Men are like… Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists, Relationships

1. Men are like ..Laxatives ….. They irritate the crap out of you.
2. Men are like.Bananas . The older they get, the less firm they are.
3. Men are like Weather . Nothing can be done to change them.
4. Men are like ….Blenders You need One, but you’re not quite sure why.
5. Men are like ….Chocolate Bars …. Sweet, smooth, & they usually head right for your hips.
6. Men are like …Commercials ….. You can’t believe a word they say.
7. Men are like Department Stores …. Their clothes are always 1/2 off!
8. Men are like ……Government Bonds …. They take soooooooo long to mature.
9. Men are like …..Mascara . They usually run at the first sign of emotion.
10. Men are like Popcorn .. They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
11. Men are like Snowstorms …. You never know when they’re coming, how many inches you’ll get or how long it will last.
12. Men are like ……..Lava Lamps . Fun to look at, but not very bright
13. Men are like Parking Spots All the good ones are taken, the rest are handicapped.

Technorati Tags: Men are like, humour, humor, jokes, comedy, funny, one liners

Reasons to crawl under a rock.. Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists, Miscellaneous, Risque

1. I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, “How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow job?” - Melinda Lowe, 39, Seguin TX
2. An insurance man visited me at home to talk about our mortgage insurance. He was throwing a lot of facts and figures at me, and I wanted to follow as best I could, so I told my 6-year-old son to run and get me a pad. He came back and handed me a Kotex right in front of our guest.
3. I was taking a shower when my 2 year old son came into the bathroom and wrapped himself in toilet paper. Although he made a mess, he looked adorable, so I ran for my camera and took a few shots. They came out so well that I had copies made and included one with each of our Christmas cards. Days later, a relative called about the picture, laughing hyster ically, and suggesting I take a closer look. Puzzled, I stared at the photo and was shocked to discover that in addition to my son, I had captured my reflection in the mirror wearing nothing but a camera! - Name Withheld
4. I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women’s type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, “I think I like playing with men’s ball s.”- Colleen Collins, 31, Ferndale, MI
5. My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, “No, I’m just looking at your nuts.” My sister started to laugh hysterically, the boy grinned, and I turned beet red and walked away. To this day, my si ster has never let me forget. - Faye Emerick,34. Ellerslie, MD
6. A lady picked up several items at a discount store. When she finally got up to the checker, she learned that one of her items had no price tag. Imagine her embarrassment when the checker got on the intercom and boomed out for all the store to hear,”PRICE CHECK ON LANE THIRTEEN, TAMPAX, SUPER SIZE.” That was bad enough, but somebody at the rear o f the store apparently misunderstood the word “Tampax” for “THUMBTACKS.” In a business-like tone, a voice boomed back over the intercom. “DO YOU WANT THE KIND YOU PUSH IN WITH YOUR THUMB OR THE KIND YOU POUND IN WITH A HAMMER?”
7. A teacher noticed that a little boy at the back of the class was squirming around, scratching his crotch and not paying attention. She went back to find out what was going on. He was quite embarrassed and whispered that he had just recently been circumcised and he was quite itchy. The teacher told him to go down to the pr! incipal’s office. He was to phone his mother and ask her what he should do about it. He did it and returned to his class. Suddenly, there was a commotion at the back of the room. She went back to investigate only to find him sitting at his desk with his penis hanging out. “I thought I told you to call your Mom.” she screamed. “I did,” he said, “And she told me that if I could stick it out till noon, she’d come and pick me up from school.

Why Airplanes are better than Women Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists, Relationships

1. Airplanes usually kill you quickly, a woman takes her time.
2. Airplanes can be turned on by a flick of a switch.
3. Airplanes don’t get mad if you do a “touch and go”.
4. Airplanes don’t object to a preflight inspection.
5. Airplanes come with manuals to explain their operation.
6. Airplanes have strict weight and balance limitations.
7. Airplanes don’t come with in-laws.
8. Airplanes don’t care about how many other airplanes you’ve flown before.
9. Airplanes and pilots both arrive at the same time.
10. Airplanes don’t mind if you look at other airplanes.
11. Airplanes don’t mind if you buy airplane magazines.
12. Airplanes expect to be tied down.
13. Airplanes don’t comment on your piloting skills.
14. Airplanes don’t whine unless something is really wrong.

Are You Feeling Old? Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Elderly, Lists

Are you feeling old?

