never mind, I think I just heard the whole story from St Francis.
Sam and John were out cutting wood, and John cut his arm off. Sam wrapped the arm in a plastic bag and took it and John to a surgeon.
The surgeon said: “You are in luck! I am an expert at reattaching limbs! Come back in four hours.”
So Sam came back in four hours and the surgeon said:
“I got done faster than I expected to. John is down at the local pub.”
Sam went to the pub and saw John throwing darts. A few weeks later, Sam and John were out again, and John cut his leg off. Sam put the leg in a plastic bag and took it and John back to the surgeon. The surgeon said:
“Legs are a little tougher - come back in six hours.”
Sam returned in six hours and the surgeon said:
“I finished early - John is down at the soccer field.”
Sam went to the soccer field and there was John, kicking goals. A few weeks later, John had a terrible accident and cut his head off. Sam put the head in a plastic bag and took it and the rest of John to the surgeon.
The surgeon said: “Gee, heads are really tough. Come back in twelve hours.”
So Sam returned in twelve hours and the surgeon said,
“I am sorry, John died.”
Sam said: “I understand - heads are tough.”
The surgeon said: “Oh, no! The surgery went fine! John suffocated in that plastic bag!”
A salesman checked into a futuristic motel. Realizing he needed a haircut before the next day’s meeting, he called down to the desk clerk to ask if there was a barber on the premises.
“I’m afraid not, sir,” the clerk told him apologetically, “but down the hall from your room is a vending machine that should serve your purposes.”
Skeptical but intrigued, the salesman located the machine, inserted $15.00, and stuck his head into the opening, at which time the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later the salesman pulled out his head and surveyed his reflection, which reflected the best haircut of his life.
Two feet away was another machine with a sign that read, ‘Manicures, $20.00.’ “Why not?” thought the salesman. He paid the money, inserted his hands into the slot, and the machine started to buzz and whirl. Fifteen seconds later he pulled out his hands and they were perfectly manicured.
The next machine had a sign that read, ‘This Machine Provides a Service Men Need When Away from Their Wives, 50 Cents.’
The salesman looked both ways, put fifty cents in the machine, unzipped his fly, and with some anticipation, stuck his manhood into the
opening. When the machine started buzzing, the guy let out a shriek of agony and almost passed out. Fifteen seconds later it shut off. With
trembling hands, the salesman was able to withdraw his member….. which now had a button sewed on the end.
A man bought a donkey from a preacher. The preacher told the man that this donkey had been trained in a very unique way, (being the donkey of a preacher). The only way to make the donkey go, was to say, “Hallelujah!” The only way to make the donkey stop, was to say, “Amen!”
The man was pleased with his purchase and immediately got on the animal to try out the preacher’s instructions. “Hallelujah!” shouted the man. The donkey began to trot. “Amen!” shouted the man. The donkey stopped immediately. “This is great!” said the man. With a “Hallelujah,” he rode off very proud of his new purchase.
The man travelled for a long time through some mountains. Soon he was heading toward a cliff. He could not remember the word to make the donkey stop. “Stop,” said the man. “Halt!” he cried. The donkey just kept going. “Oh, no… Bible!….Church!…Please Stop!!” shouted the man.
The donkey just began to trot faster. He was getting closer and closer to the cliff edge. Finally, in desperation, the man said a prayer. “Please, dear Lord. Please make this donkey stop before I go off the end of this mountain, In Jesus name, AMEN.” The donkey came to an abrupt stop just one step from the edge of the cliff.
“HALLELUJAH!”, shouted the man.
A fellow owned one of the biggest and fastest-growing businesses in Miami,a furniture store. He was convinced by a friend that he needed to take a trip to Italy to check out the merchandise himself, and because he was still single, he could check out all the hot Italian women and maybe get lucky.
As he was checking into a hotel he struck up an acquaintance with a beautiful young lady. She only spoke Italian and he only spoke English–neither understood a word the other spoke. So he took out a pencil and a notebook and drew a picture of a taxi. She smiled, nodded her head and they went for a ride in the park. Later, he drew a picture of a table in a restaurant with a question mark and she nodded. So they went to dinner.
After dinner he sketched two dancers and she was delighted. They went to several nightclubs, drank champagne, danced and had a glorious evening. It had gotten quite late when she motioned for the pencil and drew a picture of a four-poster bed. He was dumbfounded. To this day he says that he’s never been able to understand how she knew he was in the furniture business.