If not, consider this:

• The people who are starting college this fall across the nation were born in 1980.
• The Iranian hostage crisis occurred before they were conceived.
• They have no memory of a time before M-TV.
• “New Wave” is their PARENTS musical generation.
• Cyndi Lauper, Boy George, the Pretenders, the Kinks, the Sex Pistols — are all old music they have heard of, if they have heard of it at all.
• They have no meaningful recollection of the Reagan era.
• They were prepubescent when the Persian Gulf War was waged.
• If they have heard the name “Oliver North,” it was probably as a losing Congessional candidate, or perhaps in some obscure survey history text’s reference, such as might be made to Huey Long or Teapot Dome.
• Black Monday 1987 is a significant to them as the Great Depression.
• Their world has always included AIDS.
• Having not lived through the Disco Scare, they can romanticize the 1970s.
• They see “Family Ties” as something middle aged ladies watch.
• They watched “Star Wars” years ago, when they were kids — on video.
• Atari predates them, as do vinyl albums and cassette audiotapes.
• From their earliest years, a camera was something you used once and threw away.
• As far as they know, stamps have always cost about 32 cents.
• The oil crisis is history or which they probably know nothing — and why anyone WOULDN’T buy a suburban is beyond them.
• Most of them have probably never seen a real nun, even if they went to Catholic schools.

So, my superannuated friends, why don’t we all get together and feel obsolete over some Geritol Tea?

Now you know Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists, Risque

Q: What are the small bumps around a woman’s nipples for ?
A: its braille for suck here.

Q: What is an australian kiss?
A: It is the same as a french kiss, but only down under.

Q: What do you do with 365 used condoms?
A: Melt them down, make a tyre, and call it a goodyear.

Q: Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A: when they come they’re wild and wet, but when they go, they take your house and car with them.

Q: Why do girls rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A: Because they don’t have any balls to scratch

Harlez-Vous Francais Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

• Harlez-vous francais: Can you drive a french motorcycle?
• Veni, vipi, vici: I came, I’m a very important person, I conquered
• Cogito eggo sum: I think; therefore I waffle.
• Rigor morris: The cat is dead.
• Respondez s’il vous plaid: Honk if you’re scottish.
• Que sera serf: Life is feudal.
• Le roi est mort. jive le roi: The king is dead. no kidding.
• Pro bozo publico: Support your local clown.
• Monage a trois: I am three years old.
• Felix navidad: Our cat has a boat.
• Haste cuisine: Fast french food
• Veni, vidi, vice: I came, I saw, I partied.
• Quip pro quo: Fast retort
• Aloha oy From such a pain you could never know.
• Visa la france: Don’t leave your chateau without it. (okay okay, two letters here!)
• Amicus puriae: Platonic friend.
• L’etat, c’est moo: I’m bossy around here.
• Cogito, ergo spud: I think, therefore I yam. (ok, more than one letter again … Sorry!…. geez)
• Veni, vidi, velcro: i came, i saw, i stuck around. (ok, another exception … no one’s perfick!)
• Ich bit ein berliner: Well, he deserved it!
• Zitgeist: The Clearasil doesn’t quite cover it up.

Helpful Advice Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. If you are choking on an ice cube, don’t panic. Simply pour a cup of boiling water down your throat and presto! The blockage will be almost instantly removed.
2. Clumsy? Avoid cutting yourself while slicing vegetables by getting someone else to hold them while you chop away.
3. Don’t buy expensive ‘ribbed’ condoms, just buy an ordinary one and slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.
4. Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the fishes’ eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.
5. An empty aluminum cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes a wonderful inexpensive vibrator
6. Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the toilet seat by simply peeing in the sink.
7. High blood pressure sufferers: simply cut yourself and bleed for a while, thus reducing the pressure in your veins.
8. A mouse trap, placed on top of your alarm clock, will prevent you from rolling over and going back to sleep when you hit the snooze button.
9. If you have a bad cough, take a large dose of laxatives, then you will be afraid to cough

Rules for Women Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. If you think you are fat, you probably are. Do not ask us. We refuse to answer.
2. Learn to work the toilet seat. If it’s up, Put it down.
3. Do not cut your hair. Ever. Long hair is always more attractive than short hair. One of the big reasons guys fear getting married is that married women always cut their hair, and by then, you are stuck with her.
4. Birthdays, Valentines, and Anniversaries are not quests to see if we can find the perfect present yet again!
5. If you ask a question you don’t want an answer to expect an answer you do not want to hear.
6. Sometimes, we are not thinking about you. Live with it.
7. Do not ask us what we are thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as navel lint, the shotgun formation and monster trucks.
8. Sunday sports. It’s like the full moon or the changing of the tides. Let it be.
9. Shopping is not a sport, and no, we are never going to think of it that way.
10. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really.
11. You have enough clothes.
12. You have too many shoes.
13. Crying is blackmail.
14. Your ex-boyfriend is an idiot.
15. Ask for what you want. Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work. Strong hints do not work. Obvious hints do not work. Just say it!
16. No, we do not know what day it is. We never will. Mark anniversaries on a calendar.
17. Yes, peeing standing up is more difficult. We are bound to miss sometimes.
18. Most guys own three pairs of shoes-what makes you think we’d be any good at choosing which pair, out of thirty, would look good with your dress?
19. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
20. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That is what we do. Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
21. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a problem. See a doctor.
22. Foreign films are best left to foreigners.
23. Check your oil.
24. Do not fake it. We would rather be ineffective than deceived.
25. It is neither in your best interest nor ours to take the quiz together.
26. No, it does not matter which quiz.
27. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after 7 days.
28. If you won’t dress like the Victoria’s Secret girls, don’t expect us to act like soap opera guys.
29. If something we said can be interpreted two ways,and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one.
30. Let us ogle. We are going to look anyway it is genetic.
31. Don’t rub the lamp if you don’t want the genie to come out.
32. You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done-not both.
33. Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
34. Christopher Columbus did not need directions, and neither do we.
35. Women wearing Wonderbras and low-cut blouses lose their right to complain about having their boobs stared at.
36. The relationship is never going to be like it was the first two months we were going out.
37. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like windows default settings. Peach is a fruit, not a color.
38. Pumpkin is also a fruit.
39. If it itches, it will be scratched.
40. Beer is as exciting for us as handbags or shoes are for you.
41. If it is OUR house, I do not understand why MY stuff gets thrown in the closet/attic/basement.
42. We are not mind readers and we never will be. Our lack of mind-reading ability is not proof of how little we care about you.
43. If we ask what is wrong and you say “nothing,” we will act like nothing’s wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not worth the hassle.

Women’s Bumper Stickers Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. so many men, so few who can afford me.
2. God Made Us Sisters; Prozac Made Us Friends.
3. If They Don’T Have Chocolate In Heaven, I Ain’T Going.
4. My Mother Is A Travel Agent For Guilt Trips.
5. Princess, Having Had Sufficient Experience With Princes, Seeks Frog.
6. Coffee, Chocolate, Men. . . Some Things Are Just Better Rich.
7. Don’T Treat Me Any Differently Than You Would The Queen.
8. If You Want Breakfast In Bed, Sleep In The Kitchen.
9. Dinner Is Ready When The Smoke Alarm Goes Off.
10. I’M Out Of Estrogen-And I Have A Gun.
11. Guys Have Feelings Too. But Like…Who Cares?
12. Next Mood Swing: 6 Minutes.
13. And Your Point Is…?
14. Warning: I Have An Attitude And I Know How To Use It.
15. Of Course I Don’T Look Busy…I Did It Right The First Time.
16. Do Not Start With Me. You Will Not Win.
17. You Have The Right To Remain Silent, So Please Shut Up.
18. All Stressed Out And No One To Choke.
19. I’M One Of Those Bad Things That Happen To Good People.
20. How Can I Miss You If You Won’T Go Away?
21. Sorry If I Looked Interested. I’M Not.
22. If We Are What We Eat, I’M Fast, Cheap And Easy.
23. Don’T Upset Me! I’M Running Out Of Places To Hide The Bodies.

Ways to Deal With Stress Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. Bill your doctor for time spent in his waiting room.
2. Braid the hairs in each nostril.
3. Buy a box of condoms. Ask the cashier where the fitting rooms are, and ask for help.
4. Buy a subscription to “Sleazoid Weekly” and send it to your boss’s wife.
5. Dance naked in front of your pets.
6. Do your computer programming assignments in binary code.
7. Drive to work in reverse.
8. During your next meeting, sneeze and then loudly suck the mucous back down your throat.
9. Fill out your tax form using Roman Numerals.
10. Find out what a frog in a blender really looks like.
11. Forget the Diet Center and send yourself a candygram.
12. Go shopping. Buy everything. Sweat in it. Return it the next day.
13. Jam miniature marshmallows up your nose and sneeze them out. See how many you can do at a time.
14. Leaf through “National Geographic” and draw underwear on the natives.
15. Lie on your back eating celery; using your navel as a salt dipper.
16. Make a list of things to do that you have already done.
17. Make up a language and ask people for directions in it.
18. Pay your electric bill in pennies.
19. Polish your car with earwax.
20. Pop some popcorn without putting the lid on.
21. Put your toddler’s clothes on backwards and send him to pre-school as if nothing is wrong.
22. Read the dictionary backwards and look for subliminal messages.
23. Read the dictionary upside down and look for secret messages.
24. Refresh yourself, put your tongue on a cold steel guardrail.
25. Relax by mentally reflecting on your favourite episode of The Flinstones during that important finance meeting.
26. Replace the filling of a Twinkie with ketchup and put it back in the wrapper.
27. Retaliate for tax woes by filling out your tax forms with Roman numerals.
28. Sit naked on a shelled hard-boiled egg.
29. Stare at people through the tines of a fork and pretend they’re in jail.
30. Start a nasty rumor and see if you recognize it when it comes back to you.
31. Tape pictures of your boss on watermelons and launch them from high places.
32. Tattoo “Out to Lunch” on your forehead.
33. Tell you boss to “blow it out your mule” and let him figure it out.
34. Use your Mastercard to pay your Visa bill and vice-versa.
35. When someone says “have a nice day”, tell them you have other plans.
36. Write a short story using alphabet soup.

Sound Familiar Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1945	1999
NCO’s had a typewriter on their desks for doing daily reports	everyone has an Internet access computer, and they wonder why no work is getting done
we painted pictures of girls on airplanes to remind us of home	they put the real thing in the cockpit
your girlfriend was at home praying you would return alive	she is in the same trench praying your condom worked
if you got drunk off duty your buddies would take you back to the barracks to sleep it off	if you get drunk they slap you in rehab and ruin your career
you were taught to aim at your enemy and shoot him	you spray 500 bullets into the brush, don’t hit anything, and retreat because you’re out of ammo
canteens were made of steel, and you could heat coffee or hot chocolate in them	canteens are made of plastic, you can’t heat anything in them, and they always taste like plastic
officers were professional soldiers first and they commanded respect	officers are politicians first and beg not to be given a wedgie
they collected enemy intelligence and analyzed it	they collect your pee and analyze it
if you didn’t act right, the Sergeant Major put you in the brig until you straightened up	if you don’t act right, they start a paper trail that follows you forever
medals were awarded to heroes who saved lives at the risk of their own	medals are awarded to people who work at headquarters
you slept in barracks like a soldier	you sleep in a dormitory like a college kid
you ate in a mess hall, which was free, and you could have all the food you wanted	you eat in a dining facility, every slice of bread or pad of butter costs, and you better not take too much
we defeated powerful countries like Germany and Japan	we come up short against Iraq and Yugoslavia
if you wanted to relax, you went to the rec center, played pool, smoked, and drank beer	you go to the community center, and you can play pool
if you wanted beer and conversation you went to the NCO or Officers’ Club	the beer will cost you $2.75, membership is forced, and someone is watching how much you drink
the Exchange had bargains for soldiers who didn’t make much money	you can get better and cheaper merchandise at Wal-Mart
we could recognize the enemy by their Nazi helmets	we are wearing the Nazi helmets
we called the enemy names like “Krauts” and “Japs” because we didn’t like them	we call the enemy the “opposing force” or “aggressor” because we don’t want to offend them
victory was declared when the enemy was defeated and all his things were broken	victory is declared when the enemy says he is sorry
a commander would put his butt on the line to protect his people	a commander will put his people on the line to protect his butt
wars were planned and run by generals with lots of important victories	wars are planned by politicians with lots of equivocating.
we were fighting for freedom, and the country was committed to winning.	we don’t know what we’re fighting for, and the government is committed to social programs (used to be called ’socialism’)
all you could think about was getting out and becoming a civilian again	all you can think about is getting out and becoming a civilian again

Oxymorons Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

Anarchy rules!

Free with purchase

Happy Monday

One size fits all

Slow children” (sign with a picture of a running child

Thank God I’m an Atheist

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A little big

Academic sorority

Accordion music

Accurate stereotype

Act naturally

Advanced BASIC

Aerobic exercise

Affirmative action, equal opportunity

Aging yuppie

Airline food

Almost exactly

Alone together

American beer

American chop suey

American culture

American education

American English

American geographers

American history

American Honda

Americans

Apple tech support

Arms limitation

Art student

Artificial intelligence

Athletic scholarship

Australian spelling

Automated data processing

Back to the future

Bad health

Balding hair

Bankrupt millionaire

Better than new

Black light

Boring orgasm

Brave politician

British fashion

Budget deficit

Bug free code

Business ethics

Butthead

Cafeteria food

California culture

California expressway

Canadian culture

Canadian Economy

Casual intimacy

Catproof

Central Intelligence Agency

Centrally-planned economy

Cheerful pessimist

Childproof

Christian education

Christian militia

Christian Scientists

Church of Scientology

Civil engineer

Civil servant

Civil libertarian

Civil war

Classic rock & roll

Clean dirt

Clean hack

Clearly confused

Clearly misunderstood

Clinton leadership

Coca-Cola Foods

Coed fraternity/sorority

Collective liberty

College algebra

College education

Colored music

Committee schedule

Committee decision

Common sense

Communist Party

Completely unfinished

Compulsory volunteering

Computer science

Computer jock

Computer security

Congressional ethics

Congressional oversight

Conservative Democrat

Conspicuous absence

Constant change

Construction worker

Convenience store

Cooperative multitasking

Corporate planning

Cost effective

Country music

Courtesy towing

Creation science

Curved line

Customer satisfaction

CNN style

Debugged program

Debutante ball

Decent lawyer

Definite maybe

Degradable plastic

Democratic Congress

Department of the Interior

Desktop publishing

Diet ice cream

Dining hall food

Disco music

Down escalator/elevator

Dress pants

Driving pleasure

Dry beer

Dry ice

Dry wine

Economic reform

Electroshock therapy

English syntax

Enquiring minds

Environmentalist bumper sticker

Ergonomic keyboard

European Community

Evolutionary fact

Exact estimate

Executive decision

Express bus

Express mail

Fair reporting

Fair trial

Fallout shelter

Family entertainment

Fast food

Federal budget

Fighting for peace

Final version

First annual

First-strike defense

Flat-busted

Flexible freeze

Football scholarship

Forth programming language

Found missing

Free election

Free electron laser

Free love

Freezer burn

French culture

Fresh frozen

Friendly advice

Friendly competitor

Friendly fire

Full-length bikini

Full service

Functional manager

Funny clean joke

Fuzzy logic

Gay drill sergeant

Genuine imitation

Good grief

Good mother-in-law

Good Alan Rudolph film

Government aid/assistance

Government efficiency

Government organization

Graduate student

Great Britain

Guest host

Gunboat diplomacy

Half dead

Happily married

Hard disk

Hard water

Hazardous waste disposal

Helicopter flight

Higher education

Holy Roman Empire

Holy War

Honest crook

Honest politician

House Ethics Committee

Huge market niche

Human evolution

Indecent exposure

Industrial park

Institutional Revolutionary Party

Intelligent lifeforms

Internal Revenue Service

IBM compatible

Journalistic accuracy

Journalistic integrity

Jumbo shrimp

Just in Time (JIT)

Justice Rehnquist

Justice Thomas

Kentucky Fried Chicken

Kosher ham

Lace-up loafers

Lebanese government

Legal brief

Legal ethics

Legally drunk

Liberal Party (conservative)

Liberal, Kansas

Liquid crystal

Literal interpretation

Living dead

Long Island Expressway

Male compassion

Management science

Management support

Management action

Management style

Marketing strategy

Married life

Martial law

Math teacher

Mature student

McDonalds dinner

Medicaid payment

Medical ethics

Microsoft Works

Middle East peace process

Military intelligence

Militart justice

Military peace

Modified final judgement

Monopoly

Moral Majority

Mutual attraction

Mutually exclusive

New Classic

New Democrat

New Mexico

Nice cat

Noble savage

Non-alcoholic beer

Non-denominational church

Nonworking mother

Now, then

Nuclear defense

Objective parent

Oddly appropriate

OpenVMS

Operating system

Operation Rescue

Pacific Ocean

Paperless office

Partly pregnant

Passive aggression

Peace force

Peace officer

PeaceMaker missile

People’s Democratic Republic Of Yemen

Personal computer

Petty cash

Philosophy science

Plastic glasses

Pocket calculator

Police protection

Polite cabbie

Political leadership

Political science

Politically correct

Poor Republican

Pop art

Portable standard Lisp

Postal Service

Pot luck

Practical logic

Precision bombing

Presidential promises

Pretty ugly

Private e-mail

Productivity committee

Professional courtesy

Progressive Conservative

Proprietary standard

Psychiatric care

Public school education

Quality assurance

Quality service

Quebec intellectual

QuickBASIC

Quick fix

Quick reboot

R & D

Rap music

Rapid transit

Rare steak

Reagan memoirs

Real fantasy

Realistic schedule

Realtime computing

Reasonable female

Recently new

Reckless caution

Red Indians

Relativistic correction

Religious education

Religious fact

Religious tolerance

Religious science

Republican initiative

Resident alien

Responsible committee

Restrained grandparent

Rolling stop

Rush hour

Russian economy

Safe sex

Same difference

Sanitary landfill

Satisfied Democrat

Saving price

Savings & loan

School food

Scottish Danish (actual pastry sold at 7-11)

Sedate sex

Semi truck

Semi-boneless ham

Senate Ethics Committee

Sensitive male

Severely/slightly killed

Silent scream

Small crowd

Smart bomb

Smart drugs

Social Security

Social science

Soft rock

Software documentation

Software engineering

Solid glass

Southern justice

Spare rib

Speed limit

Sports sedan

Stealth bomber

Straight hook

Student athlete

Student teacher

Summer school

Supporting documentation

Sweet sorrow

Swiss Steak

Synthetic natural gas

Tame cat

Taped live

Tax return

Television critic

Temporary tax increase

Terribly pleased

Terminal initialization

Tight slacks

Tone color

Total Quality Management (TQM)

True gossip

True story

Unbiased journalism

Unbiased news reports

Unbiased opinion

Unbiased predisposition

Uncontested divorce

Understanding banker

Understanding UNIX

Union workers

United States

University of Nevada at Las Vegas

UNIX security

Unsalted Saltines

User friendliness

User-friendly war

Vegetable beef soup

Ventura Freeway

Violent agreement

Virtual reality

Voting power

Waiting patiently

War games

War hero

Wilderness management

Windows NT (New Technology)

Wonder Bread

Woods Metal

Working vacation

Young Floridian

Yummy sushi

10K fun run

12-ounce pound cake

6502-based computer

1970 - 2000 Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1970	2000
Long Hair	Longing for hair
The perfect high.	The perfect high yield mutual fund.
Acid Rock.	Acid Reflux.
Moving to California because it’s cool.	Moving to California because it’s warm.
Growing pot.	Growing pot belly.
Douglas Street bridge.	Dental bridge.
Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your parents.	Watching John Glenn’s historic flight with your children.
Trying to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.	Trying NOT to look like Marlon Brando or Elizabeth Taylor.
Seeds and stems.	Roughage.
Popping pills, smoking joints.	Popping joints.
Our president’s struggle with Fidel.	Our president’s struggle with fidelity.
Killer weed.	Weed killer.
Hoping for a BMW.	Hoping for a BM.
The Grateful Dead.	Dr. Kevorkian.
Getting out to a new, hip joint.	Getting a new hip joint.
Rolling Stones.	Kidney stones.
Being called into the principal’s office.	Calling the principal’s office.
Screw the system!	Upgrade the system.
Peace sign.	Mercedes logo.
Parents begging you to get your hair cut.	Children begging you to get their heads shaved.
Take acid.	Take antacid.
Passing the driver’s test.	Passing the vision test.
“Whatever”	“Depends”

Things to do at Walmart Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. Get boxes of condoms, randomly put them in people’s carts when they’re not looking.
2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.
3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restroom.
4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone “I think we have a Code 3 in housewares,” and see what happens.
5. Tune all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.
6. Challenge other customers to a duel with tubes of gift wrap.
7. Put M & M’s on layaway.
8. Move “CAUTION-WET FLOOR” signs to carpet areas.
9. Set up a tent in the camping department and tell others you’ll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.
10. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask “Why won’t you people leave me alone?”
11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.
12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I.Joes and X-Men.
13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
14. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the anti-depressants are.
15. Switch signs on the men and women’s bathrooms.
16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from “Mission Impossible”.
17. Set up a “Valet Parking” sign out front.
18. In the auto department practice your “Madonna” look using different size funnels.
19. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say “PICK ME!! PICK ME!!!!!”
20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream “NO! NO! It’s those voices again!!!!”
21. Go to the food court, get a soft drink, tell them you don’t get out much and would they put one of those little umbrellas in it.
22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud…”Hey, we’re out of toilet paper in here!!

The Good The Bad and the Ugly Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

Good: You’re wife is pregnant.
Bad: It’s triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.

Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You’re in them.

Good: Your son’s finally maturing.
Bad: He’s involved with the woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.

Good: You give the birds and bees talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.

Good: The postman’s early.
Bad: He’s wearing fatigues and carrying an AK47.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.

Good: Your daughter got a new job.
Bad: As a hooker.
Ugly: Your coworkers are her best clients.
Way ugly: She makes more money than you do.

Good: You’re son is dating someone new.
Bad: It’s another man.
Ugly: He’s you’re best friend.

Success is Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

At age 4…success is….not peeing in your pants.

At age 12…success is….having friends.

At age 16…success is….having a drivers license.

At age 20…success is….having sex.

At age 35…success is….having money.

At age 50…success is….having money.

At age 60…success is….having sex.

At age 70…success is….having a drivers license.

At age 75…success is….having friends.

At age 80…success is….not peeing in your pants.

Evidence You Truely Live in the Internet Age Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. You just tried to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
3. You call your son’s beeper to let him know it’s time to eat. He e-mails you back from his bedroom, “What’s for dinner?”
4. Your daughter sells Girl Scout Cookies via her web site.
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South Africa, but you haven’t spoken with your next-door neighbor yet this year.
6. You check the ingredients on a can of chicken noodle soup to see if it contains Echinacea.
7. Your grandmother asks you to send her a JPEG file of your newborn so she can create a screen saver.
8. You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone is home.
9. Every commercial on television has a website address at the bottom of the screen.
10. You buy a computer, and 6 months later it is out of date and now sells for half the price you paid.
11. Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn’t have the first 20, 30 or 40 years of your life, is cause for a panic and you turn around to ! go get it.
12. Using real money, instead of credit or debit, to make a purchase would be a hassle and takes planning.
13. Cleaning up the dining room means getting the fast food bags out of the back seat of your car.
14. Your reason for not staying in touch with family is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
15. You consider 2nd day air delivery painfully slow.
16. Your dining room table is now your flat filing cabinet.
17. Your idea of being organized is multicolored post-it notes.
18. You hear most of your jokes via e-mail instead of in person.
19. You get an extra ! ! phone line so you can get phones calls.
20. You disconnect from the Internet and get an awful feeling, as if you just pulled the plug on a loved one.
21. You get up in the morning and go online before getting your coffee.
22. You wake up at 2 a.m. to go to the bathroom and check your e-mail on your way back to bed.
23. You start tilting your head sideways to smile.=:)
24. YOU’RE READING THIS!!!!!!!
25. EVEN WORSE: YOU’RE GOING TO FORWARD IT TO SOMEONE ELSE, JUST LIKE I DID.

Things to Ponder Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds fee” on money they already know you don’t have?
2. Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?
3. Since light travels faster than sound, isn’t that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak?
4. If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?
5. Isn’t Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?
6. Why are they called buildings, when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?
7. Why is the alphabet in that order?
8. If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?
9. If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? (I’ve tried it, it doesn’t work)
10. Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?
11. When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?
12. Why is it, when a door is open it’s ajar, but when a jar is open, it’s not a door?
13. Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Politically Correct Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. She is not a BABE or a CHICK - She is a BREASTED AMERICAN.
2. She is not a SCREAMER or MOANER - She is VOCALLY APPRECIATIVE.
3. She is not EASY - She is HORIZONTALLY ACCESSIBLE.
4. She’s not DUMB - She is a DETOUR OFF THE INFORMATION SUPERHIGHWAY.
5. She has not BEEN AROUND - She is a PREVIOUSLY ENJOYED COMPANION.
6. She is not an AIRHEAD - She is REALITY IMPAIRED.
7. She does not get DRUNK or TIPSY - She gets CHEMICALLY INCONVENIENCED.
8. She is not HORNY - She is SEXUALLY FOCUSED.
9. She does not have BREAST IMPLANTS - She is MEDICALLY ENHANCED.
10. She does not NAG YOU - She becomes VERBALLY REPETITIVE.
11. She is not a SLUT - She is SEXUALLY EXTROVERTED.
12. She does not have MAJOR LEAGUE HOOTERS - She is PECTORALLY SUPERIOR.
13. She is not a TWO BIT WHORE - She is a LOW COST PROVIDER.

1. He does not have a BEER GUT - He has developed a LIQUID GRAIN STORAGE FACILITY.
2. He is not a BAD DANCER - He is OVERLY CAUCASIAN.
3. He does not GET LOST ALL THE TIME - He INVESTIGATES ALTERNATIVE DESTINATIONS.
4. He is not BALDING - He is in FOLLICLE REGRESSION.
5. He is not a CRADLE ROBBER - He prefers GENERATIONALLY DIFFERENTIAL RELATIONSHIPS.
6. He does not get FALLING-DOWN DRUNK -He becomes ACCIDENTALLY HORIZONTAL.
7. He does not act like a TOTAL ASS - He develops a case of RECTAL-CRANIAL INVERSION.
8. He is not a MALE CHAUVINIST PIG - He has SWINE EMPATHY.
9. He is not afraid of COMMITMENT - He is MONOGAMOUSLY CHALLENGED.

Things Canadians Can Be Proud of Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. Smarties
2. Crispy Crunch & Coffee Crisp
3. The size of our football fields and one less down
4. Baseball is Canadian
5. Lacrosse is Canadian
6. Hockey is Canadian
7. Basketball is Canadian
8. Apple pie is Canadian
9. Mr. Dress-up kicks Mr. Rogers’ ass
10. Tim Hortons kicks Dunkin’ Donuts’ ass
11. In the war of 1812, started by America, Canadians pushed the Americans back…past their ‘White House’. Then we burned it… and most of Washington, under the command of William Lyon McKenzie who was insane and hammered all the time.We got bored because they ran away, so we came home and partied … Go figure…
12. Canada has the largest French population that never surrendered to Germany.
13. We have the largest English population that never, ever surrendered or withdrew during any war to anyone, anywhere.
14. Our civil war was a bar fight that lasted a little over an hour.
15. The only person who was arrested in our civil war was an American mercenary, who slept in and missed the whole thing…but showed up just in time to get caught.
16. We knew plaid was cool far before Seattle caught on.
17. The Hudsons Bay Company once owned over 10% of the earth’s surface and is still around as the world’s oldest company.
18. The average dog sled team can kill and devour a full grown human in under 3 minutes.
19. We still know what to do with all the parts of a buffalo.
20. We don’t marry our kin-folk.
21. We invented ski-doos, jet-skis, zippers, insulin, penicillin, zambonis, the telephone and short wave radios that save countless lives each year.
22. We ALL have frozen our tongues to something metal and lived to tell about it.
23. The handles on our beer cases are big enough to fit your hands with mitts on.

New to the OED part 2 Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. Arachnoleptic fit (n.)The frantic dance performed just after you’ve accidentally walked through a spider web.
2. Beelzebug (n.):Satan in the form of a mosquito that gets into your bedroom at 3 in the morning and cannot be cast out.
3. Bozone (n.): The substance surrounding stupid people that stops bright ideas from penetrating. The bozone layer, unfortunately, shows little sign of breaking down in the near future.
4. Cashtration (n.):The act of buying a house, which renders the subject financially impotent for an indefinite period.
5. Dopelar effect (n.):The tendency of stupid ideas to seem smarter when you come at them rapidly.
6. Extraterrestaurant (n.):An eating place where you feel you’ve been abducted and experimented upon. Also known as an E-T-ry.
7. Foreploy (n.):Any misrepresentation or outright lie about yourself that leads to sex.
8. Intaxication (n.):Euphoria at getting a tax refund, which lasts until you realize it was your money to start with.
9. Kinstirpation (n.):A painful inability to move relatives who come to visit.

New to the OED Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. THINGY (thing-ee) n.
• Female……Any part under a car’s hood.
• Male……….The strap fastener on a woman’s bra.
2. VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
• Female……Fully opening up one’s self emotionally to another.
• Male………..Playing football without a cup.
3. COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
• Female……The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one’s partner.
• Male………..Leaving a note before taking off for the weekend with the boys.
4. COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n
• Female……A desire to get married and raise a family.
• Male………..Not trying to pick up other women while out with one’s girlfriend.
5. ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.v.
• Female……A good movie, concert, play or book.
• Male………..Anything that can be done while drinking, and ends with sex.
6. FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
• Female……An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
• Male………..A source of entertainment, self-statement male bonding.
7. MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n.
• Female……The greatest statement of intimacy a couple can achieve.
• Male………..Call it whatever you want just as long as we end up in bed.
8. REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
• Female…….A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
• Male…………A device for scanning through all 175 channels every 5 minutes.

Inspirational Slogans for Your Workplace Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. Rome did not create a great empire by having meetings, they did it by killing all those who opposed them.
2. If you can stay calm, while all around you is chaos…then you probably haven’t completely understood the seriousness of the situation.
3. Doing a job RIGHT the first time gets the job done. Doing the job WRONG fourteen times gives you job security.
4. Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
5. Artificial Intelligence is no match for Natural Stupidity.
6. A person who smiles in the face of adversity…probably has a scapegoat.
7. Plagiarism saves time.
8. If at first you don’t succeed, try management.
9. Never put off until tomorrow what you can avoid altogether.
10. TEAMWORK…means never having to take all the blame yourself.
11. The beatings will continue until morale improves.
12. Never underestimate the power of very stupid people in large groups.
13. We waste time, so you don’t have to.
14. Hang in there, retirement is only fifty years away!
15. Go the extra mile. It makes your boss look like an incompetent slacker.
16. A snooze button is a poor substitute for no alarm clock at all.
17. When the going gets tough, the tough take a coffee break.
18. INDECISION is the key to FLEXIBILITY.
19. Succeed in spite of management.
20. Aim Low, Reach Your Goals, Avoid Disappointment

How To Annoy Other People Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper,99 copies.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write “for sensual massage.”
3. Specify that your drive through order is “to go.”
4. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
5. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
6. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions “to keep them tuned up.”
7. Reply to everything someone says with “that’s what YOU think.”
8. Practice making fax and modem noises.
9. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and “cc” them to your boss.
10. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
11. Finish all your sentences with the words “in accordance with prophesy”.
12. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
13. Disassemble your pen and “accidentally” flip the ink cartridge across the room.
14. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
15. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you “like it that way.”
16. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
17. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a “croaking noise.”
18. Honk and wave to strangers.
19. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
20. TYPE ONLY IN UPPERCASE.
21. type only in lowercase.
22. dont use any punctuation either
23. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
24. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: “Do you hear that?” “What?” “Never mind, it’s gone now.”
25. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
26. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce, no, wait, I messed it up,” and repeat.
27. Ask people what gender they are.
28. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
29. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
30. Sing along at the opera.
31. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn’t rhyme.
32. Tell you friends 4 days prior, that you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
33. Send this list to everyone in your email address book even if they sent it to you or ask you not to send things like this.

Hilarious Signs Permalink this Drivel Similar Drivel: Lists

1. Over a gynecologist’s office “Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”
2. On a Plumber’s truck “We repair what your husband fixed.
3. On the trucks of a local plumbing company in NE Pennsylvania “Don’t sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”
4. Pizza shop slogan “7 days without pizza makes one weak.”
5. Outside a muffler shop “No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.”
6. In a veterinarian’s waiting room “Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!”
7. Door of a plastic surgeon’s office “Hello. Can we pick your nose?”
8. On an electrician’s truck “Let us remove your shorts.”
9. In a non-smoking area “If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate action.”
10. On a maternity room door “Push. Push. Push.”
11. At an optometrist’s office “If you don’t see what you’re looking for, you’ve come to the right place.”
12. In the front yard of a funeral home “Drive carefully. We’ll wait.”